Pepsi Is For Gay People

September 11, 2009

I learned this valuable bit of information from the Bell Shoals Baptist church in Brandon, FL. I always thought that Pepsi tasted a little wimpy. Now I know why. The church has banned all Pepsi products so that a) they are not supporting such an unworthy cause and b) no gay rubs off on them.

Church Member Terri “don’t even think I’m gay because of the way I spell my name” Kemple says he convinced the church to join the boycott because, “Pepsi is advocating for the normalization of homosexual behavior in our culture.”

Thank goodness the good folks at Bell Shoals brought this to my attention. I have been drinking a lot of Pepsi lately and, frankly, was feeling a little light in my loafers…if you know what I mean. (Ok, I don’t really know what that saying means either).

Anyway, the new clear winner for my soft drink dollar is Coca Cola. I went to their website to look for manly things to do when, to my horror, I ran across this paragraph relating to the workers at Coke:

The Coca-Cola Gay and Lesbian Forum fosters an equitable work environment where gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) employees can feel a sense of community within our Company.

Are you kidding me!!! Coke is run by the gays too?!?! What the fu** am I supposed to drink if I don’t want to go gay? You know that gayness just drips into the product every time one of the gays touch it.

Remarkably, it even gets worse. Coca Cola has bastardized their logo to embrace the gay culture.

gay coke 

Is this my America anymore? And what the hell is GLBT? It sounds like a sandwich. And what is a transgender? Is that when they have half of the stuff of a man and half of a woman? Kind of like an earthworm?

I am absolutely shocked and saddened by this turn of events. I live for carbonated soft drinks and now I am guess I am supposed to go with the generic brands. But who is to say they are not also made by the gays? Or worse…Eskimo’s and little people. Ewwww…

We need to wake up America. Pretty soon our shoes and clothes will be made by children in 3rd world countries (and probably gay children, at that!) Our cars and appliances are already made by the little Asian people in Hawaii.

Where the hell are the manly men that used to make all of this stuff and chew tobacco and smack their women and children around? This is this! I am coming unhinged at the seams. Anyone know a good, straight seamstress?

This explains why my brothers drink gin and juice and Kool-Aid.


Am I Gay If I Still Love Freddie Mercury?

March 15, 2009

I must admit…I am sitting here on another Sunday morning listening to Fred sing about a variety of subjects. Of course, I have heard all of these songs many, many times over the years so there is really nothing new to be heard. Still, I keep coming back for more after 25 years of listening to Queen. I have love for Brian and Roger too (not so much for John) but Freddie is the man. Albeit a gay man.

So, maybe I have some sort of recessed gay gene in me that attracts me to the music. Granted, I don’t much care for other gay singers so I might just as likely be fascinated by his ginormous teeth or porn stache (which I have already admitted having a fascination with although I no longer wear one). I shouldn’t be troubled by this love for Queen music but, somehow I am.

Do you remember when you found out that Billy Squier was gay? Do you remember how dirty you felt after singing “The Stroke” thousands of time without knowing what he really meant? For those of you too young to remember, let me rewind the clock a little. Billy came out of Boston with a great pop rock sound. He was writing rock anthem after rock anthem and then “the video” came out. Oh…my…God. It even made Clay Aiken and Boy George blush. Here it is:

(You are probably going to need to take a shower to wash the gay off of you. Go ahead….I’ll wait.)

So, if other gay artists are not my cup of tea, why am I so fascinated by Freddie? The easy answer is his tremendous talent but that doesn’t quite fill the bill. I love Tom Petty, James Taylor and Lemmy from Motörhead but am not obsessed with those guys. I will tell you a secret, just between you and I. When Fred died all those years ago my eyes filled with tears. (This from a man who is frequently questioned about whether or not I actually have tear ducts). When Ben Orr from The Cars or other rock and roll stars die, I am saddened but not completely bummed out like when Freddie died.

So, please let me know if I should buy a rainbow sticker for my car or plan to march in a gay pride parade. I really don’t want to but maybe I owe it to my suppressed gay side. Of course, if it is just a fascination with a talented musician, I would feel a hell of a lot better about it. I know that makes me shallow but I am fairly confident we have already sussed that fact out many months ago.

I miss you Freddie. In a completely hetero and masculine way.

freddie-mercury


Watchmen – Worst Movie Ever

March 7, 2009

That’s right, it was absolutely horrible. You may be wondering what could possibly have spurred me to a) write a movie review and b) write it with such negativity? Two words pretty much explain the main problem I had with this movie…blue penis.

