Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?

Julianne Moore To Play Sarah Palin? WTF!?!?!?!

March 11, 2011

Seriously, was Oprah too busy to take on the role? Or maybe Rosie O’Donnell just wasn’t quite fat enough to pull it off. Julianne “I am as white as a ghost, freckled like an 89 year old man on Miami Beach, have the sex appeal of that stuff that oozes out of your eye when it’s infected,  and the worst Boston accent evah” Moore is really the best you could do? Hmm…let’s compare the two.

Here we see Sarah rocking her Naughty Monkey red pumps. Notice the muscular calves she developed by being a superstar athlete in her youth. Notice the way her heaving bosom is trying to desperately escape her crimson jacket. Notice the disgusted and pissed off look of the chick in the blue blouse standing behind only wishing that she could be as awesome as Sarah. In short, this is the picture of a Goddess. Not the icky, Hep C type that Charlie Sheen hangs out with. Only Wonder Woman could come close to matching her exquisite awesomeness.

Now let’s look at that Moore woman.

To be fair, I tried to find a “flattering” shot of Ms. Moore and this was about the best I could come up with. *Sigh* Where do I even start? Jesus Christ, she has more freckles than Lindsay Lohan. In fact, she makes Lindsay look like an African American compared to her. Moore is not even white…she is opaque. You can see her bones through her skin. She’s got old woman lips that are pruned up as if she had been held underwater for the last 36 hours. She has flapjacks for boobs and a forehead the size of Ethiopia. (Which I think is a really, really big country). Where is the sex appeal? The athleticism? The sparkle and fire? She’s not even wearing a pearl necklace for Christ’s sake.

Yes, I am sure they can spray a tan on her, give her the glasses, dye her hair, and, well, I don’t know what they will do with her wrinkly lips. That’s not the point. The point is Sarah has tiger blood in her (well, actually it’s on her from a recent safari) and the DNA of the female equivalent of Adonis. She oozes sexuality and the ability to kick your ass all at the same time. I love her and fear her in a way that only Adrienne Barbeau and my ex prison roomie “Tiny” used to make me feel. She pops out babies and kills dinosaurs on the same fu**ing day! (CLT will be glad to see I am still editing my swear words).

Look, (quick sidebar here – I hate when people preface a sentence with “look”. Look at what? How pompous of an ass you are by suggesting I need a signal word to know that what you are about to say is sooooo important? Blow me). Anyway, look, I’m sure Julianne is a nice woman. And she has probably made a million awesome movies that I have never heard of. But the fact is, Sarah is a living icon and should only be portrayed by the best of the best.

So, without further ado, I present to you the absolute best choice to portray Sarah. You know who she is. The star of 30 Rock:

That’s right, Salma Hayek. Aye carumba!

I Think I Now Love Michele Bachmann

March 6, 2011

Yes, I realize that she is as nutty as my stool after a week-long bender on PayDay candy bars. However, we agree on so many things that I can’t help myself. The fact that her parents couldn’t spell Michele correctly is not her fault. Or the fact that she went to Oral Roberts University should not be held against her. Her subliminal attraction to the word “oral” has actually made her more appealing.

For instance, look at this photo.

See how she is drenched in a pearl necklace? It’s not just on her neck. The pearls are on her hands and face and touching her hair…Good lord, she is a money shot fantasy. Google her photo. More often than not, she is COVERED in pearls. What’s not to love about a gal like that? (Hey Sarah, would it hurt you to rock a few pearls now and then?) She also likes to talk dirty, like this quote; “During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.” Yeah baby!!!

Beyond this fetish, we also agree on a lot of important issues. She hates old people and thinks Social Security and Medicare should be phased out. Winning! She also knows that the gays are launching a devious plan to “target” our children. I am not sure what the plan is after they have been targeted but, if it’s the gays, you know it can’t be good. Probably make every child wear a plaid shirt and put rainbow stickers on their bike. Oh, the humanity!

I also appreciate Michele’s commitment to end Obamacare. As she said, ”This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.” I am not sure what the word “covenant” means but I think it has to do with witches. Now, don’t confuse Michele with Christine O’Donnell who may, or may not be a witch. (And, as a point of interest, guess who else loves to wear a pearl necklace?)

