Do You Really Shave Your Toes?

February 25, 2009

I was going to write something about Barry’s speech last night but just couldn’t muster the strength. I also considered writing about the fact that every time the camera panned to someone in the audience, they looked like they died maybe 10 years ago. (Seriously people, could we stop re-electing people that drool and wear Depends?)

Instead of politics, I want to revisit personal grooming. Not manscaping; that subject has already been addressed. No, I want to talk about the relentless pursuit of women to be “hair free”. To be honest, I have been married for over 20 years so body hair fashion is not something I am terribly in tune with. And by the way, I am ok with this.

The other day a colleague mentioned that she was fantasizing thinking about me while she was shaving her legs. A funny little story until she also pointed out she shaved her toes. Are you kidding me? My journalistic radar immediately went into full coverage mode. Within a few hours, I had asked pretty much each of the 6 women I know if they do the same thing. 5 of 6 said yes!

This body hair thing has gotten completely out of control. Men getting their “boys” a haircut…woman shaving their toes. What is going on? As I considered this issue, I thought back to the cover photo of Bar Rafaeli. In the photo, she is virtually hairless. We know that since she is from Israel, that she is naturally covered in body hair. So, I would say it probably takes her about 3 hours a day to get hair free. Is this really worth it? (I only spend an hour on my butt each day and that is to reduce dingleberries. A real medical reason).

Then, in what can only be described as divine intervention, I found a website that posts full magazines on-line. I have been going through a muscle car phase (middle aged crisis) and saw that they also had Penthouse on-line. I haven’t seen a Penthouse since the 80’s issue that had Wade Boggs and his lover Margo something. (In fact, I probably still have that issue somewhere).

So, as a journalist, I open the digital magazine. Can you guess what I saw? That’s right…no less than 8 models that were virtually hairless. Most had shaved everything including their hoo-hoo’s. The only exception was one or two that had what I can only describe as a sideways Inspector Clouseau mustache. What is the point of that? Since this is a PG blog, here is what I am talking about.

hoo-hoo-stache

I’m sorry, but that is just weird.

Anyway, I thought this important news item should be shared with you. I hope I was able to enlighten the masses. We have a real crisis here and you people need to do something about it. You are welcome. TL


Woman Arrested For Not Returning Library Book

January 23, 2009

Are you kidding me? This is as stupid as when Edna Jester was arrested for not returning the neighbors football.

Shelly Koontz of Independence, Iowa was arrested and charged with 5th degree theft for failing to return the book, “The Freedom Writers Diary” to her local library. The library had tried several times to reach Ms. Koontz with no results. Phone calls, letters…even a certified letter failed to do the trick. They simply could not get this woman to return this valuable $13.95 book.

Wait a minute…$13.95? That’s right. That’s what landed Shelly in the slammer. As Jesup Police Chief Rick Deitrick put it. “Theft is theft, no matter what it is”. That’s right, Inspector Clouseau. If you are going to not return a book, you might have just as well stolen a Ferrari. It’s all the same in the eyes of the law.

How bored must the employees of the library and local law enforcement be to chase this kind of “crime” down? Seriously, aren’t there some kitty cats missing or a street sign that has been stolen? Librarians, couldn’t you re-stack the books or something with all of your free time?

Here is a photo of Shelly. I am posting it in case she tries to make a run for it. Hopefully, you will feel a little safer knowing what this devil looks like.

shelly-koontz

Yup. Just look at her…guilty as hell. How many other books do you think she has stolen in her life? She might have a whole library of her own in her basement. I am going to say that 6 months in the county jail would be a fair punishment.

I bet the taxpayers of Iowa are thrilled to death that they are going to have to pay the court costs for this major crime case. I also bet the Iowa CSI gang is hot on the trail of ink splatter stains on her hands. She’s going down.

Now, I am not a law enforcement specialist but it seems to me the correct punishment for not returning a book is that you have your library card revoked. Yes, you are out $13.95 but as a taxpayer funded entity, it is a hell of a lot cheaper than the cost of arresting, processing and then having any kind of court appearance for this type of offense.

I wonder what the punishment would be for stealing, say, a TV set in Independence? It would have to be at least a public hanging in the town square (flogging optional). I just love the American legal system. Last week, a murderer walks free because the cops screwed up his Miranda rights but at least they brought down the Book Stealing Bandit.