What Kind Of Talent Does One Need To Be A DJ?

August 31, 2009

After reading about the death of DJ AM, (which was an obvious outcome if you have seen Final Destination), I became curious as to how one gets into this line of work. 

Radio DJ’s have been around for a long time but club DJ’s are relatively new. The ones that spin platters at strip clubs, my friends tell me, at least have the job of introducing the stripper so I can see why they are needed. 

But what does someone like Sam Ronson do? Does she chit chat with the audience? If so, what does she say and who the hell would want to listen to her in the first place? Does she “scratch” like Grandmaster Flash? I don’t think so because she is a white girl. So exactly what is it? 

To my knowledge, to break into the DJ world, you need to have a turntable or two. I’ve got that. Then, you need to have a wicked pisser record collection. I’ve also got that. Probably you should have a sound system with some big speakers. My Jensens more than fit the bill. There you have it…you are now officially a DJ. 

Here is a photo of my travelling kit:

my kit


With all of the equipment in hand, I guess you have to take requests. I suppose you are even supposed to play crappy songs like “Safety Dance” and “Mmm Bop”. (Ok, I am kidding about Mmm Bop…that song is the shizzle). What else is there at this point? 

When I am “DJ’ing” a party at my house, I try to make sure the tunes keep everyone pumped up. (True, those of you who know me know that I don’t have parties but I am trying to tell a story so stay with me). I hit people with some Barry White before having them do gay party songs. YMCA anyone? 

Is this what DJ AM and his peers do? If so, is there any reason I can’t do it? The young folks love me because they can catch an easy contact high off of me plus I am down with the latest groovy tunes. I can bring my milkshake to the yard if you know what I mean. 

If any of you are looking for a DJ that has some slammin’ Osmond albums, just shoot me an e-mail. I can perform at almost any function except those where clowns will be present. I have a mirror ball that can also be rented at a reasonable price. We will party likes it’s 1999!

Are You Really Going To Miss Michael Jackson?

June 26, 2009

I get that it is sad when someone dies at a relatively young age but I don’t really understand all of the over the top hand wringing. Mike hasn’t done anything new or innovative in what… 20 years? You were doing just fine during that period, weren’t you? 

And let’s not forget the whole “Jesus Juice” incident. Didn’t that get settled out of court for like 20 million dollars? I am not saying he was guilty of it but it is odd how people seem to just gloss that issue over. 

To be fair, I had the same reservations about enjoying listening to the Who once it was revealed that Pete Townsend was surfing child porn websites. Although he chalked it up to “research”, it still creeps me out. 

One measure of talent is the fan base of an entertainer. In this area, MJ was truly a king. Sadly, as you can see in the following AP photo, these people might not be the brightest bulbs in the pack. 

Fans remember Michael Jackson at the star they believe belongs to pop star Michael Jackson but that belongs to a radio personality of the same name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Thursday June 25, 2009 in Los Angeles. Jackson, the sensationally gifted ‘King of Pop’ who emerged from childhood superstardom to become the entertainment world’s most influential singer and dancer before his life and career deteriorated in a freakish series of scandals, died Thursday.
(AP Photo/Philip Scott Andrews)

Obit Michael Jackson Reax

(By the way, what exactly is that in the green shirt?) 

Soon, we will also hear about what a great actor Patrick Swayze was. Um….no he isn’t / wasn’t. He is just another of many pseudo Hollywood celebrities. Again, it is sad that he is suffering and is likely to die soon. But I got to tell you, there are young people dying everyday around us that go completely unnoticed. 

Every week, I read the list of service men and women that have died overseas this week. Where is their relentless news coverage on CNN or outpouring of grief by the common man? 

I would suggest our addiction to celebrity is really quite sad. When we need to know what Ashton Kutcher “twittered” about MJ, I know we have jumped the shark. (Of course, I really did want to know what Sam Ronson thought). 

I do feel bad about Mike’s children losing their dad. That is always the worst part of these things. But a friend of a friend was just stabbed to death by her husband and her children are also now parentless. Think she will get any kind of media coverage beyond a single news cycle? Don’t bank on it.

