Am I Gay If I Still Love Freddie Mercury?

March 15, 2009

I must admit…I am sitting here on another Sunday morning listening to Fred sing about a variety of subjects. Of course, I have heard all of these songs many, many times over the years so there is really nothing new to be heard. Still, I keep coming back for more after 25 years of listening to Queen. I have love for Brian and Roger too (not so much for John) but Freddie is the man. Albeit a gay man.

So, maybe I have some sort of recessed gay gene in me that attracts me to the music. Granted, I don’t much care for other gay singers so I might just as likely be fascinated by his ginormous teeth or porn stache (which I have already admitted having a fascination with although I no longer wear one). I shouldn’t be troubled by this love for Queen music but, somehow I am.

Do you remember when you found out that Billy Squier was gay? Do you remember how dirty you felt after singing “The Stroke” thousands of time without knowing what he really meant? For those of you too young to remember, let me rewind the clock a little. Billy came out of Boston with a great pop rock sound. He was writing rock anthem after rock anthem and then “the video” came out. Oh…my…God. It even made Clay Aiken and Boy George blush. Here it is:

(You are probably going to need to take a shower to wash the gay off of you. Go ahead….I’ll wait.)

So, if other gay artists are not my cup of tea, why am I so fascinated by Freddie? The easy answer is his tremendous talent but that doesn’t quite fill the bill. I love Tom Petty, James Taylor and Lemmy from Motörhead but am not obsessed with those guys. I will tell you a secret, just between you and I. When Fred died all those years ago my eyes filled with tears. (This from a man who is frequently questioned about whether or not I actually have tear ducts). When Ben Orr from The Cars or other rock and roll stars die, I am saddened but not completely bummed out like when Freddie died.

So, please let me know if I should buy a rainbow sticker for my car or plan to march in a gay pride parade. I really don’t want to but maybe I owe it to my suppressed gay side. Of course, if it is just a fascination with a talented musician, I would feel a hell of a lot better about it. I know that makes me shallow but I am fairly confident we have already sussed that fact out many months ago.

I miss you Freddie. In a completely hetero and masculine way.


Clay Aiken To Judge “America’s Next Top Model”

February 10, 2009

There are few things in life that I care less about than Clay Aiken and the TV show “America’s Next Top Model”. However, when you add the two together, I just feel compelled to say something.

Let’s start with ANTM. Is there a more useless show on television these days? My biggest problem with this show is that it is littered with unattractive anorexic lesbians. (Ok, I just threw in the lesbian bit). Still, shouldn’t the next “Top Model” actually be pretty? Wouldn’t that at least a bit of a prerequisite?

And why in the world would any person in their right mind listen to the blathering of Tyra Banks for an hour every week? Without her boobs, she would be just another pretty woman. But when she opens her mouth, even her boobs can’t save her. It might explain why no man will have one of the most beautiful women in the world (allegedly).

And what about Clay? First of all, are we talking about the Clay Aiken I am familiar with? You want this guy to give advice on fashion? Really?


Umm…ok. Clearly, my sources that told me that Clay had had the gay prayed out of him were lying. He couldn’t be more flaming if you poured a gallon of gas over his head and lit it. Don’t get me wrong, I am cool with my gay minions. It’s just that I thought that Clay had found Jesus and was on the “right” side of God. I guess not.

So, for those of you who love this show, I suspect you will love it just a little more. After all, you can never have enough judges screaming, “Oh my God! She looks fab-u-lous!!!” I guess pretty much anything passes for entertainment these days.

For my spiritual friends out there, please join me in this prayer for Clay:

“Dear Jesus, We need your help again. It seems that Clay has gone back to “smoking sausage” in spite of our best efforts to pray the gay out of him. Lord, we need you to be a little more persistent in getting Clay back on track. Father, we pray that you show Clay the value of big boobs and the mighty power of a good hoo-hoo. We think that if you could hook him up with Angelina Jolie (or a Spanish woman) just one time, he will stop coloring his hair bizarre colors and wearing fruity clothes. We pray in your name, amen”.