(Hard to imagine someone could miss the mark with her mouth so wide open).

Anyway, any combination of Bachmann / Palin / O’Donnell in 2012 will make me a happy, happy man. Vote early and vote often!

Baby (and probably Jesus) Gives Sarah Palin Bigger Boobs

June 11, 2010

Well, the lame stream media is at it again. They are running a scandalous story that our girl Sarah has gone out and purchased new breasts. Obviously, nothing could be further from the truth.

As we all know, Sarah has ovaries that drop eggs more often than Tiger nails white chicks. It’s just how God made her. (Thank you Jesus). Anyway, once again, Sarah got knocked up by her stud husband, Snow Plow (or whatever the hell his name is).

Because she already has a quiver full of children, she simply could not afford to have another one. (Plus, the last one didn’t come out exactly fully baked). Being a responsible person, she knew she could not keep the baby. However, as a good Christian, abortion was not an option. So Sarah did what she knew she had to do. She smoked crack and drank Jim Beam until the little thing just shot out of her hoo-hoo like a rocket. Problem solved.

Except it’s not quite as simple as that. Her boobs did not get the message that the plan had been changed and proceeded to fill her love jugs with milk. She initially was not going to encourage this behavior from her breasts because, frankly, the thought of Snow Plow suckling her 24/7 was very unappealing.

Fortunately, before she had a chance to squeeze all of the milk out and go down to a disappointing C cup, she went on her morning run in Wasilla. She did not have a new bra to hold all of her womanhood in so she was bouncing all over the place. As men ogled her and started pitching tents in their pants, she started to appreciate the power of her new bosom. Plus, when she stopped to have a seat on a bench and catch her breath, a baby raccoon came up to her and started nuzzling her heaving bazookas. Acting on her motherly instincts, Sarah quickly pulled out a buck knife, slit the coon’s throat, and gutted it for dinner in just under 30 seconds.

I know the above story is true because I live next door to Sarah and saw it happen. Ok, I don’t literally live next door but my surveillance cameras really make me feel like I do. My source, Paco, tells me that Sarah is going to keep her fun bags until the 2012 election. She is confident that she can get at least 20% more of the male vote. Plus, Bill Clinton has volunteered to be her campaign manager and she has accepted so she can land the black vote. (It is unclear what Clinton will get in return but he said he will pay the dry cleaning bill…whatever that means). It is rumored that her campaign slogan will be, “Palin in 2012. Got milk yet?”

I realize that jealous women will have catty things to say but they need to get over it. Sarah Palin is now the standard by which all women will be measured. So, ladies, you better get cracking on getting those flapjacks inflated or the new PILF will steal your man before you know what hit you. God bless you, Sarah.

Drill, baby, drill indeed. (Can you pass the Kleenex box, please?)

Oil Spill? Big Freakin’ Deal

April 30, 2010

Here we go once again. The Lame Stream Media is going to tell us how the big, bad oil companies have put our wildlife at risk. Birds, fish, beaches, blah, blah, blah. Who fu**ing cares about birds and fish? Sure, oil covered beaches are a drag but all you have to do is go to the other coast. How hard is that?

You people knew that when drilling offshore was allowed decades ago, there would be some small issues like this. Get over it. Do you still want to live in your McMansions and drive SUV’s? Do you still want to crank the heat in the winter or cool your 5000 sq ft home? Well, this is the price you pay.

Stop being a pussy tree hugger and embrace the reality of our world. We need to do more drilling so we can keep up with our consumption. Really, since I live in the Midwest, I could give a crap which ocean or state BP drills in. As long as I have the fuel to leave all of my interior and exterior lights burning 24 hours a day, I am cool with it.

If you grass eaters would have listened to a true American, Sarah Palin, this would likely have never have happened. The oil companies would have invested all of their money in drilling new areas and old rigs, like the piece of junk that broke, would have already been phased out.

But no, now I have to listen to the liberals on CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, NBC, and basically any news outlet not owned by Rupert Murdoch, drone on about this “natural disaster”. Look, we let New Orleans get ruined by a hurricane and completely ignored it, why can’t we do the same here? Brad Pitt can go wash some birds off it if makes him feel better.

