Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

February 26, 2009

I came across a lovely story about a guy that works in the morgue and has sex with cadavers. Now, I am not judging the man because we have all had such thoughts at one point or another. However, now that I am closer to death than ever before, the thoughts of Bubba ram rodding my bloated corpse is slightly unappealing.

I used to think of it like the Tom Petty video where he stole Kim Basinger… Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I think. It had sort of an eerie beauty to it. (And yes, if Kim Basinger had just died, pretty much any guy would hit that. You can hate if you want but you know I speak the truth). Also, I think dead bodies should have a “5 second” rule like food. If a beautiful woman just dies of, say, a heart attack, would it be wrong to be romantic with her? I think not.


You would absolutely do it!

Anyway, Kenneth Douglas has kind of ruined it for me. He did little more than rape a dead body. That’s not cool. No romance, no dancing, no walking along the ocean like Tom Petty did. Let me tell you something, if he had done that to me, I would have…well, nothing. Cuz, after all, I would already be dead. But my spirit in the sky (“that’s where I’m gonna go when I die” – You’re welcome) is going to be really pi**ed.

What makes it worse is that having sex with a corpse only lands you 18 months in jail, max. Of course since he did this to a minimum of 3 women, he is kind of racking up the years.

So, knowing that my awesome body could be a boy toy to some perv when I die, I am considering being burned or melted or whatever they do when they cremate you. It just seems against Allah to destroy such a perfect creation. (I am pretty sure he is still mad at me for having my super big thingy made smaller).


Ok. After thinking about this for 30 seconds, I am NOT going to be cremated. It is just wrong. If God wanted us to be cremated, he would have made fire. (And we know he didn’t…either Martians or cavemen did).  So I am just going to let the worms have their way with me. From asses to asses, musk to musk.

One word of warning to any potential pervs out there. Before I die, I will booby trap all of my orifices with really, really painful traps. I don’t just mean my mouth and pooper either. ALL orifices! Consider yourself warned.

(Dear organ donation people, be very careful when you gut me. Sorry for the additional risk. Yours truly, TL)

Hey Alec Baldwin – Shut The Hell Up

September 23, 2008

Seriously, do you have absolutely no self control?

In case you have not heard, Alec has written a book condemning the family court system. While everything he writes about the court system may be absolutely true, no one is going to listen to him. Why? Because he is still the douche bag that left his 11 year old daughter the “you are a rude, thoughtless little pig” phone message.

Amazingly, in an interview with Morley Safer on “60 Minutes”, he said “haven’t you ever said something to your children that you regret?” Morley, of course, answered, “Oh, hell no!” (Or words to that effect). Alec the DB then went on to accuse Safer of giving him “the look”…as if Morley was looking down on him. Of course he was, you fat headed DB!!!

Here is the thing. I actually like Alec on 30 Rock and he is a fine actor. However, he is also a pompous ass and may be a miserable parent. I don’t know that for a fact but did I mention the message he left his daughter? “You rude, thoughtless little pig.” He should never open his yapper on the subject for the rest of his life. 

Now, since my daughter reads this blog, I am sure she will feel compelled to mention the time(s) that I said something unpleasant to her. (Of course you will never see it because I have to approve all comments). But I can guarantee you that I never said the hateful things that Alec the DB said…and I also have been known to have a temper so I am quite capable of such vitriol.

Here is what I have learned over the years. When you do something wrong, whatever it is, learn from your mistake and move on. Trying to justify a bad decision just makes a bad situation worse. So Alec, please listen to the words coming from my fingers. Shut the hell up, you DB.