I don’t know if that will work but God has been known to knock out a miracle every now and then. Keep your fingers crossed!

Rick Warren Revisted

January 10, 2009

I recieved a very thoughtful reply on the issue of Rick Warren providing the invocation for Barack Obama. (You may remember, I addressed this issue awhile ago).

I wanted to share the reply from “Obama IS America!” and then provide some follow up comments.


ok well I am gay and I (politely) disagree with you.  My comment below kind of touches on a lot of issues, but it does explain why I think that it is totally messed up that Obama chose Rick Warren for the inaugural invocation:

If you are a progressive person living in California, Prop 8 winning stings. Its a slap in the freaking face.  I say progressive instead of gay, because progressive people in general, gay or straight understand that Prop 8 affects everybody.  People are born gay.  And those who are not born gay but end up in same gender relationships were born open to being with another human being because of the person that they are at their core, which has nothing at all to do with gender. Also, I used the term ‘progressive’, because there are a lot of forward thinking and open minded straight people out there who realize that if they have a child and their child is gay (which would not be an issue for them, because they are open minded people), then their child would not be able to marry the person that he or she truly loved and wanted to be with.  So Prop 8 affects straight people too.  Oh, and I also want to add that gay people are not colorless.  Its not like there are black, white, indian, chinese, mexican, vietnamese, and gay people.  Gay people are of ALL colors, creeds, cultures, etc.  In a state like CA where 50% of the population is non-White, you have a state where at least half of the gay people are also from ‘minority’ communities. 

Even though this is just an invocation, religion and spirituality are important to a lot of people.   The person who is chosen to bless Obama as he steps into office is important.  If you are a spiritual person, then you put some faith into ritual, because rituals and symbols help you focus your energies on something, and focusing your energies on something can lead to something really powerful.  For a person who is openly bigoted toward gay people to be giving the invocation for Obama is hurtful to all the gay people who worked hard on the Obama campaign by going to canvass in Nevada, joining the campaign, donating money to Obama, and basically giving him their time, money and energy instead of the fight against Prop H8.  People did this, because literally nobody progressive thought that Prop 8 would pass.  It probably wouldn’t have if the No on 8 campaign had done a better job, but the pretty much ran a horribly planned campaign.

Prop 8 passing made it blatantly obvious to a lot of people that there are a lot of people out there who  are really backwards thinking.  Yes, I think it is backward to be ‘against’ gay marriage.  I dont even understand how you can be against gay people.  That makes no sense to me.  How can you be against gay people? that’s like being against babies, or against tall people.  Gay people exist.  They always have, and they always will, no matter how much hate is directed toward them.  Gay people have been around in every society and culture.  Regardless of what some gay hating person out there in the world thinks, I will continue to be who I am, love my partner, live with her, cherish her, build a home and family with her, etc.  If someone out there thinks that is weird, well frankly, I could care less.  Gay haters become problematic, however, when they get to vote on my life.  They don’t know me.  They will never know me.  And because they hate this idea of ‘gay’ they think they can hate me too.  But this to me is a bunch of bullsh***.  So, when Prop 8 passed, people all around the state felt like Wow–the people of California dont’ know me or care about my life whatsoever, except for the fact that they have this idea in their heads about gay being bad, and so they vote against it.  Well we pay taxes, we work hard, we vote, why should our abilities to take part in social norms that are important to us too be less than another person?  I mean, marriage shouldn’t even be regulated by the state, but it is, so why should my being able to be married depend on the vote of some person out there?

Maybe if Prop 8 had never been on the ballot and Obama had chosen Rick Warren, it would have been a different issue.  But the fact is that Prop 8 passed and there are many people that are hurting.  It is just totally insulting.

