Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?

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Do You Hate All Blacks Or Just Obama?

June 24, 2010

As an occasional black man, I need to know this so I can understand just how many of you racist peckerwoods are out there. With so few of you even trying to hide it anymore, the number has grown substantially.

How do I know this? Because the arguments against Barry have grown increasingly ridiculous. I thought that the “birthers” were probably as bad as it could get but I was wrong. Someone, somewhere posted that Barry is making over $85 million off of the BP disaster through his Vanguard accounts. As near as I can tell, he has about $300k invested. I am not a math major, but the ROI on that seems slightly high. (Although I am sure other Vanguard holders are praying to God the numbers are right).

This is just one example of how anything that is said or written about our Black King is readily digested as the truth by the racist masses. You can say you hate Barry for his policies or lack of actions (of which there are many gaffes to choose from) but it goes well beyond that. You hate him because he can’t bowl like a white man. You hate him because he has purple lips. You hate him because of his tiny ears. Let’s just call a spade a spade…you hate the black man.

But here is the thing. He has given you two extra years of unemployment checks. He has hooked you up with health care. He offered to take your shitty, rusted, El Camino filled with empty Lone Star beer cans in the back, and let you trade up to a newer pick up. He even tried to get you to move out of the trailer park and buy a house without wheels on it. In short, he has given you racist douche bags everything you want except the ability; still, to marry your first cousin legally.

Don’t get me wrong. I have all kinds of problems with Barry. His no-limit credit card spending, his failure to do a damned thing about the wars, his desire to be all things to all people, his entire staff being “insiders”, etc. The list goes on and on. But none of it has to do with him or his heritage. Who cares? It’s not like he’s a Jew or something.

I realize that the only thing worse than having a black man as POTUS is having a Mexican but that day is coming too (although we better never have a woman President…unless it’s Sarah). The truth is, it doesn’t matter what color the big man is. He is accountable to the movers and shakers of the world; not you.

Politicians have a choice. To either hang out with people loaded with cash and access (think Wall Street), or you, Joe Donut (the constituent). Who the hell do you think they are going to cater to? And wouldn’t you do the same thing? So, stop hating on the black man and dreaming that whitey is going to be your friend. He isn’t…unless you have the cash flow to capture his attention.

Now, go back to spending your time on chasing down Bigfoot and “browsing” at the local Wal-Mart. Oh, and keep an eye out for the black helicopters you delusional, paranoid, racist, ass hats.

(Do you even need to ask whether I would hit this or not?)


Baby (and probably Jesus) Gives Sarah Palin Bigger Boobs

June 11, 2010

Well, the lame stream media is at it again. They are running a scandalous story that our girl Sarah has gone out and purchased new breasts. Obviously, nothing could be further from the truth.

As we all know, Sarah has ovaries that drop eggs more often than Tiger nails white chicks. It’s just how God made her. (Thank you Jesus). Anyway, once again, Sarah got knocked up by her stud husband, Snow Plow (or whatever the hell his name is).

Because she already has a quiver full of children, she simply could not afford to have another one. (Plus, the last one didn’t come out exactly fully baked). Being a responsible person, she knew she could not keep the baby. However, as a good Christian, abortion was not an option. So Sarah did what she knew she had to do. She smoked crack and drank Jim Beam until the little thing just shot out of her hoo-hoo like a rocket. Problem solved.

Except it’s not quite as simple as that. Her boobs did not get the message that the plan had been changed and proceeded to fill her love jugs with milk. She initially was not going to encourage this behavior from her breasts because, frankly, the thought of Snow Plow suckling her 24/7 was very unappealing.

Fortunately, before she had a chance to squeeze all of the milk out and go down to a disappointing C cup, she went on her morning run in Wasilla. She did not have a new bra to hold all of her womanhood in so she was bouncing all over the place. As men ogled her and started pitching tents in their pants, she started to appreciate the power of her new bosom. Plus, when she stopped to have a seat on a bench and catch her breath, a baby raccoon came up to her and started nuzzling her heaving bazookas. Acting on her motherly instincts, Sarah quickly pulled out a buck knife, slit the coon’s throat, and gutted it for dinner in just under 30 seconds.

I know the above story is true because I live next door to Sarah and saw it happen. Ok, I don’t literally live next door but my surveillance cameras really make me feel like I do. My source, Paco, tells me that Sarah is going to keep her fun bags until the 2012 election. She is confident that she can get at least 20% more of the male vote. Plus, Bill Clinton has volunteered to be her campaign manager and she has accepted so she can land the black vote. (It is unclear what Clinton will get in return but he said he will pay the dry cleaning bill…whatever that means). It is rumored that her campaign slogan will be, “Palin in 2012. Got milk yet?”

I realize that jealous women will have catty things to say but they need to get over it. Sarah Palin is now the standard by which all women will be measured. So, ladies, you better get cracking on getting those flapjacks inflated or the new PILF will steal your man before you know what hit you. God bless you, Sarah.

Drill, baby, drill indeed. (Can you pass the Kleenex box, please?)


We The People…Pretty Much Suck

June 9, 2010

How do I know this? Because nary a day goes by where my opinion is not fully reinforced by some douche monkey chasing the almighty dollar (or rupee) to satisfy their own greedy needs.

