Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

January 27, 2012

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL


Letterman Is A Fornicator And The IOC Is Racist

October 2, 2009

What a horrible day to be American. One of our greatest citizens, David Letterman, is caught banging the secretary and another great citizen, Oprah, is told “oh hell no” for Chicago and the Olympics. 

First, let me address the Dave situation. Doesn’t CBS have an HR department? Surely they have a policy that says the boss cannot sleep with the underlings. Every company has this policy. Either Dave ignored the policy, not likely, or they are just running one big fornicating factory over at CBS. I bet Jeff Probst is probably banging the Survivor girls and maybe a few of the better looking guys. 

The fact that one of the girls he slept with is 30 years his junior is not an issue for me. In fact, I commend Dave, who is otherwise not a handsome man, for being able to snag a halfway decent looking employee. He doesn’t have to be embarrassed like Bill Clinton and answer the, “You slept with that?”, questions. (For the record, I think technically his cigar slept with that woman, Miss Lewinsky). 

There is some question as to whether Dave was already with a steady mate at the time of his philandering. Who cares? He is a celebrity. Celebrities don’t have to abide by the same rules as the rest of us mere mortals. If Sarah Palin, for instance, wants to have sex with me (and she does) it is ok because she is a celebrity. Sure, it is not ok for me because I am not but I am hoping my wife will be in an understanding mood that day. 

As for the International Olympic Committee, what a joke they are. We send Michelle and Barack, plus Oprah, and they still shoot us down. Of course they did. They are a bunch of non-bathing, cigar smoking, fat, poopy faced, racist, foreigners. They never had any intention of giving us the Olympics. It will go to one of those Spanish speaking countries because, as we all know, the Mexicans basically rule the world these days. (And don’t kid yourself; Spain and Brazil are just like Mexico…nothing but tacos and sombreros). 

This will also make the terrorists happy because the airline tickets are cheaper to these other countries. Plus, their brown skin will fit right in. As I have mentioned before, if they would only shave those goat beards they would be completely unrecognizable in a crowd. That wouldn’t have happened in Chicago where they would have been surrounded by pasty white or charcoal black, fat men and women. You would be able to spot those skinny terrorists bastards from a mile away. 

EDIT: I see that the Olympics were awarded to Rio de Janeiro. Looks at these lunatics. They wear balloons on their heads for Christ’s sake. WTF?


I Am A Superstar…Sort Of

August 18, 2009

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from an individual who alleged she was a “researcher” for the Dr. Phil show. The e-mail stated that she had read this bit about my issue with older women having children and wanted me to call her. 

Ever the risk taker, I called the number with the Los Angeles exchange fully expecting to be asked to send a “small fee” to Dr Phil in exchange for being on the show. To my surprise, it all seemed relatively legit. They were putting together concepts for shows and thought this might be an interesting subject. 

Immediately, I asked why they would care about the opinion of a completely anonymous blogger? I was told it was because I represent the “average” person. I must say, being called average was one of the nicest compliments I have received in a long time.   

The nice young lady asked me to send a photo so they could put it on their board, and that was that. Can superstardom be far off at this point? The last time I was this famous was when I snuck onto the set of a John Butcher Axis video. Heady times, indeed. 

Anyway, since that conversation, I have not heard from the fine folks in Dr Phil land. I wonder what could be taking so long? I tried to think of anything that I have written in other posts that might have rubbed them the wrong way. Except for several comments about Oprah’s weight, I don’t think there is anything. (And that shouldn’t matter since my sources tell me Phil and Oprah are on the outs). 

It is possible that they have passed on me since I have been so hard on midgets and Eskimos. However, I have been very kind to Sarah Palin so that should earn me some points, right? And it’s not like if I got on the show I was going to rag on Dr Phil’s porn stache or something. I know how to play the game. 

So, I wait. If I am asked to be on the show, and it would probably be one of those primetime specials, I will let you all know. I will need a posse to accompany me on my adventure of new found fame and am willing to be bribed to make you part of the team. But hurry, the fame train will soon be leaving the building.


