Am I Gay If I Still Love Freddie Mercury?

March 15, 2009

I must admit…I am sitting here on another Sunday morning listening to Fred sing about a variety of subjects. Of course, I have heard all of these songs many, many times over the years so there is really nothing new to be heard. Still, I keep coming back for more after 25 years of listening to Queen. I have love for Brian and Roger too (not so much for John) but Freddie is the man. Albeit a gay man.

So, maybe I have some sort of recessed gay gene in me that attracts me to the music. Granted, I don’t much care for other gay singers so I might just as likely be fascinated by his ginormous teeth or porn stache (which I have already admitted having a fascination with although I no longer wear one). I shouldn’t be troubled by this love for Queen music but, somehow I am.

Do you remember when you found out that Billy Squier was gay? Do you remember how dirty you felt after singing “The Stroke” thousands of time without knowing what he really meant? For those of you too young to remember, let me rewind the clock a little. Billy came out of Boston with a great pop rock sound. He was writing rock anthem after rock anthem and then “the video” came out. Oh…my…God. It even made Clay Aiken and Boy George blush. Here it is:

(You are probably going to need to take a shower to wash the gay off of you. Go ahead….I’ll wait.)

So, if other gay artists are not my cup of tea, why am I so fascinated by Freddie? The easy answer is his tremendous talent but that doesn’t quite fill the bill. I love Tom Petty, James Taylor and Lemmy from Motörhead but am not obsessed with those guys. I will tell you a secret, just between you and I. When Fred died all those years ago my eyes filled with tears. (This from a man who is frequently questioned about whether or not I actually have tear ducts). When Ben Orr from The Cars or other rock and roll stars die, I am saddened but not completely bummed out like when Freddie died.

So, please let me know if I should buy a rainbow sticker for my car or plan to march in a gay pride parade. I really don’t want to but maybe I owe it to my suppressed gay side. Of course, if it is just a fascination with a talented musician, I would feel a hell of a lot better about it. I know that makes me shallow but I am fairly confident we have already sussed that fact out many months ago.

I miss you Freddie. In a completely hetero and masculine way.

freddie-mercury


Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

February 26, 2009

I came across a lovely story about a guy that works in the morgue and has sex with cadavers. Now, I am not judging the man because we have all had such thoughts at one point or another. However, now that I am closer to death than ever before, the thoughts of Bubba ram rodding my bloated corpse is slightly unappealing.

I used to think of it like the Tom Petty video where he stole Kim Basinger… Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I think. It had sort of an eerie beauty to it. (And yes, if Kim Basinger had just died, pretty much any guy would hit that. You can hate if you want but you know I speak the truth). Also, I think dead bodies should have a “5 second” rule like food. If a beautiful woman just dies of, say, a heart attack, would it be wrong to be romantic with her? I think not.

last-dance-with-mary-jane

You would absolutely do it!

Anyway, Kenneth Douglas has kind of ruined it for me. He did little more than rape a dead body. That’s not cool. No romance, no dancing, no walking along the ocean like Tom Petty did. Let me tell you something, if he had done that to me, I would have…well, nothing. Cuz, after all, I would already be dead. But my spirit in the sky (“that’s where I’m gonna go when I die” – You’re welcome) is going to be really pi**ed.

What makes it worse is that having sex with a corpse only lands you 18 months in jail, max. Of course since he did this to a minimum of 3 women, he is kind of racking up the years.

So, knowing that my awesome body could be a boy toy to some perv when I die, I am considering being burned or melted or whatever they do when they cremate you. It just seems against Allah to destroy such a perfect creation. (I am pretty sure he is still mad at me for having my super big thingy made smaller).

*pause*

Ok. After thinking about this for 30 seconds, I am NOT going to be cremated. It is just wrong. If God wanted us to be cremated, he would have made fire. (And we know he didn’t…either Martians or cavemen did).  So I am just going to let the worms have their way with me. From asses to asses, musk to musk.

One word of warning to any potential pervs out there. Before I die, I will booby trap all of my orifices with really, really painful traps. I don’t just mean my mouth and pooper either. ALL orifices! Consider yourself warned.

(Dear organ donation people, be very careful when you gut me. Sorry for the additional risk. Yours truly, TL)

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/18796288/detail.html