Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?

Do You Hate All Blacks Or Just Obama?

June 24, 2010

As an occasional black man, I need to know this so I can understand just how many of you racist peckerwoods are out there. With so few of you even trying to hide it anymore, the number has grown substantially.

How do I know this? Because the arguments against Barry have grown increasingly ridiculous. I thought that the “birthers” were probably as bad as it could get but I was wrong. Someone, somewhere posted that Barry is making over $85 million off of the BP disaster through his Vanguard accounts. As near as I can tell, he has about $300k invested. I am not a math major, but the ROI on that seems slightly high. (Although I am sure other Vanguard holders are praying to God the numbers are right).

This is just one example of how anything that is said or written about our Black King is readily digested as the truth by the racist masses. You can say you hate Barry for his policies or lack of actions (of which there are many gaffes to choose from) but it goes well beyond that. You hate him because he can’t bowl like a white man. You hate him because he has purple lips. You hate him because of his tiny ears. Let’s just call a spade a spade…you hate the black man.

But here is the thing. He has given you two extra years of unemployment checks. He has hooked you up with health care. He offered to take your shitty, rusted, El Camino filled with empty Lone Star beer cans in the back, and let you trade up to a newer pick up. He even tried to get you to move out of the trailer park and buy a house without wheels on it. In short, he has given you racist douche bags everything you want except the ability; still, to marry your first cousin legally.

Don’t get me wrong. I have all kinds of problems with Barry. His no-limit credit card spending, his failure to do a damned thing about the wars, his desire to be all things to all people, his entire staff being “insiders”, etc. The list goes on and on. But none of it has to do with him or his heritage. Who cares? It’s not like he’s a Jew or something.

I realize that the only thing worse than having a black man as POTUS is having a Mexican but that day is coming too (although we better never have a woman President…unless it’s Sarah). The truth is, it doesn’t matter what color the big man is. He is accountable to the movers and shakers of the world; not you.

Politicians have a choice. To either hang out with people loaded with cash and access (think Wall Street), or you, Joe Donut (the constituent). Who the hell do you think they are going to cater to? And wouldn’t you do the same thing? So, stop hating on the black man and dreaming that whitey is going to be your friend. He isn’t…unless you have the cash flow to capture his attention.

Now, go back to spending your time on chasing down Bigfoot and “browsing” at the local Wal-Mart. Oh, and keep an eye out for the black helicopters you delusional, paranoid, racist, ass hats.

(Do you even need to ask whether I would hit this or not?)

Mark Souder: Hero Of The Common Man

May 21, 2010

For the first time in a long time, a politician has finally been caught having an affair…with a hot chick. The laundry list of politicians with ugly women is ridiculously long. The hooker that Spitzer had was hot but, before that, you had to go back to JFK and Marilyn Monroe. Slim pickings indeed.

So, this Bud’s for you Mark Souder. Bringing hope to every middle-aged, doughy looking, Viagra taking, “Jesus loving”, mid-life crisis stricken man out there. You give us the will to live another day.

The story of a politician doing something stupid is pretty routine and this would appear to be no different so I will not take the time to pile on. However, I would like to address one part of the story that I heard which was clearly edited for the public’s consumption.

Fellow Hoosier, Rep. Mike Pence, said that he spoke with Souder and Souder told him all about the affair. He made it out to be a dour conversation which was very serious and profound. However, my pool boy Paco has uncovered a secret videotape of the two men using a bathroom on Capitol Hill that tells a very different story. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of that conversation:

Mark Souder: Hey Mike! How ya doin’?

Mike Pence: Hi P-Dog, how’s it going? How are the wife and kids?

MS: Good…very good. Say Mike, do you remember that part-time chick I had on my staff that I would make those silly abstinence videos with?

MP: You mean the one with the nice rack? Yeah, wasn’t her name Kathy or Sandy or something?

MS: It’s Tracy. Anyway, guess who’s hitting that?

MP: You? Are you shitting me? You are the man!

(They fist bump with explosion).

MP: So, how is she? She looks like a wildcat. Getting any Hershey highway action?

MS: C’mon Mike, a gentleman never tells. (Starts humming the Door’s “Backdoor Man”).

MP: You dirty bastard! (Gives another fist bump sans explosion). Do you think she would be interested in a little DP action?

MS: I don’t know…I could certainly ask. What would I get out of the deal?

MP: Well, if any of this ever got out, I could say I spoke to you about it already and you were very remorseful and contrite. That way, I could hook you up with my lobbyist buddy when you resign so, really, it would be a “win win” situation.