The Elizabeth Edwards “Bus Driving” Tour Continues

May 10, 2009

Elizabeth, we get it. John cheated on you…and not even with a particularly attractive woman…much like yourself. So how many more times do you have to tell this story and drive the bus over your husband? How many metaphoric deaths does he have to endure? And how many more copies of your book will telling this story sell anyway?

By the way, as the standard bearer of such issues, you don’t see Hillary out there shilling her book by talking about Bill’s little excursion(s) (Again, with not very attractive women). She understands what politicians are made of and dealt with it internally. And don’t kid yourself…this could have been much, much worse. You can be grateful you didn’t find out that John was getting his freak on with Larry King or some other guy as many politicians do.

I empathize with what you have been through in losing a child and battling your illness. You have a lot to talk about and it might even be beneficial for others to hear you tell your story. But the fact is, you are still married and constantly bashing your husband just seems jaded and tawdry to me. If you want to get even, go sleep with some guy. I will do you if it will get you to stop talking for five minutes. (Or more like one minute). Of course a large fee will need to be paid. By you…not me.

So please…no more Oprah sob stories. (And by the way, don’t think for a second that Oprah hasn’t cheated on her mate, Gayle. Celebrities and politicians are cut from the same cloth). If you insist on disparaging your husband, then get rid of him. You can’t have it both ways and be a victim but then stand by your man. Like Hillary, the best thing to do is to just kick your husband’s ass in private. Put a serious whippin’ on him. That will stop his behavior…temporarily.

If I were you, I would have an affair with the Kate Plus 8 husband. That would cause all kinds of interesting twists to an otherwise boring story. And somehow have Gary Coleman be involved… and chocolate, handcuffs and 2 ponies. That would make it even better. Just, for the love of God, stop the whining about your husband. Thank you.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day everyone!


Pants Under Or Over The Belly?

April 30, 2009

As my stomach expands with age (and junk food), I am starting to worry that I    am going to have to make a major decision in my life. That decision is, of course, whether to wear my stomach over my belt or wrap my belt around my stomach. 

To date, I have just rested my gut comfortably over my belt. This is how most guys do it and it seems to work pretty well. I am at a disadvantage only in the sense that my ass was surgically removed when I was young so my pants want to fall from the downward pressure. 

I suppose I could rock the suspenders, and look damned good doing it, but I think that look went out in the fifties. (Except for Larry King who, sadly, died 10 years ago). Or, I could just cinch the belt really tight like I do now. Still, it can be uncomfortable when I sit for long periods of time. (Which is all the time). 

If I wrap the belt around my stomach, like say, Santa does, I will lose what little bit of dignity I have left. Nothing is more pathetic than the dude that has his pants pulled half way up his torso with his junk hemmed in from the legs being pulled too tight. Still, it seems like a comfortable approach and at almost 50, no one gives a crap what I am doing anyway. 

I am sure some of you will say, “Hey, fat ass. Why don’t you just lose the weight?” First, thank you for your kindness. Second, I have lost the weight, and gained it, and lost it, etc. Doesn’t there come a point in my life where I can stop fighting that fight. I just look like I swallowed a bowling ball, is that so horrible? I am not all Oprah, sloppy big. (And remember, black is supposed to make you look thinner). 

I guess I will just leave things the way they are and try to keep my weight under control through continued lying around and eating bad food. Fingers crossed, I think it just might work. Plus, the ridicule I would take from my family if I hitched my trousers over my naval would be unbearable. They are all waif like and treat the “fat dude” poorly. I can’t give them anymore ammo. 

If you can think of a better alternative plan, please feel free to share. (And no Liz, I don’t want to hear about eating more carrots or, Oz forbid, “working out”).


Oprah Shows Some Common Sense While Newt Doesn’t

April 20, 2009

As most of you already know, I am not a big fan of the Oprah. I think she is a hypocrite and constantly speaks out of both sides of her ample, donut eating mouth. Plus her ego is bigger than her ass. (And let’s face it, her ass is HUGE). 