Actually, I should probably say it in three words…glowing blue penis. There is a character in the movie who is kind of a kinetic blue (if such a thing exists) and the vast majority of the time, he is buck naked. I don’t know about you but I have no interest in seeing man junk once, let alone several times in a movie. Now, to be fair, he had a pretty large thingy and it was nice looking if you are into that. However, it is quite clear that the director was loving him some man meat.

What agitated me is that he didn’t need to have his junk out all of the time. There are a few scenes where he is wearing a black thong. Well, WTF?…make up your mind. Why not just keep his knob in the banana hammock and save the majority of men in the audience this homoerotic experience? When I want to go gay, I will just crank me up some Clay Aiken and stare at George Clooney posters.

There was also an unbelievable amount of man butt in the movie. Obviously, blue man had his buns out constantly. Also, there were other guy(s) doing it. I couldn’t keep count so it may have been two or ten. I just sat there thinking I would never be able to chop wood in my life again. My God, the humanity of it all. The director did throw in one or two token boobs but hardly enough to compensate for the mental scorched Earth that my mind had already encountered.

As for the plot and movie itself? I couldn’t really give you a review one way or the other. Once the 30 foot glowing blue penis hit the screen, my mind shut down like it had been injected with retard juice. I just sat there with soda and popcorn dribbling out of the corners of my mouth. Even the gratuitous sex scene couldn’t snap me out of it. Why? Because it was full of man butt!!!

God, I feel so dirty right now. I had high hopes that I would see some excessive Carla Gugino boob but that didn’t even happen. Most of the time she was made up to look like an old woman. I need to go grab some Hustlers, JD and coke and smoke a stogie. (And slather myself with Old Spice). Maybe, just maybe, I will get my testosterone levels back up to speed in a couple of months.

In the meantime if my posts go all gay-like for the next several weeks, you can blame it on the glowing blue penis.

This is good:

carla-gugino1

This is just wrong:

blue-penis-man


Clay Aiken To Judge “America’s Next Top Model”

February 10, 2009

There are few things in life that I care less about than Clay Aiken and the TV show “America’s Next Top Model”. However, when you add the two together, I just feel compelled to say something.

Let’s start with ANTM. Is there a more useless show on television these days? My biggest problem with this show is that it is littered with unattractive anorexic lesbians. (Ok, I just threw in the lesbian bit). Still, shouldn’t the next “Top Model” actually be pretty? Wouldn’t that at least a bit of a prerequisite?

And why in the world would any person in their right mind listen to the blathering of Tyra Banks for an hour every week? Without her boobs, she would be just another pretty woman. But when she opens her mouth, even her boobs can’t save her. It might explain why no man will have one of the most beautiful women in the world (allegedly).

And what about Clay? First of all, are we talking about the Clay Aiken I am familiar with? You want this guy to give advice on fashion? Really?

clay-aiken

Umm…ok. Clearly, my sources that told me that Clay had had the gay prayed out of him were lying. He couldn’t be more flaming if you poured a gallon of gas over his head and lit it. Don’t get me wrong, I am cool with my gay minions. It’s just that I thought that Clay had found Jesus and was on the “right” side of God. I guess not.

So, for those of you who love this show, I suspect you will love it just a little more. After all, you can never have enough judges screaming, “Oh my God! She looks fab-u-lous!!!” I guess pretty much anything passes for entertainment these days.

For my spiritual friends out there, please join me in this prayer for Clay:

“Dear Jesus, We need your help again. It seems that Clay has gone back to “smoking sausage” in spite of our best efforts to pray the gay out of him. Lord, we need you to be a little more persistent in getting Clay back on track. Father, we pray that you show Clay the value of big boobs and the mighty power of a good hoo-hoo. We think that if you could hook him up with Angelina Jolie (or a Spanish woman) just one time, he will stop coloring his hair bizarre colors and wearing fruity clothes. We pray in your name, amen”.

I don’t know if that will work but God has been known to knock out a miracle every now and then. Keep your fingers crossed!


My Main Man, Ted Haggard, Is Back! (Update)

January 27, 2009

The day I saw Ted Haggard in the movie, Jesus Camp, I knew he was speaking directly to me. He even pointed straight into the camera which is always a sure sign I am being spoken to directly.

Haggard Returns 

Wow, just looking at that picture almost has me speaking in “tongues”. Anyway, a lot of people made a big deal about Ted having a homosexual relationship and doing meth. People, wake up! Ted was just role playing so he could fully understand what he was preaching about.