Recently, a colleague mentioned to me that his dentist said he had a cracked tooth and 3 cavities. Before he even had a chance to think about his options, he was brought into the “office manager” to schedule the work and figure out a payment plan. Since he had already paid several thousand dollars over the last few years, he couldn’t understand why his teeth were still a wreck. So, he sought a second opinion. Dentists #2 tells him that his teeth are fine…no problems at all.

Late last week, my 16 year old son (know as “The Boy”) rear ended another vehicle at a McDonald’s drive-thru. As you would suspect, a person can only roll so fast into another vehicle waiting in a drive-thru line. Info was exchanged and a cop came by. No one could see any obvious damage but the car owner, an insurance salesperson, was going to have it “checked out”. Needless to say, she called yesterday to say that she had filed a claim due to damage to her bumper and exhaust. Did I mention her son-in-law runs a body shop? Life is full of such innocent coincidences.

Whoever created the human race must be massively disappointed. We are the single most greedy, cruel, narcissistic, stupid, lazy, self absorbed species in the entire galaxy. Even when we think we are being generous, we are putting the wood to someone. Need an example? How about tithing.

You know about tithing, right? That’s the deal where you give 10% (or whatever) to your church of choice. Think about this. Someone sat down one day and approached God with this awesome offer. He said, “So listen God. You are the almighty creator of the universe and everything we are and have is due to you. We want to show our loyalty and humbleness by offering you a percentage of everything we earn. You deserve it. We were thinking you would get 10% and we would keep 90%. Does that sound fair?”

For fu**s sake, the Mob offers a better deal than that. And don’t forget, this is God you are negotiating with! He/she/it is really only worth a 10% offering? No wonder God/Buddha/Mohammed/John Smith and company are always causing natural disasters that kick our collective asses. They are getting ripped off and it is pissing them off. Way to go you greedy ass humans.

Normally, I direct my cynicism towards corporate, religious, or government establishments. The organizations that rule the world and lead the lemmings wherever they want them to go. But as a friend pointed out yesterday, any entity is nothing more than the people who created and inhabit it. Lashing out at corporate greed or government mismanagement is just an easy way to avoid the truth. And that truth is that mankind is a useless and selfish collection of fat, meat, and bones with jiggly stuff in the middle. We can con ourselves into believing we are something else but it’s a lie…and a weak one at that.

True, not everyone falls into that category but I am going to guess the vast majority do, including myself. As it turns out, it’s a shame that Bruce Willis broke up that big meteor that was going to blow up the Earth. 2012 can’t get here soon enough.

Have a nice day 🙂


Another Day, Another Product Recall

June 8, 2010

GM today announced it was recalling about 1.5 million vehicles worldwide due to some sort of defect. This recall is on the heels of the Chrysler, Maytag, McDonalds, etc. recalls. The list is simply too long to go through.

All of these recalls lead us to a simple question, “Why the fu** can’t anyone build something that isn’t a piece of crap?” When companies downsized, did they get rid of all of the quality control people first? Do you really need to make 12,000,000 glasses before it dawns on you that maybe you should have checked the first few thousand for, oh, I don’t know, cadmium? I would have loved to have been in on that meeting.

Joe: Bob, how is the Shrek production going?

Bob: Awesome, Joe. We have now produced 12,000,000 of those bad boys. Ka-ching!!!

Joe: Not to be a worry wart, but, just so we are clear…you checked for lead, cadmium, paint chipping, and any other possible safety issues?  

Bob: Of course not. How can we make money if we have to test every damned thing? Joe, trust me…we are fine. These glasses are going to be bought by fat people in a trailer park thinking that they bought some sort of “collectable”. No one is going to check on that kind of crap.

Frankly, I would have preferred that the glasses had not been recalled. Having a bunch of rednecks poisoning themselves while drinking Mountain Dew from their Shrek glasses has a certain righteousness to it. Sure, the coming generations of NASCAR fans would dwindle but that might not be such a bad thing.

Many recalls happen after a few people have been maimed or killed. It is a hard hearted CEO that gets told that a few people might die from their product but gives the “go ahead” anyway. Of course, this is a free enterprise system so no one ever said there wouldn’t be a few casualties along the away. I am pretty sure the fear of the government catching the flaw before the consumer is virtually non-existent.

My favorite recall is the “phantom” Motrin recall. Motrin, manufactured by the small family firm Johnson & Johnson, was supposed to be recalled due to the fact that it was dissolving improperly and could have adverse effects on the user. Since there were only thought to be 88,000 defective caplets, J&J allegedly hired a firm to go out and buy the killer pills. Here is the instruction letter (link underneath):  

J and J’s dirty secret

This is the kind of American ingenuity that makes me get a little misty eyed. As a shareholder, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the companies that I invest in doing their level best to keep their profits soaring. So a few people get sick, maimed, or killed. We can’t let the tail wag the dog, folks. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

Anyway, if you are bored and want to see what other products are being recalled, visit http://www.usrecallnews.com. You will find all kinds of nifty items there. This awesome product has already killed 3 babies due to suffocation. (Gee, it sure looks comfortable, doesn’t it?) 


Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio…

May 27, 2010

Update: A tip of my gin and juice for Gary Coleman. I thought for sure Todd Bridges would beat him to the grave.

I have been asked this question a lot lately. Well, not about Joe D but about me. Where have I gone? Was I depressed? Incarcerated? Abducted by aliens and anally probed yet again? The answer is yes to all of the above plus other reasons.

I have talked about being depressed before but, for some reason, I fell into a pretty dark place a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why. It just engulfed me like a large, wet coat that I could not get out of. There was a brief moment where I wondered if this was what a nervous breakdown felt like or maybe I was destined for a loony bin somewhere. I just wanted to cry and could not climb out of a very deep hole. The fact that I could not seem to control my emotions and mood was very unnerving.

Fortunately, over time, I climbed my way out of the pit but I do worry sometimes that this doom and gloom might rear its ugly head again. This depression really has a negative impact on my awesomeness and that is a problem. Even my stalkers threatened to leave me for Gary Coleman if I didn’t pull it together. So, that was a big part of the reason I vanished.

As for the incarceration and aliens, I don’t want to talk about it. I will just say this. When I pass gas, you can’t hear it anymore. Try making an O shape with your mouth and see how much noise you can make by blowing through it. Now you see my dilemma. Don’t even get me started about the leakage. I can never sit in a cloth chair again.

I have also been busy working at Hooters. With the new weight enforcement, I have had to really buckle down on what I eat. Plus, you have no idea how long it takes to shave my body and tuck myself so that I don’t “show” in my short shorts. As an occasional black man, I have to be careful not to knock on my own back door when I am pushing my Mandingo backwards. It’s not easy being me.

Lastly, I just ran out of new things to say. When I crossed the 400 post mark, I had said pretty much everything I needed to say. Honestly, what subject have I not covered? When you have already tapped the midget and Eskimo’s reservoir, the well is running dry. I needed some time so I could forget what I had written previously so I could write it all over again. Have I said much lately about Sarah Palin? I really need to expound on my affection for her.

In the end, I will never be nearly as prolific as I used to be. However, I hope that I still have something to say on occasion. I would also like to take this time to thank those of you that have stuck it out with me. Sure, you life is sad and lonely because you live in a basement that smells like cat piss, but I love you. Never forget that. Until the next time, I bid you adieu. TL


No Fatties Wanted At Hooters

May 26, 2010

Well, to be clear, no fat servers are wanted at Hooters. Cassandra Smith was a waitress at Hooters until she ballooned up to 132 pounds. At 5’8”, this height to weight ratio makes her super, duper, fat-o-rama…according to the BMI rating system. (Just slightly over morbidly obese).

Hooters, wary of the needs of their clientele, asked Mama Cass to lose some weight and put her on a 30 day probation. Our super sized waitress apparently could not stand the thought of giving up Ring Dings and Twinkies and promptly resigned. She said she was “humiliated and offended”. I would think that the fact that men paid her to NOT serve them would have been more offensive, but maybe not.

In a not so surprising move, Cassandra immediately filed a lawsuit against Hooters saying that Michigan law, the state where she worked, prohibits terminating someone due to their “non-slimness”. Hooters counters this claim by saying that the waitresses are hired as “performers” and appearance is a critical part of their act.

(On a side note, had I known that Hooters girls were performers, I would have been much more demanding as a customer. Certainly, at a minimum, I would have asked them to do the splits and probably had them do a number of cartwheels.)

(On another side note, I just found out that the neighbor down the street from me looks like a medium sized blimp. I was turning the corner in my car, when I noticed a yellow VW Bug in the corner of my eye. (Not literally). When I turned to face it, I saw that it was this enormous mammal (man?) with a bright yellow top on. I think he had pants on but his fat hung down to his knees so I couldn’t really tell. He blocked my car as he rolled / dawdled / teetered across the road. I would say it took him about 12 minutes to move about 30 feet. I would have rammed his fat ass if I didn’t know that my SUV would have been completely totaled. If you ever wondered what happened to the show “Jake and the Fatman”, now you know. The dude in the yellow shirt ate Jake. And very possibly the rest of his family.)

Anyway, back to Cassandra. I don’t really know if 132 pounds is fat but, if Hooters says it is, who am I to argue? They run a fine organization with their only interests being to tout women’s rights and end the stigma of women being objectified just for their looks. That is why they put them in uniforms, like the military, to discourage individualism and encourage their female employees to be empowered, liberated, and on equal footing with their male counterparts. God bless Hooter’s for leading this important cause. They realize that fat women only hurt this endeavor by making men less likely to eat chicken wings. Makes perfect sense to me.

To be fair, I should point out that some of the other Hooters Girls around the country feel that Cassandra is being mistreated and support her position. This group of employees from the Biloxi Mississippi Hooters recently went on strike to show solidarity. While they are obliviously within the weight guidelines of the company, they still felt it was important to support their much larger sister. Somewhere, Norma Rae is smiling proudly.

(By the way, I have crossed the 500 posts mark. Congrats to me for taking up so much room on the Interweb).