In my America, i.e. Sarah Palin’s America, we go big or go home. If that means an “inconvenient truth” happens every now and then, so be it. You are not going to take my guns, my liberty, and my porno stash because Barry Hussein Obama wants to run a socialist, Marxist, Maoist, communist, liberalist, fascist, ridiculous-ist regime. Oh hell no…not on my watch.

When Sarah Palin becomes president in 2011 or ’12, you liberal lipstick-less pig people can get the hell out of our country if you don’t like it. Oh, and take all of those Mexicans with you. I can live without tacos and burritos if that’s what it takes. That’s how committed I am.

God bless Sarah Palin and God bless the United States of America.

Man, I would love to hit that.

My New Year Resolutions

January 4, 2010

I don’t have many but I felt that if I wrote them down, I would be more likely to accomplish them. Some are going to be easier than others but I think you need some slam dunks to make yourself feel better.

  1. I will quit smoking in 2010. Sure, I have never smoked in my life but, like I said, you want to start with some easy ones. 
  2. I am going to become an occasional Muslim man this year. Being an occasional black man gives me a lot of privileges but I want to expand my horizons. I will just need to buy a black beard and learn some neat Muslim sayings. In this era of Muslim distrust, you might be asking yourself why I would do such a thing. Simple. I plan on walking around scratching my junk while holding a lighter in my hand. I think this will give me plenty of room at restaurants, movie theaters, and on airplanes. I also think I will be able to get my own seat on most amusement rides and privacy in the men’s room. 
  3. Instead of losing weight, what a tired idea, I am going to gain as much weight as it takes to go on The Biggest Loser. Then, while I am at the ranch, I can sleep with that hot trainer dude, Jillian. I realize being an occasional fat Muslim might cause me some issues but I haven’t figured out all of the minor details yet. 
  4. I am going to rent a car and then tell the rental people that I lost it and that I think I left my child in the trunk. This will get me on the national news and a reality show cannot be far behind. When they find the car with no kid in it, I will just say I was really, really drunk and apologize. Larry King will be my first interview and I am going to punch him. This will raise my celebrity value immensely. 
  5. I am going to stop my pursuit of Sarah Palin. I know, I know….this seems like an awfully harsh resolution. But here is the deal. She is almost 50 and, as I have already told you any number of times, life ends for women at 50. Look, she had her chance and blew it. I am not completely ruling out doing the older daughter but I am making no promises. 

I probably have a bunch more to add to my list but my mental illness prevents me from focusing on lists that contain more than five items. 2009 was a moderately horrible year and 2010 looks about the same or worse. For instance, all of the white women will be unavailable due to Tiger being single again. I will fell a little better if they let OJ out of jail this year. That would be nice.

Sorry for being so sporadic lately but the Tussin, Nyquil, Tylenol PM’s, and prescription meds are messing up my finely tuned temple. I will try to do better…eventually.

The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Everything

December 9, 2009

I am afraid that Global Warming is going to end the world but not before I die due to any of the various winter “storms of the century”. Or, Al Gore continues to speak and the greenhouse gasses he spews kills us all.

I fear that my lack of faith will lead to an eternal death but I am equally afraid of picking the wrong team. (Arriving in Heaven – “Excuse me, is Jesus here?” Large black man – “Sorry dude, you picked the wrong team. Asa lama lakum”)… Well, fu**.

I fear that I will have an enlarged bladder, enlarged prostate, and enlarged thingy. When I cut loose, it will be like a fire hydrant exploding and I will injure innocent bystanders.

I am afraid that I will be attacked by Al Qaeda but am equally afraid that I will be attacked by Randy Quaid trying to steal my lunch money. Where is the US military when you really need them?

I worry about not having health care but also worry about having crappy health care. “Oh! We were supposed to remove your gall bladder. Well sir, shit happens”.

I worry that the music industry will file a law suit against me for downloading music illegally but I am equally worried that the quality of the music will leave me deaf within 6 months.

I fear that Sarah Palin is not nearly as brilliant as she appears to be. I also fear that she is having a secret affair with Al Sharpton. (Explains the retarded baby).

I worry that Steven Spielberg will suffer from dementia and make a sequel to Jaws called Jews where short white men will swim aimlessly in the ocean looking for lost change.