America is super religious.  Many Americans are Christian, but not all Americans, and this is not an officially Christian country.  Rick Warren is a bigot.  Obviously Obama would never in a million years have picked a Hindu, Jew, Buddhist, or god forbid a Muslim. But, even within the pool of Christians, there are PLENTY of non-bigoted pastors out there.  Where did you get your estimate of 90% that you cited? Did you make that statistic up?  That is not good journalism.  But my point is here that why couldn’t Obama have picked someone less to the Right?  In this big giant diverse country full of all sorts of faiths, I find it difficult to believe that he couldn’t have found someone closer to the center to do the invocation.

So yeah, I think its messed up that Obama chose Rick Warren, and I think it is disrespectful to a lot of people.  Its not a huge deal, and I still look forward to his Presidency with hope and all of that, but I think it is messed up and I think he should be criticized for it.  I don’t understand why we have to keep pandering to the Right.  The future is progression and open-mindedness.  This is inevitable, and it is what our Constitution was founded on.  To think otherwise would be unpatriotic, I think.

And my last comment is that I find it totally ridiculous that mainstream society can accept War, death and destruction as a part of life.  We say that it has always been around and always been a part of society.  It is necessary, etc. (see John McCain’s speeches).  But gay people have always been present in society, and in EVERY society, even if they have soemtiems or often existed at the fringes.  But what is being gay? All that it is is love.  It is one person loving another person, and being attracted to someone of the same gender.  Why?  Well, because they prefer the way their own gender looks, thinks, feels.  I think that the reasons a person enjoys same gender relationships is comparable to why someone would enjoy being in a relationship with someone of the same culture, race, religion, etc.  You have certain ways of thinking and experiencing things in common.  In a same gender relationship, you get to be around your same energy – I like being around women, I like the feminine energy/vibe/whatever you call it.  I prefer it to masculine energy.  Not saying masculine is bad, I just personally prefer feminine. 

So that’s it.  Thanks for reading this comment.


This is the kind of eloquent statement that should have been used to argue the Prop 8 point in the first place. The core point, as I see it, is the fundamental issue of treating people fairly and humanely regardless of disposition. I too am a believer that people are born gay and have already laid that challenge out in a previous post.

As to the 90% number I used…yes, completely fabricated. If you read other work of mine, you will see I can be occasionally lazy in my research. I justify that by the fact that this is just a blog and no one in their right mind should come here looking for the “truth”. However, it has turned in to a decent place to find disparate opinions. For me, that is the most enjoyable part.

One last thing on Prop 8, or any other piece of legislation out there. When the masses are counted on to make a choice, their decision needs to be respected. It doesn’t mean it was correct but, for that moment in time, it should stand. That is democracy at its finest. The burden is now on the “progressive” community to educate people. Is it fair that they have this burden in the first place? Of course not. But, as we have seen throughout history, this is how we move forward.

As to Barry’s choice of Rick Warren, he was clearly in a no win situation. I am confident that whomever he selected would have agitated someone. Only Billy Graham might have risen above that kind of reproach but he represents the past, not the future. Warren, and this might be the scary part for you, actually does tend to resemble the “middle” of America today. I would say he is second only to Joel Osteen in that respect.

Let me stray a little from your comments. Obama has already shown he is willing to compromise on major issues. I am most disturbed by his backing off of the end of the war in Iraq. As I watched the debut of the USS George H W Bush this morning, I was so proud to see the young men and women in the Navy representing this country. They are at a very exciting moment in their lives and I remember feeling the same way when I was newly enlisted. I truly hope that Obama does not take their allegiance for granted and protects them as fiercely as humanly possible. They deserve that. War is not a game, it is not a sport, it is not “clean”, and rarely can it be described a “victory”. Barry has shown a tendency to pander a bit and this makes me very nervous. Each week I read the names of those that died in Iraq and Afghanistan. Whether it is 2 names or 50 on the list, I am equally saddened. I take no solace that less people are getting killed. If even one person is killed, it is a massive tragedy. I only wish that the outpouring of grief shown for the passing of Jett Travolta was equally shown to each and every one of our service men and women.