MS: Sounds like a plan. Anyway, I need to get back to my office and finish painting signs for my Tea Party supporters. They are a pretty demanding group.

MP: Cool. Just let me know when you want to set this up. Barry is going to be traveling next week so we could do it in the Oval Office. Clinton isn’t the only one that knows how to have a good time.

MS: I’ll bring the cigars. See ya.

MP: Peace out, Dirk Diggler.

In the interest of being transparent, the video is pretty grainy and Paco and I had to lip read to translate as the audio was bad. Still, I am pretty sure I have it right. Paco tells me he also has a tape of Hillary Clinton and Elena Kagan getting it on at the Lincoln Memorial. I will have to be awfully drunk to watch that one but I will try to muster the courage to do so.

This has been another public service announcement from Tannerleah. (And, to a much lesser extent, Paco).

(How horrible looking must her husband be for her to be sleeping with Mark Freakin’ Souder?)

My Conversation With Sarah Palin

November 20, 2009

I was finally able to meet my dream woman yesterday, in person. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous to be meeting a true icon face to face. However, soon after meeting Sarah, I was immediately put at ease and relaxed. Here is the transcript of our conversation.

SP: Hi there? How ya doin’?

TL: Good. Did you really call Trigger a retard?

SP: (Looking slightly bewildered) Of course not. Levi is just making those things up.

TL: Oh…ok. In the Newsweek photo where you have running shorts on, you seem to be wearing panty hose. What’s that all about?

SP: (Still looking perplexed) Well, it was more of a glamour shot than an actual, ya know, reality photo.

TL: Who is keeping an eye on Russia while you are on your tour?

SP: (Grits her teeth a little) That’s kind of an old joke. Who do you want the book made out to?

TL: When you and Todd get it on, do you wear your stiletto’s? Specifically, the red shiny ones?

SP: (Little beads of sweat forming on her brow) That is really not an appropriate question. (Looking around for security).

TL: I’m sorry. It’s just that they look so good on you I figured you probably wore them in the sack. Does Todd go backdoor on you?

SP: (Turning a pretty shade of crimson) You, sir, are being rude and belligerent. Please move along before I have you removed.

TL: When you have a baby at your age, I bet your lady parts don’t bounce back into shape very quickly. That’s why I asked about the back door. Do you spit or swallow?

SP: (Stands up looking kind of pissed off) Security! Remove this man immediately!

TL: Have you ever done a Rainbow Kiss or Dirty Sanchez? Did McCain ever whip his thingy out in front of you?

At this point, two security guys start dragging me away.

TL: Wait! Sarah, you didn’t sign my book yet!

SP: (Hands my book, unsigned, to another security guy).

TL: Just so you know, I rubbed one off in the men’s room and smeared my man goop all over the book you just touched! You are holding my seed!

SP: (Looks down at her hands and starts to gag. Looks feverishly for a container to throw up in).

TL: Seriously! I rubbed like a quart of love juice on that bad boy!

SP: (Violently projectile vomits all over the table and on the shoes of the next person in line. Looks kind of like she might pass out).

TL: I love you!!! Todd is a douche monkey!

And that was it. I was pushed out of the back door of the store and told that if I come anywhere near Sarah again, I will be arrested.

Ok, so maybe our first date didn’t go exactly as planned. Still, I think you can tell from the conversation, we connected on a very intimate level. I am off now to the next book signing. I know Sarah will be thrilled to see me again. You betcha!!!

Here’s a pic of the crowd. Good people.

Arnold Says “Fu** You” To State Assembly

October 28, 2009

As you know, I hate all politicians. However, I must give credit where credit is due. Governor Schwarzenegger was replying to some bill from the California State Legislature and wrote this: 

Arnold is the shizzle

Sure, it probably took a ton of hours for Arnie’s staff to make this reasonably coherent. And, this no doubt cost the taxpayers of California a pretty penny. Still, it is funny as hell. This is the kind of behavior that just might instill confidence in our political leaders once more.

Tell me again why Arnold can’t be POTUS? And don’t use the citizen thing…Barry already broke that rule. 

Credit to Tim Redmond at the SFBG

Obama Is Brainwashing Our Children!

September 8, 2009

Ok, so I didn’t actually have time to listen to his little speech today but don’t think for a second I am not hip to what his message was.

The edited version talked about doing your homework and staying in school. It talked about responsibility and character. I am sure we can all agree these are good things.

What was left out, however, was the real agenda of President Obama. You know, the “hidden message” that he so cleverly hid from all of us. Well, I for one am on to his little game and have solved the riddle. Let’s look at his real message.

