When Did Michelle Obama Become So BLACK?

February 26, 2009

Take a look at this photo from Reuters of Michelle:

 michelle-obama

Wow! All of the sudden she is black with a capitol “B”! When did this happen? Maybe she was out in the sun too long when they were in Hawaii. But, hell, that was over 2 months ago. It has been nothing but cold in DC since then. Maybe she goes to a tanning salon but I somehow doubt she has the time, or desire, for such things.

No, this is another case of a news organization “O.J.’ing” a black person. You know, the magazine cover where they made OJ look darker so he would seem more menacing? Now they are giving the same treatment to Michelle. One day she has the tone of Halle Berry and now she looks like Flava Flav.

Where is the outrage? This is the kind of stuff that Sharpton should be raising hell about…not the damned monkey cartoon. And please, don’t try to explain it away as a “lighting problem”. How come those same “problems” don’t happen to whitey?

What is remarkable about this is how brazen the media is about such things. TMZ released the Rhianna photo and the masses just assumed it was real. Who said so? I can create the same photo in about 10 minutes time with the software that is available today. But the lemmings just keep marching slowly to the cliff…

Look, I think Michelle is a fairly attractive woman. Granted, she needs to keep those big teeth under control but, overall, she makes a good FLILF. But when you post a photo that makes her look like she just crawled out of a coal mine after a 12 hour shift, well, I have a problem with that.

So Reuters, get your sh** together. This is our First Lady that you are throwing under the bus. I am not cool with that. If you can’t get a decent photo, then just don’t print one. Better yet, get a new camera! (I have a very nice Kodachrome that would do a fine job and can be had for a fairly small fee).

Michelle, I apologize for the racist whiteys out there that continue to make your race an issue. I say it’s about time we had a first lady with some good looking junk in her trunk. (And that can also dance a mean “bump”). Mrs. First Lady, you can fist me anytime you like. God bless you and God bless America. TL.


You Can’t Chop Your Wife’s Head Off In America

February 17, 2009

Maybe that kind of stuff is ok in other parts of the world, but we don’t cotton to that kind of behavior in the US. You can stab, shoot, strangle, run over, or choose a variety of other ways to kill your spouse. Chopping the head off? That’s a big no-no.

Muzzammil Hassan started Bridges TV in 2004 in an attempt to balance the negative portrayal of Muslims after the 9/11 attacks. (I have never watched the show as it is not listed among the 600 cable channels that I have). It is unclear whether his efforts were fruitful. However, this we do know. Cutting your wife’s head off is not going to be seen in a favorable light. Let the Muslim bashing begin.

Muzzammil (or Muzzy as I know him) was charged with second degree murder. Can I ask a question? If chopping someone’s head off is not premeditated murder, what is? Wouldn’t it take a hell of a lot of effort to make that happen? Wouldn’t you start to get tired about half way through and think to yourself, “Maybe I am slightly over reacting. I should leave the head on”.

Muzzy was having trouble in his marriage as his wife had filed for divorce after several domestic abuse complaints. So, this guy was the quintessential stereotypical Muslim. What he claims he hoped to make better he has now just reinforced. This is just more crap that my Muslim brothers are going to have to put up with now. Muzzy is to Muslims what OJ is to blacks…a lightening rod. Also like OJ, he has left two young children without a mother. I don’t know what the Muslim equivalent for hell is but I hope that’s where Muzzy is headed. (Instead of 72 virgins you get 72 old, clapped out whores?)

There is some concern that the killing will be seen as an “honor killing” since the Quran allows husbands to punish disobedient women. Of course, if this is the case, then I take back all of the bad things I have just written about Muzzy. Clearly, an “honor killing” is perfectly acceptable and the way you decide to carry this killing out is irrelevant. Even a meat grinder or wood chipper is acceptable under those conditions.

While I personally don’t condone these actions, I do understand that different cultures have different values and belief systems. For instance, can you imagine a religion that doesn’t eat beef? There is one. What about a religion that thinks blacks are devils? Got that one too. What about a religion that believes in an invisible man that lives in the sky that hears and sees everything that happens in the world and has favorite sports teams? I think you can see where I am going with this. “Let he who lives in a stone house cast the first glass out of the rock window”…as it says in scripture.

I wonder if Chris Brown is Muslim?


