Oil Spill? Big Freakin’ Deal

April 30, 2010

Here we go once again. The Lame Stream Media is going to tell us how the big, bad oil companies have put our wildlife at risk. Birds, fish, beaches, blah, blah, blah. Who fu**ing cares about birds and fish? Sure, oil covered beaches are a drag but all you have to do is go to the other coast. How hard is that?

You people knew that when drilling offshore was allowed decades ago, there would be some small issues like this. Get over it. Do you still want to live in your McMansions and drive SUV’s? Do you still want to crank the heat in the winter or cool your 5000 sq ft home? Well, this is the price you pay.

Stop being a pussy tree hugger and embrace the reality of our world. We need to do more drilling so we can keep up with our consumption. Really, since I live in the Midwest, I could give a crap which ocean or state BP drills in. As long as I have the fuel to leave all of my interior and exterior lights burning 24 hours a day, I am cool with it.

If you grass eaters would have listened to a true American, Sarah Palin, this would likely have never have happened. The oil companies would have invested all of their money in drilling new areas and old rigs, like the piece of junk that broke, would have already been phased out.

But no, now I have to listen to the liberals on CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, NBC, and basically any news outlet not owned by Rupert Murdoch, drone on about this “natural disaster”. Look, we let New Orleans get ruined by a hurricane and completely ignored it, why can’t we do the same here? Brad Pitt can go wash some birds off it if makes him feel better.

In my America, i.e. Sarah Palin’s America, we go big or go home. If that means an “inconvenient truth” happens every now and then, so be it. You are not going to take my guns, my liberty, and my porno stash because Barry Hussein Obama wants to run a socialist, Marxist, Maoist, communist, liberalist, fascist, ridiculous-ist regime. Oh hell no…not on my watch.

When Sarah Palin becomes president in 2011 or ’12, you liberal lipstick-less pig people can get the hell out of our country if you don’t like it. Oh, and take all of those Mexicans with you. I can live without tacos and burritos if that’s what it takes. That’s how committed I am.

God bless Sarah Palin and God bless the United States of America.

Man, I would love to hit that.

30 Months In Jail For Being A Peeping Tom?

March 16, 2010

That was the sentence handed down for the guy that peeped on Erin Andrews. She is the international superstar sideline reporter for ESPN. No, I have never heard of her before this but, apparently, videotaping her nude is a huge no-no. The guy also taped 16 others women but I guess they aren’t superstars.

Seems to me that this is a pretty stiff sentence. I don’t think attempted murderers even get that much time. If I were going to go to jail, I think I would stalk someone more attractive. It should be worth being ganged raped for. Maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt or Ed Asner. Certainly not Erin Andrews.

When I was a young man, I peeped on the old lady next door. (She was maybe 50?) I would stand at the trailer back door which lined up with her trailer back door. She would open the window to vent the bathroom providing me with a perfect line of view. She was in pretty good shape for an old woman but certainly not good enough to get arrested for. In fact, she should have been arrested for making me look at her deflated fun bags. The horror…

I suspect Erin has her job because she is pleasant to look at. So, the very thing she so desperately wants to protect, her body, is why any of us ever heard of her in the first place. The only ugly chick on TV (Rosie doesn’t count) these days is Candy Crowley from CNN. My god, how can such an unpleasant looking woman be named “Candy”. My guess is due to the buckets of candy she probably ate as a kid.

Another celebrity that doesn’t like to be “undressed” by men is Jessica Simpson. The fact that she has implants the size of a Ford truck would seem to contradict her comments but maybe I am just misinformed. Don’t worry Jessica…no one is looking at you compressed into your mom jeans. We are merely admiring your amazing singing ability. Your portrayal of “Daisy Duke” was certainly Oscar worthy…not showing off your assets there, were you?

Look ladies. If you are pleasant to look at, men are going to look at you. They are going to imagine you without clothes and try to estimate just how flexible you are. They are going to imagine doing all kinds of unseemly things to you and make you do things in their minds that would make Larry Flint blush. It is who we are…animals.

Obviously, this gives no man the right to act out on these thoughts, unless of course he has paid for your services or bought you dinner. So, while this guy was no doubt a creep, he was merely fantasizing about a woman that he could never actually have. Put him on a restraining order, have him serve 30 days and get counseling. That should do the trick.