Still, I need to give her (or her handlers) some credit. They decided not to air a 10 year anniversary show on the Columbine shootings. She said it spent too much time focusing on the killers. It is good to see someone show a little common sense on such matters. 

While it is important to remember Columbine, Oklahoma City, 9/11, etc, I think it is disgusting when these events are sensationalized to promote TV ratings. Visiting little Billy 10 years after his dad was blown to pieces just enrages me. If Billy wants to come forward, on his own, I don’t begrudge him that choice. However, dragging people through the pain of those events in hopes that they will cry on camera is just reprehensible. 

I realize there is an audience for this type of thing. Just like the group that loves to watch donkeys having sex with young women or watching pit bulls kill each other. However, just because they exist doesn’t mean they need to be catered to. Let them find their cheap thrills somewhere else. 

While Oprah showed good sense, Newt Gingrich did not. He is railing about Barry shaking hands with Hugo Chavez. This, somehow, demeans all Americans and empowers murderous regimes throughout the world. Really? A simple handshake can do this? Get over yourself, Newt. (And seriously, why did you not get that name changed?) 

The surest way to knock a bully off their game is to kill them with kindness. Why? Not because they will change…they won’t. Instead, however, Hugo has to now explain why he is, or isn’t, going to work to repair the relationship with the mighty USA. And believe me, the good folks in Venezuela want some of what we got.   

Next, I want to see Barry put Kim Jong-Il in a bear hug and then rub his head. That will set the little fellow off for sure. 

So, in summary, good on ya Oprah for sparing us the Columbine melodrama and shame on you Newt for acting like it is still the 70’s. You say some really smart things sometimes but then you say some really stupid things. Try to cut down on the stupidity if you really want a shot at POTUS. (Plus, stop banging chicks while whoever you are married to is having chemo).


I Should Be A Literary Agent

April 5, 2009

Why? Because I am excellent at saying “no” or “I’m too busy” to people. As near as I can tell, this is the job of all of these agents. Let me explain.

I have written two awesome books. The first, “Vegetarian Zombies”, clearly has mass appeal and would be a best seller. I sent a query letter to probably 20 agents and they all said no. Fast forward ten years and I wrote the next great novel, “Gumming Fruits for the Tooth Challenged”. Again, a huge audience just waiting to be spoken to. But what happens? More rejection from the agents.

Now, I have finished my autobiography that covers the first 17 years of my life. (I know that might not seem like much but I was very busy during that period). To be honest, this book is primarily for unstable people and family members (I know that is redundant). As I looked at Lulu and BookSurge, I read time and time again that this is “vanity” publishing and just a notch up from the moral equivalent to humping a dog.

It would seem only illiterates, people with bad breath and midgets use such an avenue to get published. So what am I supposed to do? Send my life story to a stranger so they can say, “Hm…you really aren’t that interesting”. Who can take that kind of abuse? You might as well say I have a small thingy…which is totally not true.

So, to circumvent this horrible situation, I am now a literary agent. I have “green lighted” my first project (my own book) and am happily looking for others. I won’t lie, I have very high standards. So, if you send me a query letter or manuscript, be prepared for some negative feedback. Here was my first rejection:

Dear Madame,

Better verbiage has resulted from the collected corn in my stool.

Regards, Tannerleah

I could have been harsher but I am a human being and have feelings like everyone else. Plus, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by criticizing her 1st grade writing assignment too negatively.

So, if you are an aspiring writer, send your stuff to me at tannerleah2004@yahoo.com. I will do my best to find someone to publish your stuff. Now, I don’t have proper “credentials”, so if you need that type of thing, you might want to search elsewhere. Plus, I will definitely try harder if you throw in some cash with the deal.

For you fellow literary agents out there, I might let you look at my book if you are really, really nice to me. E-mail me at the above address so I can consider your credentials. I will try not to reject you but I can make no promises. Know this, my book will be on Oprah’s list in no time at all. (Note to self – remove the many disparaging comments about Oprah from my blog. Particularly the Hippo stuff).

I look forward to the massive response to my various requests. TL