Tennessee Court Frees Confessed Killer

January 18, 2009

In yet another court decision that boggles the mind, Kenneth Dailey was set free from prison on Friday. Ken was in jail for confessing to the murder of Nancy Marie Lyons, a prostitute he had hired. He confessed to police twice that he had strangled Nancy during a fit of rage. Unfortunately, he had not been read his Miranda rights before the first confession. However, after being read his rights, he confessed again. The Tennessee Supreme Court ruled the double confessions as invalid and set Dailey free.

Here is a photo of Dailey and Lyons:

kenneth-c-daileynancy-marie-lyons 

 (And don’t even think of saying something snarky about Nancy’s mullet…may she rest in peace).

The good news, if you want to call it that, is that since Dailey never actually went to trial due to his guilty please, he can be re-tried on the charges. Double jeopardy does not apply in this case because a jury never actually convicted him.

Speaking of “double jeopardy”, let me digress a bit. “Double Jeopardy” was the name of an otherwise horrible movie only made tolerable due to the radiance of Ashley Judd. This leads me to a question. How is it possible that the Mother Judd, who is also attractive, had one beautiful child and then allowed Wynonna to spring forth from her loins? My God, what an unattractive woman. Of course, now I have to see her in Alli commercials which makes me even more sick to my stomach. It is not bad enough that I have to see her enormous head on TV, now I am stuck with the image of her “anal leakage” as she walks down the street. Why anyone would take Alli and drip poopy out of their butt all day is beyond my comprehension. I am going to be sick. Please Ashley, remove that terrible image from my head.

ashley-judd

 Ok, I feel a little better now. Where was I?

Oh yeah, the dumb a** court letting a confessed killer out. Can I make a suggestion? Instead of letting the killer walk free, how about you just punish the cops that screwed it up in the first place? When his Miranda rights were read to him does not change the fact that he admitted, and to this day has never denied, that he killed someone. There should be no scenario where he walks free. Hopefully, the physical evidence is overwhelming and they will send the dirtball back to prison in short order.

However, I have learned a valuable lesson. (OJ, if you are out there, please listen). If you ever get caught killing someone and there is no way in hell you are going to get away with it, blurt out as loudly as you can, “I did it!” when the police arrive. Say it as loudly and as often as you can. When they tell you to shut up, don’t do it…just keep admitting to it. Once they read you your rights, don’t say another word. Then, plead guilty to the murder and your case will get thrown out for an “illegal” confession. Sure, you will have to go to jail in the interim but you probably won’t have to spend your whole life there.

Of course, I would encourage you not to kill anyone in the first place. I’m just saying that if it is unavoidable, you now have a contingency plan. You are welcome.

Link to story: I wonder where I can find another hooker?#


Does Barry Obama Know Anyone Who Is NOT A Criminal?

December 10, 2008

It just strikes me as odd that Obama knows so many criminals. He is starting to make the Clintons look innocent. I mean, all of us have a story about some person we knew growing up that ended up in jail. But Barry is taking it to a whole…nuther…level.

First, he gets caught hanging out with the mad bomber, Bill Ayers. Then, he has some sort of relationship with Tony Rezko. For years he has been going to Jeremiah “the chickens have come home to roost” Wright’s church. And let’s not forget the illegal Aunt in Massachusetts who he conveniently forgot about.

I mean, how many more skeletons can a person fit into a closet? Well, he now needs to make room for Rod Blagojevich. Rod is the embattled Governor from Illinois with the suspicious looking hair. (If it is real, he should sell it for big money). Seems Rod put up Barry’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. While I personally have no problem with this, it seems it might be slightly illegal.

We already know Barry has done cocaine and still smokes. Oh, and did I mention he is kind of half black? Maybe he is an American or maybe not. Maybe he is a Muslim or maybe not. It doesn’t matter at this point because those ships have sailed. Still, it is just more O’drama for Obama. (you like that?)

You do have to admit that it is remarkable that any man with this kind of baggage could be elected as POTUS. Sure, it helps that he was running against Methuselah and a smoking hot woman that other women were jealous of. But still, considering the crowd he runs with, would it be at all surprising if we find out someday that the election was a scam? Wouldn’t be the first time.

