Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio…

May 27, 2010

Update: A tip of my gin and juice for Gary Coleman. I thought for sure Todd Bridges would beat him to the grave.

I have been asked this question a lot lately. Well, not about Joe D but about me. Where have I gone? Was I depressed? Incarcerated? Abducted by aliens and anally probed yet again? The answer is yes to all of the above plus other reasons.

I have talked about being depressed before but, for some reason, I fell into a pretty dark place a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why. It just engulfed me like a large, wet coat that I could not get out of. There was a brief moment where I wondered if this was what a nervous breakdown felt like or maybe I was destined for a loony bin somewhere. I just wanted to cry and could not climb out of a very deep hole. The fact that I could not seem to control my emotions and mood was very unnerving.

Fortunately, over time, I climbed my way out of the pit but I do worry sometimes that this doom and gloom might rear its ugly head again. This depression really has a negative impact on my awesomeness and that is a problem. Even my stalkers threatened to leave me for Gary Coleman if I didn’t pull it together. So, that was a big part of the reason I vanished.

As for the incarceration and aliens, I don’t want to talk about it. I will just say this. When I pass gas, you can’t hear it anymore. Try making an O shape with your mouth and see how much noise you can make by blowing through it. Now you see my dilemma. Don’t even get me started about the leakage. I can never sit in a cloth chair again.

I have also been busy working at Hooters. With the new weight enforcement, I have had to really buckle down on what I eat. Plus, you have no idea how long it takes to shave my body and tuck myself so that I don’t “show” in my short shorts. As an occasional black man, I have to be careful not to knock on my own back door when I am pushing my Mandingo backwards. It’s not easy being me.

Lastly, I just ran out of new things to say. When I crossed the 400 post mark, I had said pretty much everything I needed to say. Honestly, what subject have I not covered? When you have already tapped the midget and Eskimo’s reservoir, the well is running dry. I needed some time so I could forget what I had written previously so I could write it all over again. Have I said much lately about Sarah Palin? I really need to expound on my affection for her.

In the end, I will never be nearly as prolific as I used to be. However, I hope that I still have something to say on occasion. I would also like to take this time to thank those of you that have stuck it out with me. Sure, you life is sad and lonely because you live in a basement that smells like cat piss, but I love you. Never forget that. Until the next time, I bid you adieu. TL


Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License

October 16, 2009

Well it’s about damned time! Finally, someone out there shows some common sense about mixed race relationships. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, LA refused to issue a marriage license to a black man and white woman. His primary reason for doing so was because he believes offspring form these couples “suffer” in today’s society. 

Now before you go all tree hugger and label Keith a racist, take a minute to learn his position on people of color in general. First of all, he states that he has “piles and piles of black friends”. Does that sound like something a racist would say? Do YOU have piles and piles of black friends? Didn’t think so. He also says that he allows black people in his home and allows them to use his bathroom. When is the last time you let a black man pee in your toilet? Granted, Keith will still not let the blacks use his pool and they have to drink from the garden hose in the back yard but, other than those things, it’s all good. 

As far as his charge that mixed race kids are suffering, I will just have to take his word for it. I seriously doubt he would just lie about such a thing. However, this is not the only group of people suffering from these hybrid children. Have you stopped for even a moment to consider how confusing this is becoming to our racist population? There was a time when they could tell whether you were black or white from just peeking out of the trailer window 30 feet away. Now you almost have to get right up on people to figure out whether you are supposed to hate them or not. 

Halle Berry

See what I mean? How is an avowed racist supposed to hate Halle Barry when she has so many awesome white features? This may very well be leading to the significant decline in race hating groups in America. Can you imagine an America without racism? That’s one of our oldest traditions. You might as well kill all of the bald eagles and never serve apple pie again. 

Here’s another problem. Do you remember when it was ok to be a proud, black man? Black men were virile and almost all of them could run the 100 meters in under 11 seconds. Plus, their penises were truly magnificent. (If you can’t remember this, rent Mandingo). Anyway, now that the white man’s limp, tiny penis blood is being mixed in, all of those good traits are going away. For Christ’s sake, Morgan Freeman has freckles! How far has the black man fallen? 

So congrats to you Keith for trying to keep it real and keeping the “real” America alive. If God wanted black mixed with white he would have made Mexico. (He didn’t…Satan did). Now if you will excuse me, I need to go iron my confederate flag and work on the underpinning of my mobile home.


And You Thought Obama Wasn’t A Muslim…

December 29, 2008

You silly, silly white people. How many clues did he have to throw your way? You had a color photo of him in his full Muslim outfit yet believed it was just a “photo op” in a foreign land. You have his “the chickens have come home to roost”, bat sh** minister he has been seeing forever yet convinced yourself “he didn’t know”. Finally, you completely ignored his middle name, Hussein. You said to yourself, “I think that is really just because his dad is African”.

What a bunch of dumb crackers. He may have fooled all of you, but he never fooled me. He of the big, toothy grin that makes women go all Mandingo weak in their knees. Here is the proof you have been waiting for.

USA-OBAMA/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s right. Your president-elect is boldly wearing his taqiyah cap in public these days. As if to say, “What are you going to do about it, beeyatch?” (I do have to admit, however, he does look cut in his nice Nike t-shirt). He is not even the POTUS yet and already he is rubbing your nose in it!

My God, we have been duped like never before. (Ok, that’s not really true since Dubya was actually re-elected. Still, you see my point). This smooth talker completely fooled a nation. What’s next? We have already seen that the rest of the world bows at this guys large feet. With this kind of power, who knows what he will be able to accomplish?

You like your bacon? Say goodbye to it. Beer or any other type of alcohol? That’s also a no-no. How about a nice donkey sandwich? Kiss it goodbye as well. (Actually, I can live with that one). My point is McDonalds will now be serving halal chicken nuggets. You think I am kidding? Head to Dearborn, MI and see what’s on the local McDonalds menu already. Don’t get me wrong, I like chicken but a brother must have some ribs!

So now that the genie is out of the bottle, we will have to live with Hussein for the next 4 years. If you are a guy, you might as well start growing a beard and buy your first taqiyah. Ladies, get that “wrap a scarf around your head” look going. My, how quickly things have changed.  Do you remember the good old days when you used to worry about Mexicans taking over the country? By the time Hussein is done, you will be begging for a taco.

And by the way, would it really be so horrible if this was your new boss?

salma

 Didn’t think so…