Unfortunately, his congregation had a bad reaction to his behavior and he was temporarily kicked out of the church. But here is the beauty of modern religion. No matter what you do, your flock will always eventually return to you. Just look at Jimmy Swaggart. Sure, you have to start at the bottom of the food chain but so what? Good Christians understand that man is flawed and no sin is too grievous.

Plus, we now know for sure he was not really to blame for his behavior. Ted said he was molested at age 7 and that experience “started to produce fruit” at the age of 50. I am not sure if he was going for the fruit / gay connection but, either way, it was a powerful statement. Said another way, “It is not my fault!”

Although Ted cannot “officially” preach to the congregation anymore, he is instead presented as a good Christian businessman. Financially, I think Ted must be doing ok because he still lives in his 700k home in Colorado. I know that I would buy my insurance from such an honest man.

“But Tannerleah”, you might be thinking, “Should you really let a gay, drug addled man into your home?” That is a fair question. First, I often invite gay men into my home because I find them to be very neat and they always use the coasters. Most of my hetero friends are pigs. Plus, just like Clay Aiken, Ted had the gay prayed right out of him so he doesn’t swing that way anymore.

As to the drug use, I would not want a meth head in my home but I am told that Ted only occasionally hits the pipe these days. So the chances of a full on “Richard Pryor house burning to the ground” thing seems highly unlikely. Besides, if Ted can give up hot gay guys for his wife, then the drug thing is a piece of cake.

(Not to be mean to Mrs. Haggard, but I think a manly man like Ted could do better).

gayle-haggard

So, if you are looking for insurance (and maybe a first hand introduction to Jesus) give Ted a call. He was last seen at a 350 member church in Illinois which is slightly smaller than the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals of which he was previously president. But, as we learned in Theloneus 6:15, “it is better to hath given fornication to your neighbors wife and shoot-eth meth than to liveth a boring life”. Yes sir, brothers and sisters, words to live by.

UPDATE: It turns out that My Man Ted may have had sexual relations with other men. Wow. You don’t say? Who would have ever guessed such a thing? Maybe these things happened because he is GAY? That is kind of what gay people do…have gay sexual relationships.

Now we find out that the New Life Church (Ted’s former hangout) paid off a 20 year old volunteer at the church to stay quiet about his encounters with Ted. Amazingly, this is how senior pastor Brady Boyd explained the payoff to the 20 year old. “This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet.” Jesus must be so proud. They did it for the young man…not to keep the flock in the dark.

Here is the solution to all of this silliness. Ted, just go on Larry King Thursday and come out of the closet. Tell us all that you were confused about your sexuality and were struggling to get it to “fit” into your traditional Christian beliefs. 

Then tell us that you now embrace who you are and will not apologize for it. You are proudly gay and are still convinced that God loves you. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then so be it. Hold your head high.

Of course, that is not at all what is going to happen. He will remind us that he was molested as a child and has had the gay prayed right out of him. More of the same old bull crap that got him into trouble in the first place.

Be careful, Ted. If there is a God, he might find your gamesmanship tedious. And don’t forget, as you try to rebound from your “fall”, you are dragging your family through the mud with you. Something tells me a good man, Christian or not, would never to such a thing. As always, pride cometh before the fall.  


Rick Warren Revisted

January 10, 2009

I recieved a very thoughtful reply on the issue of Rick Warren providing the invocation for Barack Obama. (You may remember, I addressed this issue awhile ago).

https://stopannoyingme.wordpress.com/2008/12/18/gay-peoplerick-warren-is-not-your-problem/

I wanted to share the reply from “Obama IS America!” and then provide some follow up comments.

Comment:

ok well I am gay and I (politely) disagree with you.  My comment below kind of touches on a lot of issues, but it does explain why I think that it is totally messed up that Obama chose Rick Warren for the inaugural invocation:

If you are a progressive person living in California, Prop 8 winning stings. Its a slap in the freaking face.  I say progressive instead of gay, because progressive people in general, gay or straight understand that Prop 8 affects everybody.  People are born gay.  And those who are not born gay but end up in same gender relationships were born open to being with another human being because of the person that they are at their core, which has nothing at all to do with gender. Also, I used the term ‘progressive’, because there are a lot of forward thinking and open minded straight people out there who realize that if they have a child and their child is gay (which would not be an issue for them, because they are open minded people), then their child would not be able to marry the person that he or she truly loved and wanted to be with.  So Prop 8 affects straight people too.  Oh, and I also want to add that gay people are not colorless.  Its not like there are black, white, indian, chinese, mexican, vietnamese, and gay people.  Gay people are of ALL colors, creeds, cultures, etc.  In a state like CA where 50% of the population is non-White, you have a state where at least half of the gay people are also from ‘minority’ communities. 

