Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

January 27, 2012

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL


Julianne Moore To Play Sarah Palin? WTF!?!?!?!

March 11, 2011

Seriously, was Oprah too busy to take on the role? Or maybe Rosie O’Donnell just wasn’t quite fat enough to pull it off. Julianne “I am as white as a ghost, freckled like an 89 year old man on Miami Beach, have the sex appeal of that stuff that oozes out of your eye when it’s infected,  and the worst Boston accent evah” Moore is really the best you could do? Hmm…let’s compare the two.

Here we see Sarah rocking her Naughty Monkey red pumps. Notice the muscular calves she developed by being a superstar athlete in her youth. Notice the way her heaving bosom is trying to desperately escape her crimson jacket. Notice the disgusted and pissed off look of the chick in the blue blouse standing behind only wishing that she could be as awesome as Sarah. In short, this is the picture of a Goddess. Not the icky, Hep C type that Charlie Sheen hangs out with. Only Wonder Woman could come close to matching her exquisite awesomeness.

Now let’s look at that Moore woman.

To be fair, I tried to find a “flattering” shot of Ms. Moore and this was about the best I could come up with. *Sigh* Where do I even start? Jesus Christ, she has more freckles than Lindsay Lohan. In fact, she makes Lindsay look like an African American compared to her. Moore is not even white…she is opaque. You can see her bones through her skin. She’s got old woman lips that are pruned up as if she had been held underwater for the last 36 hours. She has flapjacks for boobs and a forehead the size of Ethiopia. (Which I think is a really, really big country). Where is the sex appeal? The athleticism? The sparkle and fire? She’s not even wearing a pearl necklace for Christ’s sake.

Yes, I am sure they can spray a tan on her, give her the glasses, dye her hair, and, well, I don’t know what they will do with her wrinkly lips. That’s not the point. The point is Sarah has tiger blood in her (well, actually it’s on her from a recent safari) and the DNA of the female equivalent of Adonis. She oozes sexuality and the ability to kick your ass all at the same time. I love her and fear her in a way that only Adrienne Barbeau and my ex prison roomie “Tiny” used to make me feel. She pops out babies and kills dinosaurs on the same fu**ing day! (CLT will be glad to see I am still editing my swear words).

Look, (quick sidebar here – I hate when people preface a sentence with “look”. Look at what? How pompous of an ass you are by suggesting I need a signal word to know that what you are about to say is sooooo important? Blow me). Anyway, look, I’m sure Julianne is a nice woman. And she has probably made a million awesome movies that I have never heard of. But the fact is, Sarah is a living icon and should only be portrayed by the best of the best.

So, without further ado, I present to you the absolute best choice to portray Sarah. You know who she is. The star of 30 Rock:

That’s right, Salma Hayek. Aye carumba!

Salma Hayek Breastfeeds Stranger

February 12, 2009

Before you pervs get too wound up, the stranger was a baby. Salma was in Sierra Leone to support a tetanus vaccination project. Apparently, she came across a baby whose mother had “dried up”. (That’s gross breastfeeding lingo). Anyway, Salma picks the baby up, whips her boob out, and the kid has the finest meal he has ever had in his young life.

But I am confused. Are there not some sort of rules about grabbing someone else’s kid and breastfeeding them? This strikes me as something akin to wife swapping. I know people do it but it is pretty much frowned upon. Do women have baby swapping breastfeeding parties where they just pass the kids around in a circle?

Now don’t get me wrong. If Salma was actually saving the babies life or something, I would understand. But this causes all kinds of problems. First, how is this baby ever going to be able to go back to just a “regular” boob? This baby has just drunk from one of the greatest boobs of our generation. How in the world can it be expected to water when it is now accustomed to champagne?

Plus, is this going to lead to other celebrities whipping their milk bags out all over the place to get the same photo op? If Courtney Cox just had a baby, would you want her to snatch your kid from the stroller and start feeding it because a TMZ camera crew is close by? Worse yet, what if someone like Rosie did it? Your baby would be scarred for life.