I hope Barry does well as President, we need him to. But don’t be surprised if you hear that Obama and OJ are best friends. Or that he used to visit John Wayne Gacy’s house in Chicago every once in awhile. Or that he has some sort of secret deal with MLB that precludes the Cubbies from every winning a World Series. Who knows what depth his treachery knows.

Now that I think about it, didn’t Oprah start to get fat again AFTER Obama became an Illinois Senator? Coincidence? I think not.


Wow, I Feel So Much Safer With OJ In Jail. Now We Just Need To Nail Robert Blake.

December 6, 2008

Finally, after all of these years, I can now leave my house without fear knowing that this vile, dangerous man is off of the streets. (Actually, I also had to pretty much completely ignore black people as well because I could never be sure if it was OJ in a disguise). Whew…The sun is a little brighter, the air a little cleaner, and the world a better place to be now that Orenthel has been taken out of the picture.

I hope all of you fellow OJ haters feel as good as I do. Sure, I am going to miss seeing Fred Goldman and Denise Brown on TV anytime anything remotely OJ related gets mentioned. I do feel kind of bad for them because I doubt OJ is going to make much cash in prison so whatever they have been getting from him all of these years now goes away. I am sure they will find a job doing something equally valuable to their OJ livelihood.

The good news is now we can focus all of our attention on the other celebrity killer that got away with murder. No, not Robert Wagner. I mean Robert Blake. You remember Robert Blake, don’t you? Here’s a pic:

robert-blake

That’s right, the guy from The Little Rascals and, more famously, Baretta. As you no doubt recall, Bob killed his white, blond haired wife Bonnie Lee Bakley in 2001. Blake was also found “not guilty” in his wife’s murder despite an avalanche of evidence. District Attorney Steve Cooley described the jury as “incredibly stupid”. On the night of his acquittal several fans of Bob celebrated at Blake’s favorite hangout, Vitello’s. However, he was not quite off the hook. Later that year, Blake was found guilty in a civil case filed by Bakley’s three children.

Man, do you remember all of that outrage you felt when Blake was acquitted? Do you remember the “take that you bastard” feeling you had when he lost the civil case? How about every time you see someone from the Bakley family… that sense of sorrow you feel in the pit of your stomach. And the hope against all hopes that one day, some day, Robert Blake will get the sentence he deserved for killing his lovely wife. It is all simmering inside of you isn’t it?

Oh wait, it’s not? Hmm…that seems odd. Let me compare the two again. Rich and famous? Check. Killed white, blond wife? Check. Found not guilty in criminal trial? Check. Found guilty in civil case? Check. What the hell am I missing? Where is the outrage and the, I can’t wait until we nail his a**, fury ? What is the defining difference in the two cases? It should be as obvious to me as black and white. Hey…wait a minute… 

So, for the last time, you racist OJ haters can now keep your collective mouths shut. Until you want to show equal outrage at other celebrity killers who just happen not to be black, you have nothing else to say. OJ is in jail. You are now a whole person again. I have nothing left to say to you but always like to think of the immortal words of Clark Griswold to express my feelings towards the hypocrites out there:

“I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?”


And You Thought OJ Had A Bad Excuse

December 4, 2008

So here is the dilemma. Timothy Havens, 38 is in bed with his estranged wife Carolyn sprawled out next to him. Unfortunately, but importantly, Carolyn has a gun shot wound to the chest and is in critical condition. What in the world should Tim do? (Here is a photo of Mr. Intelligent)

tim

Showing quick wits and the brains of a gopher, Tim calls the police and goes with this version of the story. He and his wife, who has a civil protection order against Tim, were having a sexual tryst that evening. Casually, Tim reached for something on the nightstand and a gun “accidentally” went off striking his wife in the chest.

However much of an idiot you think OJ is, you have to admit Tim is right up there with him. Where to being in this train wreck. First, usually when you have a restraining order taken out on someone you try to keep the sexual romps to a minimum. Next, even assuming having a gun sitting on your nightstand was normal, how does it just “go off” when nudged. Lastly, this bullet must have been shot by one of those people in the movie where they can make bullets curve around people. The physics of such a shot are ridiculously implausible.

Oh, and did I mention that Tim had already served 60 days in jail for previously assaulting her? Yes, quite the ladies man Tim is. Seems the anger management classes he was also ordered to take didn’t really pay off.

