I Would Like A Big Mac With A Nickel Bag

February 24, 2009

Small business entrepreneurs pay attention. Douglas Brice has come up with a great way to supplement your fast food pay. Simply sell marijuana at the drive through as people collect their food. How simple is that?

Unfortunately, some idiot snitched on Doug to the po-po and they busted him when he sold them some weed from the McDonalds drive thru. Clearly, the snitch was just mad because he/she didn’t think of it first. It is a simple yet brilliant idea. I am sure it happens all of the time but I just don’t get out much.

So, in an effort to provide some decent undercover journalism, I went to my local Wendy’s at lunch today to buy some of the demon weed. (I left McDonald’s alone because I don’t want to pile on). Here is what happened: 

Voice in box (VIB): Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I would like a number four with a diet coke. Oh, and throw in a dime bag of your best weed.

VIB: A number 4 with a diet. What was the rest of your order?

Me: Some pot…you know, Maryjane, ganja.

VIB: Sir, I don’t understand what you are saying.

Me: Does anyone in there listen to The Dead or Bob Marley? I need some herb!

VIB: Do you mean our herb chicken sandwich?

Me: No! I need some Rasta, mon!

VIB: Pasta? Sir, we don’t have pasta.

At that moment, the police officer in the car behind me laid on his horn and I bailed. The thrill of the “almost” chase reminded of watching the OJ chase. I then proceeded over to Arby’s because this attempt to score had made me very hungry.

Since the drugs at the fast food idea has been taken, I need to come up with something new. What about bodily organs? You could say kidney, heart, liver, etc. and it still kind of sounds like food. “Yes sir, one young kidney to go. That will be $12,000. Please pull up to the first window”. (Voice screaming inside…”Paco! We are running low on kidneys. You need to restock”. To which Paco replies, “Si”.

I love the way people always think of new and better ways to generate commerce. THIS is the kind of stuff that makes me proud to be an American. This blunt is for you Douglas Brice. May your star continue to shine bright!

“I Don’t Care”

July 9, 2008

This is how every conversation involving fast food goes in our house:

Gofer: Hey, I am on my way home. Do you want me to pick something up for dinner?

Me: Sure

Gofer: What do you want?

Me: I don’t know. What do you want?

Gofer: I Don’t Care. Pick someplace.

Me: Ok. How about Burger King?

Gofer: I hate Burger King.

Me: Ok. Then how about McDonald’s?

Gofer: I am sick of McDonald’s.

(You see the problem here? For someone that said I Don’t Care you sure seem to care considering you keep rejecting every place I suggest).

10 minutes later…

Gofer: Why don’t we get Hardee’s?

Me: Why do you insist on diminishing the remaining moments I have on earth with this silliness?

I am sure several of you are thinking, “you could avoid all of this if you would just tell the gofer what you want in the first place”. While that is true, a true gentlemen always defers.

The defense rests its case.

Fast Food

July 8, 2008

For the love of God, could you please have a clue as to what you want to order when you go through the drive through? There are maybe 10 numbered choices for most fast food joints and 1 through 7 haven’t changed in 20 years. A number 2 at McDonald’s is still 2 cheeseburgers. It is really not that complicated.

Even so, here is yesterday’s drive through conversation by the person in front of me:

Voice: Can I help you?

Idiot: Umm…hold on a minute…Do you do baked potato’s like Wendy’s?

Voice: No, I am sorry we don’t.

Idiot: Ok. Then I will have a bacon cheeseburger. (There’s a bit of a non sequitur)

Voice: Anything else with that?

Idiot: What comes on it? I don’t want pickles on mine.

That was all that I heard since, at that point, I rolled up my window and gripped my steering wheel hard in an attempt to stop myself from ramming her car and, with any luck, knocking her empty head through the windshield. (Possibly I was over reacting).

I am begging you. If you don’t know what you want or have never been to a fast food place before, please just go inside. Fast food is not meant to be an oxymoron. The drive through really is designed to get people on their way as quickly as possible. If you refuse to follow my advice, I am not sure how much longer I can be held accountable for my behavior.