Rosie O’ Donnell Back On TV? WTF? Why, God, Why?!?!

November 24, 2008

Of all of the washed up, has been’s, why bring her back? Was Danny Bonaduce or “The Hoff” not available? And of all of the possible formats to choose, a variety show? Really? Doesn’t that mean that the star of the show has to have some sort of tangible talent? Christ, at least Donnie and Marie could sing a little. (Plus Marie was quite the looker).

What is it exactly that Rosie is going to do? She has already used the “I am hot for Tom Cruise” hiding in the closet routine. Not to mention completely back stabbing the incomparable Tom Selleck. Sure, it all makes sense now that we know that she hates all men but who cares? She has no shtick.

You might as well give that cackling hag from So You Think You Can Dance the gig. Believe me, listening to Rosie sing will be equally painful. What’s that you say? Don’t watch the show? Obviously, that goes without saying. But what about all of the unsupervised kids out there? They might be unwittingly exposed to this horror show and be scarred for life…kind of like Squirrel.

I can’t believe things are so bad at NBC that they actually came up with this idea. Oh wait, yes I can. These are the same idiots that brought back Knight Rider. Now it is all starting to make perfect sense. If Gabe Kaplan were still alive, God rest his soul, we would be seeing the all new adventures of “Welcome Back Kotter” any day now.

I am going to go on record as saying this show lasts 2 to 3 weeks, max. Even if every Sam Ronson fan in America tunes in religiously, there will just not be enough viewers. Plus, it’s Rosie freakin O’Donnell! Eww…I just threw up a little in my mouth. But I had Wendy’s for lunch so it wasn’t completely terrible.

The only good news is that The Gary Coleman “Little People” Variety Show is the back up if Rosie should fail. Todd Bridges will guest star and show everyone how to make homemade bombs. Plus, Vern Troyer will get sh**faced and try to get his game on with Natalie from The Facts of Life. Mmm…Natalie was smoking!


OMG! She is even hotter today! Who knew? Excuse me, I have to leave now. Where the hell did I put my Kleenex…

Jennifer Aniston Can’t Carry Angelina Jolie’s Jockstrap! (Metaphorically Speaking)

November 11, 2008

Jen has been whining some more about how the evil Angelina “stole” her man while she was still married to him. Look, you can’t steal something unless it is put in a place where it can be stolen. Do you really think that any man working with Angelina Jolie is not going to fantasize about being with her? In this case, Pitt actually got the chance. Was there ever any doubt as to who he would pick?

If you compare the two, Angie trumps Jen in almost every category. I will list just a few:

Academy Award Winner – Angelina Jolie

Better boobs – Angelina. Just watch “Gia” if you have any doubt.

Bisexual – Angelina. And the women Angie goes for DO NOT look like Samantha Ronson

Younger – Angelina by 5 years

Willing to wear your blood around her neck – Angelina (Even though it was Billy Bobs)

Refused to star on a crappy TV show with David Schwimmer – Ms. Jolie

Tatted up like a cracked out whore – Yet again, our girl Angie

And the list goes on and on. I imagine it is very difficult to be as attractive and wealthy as Jennifer Aniston and not be at the top of the list. My guess is that for most of her life she has had any man she has desired. Now, with her ego crushed, she is left hanging with the likes of Vince Vaughn. Then she moves on to play mommy for John Mayer.

When you look at all of the details, Jennifer seems to be a bit of a whack job. She has admitted to having therapy and just seems to be “one of those” people. Again, she is an attractive woman and if not for her insanity, I might even be interested. But I just can’t deal with nut jobs. So, sorry Jen, scratch me off of the top of your list. (Besides, everyone knows I am waiting for Sarah Palin to become available).

If you are a Jennifer Aniston fan, you need to stop supporting the losing team. Join Angelina and soar with the eagles! I hear for each kid you adopt from Africa, Angelina will get a special tattoo just for you! Plus, she can walk on water, heal the sick and make impotent men chop wood again. Sure, she is clearly some sort of satanic mistress but who cares? Life is short…don’t waste it whining like Jennifer.

(Jen – I was just kidding. Call me, I am way better than Vince Vaughn).