Even though this is just an invocation, religion and spirituality are important to a lot of people.   The person who is chosen to bless Obama as he steps into office is important.  If you are a spiritual person, then you put some faith into ritual, because rituals and symbols help you focus your energies on something, and focusing your energies on something can lead to something really powerful.  For a person who is openly bigoted toward gay people to be giving the invocation for Obama is hurtful to all the gay people who worked hard on the Obama campaign by going to canvass in Nevada, joining the campaign, donating money to Obama, and basically giving him their time, money and energy instead of the fight against Prop H8.  People did this, because literally nobody progressive thought that Prop 8 would pass.  It probably wouldn’t have if the No on 8 campaign had done a better job, but the pretty much ran a horribly planned campaign.

Prop 8 passing made it blatantly obvious to a lot of people that there are a lot of people out there who  are really backwards thinking.  Yes, I think it is backward to be ‘against’ gay marriage.  I dont even understand how you can be against gay people.  That makes no sense to me.  How can you be against gay people? that’s like being against babies, or against tall people.  Gay people exist.  They always have, and they always will, no matter how much hate is directed toward them.  Gay people have been around in every society and culture.  Regardless of what some gay hating person out there in the world thinks, I will continue to be who I am, love my partner, live with her, cherish her, build a home and family with her, etc.  If someone out there thinks that is weird, well frankly, I could care less.  Gay haters become problematic, however, when they get to vote on my life.  They don’t know me.  They will never know me.  And because they hate this idea of ‘gay’ they think they can hate me too.  But this to me is a bunch of bullsh***.  So, when Prop 8 passed, people all around the state felt like Wow–the people of California dont’ know me or care about my life whatsoever, except for the fact that they have this idea in their heads about gay being bad, and so they vote against it.  Well we pay taxes, we work hard, we vote, why should our abilities to take part in social norms that are important to us too be less than another person?  I mean, marriage shouldn’t even be regulated by the state, but it is, so why should my being able to be married depend on the vote of some person out there?

Maybe if Prop 8 had never been on the ballot and Obama had chosen Rick Warren, it would have been a different issue.  But the fact is that Prop 8 passed and there are many people that are hurting.  It is just totally insulting.

America is super religious.  Many Americans are Christian, but not all Americans, and this is not an officially Christian country.  Rick Warren is a bigot.  Obviously Obama would never in a million years have picked a Hindu, Jew, Buddhist, or god forbid a Muslim. But, even within the pool of Christians, there are PLENTY of non-bigoted pastors out there.  Where did you get your estimate of 90% that you cited? Did you make that statistic up?  That is not good journalism.  But my point is here that why couldn’t Obama have picked someone less to the Right?  In this big giant diverse country full of all sorts of faiths, I find it difficult to believe that he couldn’t have found someone closer to the center to do the invocation.

So yeah, I think its messed up that Obama chose Rick Warren, and I think it is disrespectful to a lot of people.  Its not a huge deal, and I still look forward to his Presidency with hope and all of that, but I think it is messed up and I think he should be criticized for it.  I don’t understand why we have to keep pandering to the Right.  The future is progression and open-mindedness.  This is inevitable, and it is what our Constitution was founded on.  To think otherwise would be unpatriotic, I think.

And my last comment is that I find it totally ridiculous that mainstream society can accept War, death and destruction as a part of life.  We say that it has always been around and always been a part of society.  It is necessary, etc. (see John McCain’s speeches).  But gay people have always been present in society, and in EVERY society, even if they have soemtiems or often existed at the fringes.  But what is being gay? All that it is is love.  It is one person loving another person, and being attracted to someone of the same gender.  Why?  Well, because they prefer the way their own gender looks, thinks, feels.  I think that the reasons a person enjoys same gender relationships is comparable to why someone would enjoy being in a relationship with someone of the same culture, race, religion, etc.  You have certain ways of thinking and experiencing things in common.  In a same gender relationship, you get to be around your same energy – I like being around women, I like the feminine energy/vibe/whatever you call it.  I prefer it to masculine energy.  Not saying masculine is bad, I just personally prefer feminine. 

So that’s it.  Thanks for reading this comment.