Sorry for the rant but I guess the point is we all have skin in the game on a variety of subjects. Like you, I hope that Obama can answer the bell. As always, time will tell.  

Gay People…Rick Warren Is Not Your Problem

December 18, 2008

I understand that gays are not happy with the fact that Warren does not support gay marriage but why all of the vitriol? About 90% of other Christian pastors feel exactly the same way. Do you think if Barry was still on good terms with Jeremiah Wright that he would be singing the praises of the gay community? Look, they had to pick someone so Warren is as good as anyone else that is available. (Except for Jerry Falwell but that ship has sailed).

I realize that every group wants Obama to cater to their specific needs but I think he has shown that he is not going to do it. I appreciate that part of him rather than see it as a bad thing. Most politicians whore themselves to every group out there and then completely renege on their promises. Barry just tried to pick a guy that spoke to the masses. Like it or not, Warren is just such a guy.

Besides that, who cares who delivers the invocation? If you had a gay priest do it, do you think that the voters in California would all of the sudden change their minds and support gay marriage? Of course not. The gay community must simply make the case that this is a civil rights issue and do it in a calm and positive manner. When and if you can get straight people to see it through a civil rights prism, I have little doubt that the legislation will be passed…as it should. So settle your strident selves down and be nice.

Let me change course for a moment. While I was trying to research Rick Warren and his Brokeback Church, I visited a number of forums to see what people were saying. Here is what I found on one site:


In the immortal words of John McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!” C’mon my gay peeps, Gay Chubby Dating? Are you kidding? Is there also a Gay Slightly Thin Dating site or possibly the Gay Morbidly Obese Dating venue? This is the kind of stuff Bible thumpers see that makes them convinced that the “end days” are near. (At least those Bible thumpers that lurk on gay message boards).

Sorry I got off target but seeing that ad was, without question, the highlight of my day. I thought this ad was going to be my highlight but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Chubby thing.


You see? No need to change the marriage laws because, as it turns out, you gays are apparently just going through a phase. A little prayer and then, BANG! You ladies will be getting busy with Chubby Don in no time!

Back to my original point. Let the Pastor Rick thing go. Spend your energy on asking the real question to your Bible carrying brethren, “Why am I any less of a human being than you?” There is no answer and, if you ask the question often enough, I think you will make the progress you are hoping to make.

Glad I could solve this problem and you are welcome for my help. Now, I am off to surf for Chubby Lipstick Lesbian Dating!

Earth To Oprah: We Already Know You Are Huge!

December 9, 2008

There is no reason to go around telling everyone you now weigh 200 pounds. Everyone that has seen you in the last 2 years already knows it. You can only make your poodle hairdo so big to hide the face fat…it’s just not working. What I don’t understand is why it is such a big deal to you. You are loaded to the gills with cash, you have an army of Oprah zombies that worship everything you do and say, you still have your lesbian girlfriend Gayle…I mean, what else is there?

It’s like Jesus saying, “does this robe make my a** look fat?” How egotistical must you be to try to launch a pre-emptive “I am fat, pity me” strike at this point in your career? For goodness sake, sister, you are 54 years old. Of course you look like hell. That’s what age does to us. Girlfriend, (and all of the rest of you elderly women), you need to let this self loathing thing go. It is very unbecoming and comes across as totally narcissistic.

However, to be honest, there will be a price to pay for your stretchy pants girth. This is the real reason why Sarah Palin didn’t come on your show. She was afraid that when she saw you in person she would either burst into laughter or throw up a little in her mouth. She would not try to be polite and lie to you by telling you, “Wow, you look great!” She can’t because a) Jesus won’t let her tell a lie and b) she is a maverick. Lose 50 pounds and then check with Sarah again.

