I Would Like A Big Mac With A Nickel Bag

February 24, 2009

Small business entrepreneurs pay attention. Douglas Brice has come up with a great way to supplement your fast food pay. Simply sell marijuana at the drive through as people collect their food. How simple is that?

Unfortunately, some idiot snitched on Doug to the po-po and they busted him when he sold them some weed from the McDonalds drive thru. Clearly, the snitch was just mad because he/she didn’t think of it first. It is a simple yet brilliant idea. I am sure it happens all of the time but I just don’t get out much.

So, in an effort to provide some decent undercover journalism, I went to my local Wendy’s at lunch today to buy some of the demon weed. (I left McDonald’s alone because I don’t want to pile on). Here is what happened: 

Voice in box (VIB): Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I would like a number four with a diet coke. Oh, and throw in a dime bag of your best weed.

VIB: A number 4 with a diet. What was the rest of your order?

Me: Some pot…you know, Maryjane, ganja.

VIB: Sir, I don’t understand what you are saying.

Me: Does anyone in there listen to The Dead or Bob Marley? I need some herb!

VIB: Do you mean our herb chicken sandwich?

Me: No! I need some Rasta, mon!

VIB: Pasta? Sir, we don’t have pasta.

At that moment, the police officer in the car behind me laid on his horn and I bailed. The thrill of the “almost” chase reminded of watching the OJ chase. I then proceeded over to Arby’s because this attempt to score had made me very hungry.

Since the drugs at the fast food idea has been taken, I need to come up with something new. What about bodily organs? You could say kidney, heart, liver, etc. and it still kind of sounds like food. “Yes sir, one young kidney to go. That will be $12,000. Please pull up to the first window”. (Voice screaming inside…”Paco! We are running low on kidneys. You need to restock”. To which Paco replies, “Si”.

I love the way people always think of new and better ways to generate commerce. THIS is the kind of stuff that makes me proud to be an American. This blunt is for you Douglas Brice. May your star continue to shine bright!

Miss Teen Louisiana Is A Food Thief

October 21, 2008

That’s right. Lindsey Evans, the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana, tried to run out on a restaurant tab that she and her hell raising friends ran up at a posh Bossier City eatery. The 4 young people purposely ran up a ridiculous tab of $46.07 then took off. (What the hell, how many bottles of Courvoisier were they downing?)

The would be thieves would have been able to pull off this major heist if not for one tiny problem. Beautiful Lindsey accidentally left her purse behind at the table. Unfortunately, the purse not only contained her license but also a bag of weed. Turns out Miss Louisiana is a stoner as well as a food thief. (This actually makes sense as the two usually run hand in hand).

When Lindsey returned to the restaurant to retrieve her purse, the police were waiting for her. Her three accomplices, apparently also just as intelligent as Lindsey, came rolling into the restaurant parking lot with her and were charged with a variety of crimes as well.

To her credit, in spite of her misfortune, Lindsey took a fine mug shot. I credit this to her years of pageant training.

Frankly, Lindsey’s bad fortune is good publicity for Louisiana. Who knew that they had any attractive women down there in Bayou country? She has all of her teeth and seems to have a reasonably correct height to weight ratio. Sure, her IQ is still in short bus territory but you can’t have everything.

This Buds for you Lindsey! (Please be sure to pay for it using your fake ID before you leave the premises).

By the way. Don’t confuse Miss Teen Louisiana with Miss Teen South Carolina although they may share a similar intelligence pattern.