Can The Rapture Hurry Up And Get Here?

June 29, 2010

I want the fundamentalists sucked up into the ether as soon as possible. Are you listening Jesus? Call your people home! I will stay down here and guard the place until you get back in seven years.

This latest burr in my heel was caused by my watching the documentary, “Waiting for Armageddon”. The movie follows a number of Christian fundamentalists on their never-ending quest for “end times” to arrive. One mother tells her children that they won’t live long enough to graduate or have children. Awesome parenting, mom…just awesome.

For the end to come, Israel needs to fall. Specifically, the Temple Mount needs to come down so it can be rebuilt. It is unclear on how the Muslims will be convinced to give up the temple but, since they have such a passive history, I guess the details aren’t that important. In the movie, many end timers were hoping that a stray rocket from the US – Iraq conflict would do the trick. Sadly, no such luck.

The best part of the story is that these lunatics believers feel that, once the Rapture occurs, the Jews will come to their senses and repudiate their beliefs. Because, if they don’t, well…it’s dirt nap time for them. The evil Muslims don’t get to go to Heaven under any circumstances. They are simply unfixable. I am not sure about everyone else.

What struck me most about watching this, and similar movies, is the abject fear that these people live in. They are afraid of damned near everything. The terrorists are after them, the government is after them, Satan is after them, other religions are after them; the list is endless. The irony that they are mostly well off white people seems to be completely lost on them.

But, here’s the point. If you truly believe Jesus has your back, what the hell are you worried about? Since the J-Man decides all things, shouldn’t you be as cool as the underside of a pillow? If Jesus wants the terrorists to blow you up, let them. You can laugh all the way to heaven. Since Jesus has a plan for everyone and everything, why spend a second trying to impact his divine judgment?

Maybe, just maybe, that fear is born from uncertainty in their beliefs. Maybe these folks talk a good game but really are scared to death of the unknown. (Which is why they probably turned to religion in the first place). This would explain why they have no interest in hearing other opinions or challenging their own beliefs. They are simply scared shitless.

Listen, my sheeple. I will protect you. My God is way more powerful than your God and can be trusted not to pull stunts like earthquakes and tornados. My God let’s the dorky dude get the hot chick. He also let’s you win at the craps table and eat Ho-Ho’s without gaining weight. Starting to sound interesting? Well, for more information, please send $10 to The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus Tannerleah located somewhere in Los Angeles, CA and next week, I will post a prayer on my blog and all your dreams will come true. It’s that simple.

Or, wait for the Rapture and see if you are one of the chosen ones. Are you sure you want to take that chance?

(It would appear that Jesus did not get the memo).

The Nativity…As I Understand It

December 15, 2009

I have been listening to people talk about “The Nativity” or birth of Christ in bits and pieces and have been trying to put the story together so I understand it. It is pretty complicated but here is what I think happened.

Joseph and Mary were a young couple living in the suburbs. Mary “accidentally” got pregnant but not by Joseph. The way they described it was “the immaculate conception”. Most immaculate conceptions happen in the back seat of a Chevy or in the bedroom of your boyfriend’s parents who are away on vacation. But, hey, I am not going to judge.  

Anyway, one day the King of the land told everyone to go back to their home cities so he could count them and figure out how much taxes he should be collecting. (They didn’t have a census bureau back then). Being the good lemmings that they were, all of the people hit the road. Joseph and Mary had a trip of about 70 miles. By this time, she was ready to give birth at anytime. Fortunately, they had a donkey for her to ride.

Just as they get to the town where Joe’s family lives, Mary goes into labor. They tried to get a room at a Red Roof Inn but it was full. However, the manager said they had a barn in back they could stay in. Joe and Mary went back to the barn and she had the baby. They wrapped it up and put it on some hay in a pig trough.

I have a real problem with this part of the story. What kind of business is going to take on the liability of letting some pregnant, broke woman stay on their property? What if something had happened to the baby? Can you imagine the lawsuit? Plus, what kind of hotel would turn away a pregnant woman in the middle of winter. After all, this is the end of December…it’s freezing out.

Anyway, when the baby is born, they name him Tito. Mary doesn’t like it and they change the name to Jesus. At this time an angel appears and tells them this is the Son of God. Also, a huge star pops up in the sky that will serve as a beacon for people to show up and bring baby shower gifts.