As for Erin, I see that she has decided to take on a low profile and perform on Dancing With The Stars. A sure fire way to make sure men don’t ogle you in skintight outfits. Well, at least not the 2 gay judges. Keep fighting the good fight, Erin. I will not be watching as I don’t have 30 months to give up for looking at you.

(Erin trying not to be ogled by men or showing off her sacred body).

What Kind Of Deal Did Jesus Offer Haiti?

January 15, 2010

First a caveat…I really know nothing about Haiti. I know a little more today due to the endless coverage but I am still fairly clueless about its people or history. As an occasional black man, I guess I should have known more since these are my peeps but I guess you live and learn.

Anyway, I also didn’t know there was a fault line in the area of the world so I was trying to find information out about the cause of the quake. I figured it would be something to do with plates shifting or something like that but I was wrong. In fact, science had little, if anything, to do with the earthquake.

No, it turns out that the earthquake happened because the Haitians made a deal with the devil sometime ago. I was skeptical when I first heard this but two things changed my mind. First, this info came from the genius mind of Pat Robertson. There are few people, if any, in the world that I have more confidence in than Pat. Second, when he relayed the information on his show, he prefaced his comments with, “True story”. That sealed the deal for me.

Of course, this knowledge lead me to another question. How come no one ever makes a deal with Jesus? Every story I have ever heard about a religious icon making a “deal” revolves around Satan. Why is this? Are Jesus’ deals just so terrible that you would turn them down to take Satan’s?

“Hey Jesus. We want to be freed from slavery. What would you charge for such a service?” I don’t know what he answered but they went with the “burn in hell for all eternity” deal from Satan. Jesus must have some really terrible terms on his loans. I know this because everyone takes the Satan deal. I don’t understand.

Another thing. How can people from hundreds of years ago make a deal with my soul? This is really a rhetorical question because it probably works just like our government spending money that our unborn will be required to pay for endless years to come. Still, it seems like kind of a raw deal.

Last item. How exactly does one set up a meeting to sell his or her soul? (Or their nations, as in this case). I would like to sell the souls of some people I know. Well, maybe I won’t sell them but at least I want to establish what I could get for them. Is there a toll-free, 1-800-SATANIC line you call to set up an appointment? Do you need a Ouija board? Is Craigslist somehow involved? I am working diligently to get an answer.

In the interim, if any of you speak to Jesus, ask him why his terms are so terrible. He is losing every deal out there to Satan and doesn’t even seem to really care. Seriously, this guy would be on his final written warning if he worked for me. C’mon J-Man…let’s raise the bar a little.

Female Athlete Has Breast Implants Removed

January 5, 2010

Jana Rawlinson, from Australia, decided to have her implants taken out so that she will be more competitive in the 400m hurdles in the 2012 Olympics. Apparently, she has only had them since 2009 but felt that they were somehow impeding her performance. Here is a pic of Jana with her huge boobs.

Jana makes it clear that she loves her new boobs for which she paid over $10,000 for. She just thinks she owes it to Australia to be at her best in the Olympics and looking like a man will help her. After the games, she suggests that she might have them put back in again.

This is the dumbest thing I have read in at least the last 20 minutes. First of all, her new boobs aren’t even that big so how much impact can they even have? She should have totally gone for DD’s. This way, when she leaned forward to the tape at the end of the race, she would have a clear advantage over all of the flat girls.

Also, what flat chested female Olympian ever became famous? They have to have at least a little something going on. No guy wants to look at that. Remember the famous American female marathoner that competed in something like 3 Olympics? I don’t either. Why? Because she looked like a man.

If you really want to be remembered, do this. Keep your new boobs and, halfway through the race, let them pop out of your shirt and bounce all over the place. I guarantee you that you will be remembered forever. (Or at least 6 months). Like when that American soccer player took off her jersey and only had her sports bra on. Remember her? Me neither…again, no boobage.

Beyond what Jana does or doesn’t do, there is a bigger issue here. Why are large breasted women allowed to be discriminated against in sports? Where is the outcry from the masses? They can’t help they were born that way. Why should they suffer in silence and have to sit on the sidelines?

