Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License

October 16, 2009

Well it’s about damned time! Finally, someone out there shows some common sense about mixed race relationships. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, LA refused to issue a marriage license to a black man and white woman. His primary reason for doing so was because he believes offspring form these couples “suffer” in today’s society. 

Now before you go all tree hugger and label Keith a racist, take a minute to learn his position on people of color in general. First of all, he states that he has “piles and piles of black friends”. Does that sound like something a racist would say? Do YOU have piles and piles of black friends? Didn’t think so. He also says that he allows black people in his home and allows them to use his bathroom. When is the last time you let a black man pee in your toilet? Granted, Keith will still not let the blacks use his pool and they have to drink from the garden hose in the back yard but, other than those things, it’s all good. 

As far as his charge that mixed race kids are suffering, I will just have to take his word for it. I seriously doubt he would just lie about such a thing. However, this is not the only group of people suffering from these hybrid children. Have you stopped for even a moment to consider how confusing this is becoming to our racist population? There was a time when they could tell whether you were black or white from just peeking out of the trailer window 30 feet away. Now you almost have to get right up on people to figure out whether you are supposed to hate them or not. 

Halle Berry

See what I mean? How is an avowed racist supposed to hate Halle Barry when she has so many awesome white features? This may very well be leading to the significant decline in race hating groups in America. Can you imagine an America without racism? That’s one of our oldest traditions. You might as well kill all of the bald eagles and never serve apple pie again. 

Here’s another problem. Do you remember when it was ok to be a proud, black man? Black men were virile and almost all of them could run the 100 meters in under 11 seconds. Plus, their penises were truly magnificent. (If you can’t remember this, rent Mandingo). Anyway, now that the white man’s limp, tiny penis blood is being mixed in, all of those good traits are going away. For Christ’s sake, Morgan Freeman has freckles! How far has the black man fallen? 

So congrats to you Keith for trying to keep it real and keeping the “real” America alive. If God wanted black mixed with white he would have made Mexico. (He didn’t…Satan did). Now if you will excuse me, I need to go iron my confederate flag and work on the underpinning of my mobile home.

Why Do Black Men Keep Kidnapping White People?

May 28, 2009

Well, not actually kidnapping them…just being accused of kidnapping them. The latest case involves Bonnie Sweeten and her daughter, Julia Rakoczy. Bonnie called 911 to say that she and her daughter had been carjacked by 2 black men and stuffed into a trunk. 

Of course, this never happened. Bonnie and Julia were tracked down at the Grand Floridian Hotel in Orlando. (Maybe the black guys wanted them to enjoy their kidnapping by taking them to Disney). She is being extradited from Florida and will be charged with making false police reports and identity theft. (She bought her airplane tickets with a friends ID). 

By the way, here is a photo of the lily white Bonnie. (Looks a little like Liz, doesn’t she?).

Victims In Trunk

This story really pisses me off. As an occasional black man, I am tired of my brothers always getting blamed for kidnapping or killing whitey. How come the Mexicans never get blamed for anything? They are way better at smuggling people so they would be natural born kidnappers. Yet they never get blamed. 

What about Indians or China men? What about the French? Except for nannies, they hardly get blamed for anything. And let’s not forget the most nefarious criminals of all…midgets. (Or dwarves, as they preferred to be called). They are up to no good all of the time. But, since they are so damned cute, they always get off of the hook. 

And what about Albino people and Eskimos? They are always sneaking around acting all guilty. My point is, there are a litany of other choices to be made when deciding on who you are going to try to frame. You don’t always have to choose the black man. In fact, it is so played out, that you lose credibility almost immediately. 

Now, if she had accused black men of stealing from her, well, that is totally believable. Everyone knows that they steal crap all day, every day. It is as if their swimming gene was replaced with the stealing gene. Funny how God made that happen. Just his little joke, I suppose. 

Well, I think I have pretty much offended everyone except clowns and monkeys so my work here is done. Please, leave my brothers alone. Fo shizzle.

another crazy white woman

The Great Bike Theft (BB&B)

May 11, 2009

Part of my childhood was spent growing up in a dirty, mid sized industrial city. In the sample chapter titled “Will”, I spoke about how my Dad had his car stolen. I also had items stolen on a regular basis…usually my bike. 

The reason for this was simple; I didn’t lock it up every time I got off of it. For instance, one time I ran into a 7/11 for maybe two minutes to buy a soda and by the time I exited the store, my bike was gone. 

Fortunately, some friends saw the kids who stole it. The store owner, who was now convinced these same kids had probably shoplifted him, called the cops to report the stolen bike. 

