Atheists Are Starting To Get On My Nerves

October 21, 2009

I wrote a piece awhile ago about some Brits that were running an atheist bus campaign. (There’s probably no God). I thought it was funny and about time someone stuck it to the religious zealots of the world. 

Today, I come across a similar story about ads promoting atheism in New York subways. By my count, this is no less than the 10th such campaign held in the U.S. over the last year. As with any good joke, after about the third time you hear it, you really don’t want to hear it anymore. Here is the New York ad.


Really? This is what you are going to use to convince people that atheism is legit? If you change “without” to “with”, you have a standard poster for any large religious group around. I thought atheists were the smart ones? Surely, they could come up with something a little more clever, no? 

My main problem with this is that some atheists seem to now think that their belief is the equivalent of a religious movement. It is not. Religious folks are zealots because the Bible tells them that this is one of their core jobs. Bug the crap out of people until they cave in and convert. They can’t help themselves. This is why you have skyscraper crosses and a highway system littered with “Got Jesus” signs…it is in their collective DNA. 

Atheism is not under any obligation to enlighten the masses. In fact, if anything, it should discourage the lemming-think that is so prevalent in religion. Critical thinking is an individual process and allows each person to come to their own conclusions based on the evidence at hand. Whether that is consistent with someone else’s point of view is irrelevant. 

Here is the bottom line for all of the group thinkers of the world. I don’t care about your political, social, religious, or lifestyle choices. (As well as any other choice you can think of). I fully support your right to be whatever the hell you want to be as long as you just don’t try to convert me. Yes, I know you have a “Secret”. Keep it to yourself. 

Am I trying to stifle your point of view? Absolutely not. After all, what would I have to write about in my blog if I couldn’t mock and belittle the positions of others? Christ, I live for that stuff. I am just asking for the arm twisting and “My God’s better than your God” stuff to settle down. (Even if my God is totally better than your God). 

To this end, I am starting a new organization. It is called the “PTL Club” (PTL = Praise TannerLeah). There are no rules or membership fees. You don’t need to sign up or do anything to join. In fact, by doing absolutely nothing, you are already a member. My first and only order to you is to stop trying to convince other people why you are right and they are wrong. Now go forward, my people, and spread my seed…so to speak.

Study Says Exercise Won’t Cure Obesity

January 7, 2009

Now you tell me! All this time I have been working out like a madman for nothing. My 10 mile run everyday, weight training, swimming 16 miles a week, biking another 30 all for nothing. (And that doesn’t include my high wire work for balance).

Turns out that the reason I struggle with my weight is the donuts, cake, ice cream, etc. that I eat everyday. Who knew? I thought as long as I burned more calories than I took in, I would lose weight.

Actually, that might still be true since all of the workout stuff I mentioned above is still in the “theoretical” stages. But I have been using “The Secret” workout method. I sit and imagine that I am doing all of that stuff. If “The Secret” is true, then it should work, right?

As for the food, I prefer to physically eat those things rather than imagine it. I find it to be much more fulfilling.

The study say that while exercise has a bunch of other benefits, (strengthens bones and muscles, improves mental health and mood, lowers blood pressure, improves cholesterol levels and reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, breast cancer and colon cancer), crap I could care less about, it really is not the key to weight control.

The study focused on African American women in Chicago and women in rural Nigeria. (Racists!) The women in Chicago weighed an average of 184 pounds while the Nigerian women weighed in at an average of 127 pounds. Isn’t that fascinating?

It would seem that the women in Chicago that are eating BK, KFC, Wendy’s, pizza etc. retain more weight than women eating snails, rattle snakes, mice and worms. Who would have imagined? This is the kind of science that I find flat out breathtaking.    

(Reuters used this photo as an example of an obese woman)


Do you see how she is wearing the slimming black top and then using lines to conceal her hips? Excellent job! (I learned that on a cable TV show. I am also an expert in home repairs, flipping houses and what the women in the “OC” are up to).

So, what to do with this information? My suggestion is to stop working out immediately. However, replace half of the junk food you eat with “native” food. Cockroaches, ants, spiders, maybe even some chipmunk or gopher (I hear they taste like chicken). If you eat these after you eat the junk food, you will invariably hurl which will solve all of your weight problems.

Look for my book on the subject to come out soon. As always, you’re welcome.

Dear Lunatics: Obama Is Not The Anti-Christ

November 18, 2008

Nor is Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, George Bush, Dick Cheney or just about any other polarizing politician or celebrity you can think of. How do I know? Because there is no anti-Christ. Just as there is no “end times”, “river of blood” or any other silly superstitious event that man has concocted.

What is truly remarkable is that people that I consider otherwise sane and competent, actually believe all of this. How can you be a rational, functioning member of society and believe in beasts with 10 horns rising from the ocean? Seriously? You can honestly have a conversation about this without bursting into laughter? (Or at least giggling a little?) 

It reminds me of a story my mom told me about when she was a little girl. Someone looked outside and noticed that the moon was “blood red”. This, the family was convinced, was a sure signal of the end times. So, the lunatics all marched outside into a corn field and prayed for HOURS! Naturally, not a damned thing happened and they all went happily about their day. What is remarkable is that this experience had absolutely no impact on their belief system. They just assumed they had misread the signs.

I understand that when people thought the world was flat or there was no way to utilize science, that superstition ruled the world. Those days have passed. The ONLY reason you would still believe in this is because a) your were “assimilated” by your family and community as a child and never broke through those bonds or b) you want to believe that there is someone or something out there that is in control of your life. Non believers call it “fate” or “karma”. The truth is, all of these are merely man made superstitions.

And trust me, I get it. I lost a loved one recently and I hope that she is in a beautiful place and looking down on her family and protecting us. For all I know, maybe she is. But I also know that Jennifer Love Hewitt (or “Big Boobs”, as my wife fondly refers to her) is not going to strike up a conversation with her anytime soon.

So, dearest nut jobs, put away your crucifix’s and Ouija boards. YOU are in charge of your destiny and what YOU do will determine your fate. Stop buying books like “The Secret”, “Left Behind” and listening to Oprah. All you are doing is making other people wealthy. That’s their secret…getting lemmings to part with their cash. 

I know I have no doubt offended many of you but I just can’t stand anymore of this superstitious gibberish. Feel comforted that if I am wrong I will burn in an eternal hell and you will get to say, “I told you so”. On the other hand, don’t be too disappointed if you end up as worm food some day.

By the way, I will be releasing a new book soon called, “I Spoke To Jesus”. In it, I will decipher all of the secret messages and clues that are mentioned in the Bible. This should help solve all of the confusion out there. I spoke to Jesus personally one night when I was loaded up on peyote, percocets and Jack Daniels and Coke. It was a great conversation and for a mere $29.99, I will be happy to share it with you. Amen, brothers and sisters.