If I were one of those guys that thought pregnant women were sexy, this would be an awesome story. But guess what…they’re not. You can go on and on about the “glow” of motherhood and all of that other crap but large women waddling down the street are not really attractive. And when they are breastfeeding, that is equally unsexy. Who wants to go have fun where your own baby goes? It just seems creepy to me.

So Salma, you are still a Goddess. And while I appreciate the fact that you are willing to share your world class boobs with others, you are going about it in the wrong way. You can’t just snatch kids up and start feeding them. If you really want to make the world a better place, offer your services to Hugh Hefner. That photo shoot will kill billions of sperm cells in young men as they are deposited in any number of inanimate objects. This, in turn, will lower the teenage pregnancy rate. You see how awesome that would be? Do it for the world. God bless you.

P.S. Lose that horrible looking bra. Go for something more lacy in red or black. You are welcome.

Here is the unsexy video:

Can’t Lindsay Lohan Get A Better Looking Girlfriend?

October 10, 2008

I have seen a lot of pictures lately of Lindsay and her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. By all accounts the two are happy although there seems to be some allegation about Ronson planting drugs in Lohan’s car and using Lindsay’s celebrity to improve her own status. Whatever. Of course people are going to leach off of celebrities…it’s as American as apple pie and if I knew a celebrity, I would be leaching as well.

No, my complaint about this situation is that Sam is not a very attractive person. If you are a mega rich superstar, don’t you get your pick of the litter? Surely there is someone out there that can fulfil Lyndsay’s needs that doesn’t look like Pete Doherty. Here is one of the better pictures of Samantha:


Seriously Lyndsay? You went lesbo for that? Good God woman, are you sure that’s not Pete?

(At least with Pete, you wouldn’t have to worry about him planting drugs since he would never be so wasteful with heroin).

I just don’t get why some lesbians feel compelled to have a girlfriend that fills the male role of the relationship. What is so wrong with finding an attractive mate? Does it make you somehow less gay? If Lyndsay was unattractive, i could better understand her choice but you don’t see supermodels marrying ugly guys, do you? (Excluding Billy Joel, Seal, Rik Ocasek…oh hell, forget that example).

As a celebrity, there is an obligation to fulfill the needs of the fan base. Let’s face it, men want to see “lipstick” lesbians. That is just the way it is. Every single adult movie ever made has a lesbian scene with attractive women in it. So Lyndsay, do what is right for your fans. Dump that little man Sam you are dating and see if you can bring Anne Hathaway over to your team. Sure, lesbians and feminists will hate you but your fan base will double overnight. And, let’s be honest, being popular is way more important than being respected…particularly in Hollywood.

As for Ms. Ronson, maybe she can then hook up with Rosie O’Donnell. The good news is, shockingly, Sam would then be the attractive one in the relationship. See? There really is someone for everyone.

Happy Birthday Danny!

September 26, 2008

As most of you know, I am happy to take requests here because it means someone besides me actually reads this crap. So, here is a little ditty that SD requested for her husband Danny.

Danny is a retired Navy man. Now, I understand your first thought will be, “you just said SD was a ‘her’. If Danny was in the Navy, then he was probably gay. What gives?” First, shame on you for thinking all men and women in the Navy are gay. That is simply not true…it is only about 50% from what I read on the Internet.

Now, I am not saying that Danny wasn’t exploring his sexuality when he first joined. After all, he saw this and thought it was a recruiting video, which he why he joined.

As you can see, the first guy in the video is wearing those sexy, white bell bottoms that the Navy people wear. How could Danny resist? (Good thing the Indian guy wasn’t first. Danny would make a terrible Indian).

Anyway, Danny joined and served this country gallantly for a long time. I believe by the end of his career, he was a General…or something. I understand he was in charge of a big bunch of boats. (They don’t call them “boats” in the Navy, they call them “yachts”).

My understanding is that once Danny got out of the military, he met SD. SD, being a good Christian, was able to pray the remaining gay out of Danny and then they got married. Danny still has a flair for style but in a masculine way. He is much less Carson Kressley-like these days and has become much more masculine, kind of like Rosie O’Donnell.  

Anyway Danny, I don’t know what disco club or leather bar you will be hitting tonight but I wanted to thank you for your service to our country and wish you the happiest of birthdays! You go girl boy!!!