Within what seemed like no time at all, the police were there and asked my friends to describe the kids. All they had was “they were black”. Back in the good old days, this was not profiling as much as an indicator as to what neighborhood they were from. The Hispanics lived in one part of town, the Italians another, the blacks yet another, and so on. 

We drove to the “black” part of town in the cop car and saw a bunch of kids sitting around on their bikes. The cops asked if I recognized my bike and I said I couldn’t be sure. As I sat in the back of the cruiser, they got out and proceeded to knock each kid off of the bike he was sitting on. One by one they tumbled, cursing and screaming police brutality. This seemed to only agitate the two cops. 

Finally, after each bike had been brought over to me, I could not identify mine. The cops seemed more discourage than even I was. At least they weren’t going to have to face the wrath of my Dad. 

As we started to pull away, I noticed that one of the bikes had the initials “SB” embedded in the bottom of it. My bike! My Dad always pounded our initials into everything we owned. After about a 30 second disagreement with the kids, the cops seized the bike and threw it in the trunk. 

All was right with the world. I had my bike back and, except for the fact that they had pulled all of the handlebar tape off and jacked up the hand breaks, it would be like it never happened. Except for one tiny problem… 

I went to school with those kids. I knew them and they knew me. To make a long story short, I was thrown into the lockers on a regular basis each time I saw these guys for the remainder of the school year. They never really hurt me…just wanted to make sure that I understood who was in charge. Knowing that these kids could inflict much more serious damage to me, I had no problem with that. 

In retrospect, I was quite the pussy back then, wasn’t I?

Obama Looks Like A Dead Monkey?

February 18, 2009

Do me a favor. Look at this cartoon out of the New York Post:


What is the first thing you think of when you see that cartoon? Two things immediately popped into my mind. First, both of those cops need to get nose jobs. Seriously, how can they even carry those things around without hurting their necks everyday? The second thing I thought was, “Damn, that guy is a pretty good shot”. Sure, it was at close range but I bet the monkey was acting all…well…apesh**!

Basically, every media whore personality, jumped on the fact that the monkey was meant to portray Obama. Now you know that I, being an occasional black person, do not condone any kind of racial bigotry. (Ok, I do have an issue with Eskimos). But besides the nose rubbers, I am the first to stand up for what is right when it comes to these matters. And so, the truth is the first thing I thought of when I saw this was that even an idiot monkey could write that piece of crap bailout bill.

That’s the honest to Jehovah truth. It wasn’t until I was surfing later that I read the comments of the Honorable Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend Al said  the cartoon was, “troubling at best given the historic racist attacks of African-Americans as being synonymous with monkeys.” Really? We just voted a kind of black man in office but if you make a monkey joke you are racist? I completely and utterly miss the correlation.

This continues to be a problem for our country in all aspects of race, gender, and religion. Every group, even white males (KKK) feel like they are somehow being offended and read way to much into the most innocuous events. Could we all just sac up a little please? There are plenty of real crimes against humanity out there. So many, in fact, that I could just write a blog about them everyday. Gay person being beaten? Yup. Person of color being assaulted? Check. Woman being sexually abused? Several times a day. When this kind of thing gets blown out of proportion, it takes the spotlight off of the real problems we face.

Eh…enough of my soapbox speech. Back to what you hoodlums came here for.

One time, in band camp, I met that hot monkey chick from Planet of the Apes. (You know, the one that Charlton Heston wanted to bang). Well, we knocked back a few banana daiquiris after practice one day and can I just tell you she rocked my world! Monkey chicks can do the most amazing things! And her tail? Oh my God…if only all women had a tail. What a wonderful world it would be. I don’t know where you are monkey woman, but I still fling my poopy around every once in a while just like we did in the old days. I miss you…


(That damned Heston! Always trying to get busy with my monkey girlfriend).

Since Racism Is Dead, Can I Make Black Jokes?

January 20, 2009

I don’t actually have any; besides, I am terrible at telling jokes. I just figured since we are now past racism, it would be ok to tell them. I didn’t really think racism would end in my lifetime but, according to various media outlets, you can stick a fork in it cause it’s dead.

I was thinking about going to East LA and start throwing out a bunch of crazy gang signs and screaming, “What’s up my bitches!”. Now that we are all one big family, I am sure the gang bangers would find it really funny. Maybe I could even wear a hood or something…that would probably get me even more laughs.

I am so glad that almost 400 years of racial pain has finally been put to rest. Since we are all one big happy family, can I use the “N” word with my brothers now? I was told that only African Americans could use that term because they have carried the burden of racism. But since we are past that, I should be able to do a bunch more Chris Rock material, no?