Even California Doesn’t Want Gay Marriage?

November 8, 2008

Wow, isn’t California like 80% gay? Why would they all vote against themselves? If you can’t have gay marriage in California, there is a real problem with the way the legislation is being written. Why else would gay marriage be repealed?

While I technically have no problem with gay marriage, (I think the Mormons have it right – 1 man, however many women you want), I must say that the majority of the state is against it, then that should be the law. That is the whole point of being a democracy. Clearly, the case for gay marriage was not effectively made. So, my dear gay friends in California, get over it. You had a chance and you blew it.

Melissa Etheridge, possibly the least talented performer in the world today, gay or otherwise, said that she will now refuse to pay her California taxes. Hey Missy, it doesn’t work like that. Stop being so petulant and act like a grown up. You didn’t get what you wanted. Either use your fame and fortune to lobby for new legislation or shut the hell up.

My new best lesbian friend, Samantha Ronson, somehow equated the overturn of gay marriage with providing more humane conditions for chickens. That seems to be quite the non sequitur but, really, what would you expect from a talentless DJ? By the way Sam, will you please leave Lindsay so she can find a better looking girlfriend? How many times must I ask?

Madonna and Christina Aguilera both compared gay marriage to being black. Madge said, “African-Americans are equal finally”. Are you kidding me you stupid old woman? Do you even know any black people (besides the rich ones)? I assure you, blacks are nowhere close to being treated equally unless they are famous. Your red Kabbalah string must be cutting of the circulation to your brain.

Christina somehow compared electing Obama as POTUS to gay marriage. Again, what the fu** kind of crack are you smoking? There is absolutely no correlation between the two. In this case, my guess is that your big fake boobs have caused a decrease of blood flow to your brain.

Dear celebrities, please stop comparing being gay or gay marriage to being black…or Hispanic…or Native American, etc. While there is a vague connection to be made regarding discrimination, it is tenuous at best. I will go back to the original point. The 2nd most liberal state in the country, California, has decided through its citizenry that gay marriage is not something they support. Simple as that. Tough break, Adam and Steve.


So gay people, stop whining, pack your crap and move to Beverly… Massachusetts that is. Swimming pools, gay marriage and people with funny accents. (Cue the banjo music).

Hey Lesbians. Why Are You So Angry?

November 5, 2008

I wrote a short message about Lindsay Lohan and her unpleasant looking girl/boyfriend, Samantha Ronson. Someone posted my link at some lesbian message boards so I went over there to see what was going on. (Strictly as a fact finding mission).

Man, was I disappointed. Most of the lesbians just seemed to be pi**ed off at everyone; particularly men. I don’t understand this. Is it because the “real” lesbians are kind of hard looking and men are mean to them? It is a genetic predisposition to just hate all things male? I simply don’t understand.

I guess why I am confused is that gay men are probably the nicest group of people on earth. How many straight women have a gay friend? Almost all of them. However, how many lesbian women have a straight male friend? Probably not nearly as many. Hell, even closet gays like Ted Haggard seem to always be in a pretty good mood.

Now, again, it could be a “looks” thing. Gay men tend to be thin, well groomed and fastidious. Lesbian women…not so much. Bad haircuts, no make up, thick legs, always wearing jeans, etc. Probably the biggest sin of the lesbian wardrobe is the flannel shirt. (Please do yourself a favor and burn all of them immediately, unless you are DJ Pat Pat…she rocks the look!)


Still, gay men put up with a ton of persecution and seem to deal with it fairly well. importantly, they seem to have an ability to keep their sense of humor in tact. Lesbians, excluding Ellen DeGeneres, seem to always be in a sour mood and can be downright hateful. Completely unlike the happy lesbian women I see in my adult movies.

So my dear, lesbian friends. Cheer up! We get it. You can be just as surly as a man. But why would you want to be? If you would just be nice, your life would be so much easier. Both men and women, in general, would be open to loving you just as you are if you would just stop grimacing all of the time. Lose the flannel, slap some lipstick on the pig (to use a political metaphor), maybe buy one or two skirts, let your hair grow past your shoulders (this is a BIG one) and put a smile on your face!