I do think it is ironic that that you named your studio “Hippo” when you were still a relative waif. Talk about an unfortunate coincidence. I just know that some of your crew are walking around doing the “Hungry, Hungry, Hippo!” chant. That is not funny and I hope you have them sent to your prison camp for girls in Africa. That will teach them a thing or two. They should appreciate that they work for the single most powerful woman in the world…albeit a fairly chunky powerful woman.

In a recent interview you said, “I feel like a fat cow”. Wow, that is an awfully tough thing to say about yourself. Never forget that you are not defined by your physical stature. I do have a question though. Didn’t you say some time ago that you would never eat beef again and encouraged others to do the same thing? Remember? I think you got sued over it. Now, I don’t want to call you a liar, but am I suppose to believe that this 200 pounds was not at least partially due to some serious wolfing down of Big Macs and Baconaters? And is it fair to assume that there were also some large fries with those orders?

Again, my main point here is to let you know your fans still love you. You could “OJ” a half dozen of them live on TV and they would still love you. So stop hating yourself and just wear larger clothes. (You have the cash to pay for the extra material). Plus, pay to have larger people in your audience and try to stand next to them as often as you can. Also, maybe get a real big couch to sit on. And for God’s sake, do not stand next to either of the Obama’s at the inauguration next month. Lastly, you might consider having your next book of the month be something Weight Watchers related. They might even let you go to their meetings for free!

I wish I could help you more but I am committed to Sarah. She doesn’t appreciate me fraternizing with the enemy. Oh, one more idea. On your next giveaway show, do lifetime Twinkies and Yoo-Hoo for everyone! You won’t regret it. (Hippo Studios – that is just too funny).

Don’t Forget To “Call In Gay” Tomorrow

December 9, 2008

That’s right, tomorrow is the national “Day Without a Gay” protest. This is a new effort to bring attention to the struggles of gays and lesbians throughout the world. It is also suggested that, in conjunction with “calling in gay”,  people do charity work tomorrow and try to minimize spending. This effort will, hopefully, show the intellectual and financial power of the gay community.

So, simply put, anyone that does not show up to work tomorrow is gay. Put away your “gaydar” because you won’t need it…at least for one day. It is safe to say that Clay Aiken and other gay performers will have the day off. However, keep your eye on the less obvious gay performers. For instance, if Anderson Cooper doesn’t do his show tomorrow it will verify what many of us already know.

Also, this will help you identify your gay co-workers. Not so you can be hostile towards them but it could help you with Christmas shopping. Maybe a nice scarf for a gentleman instead of some macho crap. For the ladies, a nice flannel shirt. (The lesbians LOVE the flannel).

Lastly, if YOU don’t show up to work tomorrow, you can finally come to terms with all of those conflicting feelings you have had. You know ladies, the way you look longingly at Lindsay Lohan or, for you guys, that handsome Michael Phelps. Don’t fight your urge, at least for the day. Embrace your gayness.

Of course, on Thursday, if you feel dirty about yourself and regret what you did the night before with your neighbor Felix, you need to head straight to your local church where you can get the gay prayed straight out of you. It is a venal sin so you should be ok with a few Hail Marys.

Also, for guys at least, you might walk funny for a few days. That is normal. You will have probably used muscles on “gay day” that you have not used before. This should clear itself up. However, like an erection for my than 48 hours, continued pain should be attented to by a doctor…particularly if you think there is a chance that anything was “left behind”. (A ferret, for instance).

I wish you all a happy “Day Without a Gay” tomorrow. I hope you truly appreciate what our gay brothers and lesbian sisters bring to our communities. In many ways, they have brought color to an otherwise black and white world. As for me, I will see you all on Thursday! Big hug and kisses!!!


Hey Lesbians. Why Are You So Angry?