I worry that the Tea Party people will recruit folks from Kentucky and they will go around trying to tea bag everyone. Worse yet, they will rub lemons on their junk which will make everyone pucker up and give the appearance of smooching their man purses.

I fear that the Mayans got it wrong and the world will really end in 2013. Vito is going to want his exceedingly large loan back and Salma Hayek, whose boobs I grabbed as the clock struck twelve, is going to punch my lights out. Oh, and the “wouldn’t it be funny if I painted my junk red, white and blue and run on the football field” will seem slightly less funny. Fu**ing Mayans…would it kill you to buy a watch?

Finally, I worry that the medication I am on will wear off soon and I regret writing all of the things mentioned above. I also fear that the meds I stole from the lady down the hall might give me a vagina. Is that possible?

My Conversation With Sarah Palin

November 20, 2009

I was finally able to meet my dream woman yesterday, in person. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous to be meeting a true icon face to face. However, soon after meeting Sarah, I was immediately put at ease and relaxed. Here is the transcript of our conversation.

SP: Hi there? How ya doin’?

TL: Good. Did you really call Trigger a retard?

SP: (Looking slightly bewildered) Of course not. Levi is just making those things up.

TL: Oh…ok. In the Newsweek photo where you have running shorts on, you seem to be wearing panty hose. What’s that all about?

SP: (Still looking perplexed) Well, it was more of a glamour shot than an actual, ya know, reality photo.

TL: Who is keeping an eye on Russia while you are on your tour?

SP: (Grits her teeth a little) That’s kind of an old joke. Who do you want the book made out to?

TL: When you and Todd get it on, do you wear your stiletto’s? Specifically, the red shiny ones?

SP: (Little beads of sweat forming on her brow) That is really not an appropriate question. (Looking around for security).

TL: I’m sorry. It’s just that they look so good on you I figured you probably wore them in the sack. Does Todd go backdoor on you?

SP: (Turning a pretty shade of crimson) You, sir, are being rude and belligerent. Please move along before I have you removed.

TL: When you have a baby at your age, I bet your lady parts don’t bounce back into shape very quickly. That’s why I asked about the back door. Do you spit or swallow?

SP: (Stands up looking kind of pissed off) Security! Remove this man immediately!

TL: Have you ever done a Rainbow Kiss or Dirty Sanchez? Did McCain ever whip his thingy out in front of you?

At this point, two security guys start dragging me away.

TL: Wait! Sarah, you didn’t sign my book yet!

SP: (Hands my book, unsigned, to another security guy).

TL: Just so you know, I rubbed one off in the men’s room and smeared my man goop all over the book you just touched! You are holding my seed!

SP: (Looks down at her hands and starts to gag. Looks feverishly for a container to throw up in).

TL: Seriously! I rubbed like a quart of love juice on that bad boy!

SP: (Violently projectile vomits all over the table and on the shoes of the next person in line. Looks kind of like she might pass out).

TL: I love you!!! Todd is a douche monkey!

And that was it. I was pushed out of the back door of the store and told that if I come anywhere near Sarah again, I will be arrested.

Ok, so maybe our first date didn’t go exactly as planned. Still, I think you can tell from the conversation, we connected on a very intimate level. I am off now to the next book signing. I know Sarah will be thrilled to see me again. You betcha!!!

Here’s a pic of the crowd. Good people.

Please Stop Bashing Carrie Prejean

November 13, 2009

The dirty, liberal media is up to its old tricks again. This time, instead of attacking Sarah Palin, they have set their crosshairs on Carrie. (Although I am sure that once Sarah’s bestselling book hits the shelves, the hate will start flying her way again).

For those of you unfamiliar with Carrie, here is a quick recap. She was in the Miss America pageant and, seemingly, well on her way to winning it. In the Q&A portion of the contest, she was asked her thoughts on gay marriage. Like most of us good Christian Americans, she answered that marriage is strictly for men and women. Makes perfect sense. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, yes?

Well, unfortunately for Carrie, the judges were all flaming liberals and scored her low for her answer. Due to this obvious chicanery, she was robbed of the title. Worse still, she was made a pariah in the liberal media for supporting the proud tradition of marriage. In essence, she was scorned for her religious beliefs.

