Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

January 27, 2012

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL

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Can Old(er) Women Please Stop Having Babies?

October 26, 2008

I really don’t understand the need for women over 40 to keep having babies. Didn’t you already have 20+ years to squirt one out if that was what you wanted to do? By waiting until you are over 40, you are significantly increasing the odds of complications plus you are going to be OLD by the time the kid is 10. What 10 year old wants a 50 year old mom? Or 20 year old a 60 year old mama? That’s just crazy.

To take it a step further, a 56 year old woman in Ohio became a surrogate mother for her daughter. This is just plain creepy to me. First, this nice elderly woman had the “seed” of her son-in-law put inside of her. Ewww, that’s just gross. Plus, look how old this woman looks:

I am sure she is a wonderful lady but, wow, that is just not right. I cannot imagine that Jesus is on board with this, at all.

The good news is that the babies seem to be healthy and I am glad for that. Plus, in spite of their elderly “real” mom, they have a pretty hot new mom:

 (photo’s from http://cosenotriplets.blogspot.com/)

Now, I am not a doctor but it seems like she was, or is going to, breastfeed the babies. Don’t you kind of need to have a baby first to get the whole milk thing going? Is she just faking out the new babies since they don’t know any better? I don’t get it. (And, to be clear, this is not an indictment of the Coseno family, pictured above. I wish them the best. I just don’t get the notion of old folks having children…whatever the reason). 

I am sure that the “older” women reading this will tell me how wrong I am about this matter but it just seems selfish to me. I know that people get bored once they turn 40 but that’s just not a good enough reason to pop out babies. If you must have a kid, just do like Madonna and buy one from somewhere. (They used to be listed on Craigslist but I guess that was technically illegal).

Or better yet, wait for your oldest kid to have a baby and then spoil your grandchild rotten. Be patient. In the meantime, get a dog or cat and that should hold you over. If you are still confused, try this test. Borrow someones baby and go to the mall. If people say, “My, you have a lovely grand daughter” you have failed the test. Time to shut down the baby factory.

(And by the way, no cheating on the test. Slathering yourself up with makeup and getting Botox is circumventing the system).

I say embrace your oldness. Not having babies doesn’t mean you can’t still be hot. Look at this photo of 60+ year old Helen Mirren:

I mean, yeah, it would be kind of gross to have sex with her considering her age, but… how could you not? So, please, no more baby talk for all of you quadragenarians (or higher) out there. If for no other reason, do it for the children.


I Am Becoming Addicted To Sarah Palin

September 2, 2008

Honest to God, I don’t want to be but I just can’t help myself. Everyday there is some new story about her that makes me forget about the last story. When you think about it, McCain’s strategy is working beautifully. Barack who? Biden who? Screw that, we want more Sarah!!!

I was going to write about Helen Mirren and her “love” for cocaine until she found out that the Nazi’s were behind it. I am no historian but I am pretty sure that Tony Montana was not a Nazi but who knows. Anyway, writing about Helen would just cut into my Sarah time.

This photo of Sarah has been kicking around for some time but It took me a few days to decipher the words.

I am pretty sure it says: “I like my men like my coffee, strong and black”. Sure, she stole the line but who cares? It just makes her that much more adorable. Plus, in the jar over her shoulder it looks like she has a bunch of syringes. That just makes her more like the rest of us!

I will admit I was skeptical of this choice at first but I am now fully on board. In fact, if Johnny Mac falls over today I say she should go right to the top of the ticket. She could then choose Jane Seymour as her running mate and complete the “cougar” ticket. Unbeatable, I tell ya. Unbeatable.

Edit: I just heard that “Levi” was going to attend the convention. I guess Levi is the boyfriend of Sarah’s daughter. I don’t want to start anything but is this Jesus Camp Levi? How amazing would that be?