November 5, 2008

I wrote a short message about Lindsay Lohan and her unpleasant looking girl/boyfriend, Samantha Ronson. Someone posted my link at some lesbian message boards so I went over there to see what was going on. (Strictly as a fact finding mission).

Man, was I disappointed. Most of the lesbians just seemed to be pi**ed off at everyone; particularly men. I don’t understand this. Is it because the “real” lesbians are kind of hard looking and men are mean to them? It is a genetic predisposition to just hate all things male? I simply don’t understand.

I guess why I am confused is that gay men are probably the nicest group of people on earth. How many straight women have a gay friend? Almost all of them. However, how many lesbian women have a straight male friend? Probably not nearly as many. Hell, even closet gays like Ted Haggard seem to always be in a pretty good mood.

Now, again, it could be a “looks” thing. Gay men tend to be thin, well groomed and fastidious. Lesbian women…not so much. Bad haircuts, no make up, thick legs, always wearing jeans, etc. Probably the biggest sin of the lesbian wardrobe is the flannel shirt. (Please do yourself a favor and burn all of them immediately, unless you are DJ Pat Pat…she rocks the look!)


Still, gay men put up with a ton of persecution and seem to deal with it fairly well. importantly, they seem to have an ability to keep their sense of humor in tact. Lesbians, excluding Ellen DeGeneres, seem to always be in a sour mood and can be downright hateful. Completely unlike the happy lesbian women I see in my adult movies.

So my dear, lesbian friends. Cheer up! We get it. You can be just as surly as a man. But why would you want to be? If you would just be nice, your life would be so much easier. Both men and women, in general, would be open to loving you just as you are if you would just stop grimacing all of the time. Lose the flannel, slap some lipstick on the pig (to use a political metaphor), maybe buy one or two skirts, let your hair grow past your shoulders (this is a BIG one) and put a smile on your face!

The world wants to love you but it is hard to hug a cactus. Be happy like your male counterparts and watch the world become your oyster! I am glad I was able to help you with my little pep talk. No need to thank me.

Can’t Lindsay Lohan Get A Better Looking Girlfriend?

October 10, 2008

I have seen a lot of pictures lately of Lindsay and her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. By all accounts the two are happy although there seems to be some allegation about Ronson planting drugs in Lohan’s car and using Lindsay’s celebrity to improve her own status. Whatever. Of course people are going to leach off of celebrities…it’s as American as apple pie and if I knew a celebrity, I would be leaching as well.

No, my complaint about this situation is that Sam is not a very attractive person. If you are a mega rich superstar, don’t you get your pick of the litter? Surely there is someone out there that can fulfil Lyndsay’s needs that doesn’t look like Pete Doherty. Here is one of the better pictures of Samantha:


Seriously Lyndsay? You went lesbo for that? Good God woman, are you sure that’s not Pete?

(At least with Pete, you wouldn’t have to worry about him planting drugs since he would never be so wasteful with heroin).

I just don’t get why some lesbians feel compelled to have a girlfriend that fills the male role of the relationship. What is so wrong with finding an attractive mate? Does it make you somehow less gay? If Lyndsay was unattractive, i could better understand her choice but you don’t see supermodels marrying ugly guys, do you? (Excluding Billy Joel, Seal, Rik Ocasek…oh hell, forget that example).

As a celebrity, there is an obligation to fulfill the needs of the fan base. Let’s face it, men want to see “lipstick” lesbians. That is just the way it is. Every single adult movie ever made has a lesbian scene with attractive women in it. So Lyndsay, do what is right for your fans. Dump that little man Sam you are dating and see if you can bring Anne Hathaway over to your team. Sure, lesbians and feminists will hate you but your fan base will double overnight. And, let’s be honest, being popular is way more important than being respected…particularly in Hollywood.

As for Ms. Ronson, maybe she can then hook up with Rosie O’Donnell. The good news is, shockingly, Sam would then be the attractive one in the relationship. See? There really is someone for everyone.