Response:

This is the kind of eloquent statement that should have been used to argue the Prop 8 point in the first place. The core point, as I see it, is the fundamental issue of treating people fairly and humanely regardless of disposition. I too am a believer that people are born gay and have already laid that challenge out in a previous post. https://stopannoyingme.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/could-you-be-gay-for-a-day/

As to the 90% number I used…yes, completely fabricated. If you read other work of mine, you will see I can be occasionally lazy in my research. I justify that by the fact that this is just a blog and no one in their right mind should come here looking for the “truth”. However, it has turned in to a decent place to find disparate opinions. For me, that is the most enjoyable part.

One last thing on Prop 8, or any other piece of legislation out there. When the masses are counted on to make a choice, their decision needs to be respected. It doesn’t mean it was correct but, for that moment in time, it should stand. That is democracy at its finest. The burden is now on the “progressive” community to educate people. Is it fair that they have this burden in the first place? Of course not. But, as we have seen throughout history, this is how we move forward.

As to Barry’s choice of Rick Warren, he was clearly in a no win situation. I am confident that whomever he selected would have agitated someone. Only Billy Graham might have risen above that kind of reproach but he represents the past, not the future. Warren, and this might be the scary part for you, actually does tend to resemble the “middle” of America today. I would say he is second only to Joel Osteen in that respect.

Let me stray a little from your comments. Obama has already shown he is willing to compromise on major issues. I am most disturbed by his backing off of the end of the war in Iraq. As I watched the debut of the USS George H W Bush this morning, I was so proud to see the young men and women in the Navy representing this country. They are at a very exciting moment in their lives and I remember feeling the same way when I was newly enlisted. I truly hope that Obama does not take their allegiance for granted and protects them as fiercely as humanly possible. They deserve that. War is not a game, it is not a sport, it is not “clean”, and rarely can it be described a “victory”. Barry has shown a tendency to pander a bit and this makes me very nervous. Each week I read the names of those that died in Iraq and Afghanistan. Whether it is 2 names or 50 on the list, I am equally saddened. I take no solace that less people are getting killed. If even one person is killed, it is a massive tragedy. I only wish that the outpouring of grief shown for the passing of Jett Travolta was equally shown to each and every one of our service men and women.

Sorry for the rant but I guess the point is we all have skin in the game on a variety of subjects. Like you, I hope that Obama can answer the bell. As always, time will tell.  


Gay People…Rick Warren Is Not Your Problem

December 18, 2008

I understand that gays are not happy with the fact that Warren does not support gay marriage but why all of the vitriol? About 90% of other Christian pastors feel exactly the same way. Do you think if Barry was still on good terms with Jeremiah Wright that he would be singing the praises of the gay community? Look, they had to pick someone so Warren is as good as anyone else that is available. (Except for Jerry Falwell but that ship has sailed).

I realize that every group wants Obama to cater to their specific needs but I think he has shown that he is not going to do it. I appreciate that part of him rather than see it as a bad thing. Most politicians whore themselves to every group out there and then completely renege on their promises. Barry just tried to pick a guy that spoke to the masses. Like it or not, Warren is just such a guy.

Besides that, who cares who delivers the invocation? If you had a gay priest do it, do you think that the voters in California would all of the sudden change their minds and support gay marriage? Of course not. The gay community must simply make the case that this is a civil rights issue and do it in a calm and positive manner. When and if you can get straight people to see it through a civil rights prism, I have little doubt that the legislation will be passed…as it should. So settle your strident selves down and be nice.

Let me change course for a moment. While I was trying to research Rick Warren and his Brokeback Church, I visited a number of forums to see what people were saying. Here is what I found on one site:

chubby

In the immortal words of John McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!” C’mon my gay peeps, Gay Chubby Dating? Are you kidding? Is there also a Gay Slightly Thin Dating site or possibly the Gay Morbidly Obese Dating venue? This is the kind of stuff Bible thumpers see that makes them convinced that the “end days” are near. (At least those Bible thumpers that lurk on gay message boards).

Sorry I got off target but seeing that ad was, without question, the highlight of my day. I thought this ad was going to be my highlight but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Chubby thing.

exgays

You see? No need to change the marriage laws because, as it turns out, you gays are apparently just going through a phase. A little prayer and then, BANG! You ladies will be getting busy with Chubby Don in no time!

Back to my original point. Let the Pastor Rick thing go. Spend your energy on asking the real question to your Bible carrying brethren, “Why am I any less of a human being than you?” There is no answer and, if you ask the question often enough, I think you will make the progress you are hoping to make.