It would seem the Angel does not have much in the way of power or he would have smote the innkeeper for making Jesus sleep in the barn. Plus, he would have got out a magic carpet and drove the family to Joe’s parent’s house so they could get out of the cold.

Far away, 3 guys looked up and saw the star. The story goes that they followed it until they found Jesus. At this point, they gave him a bunch of stuff that babies need like gold and myrrh. (I guess an Elmo doll was out of the question).

This must have been some star. Hey, I know a really big star, it’s called the sun. As an exercise, I want you to follow it until you get to Wichita. Let me know how that works out for you. If the story mentioned a map or Garmin, I might have found it a little easier to believe.

As near as I can tell, that’s the end of the story. They hang out in the manger for awhile and then go to wherever they were going in the first place like nothing ever happened. The rich guys went away, as did the star and angel. Joseph would teach Jesus to be a carpenter just as he was. The fact that he only owned a donkey tends to make me think he wasn’t much of a craftsman. However, I think he sews together a Technicolor dream coat later in life so maybe he just started with the wrong vocation.

For those of you with limited knowledge of the Bible, I hope I was able to clear things up for you. If you are still confused, have a few drinks and read it again. I think it reads better when you are a little lubed up.

I Have Had An Epiphany About Religion

December 13, 2009

I don’t dislike religion, I dislike the people that believe in religion. And while this may seem like a small point, it is not. As I read the words of the icons of religion, I kind of nod my head and think, “these are not unreasonable thoughts and, if implemented correctly, would probably lead to a better world”.

Then, of course, man comes into the picture and completely screws the whole thing up. Man decides to “interpret” the words of the great religious leaders of our time and that is when all hell breaks loose.

Take this simple quote. “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him”. Pretty straightforward, no?

Except that somehow, “everyone” soon became a much smaller group. “Everyone” quickly became “those who think in the same way I do”. You believe in Jesus but are pro-choice? You are not everyone. You are gay? Again, not everyone. And the list gets smaller and smaller as the fractions multiply. Are you a liberal? Then you are not everyone. Fornicating with the neighbors wife? Hey…no one’s perfect. You can still be in the club.

And, remarkably, the second line even addresses this hypocrisy. God specifically told Jesus not to judge the world but to save it. Yet man spends the vast majority of his time judging. If Jesus was told not to do it, who the hell is man to do it?

Here is my other beef. I have spent years of my life being open to the concept that I don’t know very much. So, much of my time is spent trying to learn. Religious folks, in general, seem to spend little time trying to learn outside of their comfortable parameters. Distressingly, atheists have started taking the same approach. In essence, the argument is “I’m right and you are not”. At this point both sides cover their ears and make “nah, nah, nah”, noises so they can’t hear the other side. It is a scene straight out of kindergarten.

This would all seem to stem from ego and insecurity. We all have huge egos and, particularly in America, seem to be afraid of every damned thing. From the Y2K scare, to Anthrax, to H1N1, to Mexicans, to losing our gun rights, we walk around in a state of panic all of the time. The only solace we have is getting with like minded thinkers so we can stroke each other into feeling better. (Normally, I am for stroking but not this kind).

Being inquisitive and saying “I don’t know” is for pussies and weaklings. Well then strap a tampon on me because I am a giant pussy. I don’t know hardly anything but I enjoy learning about new ideas and concepts. Because I am not rigid in my beliefs, anything is possible. Am I sucker waiting to be had? Maybe. But it sure beats the hell out of being afraid of what’s lurking around every corner in my life.

So to all my friends of whatever faith you do or don’t belong, a challenge. Ask someone you disagree with and actually listen to their answer. Mull it over and consider the relative merit of it. It may or may not make sense but your mind will appreciate the little walk you just took it on. At the very least, you will be the proud holder of new information.

Frankly. if there is a Jesus or Buddha or Allah, I would think they are quite distressed at what has been done in “their” name. Personally, I would like to see the 3 join up and put one big ass smoting on all of the offenders of the world. That would truly be the greatest story ever told.

