Why Do Churches Kick Their Own People Out?

November 4, 2011

As many of you know, I am not a big fan of religion. The whole, “My God is better than your God” mantra is beyond silly. Every group seems to be the “chosen people”. If there is a God, I just don’t see why he would establish a bunch of teams to compete against each other. Seems counter productive to me.

Anyway, a family member recently told me a story about a young woman who belonged to her church. She told me the story because she felt what happened was wrong but also felt powerless to confront the church’s hierarchy. (And really, who wants to go to a church where you are actually allowed to dissent?)

In a nutshell, the young woman had no job and was on welfare. At some point, she stopped tithing 10% of her welfare check to the church. First of all, are you even supposed to tithe welfare money? It’s not like you worked for it. It feels like you are involving God in some kind of money laundering scheme. In the eyes of the church, she absolutely was still required to give the 10%. In fact, they told her if she did not, she would be excommunicated from the church. She said she simply couldn’t afford it and they kicked her out. She is now, I suppose, just a regular old heathen like me.

I must admit that I was surprised to hear this story. I thought Jesus loved poor people, hookers, and sick leopards. I can’t imagine a scenario where Jesus would kick one of his followers out for not ponying up some cash. Just doesn’t seem like a very Christian thing to do, does it? But, since this was just a one-off story, I didn’t think too much more about it.

Then I came across this letter on-line:

This person got kicked out of church for poor attendance! Again, I didn’t even know such a thing was possible. The best part, however, is not only is this person being thrown out, they are being sent directly to Satan! I don’t know all of the rules of religion but this seems like a slightly harsh sentence, no? If this is truly a rule, Hell must be overrun with people. Who has perfect attendance at church except your Auntie and Grandma?

I also enjoyed the caveat at the end of the letter. If you choose to give up your whoring life, contact us and we will call Jesus to get things straightened out. Jesus, Pastor Shady, your just a bit of a control freak, aren’t you? I am pretty sure that there is more than one way to find God than through the Cornerstone Church.

Church people of the world, please stop turning on your own peeps. When they are down, that’s when they need you most. Not to lecture them or give them to Satan but to help them through whatever troubles they are enduring. If Jesus was willing to help the poor, the hookers, and the sick leopards, I am sure you can see your way to forgiving a late payer or someone with poor attendance. At least give it a shot. Amen.


TSA Saves Us From 6 Year Old Bomber

April 12, 2011

I watched a documentary last night that basically called into question the value of the TSA. It talked about the massive money spent and the gradual infringement on our freedom. The bottom line question was, is it all worth it? This video assured me that it is.

While many of you may see a small, innocent child, the TSA saw something much more nefarious. That’s right…possibly the world’s youngest terrorist. Don’t be fooled by her cute little animal shirt or tiny little body. Look into her eyes and you will see much, much more. The cold, soulless eyes of an experienced assassin. Was she going to use her martial arts training to overpower the flight attendants and then cry at the cockpit door until the unsuspecting pilot opened it only to have his eyes poked out by this warrior ninja?

Was she hiding a bomb under her giant belly? Or maybe she had a 10″ shiv jammed down her Underoos. Or maybe she is just a drug mule and swallowed copious amounts of heroin to sneak into Disneyland. Thankfully, we will never know because the good folks at the TSA brought her down before she could implement her devious plan. My hope is that they also did a thorough cavity search because, well, you just never know with a 6-year-old.

Now, you might be wondering why this little Jihadist Jennifer’s parents would allow their daughter to be shook down. Like the dad says in the video, “They’re just doing their job”. See? When someone is “just doing their job”, you have no power to stop it. The fact that a complete stranger is reaching inside your 6-year-old daughters underwear is completely understandable because they are “just doing their job”. Great job mom and dad. Way to show your kid that, when it comes to adult authority, there is no room to question. Being a good parent and American today means also being an outstanding lemming. I wish the TSA agent had stuck her wand up dad’s ass so we could hear him whimper meekly, “they’re just doing their job. And, hey, that feels kind of good”.

Like Juan Williams who said he gets nervous when he sees people in “Muslim garb” at the airport, I get nervous when I see little kids. I am convinced that some of these kids are Middle East anchor babies and are going to bring this country to its knees. Think they won’t do it? Watch “Children of the Corn”, The Exorcist, or The Omen”. All movies where the children turn into little Al Qaeda wannabes. (By the way, who knew that Linda Blair would turn into such a hottie after being such an ugly kid?)

Thank you TSA for making this great country safe. Keep your eyes open for the old folks with oxygen tanks too. Who knows what they really have in those tanks. And people with colostomy bags…enough juice in that bag to bring down a plane for sure. There are plenty of other people you should watch (midget’s, Eskimo’s, politicians, and all non-white people for example) but I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. You guys and gals rock! TL

(No wonder the devil was all up in her business).

Since When Is An Exorcism Illegal?

April 15, 2009

Eddie Uyesugi was in court today after being charged with battery and criminal confinement. How did he earn these charges? Simply by performing a much needed exorcism. Here is what happened.

Mary Lou Raby’s 16 year old grandson, who she has custody of, is autistic… or is he? Mary Lou became convinced that maybe the young man was struggling more from being possessed than being autistic. So, she sought out a Eddie who she knew from various odd jobs he had done for her. Between the two of them, they decided that Eddie, who is very religious, would be the perfect person to perform an exorcism.

To me, this makes perfect sense. I love pro football so I just know that one day a pro team will recognize my potential and make me their head coach. (It won’t be long now!). In the same vein, Eddie was ready and willing to knock this demon out of the boy. And knock the demon he did. Sure, he said stuff like, “get out demon”, but that’s not really impressive. As anyone that has seen The Exorcist knows, you have to make the possessed person puke. So, Eddie rammed his fingers down the boys throat so he did just that.

Sadly, that didn’t work. So, in frustration I guess, he decided to just beat the crap out of the guy. For hours, Eddie kept the boy tied up and slapped him, punched him, and said real religious stuff like, “get out demon!”. At some point, possibly when the bruises, blood and swelling became excessive, Mary Lou called it off. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea after all. She hid her short bus grandson for two weeks while the wounds healed. How very Jesus-like of her.

My biggest problem with this is the way that they went about the exorcism. You must have holy water if you want to have a shot in hell to make this work. Plus, you are supposed to say, “The power of Christ compels you” at least 30 times if you want the demon to come out.  This guy was a stone amateur and I am sure that Satan laughed the whole time he was trying to pry him out of the retarded kid. (Although, to Eddie’s credit, he did speak in tongues which was a good effort on his part).

Once again, the majesty of God shines through in the cruelty of one human being towards another. Do you ever see atheists beating the crap out of each other to chase demons away? Didn’t think so. Could we please stop with all of the silly rituals and superstitions? You want to believe in a higher power? I get that. You want to follow a bunch of MAN made rules in the name of the higher power? You completely lost me.

Excuse me now. I need to let Jenny McCarthy know that her kid isn’t autistic…he’s a demon. She’s not gonna be happy.