I propose the “C Cup or Better Olympics”. This would make it fair for big busted gals to participate and I am confidant that the ratings would be a smash. It will be like the Battle of the Network Stars when Wonder Woman was in her Speedo. You remember that? Of course you do. Lynda Carter was the shizzle. And, unlike their no breasted counterparts, the C Cup Olympics will not discriminate. You want to be in? Head to the plastic surgeon and fill ‘em up.

It is tiring for me to have to fight all of these fights but, if that’s what it is going to take to make this a better world, then so be it. Next, I will begin my work on the Fat Bottomed Girls Olympics.

Stop Getting Pregnant In Iraq

December 23, 2009

How many times do female US military members need to be told this message? Apparently, 4 more women have become pregnant while serving in Iraq. How is this possible? I realize that a penis and vagina were probably involved but that is not my point.

My understanding is that there are two types of females allowed in combat zones. The first, and most obvious group, is the lesbian brigade. These “ladies” make excellent soldiers because their innate hatred for men makes them want to kill the enemy all day long.

The second type of woman is the “lipstick” soldier. This woman’s main role is to service her fellow service men. (And occasional lesbian). However, unlike the rest of the free world, they are NOT allowed to use their hoo-hoo’s in a combat zone. There are approximately 76 other ways they can satisfy their male counterparts and this is what they should be doing…at least several times a day.

What really agitates me is that these women suck these poor guys in with their alluring hoo-hoo’s and make them do the deed with them. Then, the guy also gets in trouble for knocking the woman up. What kind of America am I living in? It’s somehow his fault because she didn’t cleanse herself with a shook up Coke can right after intercourse? That’s ridiculous.

Women were specifically allowed in the military to encourage the gays to stay out. It is written in the Constitution. They were supposed to keep the men from getting too tense so they could focus on the job at hand and aim straight. Men that haven’t had sex get all shaky and start spending a ridiculous amount of time trying to have sex with inanimate objects. They also forget what their original mission was.

Please female soldiers of Iraq. Quit forcing men to have sex with you. And if you simply must do it, do it in a way where you can’t get pregnant. Like where you are on top or he is behind you. I am surprised they don’t cover this stuff in basic training.

Guys, if you simply must have regular sex with a female cohort, stick to the large gals. Many times they won’t know that they are pregnant until like 7 months in and, by then, you will be long gone. Sure, little Johnny won’t have a daddy but war is hell.

Lastly, to completely avoid this whole problem, seek out small to medium sized animals. Bigger than a breadbox but smaller than a Toyota. No, not to have sex with you stupid perv but to have as a pet so you can kill time until you come home safe and sound. Every last one of you.

I know some of these ladies are hot but just say no!

Jesus Shoots Santa In Apparent Turf War

December 21, 2009

Well, you knew it was going to eventually happen. You knew that at some point Jesus was going to become sick and tired of Santa stealing all of his thunder over the Christmas holiday.

It seems the two icons crossed paths recently in Nipomo, CA when things turned ugly. I guess words were exchanged and Jesus, without a word of warning, pulled out a double barreled shotgun. The photo below shows the results of the confrontation. (Warning – this is a graphic photo).

Even worse, although you can’t see it in the photo, Jesus also took out Rudolph with a shot to the head and threw his lifeless body across the hood of a nearby pickup truck. Jesus was seen fleeing the scene in a white robe and sandals but his current whereabouts is unknown.

Actually, the photo is a work of “art” put together by Ron Lake. He says he created the piece to denunciate the commercialization of Christmas. Some of Ron’s neighbors are not happy with the gun toting Jesus and dead Santa but, so far, the police say they can’t do anything because it is on private property.

This got me thinking about such a matchup. Personally, due to Santa’s considerable girth, I think he could take Jesus in a one on one free for all. Jesus would definitely have the speed advantage but once Santa got Jesus on the ground, it would be over. Plus, Jesus would almost assuredly play the “God’s my dad” card to make Santa let him up.

I wasn’t feeling very Christmas like lately but this story seems to have helped.

  Jesus pops a cap into Santa’s ass

Tiger Woods Has Banged 2,637 Women

December 8, 2009

Now, can we stop talking about it? When has a pro athlete cheating on his wife become a story worth following? Christ, if the ugliest athlete of all time, Larry Bird, was able to score some strange, what athlete can’t? Who cares?