I could be wrong but I have a sneaking suspicion that white people came up with the whole, “with a black man being the POTUS, we have cleared the last racial hurdle”. This is an easy way for whitey to wash his hands of the whole mess. You watch, they will try to elect George Lopez next time and consider the Latino and immigration problem solved.  (Sorry women, you don’t really fit into the picture).

So, my friends of color, no longer will you be profiled and pulled over in your car for looking “suspicious”. No longer will you have people following you in the department store asking if they can “help you”. No longer will you hear any fried chicken and watermelon jokes. When you date a white person people will still stare at you but will be thinking, “What a handsome couple”.

Yes, all of our racial problems have been solved. Reverend Wright and Minister Farrakhan will now be on the Sunday morning talk shows sharing their views. Hell, they might even roll out Flava Flav every once in a while. Prisons will no longer be disproportionally filled with young black men and inner city schools will now have a graduation rate of 80% instead of less than 20%.

I could go on but why bother? All of those issues are now problems of the past. God, I feel like bursting out into a chorus of, “We Are the World”. I need to hop up from my computer and go hug some black folks. (Oh, and write some really funny jokes about all people of color. I can’t wait to share them with my new multi-racial family…they are going to love me!

Seems The Whole “Black President” Thing Is Not Going Over So Well In Certain Places.

November 16, 2008

Since Barack Obama’s election, here are a few of the heart warming stories that have surfaced across this great nation.

  • 4 North Carolina State students wrote, “Let’s shoot that ni**er in the head” in a tunnel designated for free speech.
  • In Standish Maine a betting pool titled the “Osama Obama Shotgun Pool” was offered for a mere $1 per entry. At the bottom of the poster, it says, “Let’s hope someone wins”.
  • 2nd and 3rd grade students on a school bus in Rexburg, Idaho chanted, “assassinate Obama”. (Good job parents…you should be so proud of yourselves).
  • Crosses were burned in the yards of Obama supporters in Hardwick, N.J. and Apolacan Township, Pa.

And the list goes on and on. My vote for most original hate crime belongs to Snelville, GA. where Denene Millner’s sister-in-law, a black Obama supporter, had her lawn trashed and 2 pizza boxes full of human feces left at her front door. (It would seem that the sister-in-law did not really want to talk about the incident). Filling up two pizza boxes with feces requires the kind of commitment that few people possess. As racists go, this group was clearly full of crap. (Please, no groaning).

So for all of the talk that we have somehow moved past racism in America, let’s not kid ourselves. Granted, most racism is much more subtle but it is still alive and well. We could make a similar list about other intolerence based on race, sexual preference, religion, body shape, etc. It is a staple of who we are as humans. We are somehow genetically wired to “hate” some group…or at least feel they are inferior to us.

Will the day come that we ever move past this? I doubt it. As long as there is a class system in the world, someone will always want what someone else has. Even if you addressed all of the issues above, new forms of discrimination would emerge. Thin people would hate fat people. (Oh wait, that one already exists). How about people with blue eyes and blond hair would hate those with brown eyes and brown hair? Eh…I think that one already happened as well.

So, the truth is, we are stuck with it. Barack HUSSEIN Obama offered a serious speech on the subject in his campaign in which the vast majority of Americans covered their ears and said, “lalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you”. We are more comfortable in acting like hatred is an abhorrence rather than a staple of life. As long as we feel this way, people will be getting pizza boxes of poop left at their doors. (Back in the day, you put dog poop in a paper bag, lit it on fire and rang the doorbell. Ah, the good old days).

Oddly enough, the most obvious discrimination these days is paid for, and aimed at, good old white folks. That’s right…I am talking to you, cracker. If you watch TV, you will see that women are inferior to the thin, large busted actresses and models they should compare themselves to. (Although, I must say that the “big boob” thing seems like a reasonable aspiration). And for men? Well, you are impotent, constantly having to go to the bathroom, better get a beer to have a chance with the ladies, losers. And the beautiful part of this system is that those being targeted get stuck with the bill.

If you ever see a commercial that says, “Hey, you know what? We think you are ok just the way you are”, you will know we have reached nirvana. In the meantime; men, do something about that thinning hair and women, get to work on those flabby thighs.

Let me leave you with the eloquent words of native Georgian (and white man) Grant Griffin: “I believe our nation is ruined and has been for several decades and the election of Obama is merely the culmination of the change. If you had real change it would involve all the members of (Obama’s) church being deported.”

Amen, brother Griffin, amen. Words that Jesus himself might have spoken…well, if he wasn’t a black man.

With all of our racial harmony, do you suppose this skit from 1975 would be apprpriate today?