Seriously Tim, could you have at least tried a little bit harder? Maybe something like, “Gee officer, my wife called me crying last night. I went over and when I got there, she pulled a gun on me and it went off in the struggle. Then we had sex.” Eh, scratch the last sentence…might not be believable.

Hopefully, Carolyn pulls through her injuries and Tim meets his new roommate in prison soon. At least the good news there is that when Tim has sex in prison, the odds of a gun going off will be significantly reduced. However, he might find the sex to be infinitely less pleasing.


Tina Fey Explains The Scar On Her Face. (Sort Of)

December 1, 2008

First, let me make it clear that I love Tina Fey. Of course, this makes perfect sense since her doppelganger is Sarah Palin. If you love one, I don’t know how you could not love the other. Although Tina is younger, Sarah has that very strong Cougar vibe going for her. 

In this months Vanity Fair, Tina and her husband, come clean on what happened regarding the scar on Tina’s face. Apparantly, a strange man walked up to her one day when she was about 5 years old. He approached her as she was playing alone in her front yard, took out a knife and slashed her face. A terrible tragedy.

It also happens to be the DUMBEST explanation I have ever heard of in my life. Really? That’s the whole story? Did you live in the middle of a crack neighborhood where this kind of thing might make at least a little bit of sense? Was the guy arrested? Did he go around the neighborhood and slice up other children? Please, help me understand how this ridiculous story makes any sense.

For the longest time, Tina refused to tell the story of how her face was scarred. I generally assumed it was a traumatic event probably caused by a family member. It also makes sense that with her current fame, she could no longer avoid the issue without it seeming that she was covering something up. But the “slash and run” theory just seems bizarre to me. Even if it was true, I would have lied and said I fell off of my bike. Much more believable.

In any case, even though she is no Sarah Palin, she has some great pictures in Vanity Fair:

tina-fey

But, Tina, for me to truly lust after you, you have to be honest. I can’t use my Kleenex box on women that I know are deceiving me. That’s why I could never get a tent going in my trousers for Condi Rice. (That, and the fact that she is hideous to look at). So just tell us/me the truth. I will get my man OJ on the case to track down the REAL criminal. (Well, as soon as we pop him out of jail).

Also, one more minor detail. Sometimes it seems like one of your eyes is kind of looking in a different direction than it should be. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, maybe you could get that fixed. Oh, and since you are already going to be anesthetized for that procedure, maybe you could have the doc throw in a couple of DD’s. (Very popular with the men these days). Just some helpful, non-misogynist thoughts. You’re welcome.


Are Alaskans As Stupid As They Seem To Be?

November 19, 2008

And I am asking this question in the nicest way possible. Believe me, I completely understand voting to make Sarah Palin the governor. If I lived in Alaska, I would have voted for her as well. Screw whether Africa is a continent or country…who cares? They are foreigners! We have to look out for our own needs first. Sarah gets this, that’s why she doesn’t spend a second of her time worrying about international crap.

And let’s just be honest. Is there anyone that is more American than Sarah? I think not.

palin-flag

(See more beautiful pics at pullinforpalin.com. I LOVE that site).

So, if I love Sarah, why do I think Alaskans might be stupid? Two words…Ted Stevens. I understand that he has brought Alaska a lot of money over the years and the money he was ‘stealing” was from a private firm. However, he is now a convicted felon! How could half of the state vote for a guy that is going to be a prison bitch? Plus, he makes McCain look like a sexy teenager. Stevens was on LBJ’s staff. You remember LBJ, don’t you? Yeah, he’s the dead guy. Dead a long time ago.

Backing a felon is just not cool. Except for maybe a professional sports hero like OJ Simpson or Michael Vick. I could probably understand supporting those 2 guys. (Both railroaded by the white man). Those who voted for Stevens just end up looking like this guy.

moran 

(And if you don’t get what I was going for, you really need to consider night classes).

So, my dear Eskimo friends, I am just going to assume that you were all drunk on whale blubber when you voted. Or, maybe in some odd way, you were so distraught over losing Sarah that you couldn’t stand the thought of losing Ted at the same time. But please, in the future, no more convicts! (By the way, does Orca still live in Alaska? I haven’t seen him in awhile).


Who Is Kim Kardashian And Why Should I Care?