This would have never even been an issue if white women could learn to keep their mouths shut. What, you don’t think Tiger gets it on with black women, Latino’s, Asians, little people, he-she’s and everything else? Of course he does. The difference is they know how to keep a secret. White women just can’t help but blab all over the place.

And does anyone win in this deal? Well, a few people. First, Tiger’s wife now has enough money to buy an island. That seems like a pretty good deal. No doubt John Daly is off somewhere laughing his fat ass off as he is now no longer the punching bag of the PGA. Even Letterman made out because he only slept with 3 or 4 interns.

The question I keep hearing is, “Why would he cheat?” This is a complicated question but, if I had to guess, I would say it’s because he has a di**. That’s right…Tiger cheated because his penis encouraged him to do so. Clearly, his wife was not meeting his sexual needs so he had to find an outlet somewhere else. The fact that these outlets were the Waffle House, Taco Bell, and 7-11 just makes it that much sadder.

If Mrs. Woods wouldn’t have been so frigid, this would never have happened. I know what you are thinking, “TL, how can you possibly blame the wife?” Simple. When a man has his needs met at home, he doesn’t need to stray. Tiger’s wife is attractive so this isn’t about looks…it’s about results.

When your man wants to Donkey Punch you and you say no, what the hell is he supposed to do? When he needs a Sugary Pirate and his wife says “no”, should he just suffer? Look, if Tiger went and found a mud shark to get busy with, I could understand the outrage. However, these women are semi-attractive pillars of the local fast food community that were just looking for some love. Tiger gave it to them…hard.

Sadly, this story reeks of racism. When a white guy cheats on his wife, like Bill Clinton did, it is quickly forgiven. When OJ allegedly slices someone up, everyone has a fit because he is a black man. Same with Tiger…and Tiger is not even black! He is racially classified as “Obama” or “blasian”.

In support of Tiger, I am going to go out and buy a Buick. Actually, since I can’t actually afford a Buick, I will perform a “Buick maneuver” instead. At least my heart is in the right place. Is yours?

And, no, not even Tiger would do Tina Yothers (photo below):

Seattle Cop Killer Was A Lunatic. What A Surprise.

December 1, 2009

If only there had been some kind of sign. You know…some sort of pattern of behavior that screamed to the authorities, “This guy is a lunatic!” Maybe something like a crime spree in Arkansas that earned him a 108 year sentence. That might be a sign. Or the fact that he violated his parole and was sent back to prison. This isn’t “lunatic” behavior but a trend is developing.

Maybe when he assaulted a police officer and raped a girl and justified it by saying that he had a vision he was Jesus and the Apocalypse was coming soon. That might have raised a few red flags. Or maybe when a psychological evaluation done in October said he was “a risk to public safety”. Apparently, he was not a big enough risk because he walked again.  

Or maybe this paragraph I lifted from the AP could have been a sign:

At the time of his arrest, he allegedly made “religiously-themed comments, told the officer President Obama and Lebron James are his brothers, Oprah (Winfrey) is his sister and referred to himself as ‘the beast,'” according to the evaluation.

All of these things could have pointed to misbehavior at some point in the future. I am pretty sure raping a child in and of itself should prevent you from posting bail with the assistance of Jail Sucks Bail Bonds.

Sadly, for the families of 4 police officers, no single person or organization cared enough to lock this guy up. The finger pointing that is going on is a pathetic effort by all parties involved to cover their collective asses. Personally, I am going to blame Mike Huckabee (aka Huckleberry). Granting clemency because someone is young is not a good enough reason. The judicial system is not in place for any one person to override it unless there is empirical evidence that a mistake has been made.

Not surprisingly, when a police officer came across the suspect, Maurice Clemmons, he fired first and asked questions later. Was there any scenario where this situation was not going to end like this? So, thanks to do-gooder Huckleberry and any number of other people, the guy they were trying to “treat fairly” ends up dead anyway. Everyone loses in this deal.

While I have a soft spot for crazy people, like myself, the ability to play the crazy card goes away when you are involved in criminal behavior. Even Gotham City at least tried to keep the Joker in an asylum. Our judicial system simply needs to do a better job.

When Barry Obama explains why we need to spend several billions more to continue the “war” in Afghanistan, think about how that money could be partially used to decrease jail overcrowding and provide mental help to the other lunatics walking the street. While I guess I am concerned about someone calling a Jihad on me, I am much more concerned about people like Maurice Clemmons walking the streets. (And while I am at it…all Christians should be eliminated because Clemmons was a Christian. If the Muslims need to be eliminated for killing folks then, by God, so should the Jesus lovers).