Frankly, we need to be more like these guys:


Church Of Scientology Busted For Fraud In France

October 27, 2009

A Paris court fined the church 900k for fraud. The court stated that the church pressured its members to give large amounts of money for questionable financial gain. The original complaint arose when a member of the church quit and wanted her money back. 

How funny is this? What makes it particularly amusing is that you can pretty much substitute any church denomination and get the same results. Sure, most call it “tithing” but, let’s face it, a spade is a spade. When you quit the Catholic church, do you get your money back? Didn’t think so. 

The judge stated that the church was “obsessed” with monetary gain and their practices were aimed at putting members into a “state of subjection”. Dude, maybe you should hop a bus to Italy and take a look at the Vatican. Now that’s a group that is obsessed with monetary gain. As for the “state of subjection” charge, what church would pass that litmus test? 

Don’t get me wrong, Scientology seems to be full blown crazy. But, from my point of view, so is every other established religion I can think of. I realize no one really gives a crap about the French because that country has gone to hell in a hand basket. Still, the precedent has been set. Wait until the Jews line up outside of their Synagogue asking for a refund. Rabbi Rabinowitz is not going to be a happy camper. 

I hope when L Ron Hubbard comes back from the big rocket ship in the sky, he points his photon torpedos at the French first. Granted, the odds are pretty slim that L Ron will be showing up anywhere ever but, you have to admit, it would be pretty damned funny. Tom Cruise could be the new king and any guy over 5’ 5” would have to have his legs shortened so Tom would tower over them. The women can be tall because Tom is cool with that. 

tom cruise

(Tom says, “The power of Tannerleah compels you! The power of Tannerleah compels you!)

A word of advice to all of my religious friends out there. Stop giving money to your respective churches immediately. You are putting them in danger of being charged with fraud and you wouldn’t want to be the reason that TD Jakes or Joel Osteen gets put in the slammer, would you? 

Instead, send your money directly to me. I personally think 10% is kind of low but do what your heart tells you to do. I will then “reallocate” the money to the various organizations without their solicitation. Kind of like how the US Treasury operates. Your churches will still be funded, minus an administration fee, and no one can be accused of fraud or intimidation. I know…you are thinking, “You are the awsomest TL”. I do it because I care. Now stop reading and start filling up my PayPal account. Do it for the children.

Duggar Family Has 19th Child. Awesome.

September 1, 2009

EDIT: I wrote this bit last December when Mrs. Duggar was popping out number 18. It still applies. Also, I have a technical question. When is the quiver ever truly full? 20 kids? 25? I would like an answer, please.  

Because, really, you can never have enough children. With any luck, and if Jesus so decides, the Duggars will have another 10 kids or so. I am sure their insurance carrier is absolutely thrilled with their ability to procreate like bunnies.

If you are wondering how this couple decided to have so many children, you need look no further than religion. Not really a surprise, is it? The Duggars believe in the Quiverfull movement. It is exactly what it sounds like…a desire to collect as many arrows in your quiver as you can. Why? Because the Bible says so. See? Makes perfect sense.

Because it is a religious decision, it is above rebuke by many. After all, who can argue with God’s will? If it were not due to their religion, these folks would be torn to shreds by the media and people that normally care for the well being of children.

Before you tell me how balanced and wonderful things are in the Duggar household, let’s all readily admit none of us know the truth. However, from simply a logistical standpoint, it is hard for me to believe that each of these kids is getting the kind of individual nurturing they deserve. They appear to be herded around like little more than cattle.


Yes, the Stepford children can be cleaned up nicely and conditioned to nod when spoken to. But this seems to be little more than a self propelled cult. (By the way, it really isn’t meant to be a clown car).

Why do people feel compelled to take a good idea and distort it? Whether it is fake boobs, tattoos, piercings, children, houses (hi Senator McCain), cars, etc. Bigger is NOT always better.

I wonder what the uproar would be if the Duggar family just happened to be black or Hispanic. (Or insert any minority). Can you imagine the fallout? But since it is good old white Christians, everything is perfectly ok.

Oh well. Knock yourself out, Duggars. I don’t intend to travel to Arkansas anytime soon so, as long as we are not on the same medical plan, do whatever you want. I am sure Jesus is beaming.

By the way, the naming all of the kids with a “J” plan just reeks of cult-ness.