October 27, 2008

I have seen her name pop up now and then over the last several months but i have no idea who she is. I know she was on “Dancing With The Stars” so, in theory, she should be a star, correct? But a star of what?

With no info on her, I turned to Wiki for help. There, I found out she had a pseudo-famous dad in Robert Kardashian. Still, hardly enough to be a star. Then I read about her sex tape. So what? Who doesn’t have a sex tape? Hell, I have probably over 20 full length feature films.

It seems the most famous thing she has done is have a show titled “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. Were there no other people available to keep up with? What about the 3 girls from Pettycoat Junction? What are they up to these days? Or how about the A Team? I am always wondering about whatever happened to Mr. T. No such luck, I guess.

Anyway, Kim’s dad, (you know, the only actual famous person) died a few years ago. I did read that Bruce Jenner is part of the family but who cares? He was famous for about 20 minutes 30 years ago. Honestly, I just don’t get it. I guess it is cute that she has sisters named Kourtney and Khloe. But Roger Clemens also named his kids with “K’s” so it’s not like it hasn’t been done before. Maybe I am just out of touch but color me unimpressed with the Kardashian klan.

Fake Edit: Hold everything! I also just read that OJ Simpson is Kim’s godfather. Now we are talking. Makes sense since her dad defended OJ and helped him try to find the “real killer”. Now that I know that Kim is almost a blood relative of my man OJ, I think she is great. I may even start watching her show…as long as they don’t show Bruce Jenner. His stretched out face makes me ill. Take a look:

I know Kim is Armenian which I am pretty much sure makes her a terrorist but, if she’s good enough for OJ, she’s good enough for me.


Black Man Carves “B” In White Woman’s Face

October 24, 2008

You have to admit, it made for a pretty cool story while it lasted. Big black guy knocks down poor white girl and carves a “B” in her face. It reminded me of when Charles Stewart said a black guy killed his pregnant wife and then shot him. The Boston Police Dept jacked up every black male in the city. Of course, as we all now know, Chuck is the one that killed his wife.

Just as in the Stewart case, there were all kinds of problem with this story from the minute I heard about it. First of all, here is a picture of the “victim”, Ashley Todd:

As you can see, she is a portly girl. Everyone knows that the brothers love the chunky white girls…they don’t hurt them! Also, she stated that the assailant used a dull knife to cut her face. Who carries a dull knife as a weapon? It’s like carrying plastic bullets for your 38 revolver. Lastly, even if you assume the perpetrator was dyslexic and wrote the “B” backward, it still makes no sense. Again, everyone knows that Obama supporters view him as “The One” and he would have cut an “O” on her cheek. (Plus, it covers the dyslexic issue).

Todd quoted her attacker as saying he was going, “to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter”. Please…what brother in Pittsburgh speaks like that? If it were a true black street thug, he would have said, “I teach yo honkey ass uh lesson fo’ bein’ down wif dat ol foo”. (Or words to that effect). 

So, as someone that has watched CSI for many years, I have looked at the clues. Confident that OJ could not be involved since he is already in the slammer, I quickly deduced that the real attacker was “Joe the Plumber”. That’s right, shocking isn’t it? He is still pissed off about the “he’s not really a plumber” thing and wanted to throw the Obama crowd under the bus. Plus, he is jobless and has all the time in the world on his hands. Also, since he doesn’t have a job, he probably would jack someone up for a measly $60.

Although I have now solved the crime, some of you might want to take a shot at this young woman because she is a McCain supporter. You might be inclined to paint all young Republicans as zealots and lunatics. That would simply not be fair. We are all Gods children and since the day he created the Earth 6000 years ago for man and dinosaurs, we have shared common interests. Like that time when we tried to go to the moon but had to fake it on a movie set. Remember that? Or when they said Kennedy was assassinated but we all knew he was really living in Hawaii (later to be joined by Marilyn Monroe).

I guess my point is that we are all capable of mistakes whether we are Republicans or Democrats and living in a glass house is difficult for everyone due to the exorbinet price of Windex. See what I am saying? Of course you do. 

So next time you see a crazy looking chubby college kid with a backward “B” on her cheek, you give her a hug. She could use it. (Do keep your eyes on her hands, however, in case she is still packing that butter knife). Good night and God bless.