Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

January 27, 2012

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL

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Marilyn Chambers Has Gone To The Great Porn Site In The Sky (NSFS)

April 13, 2009

While you may think to yourself, “Who cares about some old porn star?”, let me fill you in on some facts. First, anyone that dies at 56 is simply too young. Second, for the love of Pete, they found her body at her home…which was a trailer! How does the greatest thing to ever happen to porn movies end up living in a trailer? C’mon God. Wasn’t it bad enough that you made her do Ron Jeremy several times?

Anyway, that’s not why you should care about her. You should care about her because, before her, women in porno films were just horrible to look at. They had pimples everywhere and they didn’t tend to the front, or back, of their gardens. The shrubbery was wildly out of control. Marilyn was the first one to whack the hedges down to a reasonable amount.

Plus, she truly was an attractive woman. Any guy would be proud to bring her home to his family (minus the fact that she had more than enough wood in her over the years to build two arks). Still, she looked like the girl next door with a fit body and modest chest which was not the norm…even back then. Here is another display of my fine Photoshop skills.

marilyn-chambers

Did I not tell you how awesome looking she was? If you think back to the other porn stars of that era, they were talented but sure hard to look at. Marilyn was the real deal.

Now, not everything she did was awesome. In “Behind the Green Door”, the movie that made her famous, she got her freak on with a black dude. In the 1970’s, this did not go over so well in certain places. Myself, being an occasional black man, I had no problem with the brother hitting whitey. No, my problem is that for virtually the entire movie, she just lies on her back while others attend to her needs.

Sadly, this is apparently how the vast majority of women have learned to have sex. They all saw the video of Marilyn and decided, “Hmm…this must be all I have to do”. For this, I cannot forgive Marilyn. We have had a generation of “flat on my back” fornicators and it is just not right. Hopefully, the next generation will not repeat the mistakes of their elders.

Anyway, I am sorry to see Marilyn gone. She served mankind well but she still looked like quite a MILF. Not bad at 56…not bad at all. Here is a tip of my apple scented lubricant for you, Marilyn. Tell John Holmes I have been keeping the swordsman legacy alive.


McCain Or Obama: Which Yard Sign Should I Believe?

October 20, 2008

Recently, I have seen more and more McCain/Palin and Obama/Biden signs going up in my neighborhood. What is the purpose of this effort? Are these homeowners trying to tell me who they are voting for? Under what possible scenario would I possibly give a crap about who someone else is voting for? Maybe it is supposed to work like this:

Me driving home – “Cause ya got to have faith – a – faith – a – faith”. God, if I was gay, I would definitely do George Michael. Hmm…look! Bob put a sign out that he is voting for McCain! I was going to vote for Obama but Bob is way smarter than me so I guess I will vote for McCain now. Thanks Bob!

Pretty ridiculous, eh? That whole paragraph is all just so much bull pucky. Here’s what I really would have been thinking.   

Me driving home – “Cause ya got to have faith – a – faith – a – faith”. God, if I was gay, I would definitely do George Michael. (Ok, this part was true). Hmm…look! Bob put a sign out that he is voting for McCain! What a vain, pompous ass Bob is. Who the fu** cares who is voting for? That guy is 2 IQ points away from being officially retarded. I bet McCain would be so pleased to see he is getting support from such a douche bag.”

That’s right, read my lips, I don’t care who you are voting for. Just like I already told you that I don’t care about your bumper stickers, I also don’t care about your lawn ornaments. If anything, it tells me who notto vote for since I know who all of the idiots in my neighborhood are. (Ok, I don’t really know any of my neighbors because I am anti-social but, if I did, I bet I could tell who the idiots are).

Look, I understand if you have a sign in your lawn for a Selectman, that just happens to be your 2nd cousin, that no one has ever heard of. I get that. But McCain / Obama? No thanks, I have a pretty good clue as to who they are and I don’t give a flying fig about who you support. I do appreciate that you think so little of me that you actually thought that a piece of cardboard with a name on it could sway my vote but it’s just not happening.

Keep your opinions to yourself…like I do.

Vote Sarah Palin / Susan Sarandon – The MILF, GILF, PILF and VPILF ticket.