Gay People Need To Be Quiet In Church

August 25, 2009

This is the lesson learned by Monique Stephens and her lesbian partner (some unnamed woman). It seems Monique and her lover girl were being disruptive during a service at New Olivet Baptist Church. So the bouncers (or whatever they call these guys in church) kicked them out. 

According to Monique, they knocked her glasses off and were just generally rough with her. Of course they were! Jesus doesn’t want people being all lippy when he is trying to get his message out. You are supposed to be quiet and learn something. 

To be fair, Monique and friend may not have known the rules since they don’t believe in God. (Which probably explains how they ended up being gay in the first place). 

Rev. Kenneth Whalum Jr. told the congregation to bow down and blow kisses to God. It was at this point that Monique and her partner refused to participate. Allegedly, (which means it probably happened), they were being loud and disruptive during this period of time. 

Not surprisingly, some of the congregation referred to them as “devil worshippers”. Clearly, they are or they would have done the “blowing kisses to God” thing. Only heathens and gay people would ignore such a command. 

Rev. Whalum said that he has a whole boatload of the gays at his church but they tend to follow his instructions. He stated, “If I put every lesbian out of church, we’d be putting people out of church all day long.” 

Just a minute, Padre! Are you saying that the New Olivet Baptist Church is chockfull of lesbians? Do you mean the good kind? You know…the lipstick variety? If so, I am there, my brother. If you mean the Rosie type, however, then I encourage you to keep kicking them out as you see fit. 

Maybe Monique and her carpet loving associate were worried that they were going to get the gay prayed out of them and became disruptive. This is a common problem in church. For those of you that are uneducated on such things, let me explain. When a person in church starts speaking in “tongues”, that means that the gay is coming out of them. I read this on a very reputable website so I am pretty sure it is true. 

In any case, I hope that all parties involved can learn to get along. I must go now as it is time for me to blow some kisses to God. Pucker up, big fella!

Seen Any Good Gay Exorcism Videos Lately?

June 25, 2009

Apparently, there was one floating around YouTube recently that was quite entertaining. Here is how the AP reported it: 

The video shows the 16-year-old boy lying on the floor, his body convulsing, as elders of a small Connecticut church cast a “homosexual demon” from his body.

“Rip it from his throat!” a woman yells. “Come on, you homosexual demon! You homosexual spirit, we call you out right now! Loose your grip, Lucifer!”

Aren’t religious people just precious when they do this kind of stuff? I wonder if they painted a big scarlet letter “G” on his chest just to make it more official. The article doesn’t say whether they got that big queer Lucifer out of the young man but my guess is that they did not.

By the way, when did Lucifer become gay? I know he is all evil and mean and everything but I never knew he was into dudes. Maybe this is the real reason he and Jesus didn’t get along? (“For God’s sake Lucifer, I am not going to rub oil on your back! And put your pointed thingy back into your pants”)

Later in the article, it mentions that the devil disciple throws up in a bag. With ever quick thinking, one of the zealots yelled, “Get another bag, make sure you have your gloves.” Because you definitely don’t want to get gay puke on your hands. That stuff just doesn’t come off. 

How is this crap even possible in this day and age? How are these adults not responsible for what is simply criminal behavior? Does the fact that the crime is couched in religion absolve these idiots of any responsibility? And, as usual, where the hell are the parents? 

What really frosts my a** is that everyone knows that exorcisms don’t work on gays. It was already tried on Clay Aiken and was a miserable failure. You have to say a certain chant like, “I pray the gay away from you today” seven times and then sprinkle holy water and wafers over their head. This is kindergarten stuff. Stupid splinter religions. 

If any of you come across this video, please be so kind to post a link. I need to know what these lunatics look like so I can run when I see them. 

 Be afraid…be very afraid

By 2090, There Will Be No More Christians In America

March 9, 2009

Or something like that. In the last 15 or so years, 10% less Americans identify themselves as Christians. So, doing the math, I think the United States will harbor no more Christians after 2090. Don’t ask me how I got to the number…it is very complicated and involves statistics. Really, really hard statistics.

What will America be like with no Christians? I envision a much happier place. No longer will gays, people of color, working moms, UFO believers, and Satanists be mocked. Instead, it will just be one happy, non-judgmental family. You do what you want to do without the worry of the “invisible one” looking over your shoulder every second.