He talked about being healthy. That is just code for “support my Communist health plan”. Why should we support his plan when he is bringing black eyed peas and collard greens into the White House? Is that “healthy” food? He is probably washing it down with grape Kool-Aid.

Next, he talked about the value of extracurricular activities. The hidden message was to play more basketball, and stay away from swimming. (He mentions Michael Jordan but not Michael Phelps). Play baseball if you have to but, really, leave that for the Mexican kids.

He also said to listen to your parents but what he really meant was to listen to Jay-Z or NWA or Nas or Fifty-Cents or one of those other thug rappers. He was saying that these folks should be your real role models. Why not mention Pat Boone or one of the many popular white artists out there?

Shockingly, he also insinuated that all women should be called “bitches and ho’s”. He used the words teachers and role models but it was obvious what he meant. Even I was shocked at how blatant this was.   

Can you now see why people like me and Pat Robertson told you that this was a bad idea? We knew that, given the chance, he would go off on some racist rant that was probably partly written by OJ Simpson and Al Sharpton.

Fortunately, my kids were not exposed to this disgusting display. They are home schooled and learn everything straight out of the Bible…the way Jesus would have told it. Obama also talked that mess about landing on the moon. Good golly, you might as well give the dinosaur or Holocaust speech again if you are just going to be making crap up.

I say it’s a sad day for America when the President of our United States is allowed to talk to our children directly. (Unless it is a white President named Bush or Reagan. That Bush is a real good reader). I knew he would try this kind of tom foolery and sure as white on cotton, he did. I hope you people are happy.

Town Hall Meetings = Retard Gathering

August 14, 2009

Here is what I have learned from all of the recent town hall meetings I have seen on television. We are a nation of retards. Not the cute cuddly “Corky” retards…but the nasty, difficult, poop throwing, criminal retards that generally occupy our state insane asylums. 

Before you tell me why I am wrong and picking sides, let me say that both sides of the aisle are equally retarded. The right wants to know if we are in Russia and the left wants to know how we are going to stop insurance companies from driving us all to the poor house. Neither side listens to the other and the rhetoric is straight off of a professional wrestling script. 

Interestingly, the politicians just kind of stand aimlessly in the middle of these things looking absolutely hapless. When your job is to suck everyone’s di**, sometimes it is hard to know which one to put in your mouth first. Quite the conundrum. 

Now you can criticize me for not attending these meetings in person but, unlike apparently the vast majority of these “town hallers”, I have a job that I have to attend to. The welfare moms, cranky old people, and blond GOP soccer moms seem to occupy most of the seats at these gatherings. And really, what a great group to represent the masses! 

I particularly like when the “founding fathers” card is played. You remember these guys don’t you? They were the ones that banged their hot slaves at night while the misses was tending to the darning. We sure wouldn’t want to disappoint those guys. (Just like 200 years from now, people won’t want to disappoint the memory of Pelosi, Kennedy, Bush, and Cheney.) 

Here is what I would like to see happen. Before you get to speak at a town hall meeting, you have to take a quiz before you get to open your yapper. There has to be at least a sliver of evidence that you are coherent and have actually studied, even a little bit, the subject you are talking about. 

In this case, raise your hand if you have read ANY of the Obama health care plan. No? Then shut it. Even a hater like me can’t complain about it because I haven’t seen any of it. It might be the greatest thing ever or worse than putting ketchup on your ice cream. I haven’t a clue. And all of the useless blather from equally ill informed citizens is getting on my last nerve. 

If you must do something, go quietly carry a sign like this guy. God bless America.


Sarah Palin Would Be An Awesome Slutty Flight Attendant

June 19, 2009

Is there any doubt about this? When David Letterman suggested she was shopping for these slutty clothes, my Sarah somehow took it as an insult. Hardly! What Dave was saying is that very few women could rock that look the way that Sarah could. Man, just thinking about her in that outfit is making a little (but not too little) tent in my pants. 

He also mentioned that Sarah’s daughter got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. What is the problem here? I wish my daughter would get knocked up by the 28 million dollars a year A-Rod. How is that worse than being knocked up by a broke, high school drop out? C’mon Sarah…get your head on right. There is a laundry list of guys you should hope knock her up next time and Levi ain’t on that list. 

And of course Dave wasn’t talking about the 14 year old daughter, Maple. She is not the one that has the reputation of being…how should I say this…not very selective. And I am in no way criticizing Bristol’s past behavior. I wish her mom would be a little less selective and dump old Todd. (As long as Todd took the baby, Biscuit). 

All I know is that it was awesome to see Sarah in the national spotlight again. Whether she is talking about creepy old men or looking at Russia from her kitchen window, it just makes the world a better place to be. 