As if losing wasn’t enough, more allegations were made to sully her name. First, semi-nude photos started popping up on the Internet. This was done to make her look slutty. As those of us who read the Good Book know, Jesus had no problem with nudity. In fact, his best friend Mary Magdalene often walked around with her boobs hanging out. Jesus was no prude.

Next, she was criticized for taking money from the California pageant committee to get breast implants. They gave her this money to improve her chances of winning Miss America. Let’s be honest, you do need a decent rack to win. However, again, this is not inconsistent with her religious upbringing. Leviticus 3:12 says, “Women should provide their men with ample and bountiful boobage. If such boobage does not exist, thou shall go forward and purchase said item(s)”.

The most recent attack against her was made regarding a solo sex tape she had made for her boyfriend. Surely, this would prove she is a Jezebel. Not so fast, my friends. I present to you Copernicus 2:09, “A woman shall provide pleasure to herself in times of solitude. If recording equipment is available, thou shall tape said session for her mate. While instruments are not strictly forbidden, using thou fist shall not be acceptable”.

As you can see, every time the liberal media tries to hurt her reputation, the only word that matters refutes their claims. The evil and dirty Larry King tried to get Carrie to talk about all of this but insisted on asking “inappropriate” questions. The following video is only part of the story.

The following questions were edited out.

Carrie, when you were doing yourself, did you use both hands at once or just one?

Did you ever fantasize about me while you were tearing it up?

Have you ever used the backdoor in your solo lovemaking?

Do you go at the taint very much in your sessions?

And it went on and on. Please, for the love of Pete, stop badgering this fine Christian woman. She has done nothing wrong and we would all be so lucky to have a daughter like her. Well, we would be luckier to have her as a neighbor with lots of big, uncovered windows in her house but that is neither here nor there.

God bless you, Carrie. Keep up the great work.

Letterman Is A Fornicator And The IOC Is Racist

October 2, 2009

What a horrible day to be American. One of our greatest citizens, David Letterman, is caught banging the secretary and another great citizen, Oprah, is told “oh hell no” for Chicago and the Olympics. 

First, let me address the Dave situation. Doesn’t CBS have an HR department? Surely they have a policy that says the boss cannot sleep with the underlings. Every company has this policy. Either Dave ignored the policy, not likely, or they are just running one big fornicating factory over at CBS. I bet Jeff Probst is probably banging the Survivor girls and maybe a few of the better looking guys. 

The fact that one of the girls he slept with is 30 years his junior is not an issue for me. In fact, I commend Dave, who is otherwise not a handsome man, for being able to snag a halfway decent looking employee. He doesn’t have to be embarrassed like Bill Clinton and answer the, “You slept with that?”, questions. (For the record, I think technically his cigar slept with that woman, Miss Lewinsky). 

There is some question as to whether Dave was already with a steady mate at the time of his philandering. Who cares? He is a celebrity. Celebrities don’t have to abide by the same rules as the rest of us mere mortals. If Sarah Palin, for instance, wants to have sex with me (and she does) it is ok because she is a celebrity. Sure, it is not ok for me because I am not but I am hoping my wife will be in an understanding mood that day. 

As for the International Olympic Committee, what a joke they are. We send Michelle and Barack, plus Oprah, and they still shoot us down. Of course they did. They are a bunch of non-bathing, cigar smoking, fat, poopy faced, racist, foreigners. They never had any intention of giving us the Olympics. It will go to one of those Spanish speaking countries because, as we all know, the Mexicans basically rule the world these days. (And don’t kid yourself; Spain and Brazil are just like Mexico…nothing but tacos and sombreros). 

This will also make the terrorists happy because the airline tickets are cheaper to these other countries. Plus, their brown skin will fit right in. As I have mentioned before, if they would only shave those goat beards they would be completely unrecognizable in a crowd. That wouldn’t have happened in Chicago where they would have been surrounded by pasty white or charcoal black, fat men and women. You would be able to spot those skinny terrorists bastards from a mile away. 

EDIT: I see that the Olympics were awarded to Rio de Janeiro. Looks at these lunatics. They wear balloons on their heads for Christ’s sake. WTF?