The world wants to love you but it is hard to hug a cactus. Be happy like your male counterparts and watch the world become your oyster! I am glad I was able to help you with my little pep talk. No need to thank me.

Why The Hate For Lindsay Lohan?

November 3, 2008

First, she gets kicked off of the “Ugly Betty” show for allegedly being “difficult”. Of course she is difficult, she is a superstar! She has earned the right to be a pain in the a**. Now, she is being removed as the host for the World Music Awards. WTF? If any name is synonymous with world music, it is Lindsay Lohan. Need I remind you her first two albums went platinum and gold respectively?

Then there is this whole deal with Obama. She volunteers to help with his campaign but his advisers say, “thanks but no thanks”. Why, because she is white? (I mean super ultra white…almost translucent except for all of those freckles). Or is because she has a hideous looking girlfriend? Newsflash Barack. We are ALL beautiful inside! (Except Lindsay’s girlfriend. Seriously, she is horrible looking).

This rejection has caused Lindsay to find solace in drugs and probably has had an influence on her really terrible driving record. How is she supposed to drive worth a crap when she is a) high and b) really hurt by everyone being super mean to her? My God, she is only 22…just a baby. Plus, she never shaved her head and got knocked up at the trailer park like another young star, who shall remain nameless.  

I just don’t get it. Lindsay is a world class musical artist, potential Academy Award winning actress (how she didn’t win for “I know who killed me” is still a complete mystery) and all around great gal! She has a loving, nurturing mother (Dina) and seems to come from a very stable family. Lindsay is truly an American treasure that is not being recognized for her greatness.

Ok, sure, she has flashed her hoo-hoo a couple of times but who hasn’t? That’s just part of being a good, responsible celebrity. You have to give your audience what they want!

So please, for the love of God, quit firing Lindsay! She needs the work plus Dina needs the extra cash flow. (Plus, maybe then she can afford a better looking girlfriend. I mean, wow, that “girl” is flat out fugly).

EDIT: It would seem that I may have offended some fans of Lindsay or her girlfriend, Sam Ronson. Let me put up another picture of the two of them:


What is so hard to understand? Girl on the right = pretty. Girl / man on the left is horrible looking. What am I missing?

Can’t Lindsay Lohan Get A Better Looking Girlfriend?

October 10, 2008

I have seen a lot of pictures lately of Lindsay and her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. By all accounts the two are happy although there seems to be some allegation about Ronson planting drugs in Lohan’s car and using Lindsay’s celebrity to improve her own status. Whatever. Of course people are going to leach off of celebrities…it’s as American as apple pie and if I knew a celebrity, I would be leaching as well.

No, my complaint about this situation is that Sam is not a very attractive person. If you are a mega rich superstar, don’t you get your pick of the litter? Surely there is someone out there that can fulfil Lyndsay’s needs that doesn’t look like Pete Doherty. Here is one of the better pictures of Samantha:


Seriously Lyndsay? You went lesbo for that? Good God woman, are you sure that’s not Pete?

(At least with Pete, you wouldn’t have to worry about him planting drugs since he would never be so wasteful with heroin).

I just don’t get why some lesbians feel compelled to have a girlfriend that fills the male role of the relationship. What is so wrong with finding an attractive mate? Does it make you somehow less gay? If Lyndsay was unattractive, i could better understand her choice but you don’t see supermodels marrying ugly guys, do you? (Excluding Billy Joel, Seal, Rik Ocasek…oh hell, forget that example).

As a celebrity, there is an obligation to fulfill the needs of the fan base. Let’s face it, men want to see “lipstick” lesbians. That is just the way it is. Every single adult movie ever made has a lesbian scene with attractive women in it. So Lyndsay, do what is right for your fans. Dump that little man Sam you are dating and see if you can bring Anne Hathaway over to your team. Sure, lesbians and feminists will hate you but your fan base will double overnight. And, let’s be honest, being popular is way more important than being respected…particularly in Hollywood.

As for Ms. Ronson, maybe she can then hook up with Rosie O’Donnell. The good news is, shockingly, Sam would then be the attractive one in the relationship. See? There really is someone for everyone.