Just this reduction in stress alone will lead to a happier world. There will be no competition for whose God is better or who the chosen people are. We will all be the chosen people. Chosen to lead a productive life and chosen to die an unremarkable and dignified death.

There will be no need to attack our brothers around the world based on their beliefs because, well, we will have no extraterrestrial beliefs. The Golden Rule will finally have real value and people will treat each other with the dignity they deserve.

Sure, we will have to give up some cool stuff. Televangelists, monster crosses, mega-churches, cool religious symbols used for tattoos and jewelry, and tithing will all be goners. Also, the number of pedophile priests and money grubbing pastors will be greatly reduced. Just the price I suppose we will have to face.

What in the world will fill this religious void? I don’t know. Maybe kindness, consideration, love, understanding, unity, empathy, and a variety of other muted traits that we seldom see today. Who knows, maybe intellect and science will once again raise its head above superstition and tradition. (We can dream, right Liz?)

Don’t get me wrong. There are individuals within our culture that do great things in the name of Allah or God or whoever their icon is. This is truly commendable. However, in the future, this will be non-denominational. They will be allowed to share the same love for their Muslim or Hindu brothers and sisters as they do for their fellow former Christians. Sure, we can still hate fat people, short people, tall people, skinny people, and whatever other slices of humanity that we choose to alienate. I didn’t say it would be perfect but the religious intolerance that rules the world as we know it will be dead. That’s something we should praise Jesus for…while you still can.

Satanist Inmate Sues County For Discrimination

February 21, 2009

Jason Paul Indreland has filed  a $10 million lawsuit against Yellowstone County (in Montana) for civil rights discrimination. Included in the complaint is an allegation that the county is prohibiting Jason from practicing his satanic religion. The suit goes on to say that the complainant had a religious medallion confiscated and he was denied access to a “Satanic Bible or Book of Satanic Rituals”. On top of these complaints, Jason alleges that he was discriminated and harassed because of his religious beliefs and placed in situations where “violence was expected”.

According to Jason, he has been practicing Satanism for the past decade. Her is a photo of the servant of Satan:


Jason is currently serving 5 years at the Montana State Prison for a meth arrest. Here is an example of some of the persecution that he faced as written in his complaint. “Christian natured greeting cards under (his) cell door describing how he was going to undertake a huge change in his life and how Jesus was ready to save and accept him.” Obviously, for a Satanist, the whole Jesus thing is a bit of a problem.

So, what to make of all of this? Pretty silly, eh? Here’s a little test. Go back and read this again and insert Jesus or Christian into the appropriate areas. Still ridiculous? I suspect most Christians would say that if this kind of harassment was happening to a follower of Christ, this would be entirely unacceptable. Can you imagine any state taking a crucifix away from a prisoner or denying them access to the Bible? It would never happen.

Here is what I don’t understand. If you can believe in God / Jesus because of the Bible, then surely you could equally believe in Satan since she is also in the Bible, no? So why is Jason’s complaint any less legitimate? Because he is not part of the majority? Don’t get me wrong, I find most complaints by prisoners to be frivolous. You know why? Because they are in prison! They did the crime now they can do the time…with their mouth shut.

Still, it is remarkable to me that state officers would be trying to help Jason “find Jesus” (Once again, Jesus has gone missing. Get the Amber Alert going). Would they accept Jason slipping Satan cards under their doors? Highly doubtful. This is, at its core, the continuing problem for all religions of the world. The “my way or the highway” doctrine. If you don’t believe in MY God the way that I believe in MY God, by the rules that I follow, then somehow, you are less of a person for it. Worse, you are going to burn in hell. Just being “Left Behind” is not good enough. (By the way, the first couple of those books were quite enjoyable).

So, all of my Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc. friends. I call on all of you to respect the rights and privileges we are afforded as human beings. Respect the Pentagram! (Or ox head or virginal sacrifice or whatever the hell else Devil worshippers are up to these days. I guess I need to watch the satanic Twilight again).

Amen and Hallelujah. Brother TL.

PS: Am I gay if I am sitting here listening to Alanis Morissette? (“I’m sick but I’m pretty”…love that line).