I will now step off of my soapbox so the Huckleberry love fest can begin.

Cop killer did it for Jesus…probably

PS: Sorry for my lack of comments here and at your cribs. Crazy busy this time of year. Fu**ing elves are completely useless.

8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

November 28, 2009

1 – There were not nearly as many black people out on Black Friday as I thought there would be. In fact, it looked like a Sarah Palin convention. As an occasional black man, I was pretty uncomfortable with all of the whiteys around me.

2 – There is no way that Tiger Woods is any more than, say, 10 percent black. He let his skinny, white wife beat the crap out of him. OJ would have never let that happen. A true brother knows how to keep his woman in check. Turn in your NAACP card, Tiger.

3 – Barry Obama needs to put the crack pipe down. If you really think that 30,000 more troops is going to end a holy war, you are just like Dubya except you dress better and can pronounce nuclear. You are supposed to be bringing troops home, not sending more to be killed.   

4 – People still seem kind of worked up about Adam Lambert kissing another dude. This is what talentless people do…they try to shock you into paying attention. He is just pursuing the Madonna game plan. A real rock star, like Jim Morrison, would have whipped his thing out and started slapping the people in the first row in the head with it.

5 – Jesus has been located again. This time on the hot side of an iron. Jesus is continuously showing up in stupid places. On a Dorito, cheese sandwich, on a window, and the list goes on and on. Jesus is one seriously bored dude.

6 – I just finished watching “The Trials of Ted Haggard”. It shows the hardships he and his family have endured since being thrown out of his church. It makes you almost feel sorry for him…almost. Once again, religion turns on one of its own. Of course, only after he made the church popular and incredibly wealthy. Maybe Ted and Jim Bakker can hook up. (Jim learned quite a few tricks in prison). Sure, they can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch but there are plenty of other moves.

7 – Lou Dobbs is considering running for POTUS. He is confident that birthers and Mexican haters can give him the votes he needs. Good luck with that, Lou. Maybe you can get Larry King to run with you on the “All Dentures” ticket.

8 – Bob Dylan is still the shizzle. Here is a new Christmas tune from The Master.

Need $50k? Flip Off A Cop In Pittsburgh

November 24, 2009

David Hackbart is about to walk away with a cool $50,000 once it is approved by the Pittsburgh City Council. How did he get so lucky? Simple…he flipped off a cop and was issued a citation for obscene conduct under the disorderly conduct statute.

Within the blink of an eye, the American Civil Liberties Union swooped in and claimed that flipping someone off is protected under free speech. A federal judge agreed with the ACLU and rescinded the citation. The judge agreed that flipping a cop off, while distasteful, is not against the law.

So, all of you Christmas shoppers out there that are a little short of cash, here is a chance to ride the gravy train. Get out there and start flipping off every cop you see. Use both hands if you want to get some extra money. Granted, there is a slight chance you will take a beat down or get Tased, especially in Philly, but that seems like a small price to pay.

Another way to get more money would be to poop in the back of the police car. Pooping is a God given right and if you can’t hold it, you can’t hold it. Again, there may be some short term ramifications for this behavior, a definite ass kicking, but think of the nice things you will be able to buy.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to give thanks to the ACLU for protecting all of the douche monkeys of the world. Thanks for protecting the Westboro Baptist Church. You know them, the good folks that go around with signs that say “God Hates Fags”, “Thank God For Dead Soldiers”, and “Thank God for 9/11”. A true Christian group if there ever was one.

Thanks for letting prisoners have pen pals in Florida. Thanks for protecting e-mail spam by calling it free speech. And thanks for making libraries give people access to porn sites. Oh, and before I forget, thanks for making hundreds of thousands of dollars by suing state buildings that had the audacity of posting the 10 Commandments. It wasn’t enough to simply have them remove it. No, you also needed to be compensated to the tune of over half a million dollars. The taxpayers that footed that bill say thank you!

I hope the taxpayers of Pittsburgh realize that the $50k they are about to shell out is money well spent. They should all send the ACLU a basket of fruit and a thank you note. Congrats Pittsburgh on your new found, finger flipping freedom.