And I will let you in on a little secret. Kate from Kate Plus 8 has a big announcement Monday. The announcement is twofold. First, she is dumping her husband and will be joining Sarah on the 2012 Republican ticket. A tape will be “leaked” of Kate and Sarah getting their freak on with each other just prior to the election day. The vote will be a landslide. 

Also, she will announce that she has, in fact, been knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. They are expecting to have doublets which should not be a problem due to Kate’s already massive vagina. No need to thank me for this top secret information.   

P.S. Here is a photo of Sarah signing a baseball. It read: 

Dear A-Rod – Please knock me up first. Xoxoxox Sarah

Rays Yankees Baseball

Who The Hell Is Alan Keyes?

May 18, 2009

I know he has run for POTUS like 6 times but, other than that, who is he and what does he do for a living? More importantly, how do I get a job like his? You know, just show up at events and protest. I would rock at a job like that. 

Most recently, he was arrested for protesting Obama speaking at Notre Dame. (And by the way, can Barry give a great speech or what? Love him or hate him, the dude has a way with words). 

Anyway, back to Alan. What job did he have to take time off from to mosey on up to South Bend to lodge this protest? Is he an attorney, politician, accountant, actor, clown, sewer cleaner? What the hell does this guy actually do? 

Alan reminds me of the Honorable Reverend Al Sharpton. The difference is, I know that Al is a preacher man and has some non-profit (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) organizations. This is how he buys his awesome looking suits and keeps that hair slicked down with a couple of gallons of 10w 30. He is a working man. 

On the other hand, Alan just pops out of the woodwork every now and then. Today, it’s abortion and tomorrow it might be that America sells too many blue cars. He is truly one eclectic cat.   

The king of not really having a job is Jesse Jackson. (By the way, is it a coincidence or conspiracy that these 3 guys are all black?) I am not sure that Jesse has ever actually had a regular job. Granted, he has done a great deal for civil rights and that might be slightly more important than a 9 to 5 job. Plus, I love how he rhymes everything. That is not easy, and I am not peasy. See? I told you rhyming is hard. 

So Alan, Al, and Jesse…how does a tired brother like me get a gig like you have? Can I just show up at rallies and someone hands me a check? Whose job is it to bail me out of jail? (I don’t want to end up like Ram). Will all of these arrests look bad to potential employers or will they see me as Gandhi like and hire me out of pity? These are just some of the questions I need answered. 

By the way, was the protest at Notre Dame a success? Did a woman somewhere say, “Well, I was gonna get an abortion but, since Alan Keyes is against it, I have changed my mind”. If not, what the hell was the point of all of that? I am not condoning abortion but I can’t imagine vilifying women is a good way to achieve your goal. You think about that Alan Keyes as you do whatever the hell your real job is.

Catholics Sure Do Have Selective Memories

May 12, 2009

How else can you explain their complaining about Obama giving a commencement speech at Notre Dame? The whole point of contention is Obama’s “pro-abortion” stance. This has lead to the following billboard being put up in South Bend.

notre dame billboard

The truth is, if there was even a hint of consistent behavior from these people, I might be inclined to understand and support their grievance. But, of course, this is little more than political hogwash. 

Where was the outrage when Dubya gave his commencement in 2001 at Notre Dame? You know, the same Dubya that has different views from the Catholic Church on small items such as nuke-u-lar proliferation, labor, the environment, the death penalty, etc. Where was the mock outrage at that event? 

Of course, there was none. Why? Because the core Catholic Church has turned into little more than a shill for the Republican Party. This is why you see moderate Catholics fleeing the Church in droves. They simply can’t take it any more. 

Even the Vatican couldn’t come out with a comment on the Obama speech scandal because the premise is so ridiculous. And this is where they fail their flock. Instead of sitting silently by to avoid incurring the wrath of the lunatic fringe, they should be speaking out boldly about this subject. But they won’t. They never do. 

There was a time, in my lifetime, when the Catholic Church was admired and the Vatican had true power in the United States. Those days are over as politics and religion have become so inbred that there is simply no separating the two. The core tenants of the Church are so diluted, or antiquated, that there is little left to hold onto. I suppose that is why these splinter groups within the Church feverishly cling to particular beliefs. 

How about instead of ignoring Barry at Notre Dame, you listen to him? And then you engage him in a conversation that is in the best interests of mankind. For instance, how about supporting single mothers and adoption? (Something that the last 5 Republican and Democratic regimes have done absolutely nothing about). 

Or, continue to stick your fingers in your ears and ignore the world around you. Yeah, that seems to be working really well for you. Good luck with that.