Hey! Sarah Palin Isn’t The Only Babe. What About The Dems?

October 13, 2008

I was sent an e-mail this weekend suggesting that maybe i was showing the Republican ladies a little too much love. (Thanks BD). The gist of the message was that the Democrats also have some very attractive women on their side of the aisle as well. Fair enough.

Here, in a completely unbiased comparison, we will look at some Republican and Democratic ladies. Obviously, when it comes to Republican women, Sarah and Cindy are at the top of the list.

 

Granted, these two might be perceived as “hot”. But, to be fair, let’s show some equal love to the Dems. Here our a few of the contenders:

  

Hey now! Who says that all of the beauty resides on the Republican side? And here is my all time personal favorite:

Mmmm…Janet Reno. If you are a man and are not chopping wood, you need to see a doctor.

So, as you can see, the Democrats are equally represented when it comes to natural beauty. I am not sure but I believe Ms. Albright was also in several beauty contests and regularly won the “most likely to wear a wig” category. Something I am sure she is still very proud of to this day.

So, to my Democratic friends, my apologies for ignoring these handsome ladies. Obviously, they don’t need me to support them because their beauty is the stuff that inspires artists around the world. Sure, Sarah is what men would refer to as a 5 star MILf / VPILF. However, Hillary and Janet would not be ignored by us guys…they would be referred to as “2 baggers”. (Actually, Janet would deserve the very rare “3 bagger” title). If you are not familiar with these titles, trust me, they are good!

I hope you can see I have been fair and balanced in my comparison. Why? Because I am now, and will always be, a people person.

NSFS!!! (I am heading off to the bathroom with my Janet Reno photo album now. Have a nice day).


Why Do Rich People Drive While Impaired?

September 29, 2008

And yet another celebrity gets busted for driving under the influence. This time, it was Heather Locklear. (By the way, doesn’t Heather look great in her mug shot, even with the raccoon eyes? She just turned 47. Talk about a MILF). I don’t know for sure but I bet that Heather is loaded with cash. Which begs the question, “Why the hell are you driving?”

I just don’t get it. I don’t even like driving while sober. You can rest assured that if I had the cash, I would have someone drive me anywhere I needed to go. Need to hit Taco Bell? Get the driver. This seems like a really easy solution to a never ending problem yet, for some reason, it doesn’t happen.

You might think, “well, if they are impaired, that is why they show poor judgement.” True, but the other thing that rich folks have is an “assistant”. You know, the gofer that meets every whim they have. Need some Chunky Monkey at 4 in the morning? Have the assistant do it. So, in my mind, if the assistant is worth a damn, they will prevent the stupidity from happening.

I do understand that a complete nut ball like Mel Gibson just can’t be stopped. Even if you tried to stop him, you would have to listen to his “I hate the Jews” speech and who wants to put up with that…again? But Heather Locklear? She seems so nice. Plus, she used to be a cop on TJ Hooker so she knows the law better than the average citizen. (By the way, if all cops looked like Heather Locklear, the streets would be full of criminals and drunk drivers). Hell, William Shatner is a way bigger drunk and you don’t see him driving around.

I guess the fact that Heather is still alive at 47 after having dated Tom Cruise and Scott Baio is quite the accomplishment in and of itself. (Tommy Lee probably didn’t help the cause either). I just don’t understand why she doesn’t have a chauffeur to drive her around. I have no beef if she wants to load up on Percocet or Darvon and cruise around…Just don’t get behind the wheel.

And you professional athletes, same goes for you and strippers. Stop going to the clubs! Rent a floor at a hotel and have your fun there. You know you are going to get shot, beat or stabbed when you leave the club so why bother? Only Mike Tyson should be hitting the clubs anymore. Everyone knows he is crazy and broke so no one will bother him. He is the new Leon Spinks. (I always loved Leon).

Worst case scenario, call me and I will drive you around. I can’t promise I won’t forget to pick you up because my memory isn’t as good as it used to be. But who cares? I will have your car so you won’t be able to get in trouble anyway. (This offer does not apply to Mel Gibson, Carrot Top or Paris Hilton. I don’t want to sit on her seats… Ewwww)