Glad I could solve this problem and you are welcome for my help. Now, I am off to surf for Chubby Lipstick Lesbian Dating!


Don’t Forget To “Call In Gay” Tomorrow

December 9, 2008

That’s right, tomorrow is the national “Day Without a Gay” protest. This is a new effort to bring attention to the struggles of gays and lesbians throughout the world. It is also suggested that, in conjunction with “calling in gay”,  people do charity work tomorrow and try to minimize spending. This effort will, hopefully, show the intellectual and financial power of the gay community.

So, simply put, anyone that does not show up to work tomorrow is gay. Put away your “gaydar” because you won’t need it…at least for one day. It is safe to say that Clay Aiken and other gay performers will have the day off. However, keep your eye on the less obvious gay performers. For instance, if Anderson Cooper doesn’t do his show tomorrow it will verify what many of us already know.

Also, this will help you identify your gay co-workers. Not so you can be hostile towards them but it could help you with Christmas shopping. Maybe a nice scarf for a gentleman instead of some macho crap. For the ladies, a nice flannel shirt. (The lesbians LOVE the flannel).

Lastly, if YOU don’t show up to work tomorrow, you can finally come to terms with all of those conflicting feelings you have had. You know ladies, the way you look longingly at Lindsay Lohan or, for you guys, that handsome Michael Phelps. Don’t fight your urge, at least for the day. Embrace your gayness.

Of course, on Thursday, if you feel dirty about yourself and regret what you did the night before with your neighbor Felix, you need to head straight to your local church where you can get the gay prayed straight out of you. It is a venal sin so you should be ok with a few Hail Marys.

Also, for guys at least, you might walk funny for a few days. That is normal. You will have probably used muscles on “gay day” that you have not used before. This should clear itself up. However, like an erection for my than 48 hours, continued pain should be attented to by a doctor…particularly if you think there is a chance that anything was “left behind”. (A ferret, for instance).

I wish you all a happy “Day Without a Gay” tomorrow. I hope you truly appreciate what our gay brothers and lesbian sisters bring to our communities. In many ways, they have brought color to an otherwise black and white world. As for me, I will see you all on Thursday! Big hug and kisses!!!

happy


“Manscaping” And Other Gay Things Straight Men Do.

November 19, 2008

I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow and I was thinking about the fact that they are going to shave part of my stomach. I was thinking that it might be an odd look but that I would just let it grow back and not try to shave more to “even it up”. (Oh, if you must know, I am having penis reduction surgery. I am just tired of carrying all of the extra weight. It makes my back hunch over).

Anyway, as I was considering this, the term “manscaping” popped into my head. I think I had heard something about this on TV. This is where perfectly straight men shave their nether regions for some reason. I thought this was only for porn stars to make their ding dings look bigger but apparently other men are doing it as well. Here is a word of advice…Stop It!!! God put hair there to keep your little soldiers warm so that when they go to battle, they are in tip top condition.

If your junk is shaved like one of those ugly, wrinkly dogs or the loose skin on an uncooked chicken, you are going against Mother Nature, Also, did i mention that the practice is completely gay? If you must do something, trim the hedges a bit. This is still effeminate but probably ok. If you shape your hedges into your initials, you have definitely crossed over to the other side.

Besides the ridiculous “manscaping” problem, I was also told yesterday that there are actually adult men that sit down to urinate. Are you kidding me? Again, God gave you a specific tool to use and you are completely abusing it…and not in a good “Sarah Palin” way. For the love of Buddha, stand up when you have to take a whiz. How lazy must you be to have to sit down for a 30 second pit stop.

Also, if you are standing because your wife complains about “missing the toilet”, tell her to get over it!. First, we can’t help if there is back splash. It is just part of the deal. Plus, invariably, us men will usually take a few steps backward as we are relieving ourselves to see how far our “stream” can fly. It is kind of a scientific experiment. The other thing is we seem to have several tubes inside our ding dings. This means that, even though our aim is true, the stream may come out at a right angle. We will auto correct quickly but the wall next to the toilet is probably going to take a small hit.

Lastly, all of you guys getting manicures and pedicures, stop it. How can you even look yourself in the mirror after you have your cuticles pushed back? Have you no self respect at all? We are men and men do manly things. That means we have jacked up fingernails and toenails. It is part of the natural order. And God help you if you are getting clear lacquer put on your nails. You might as well put a rainbow sticker on your car and start learning the lyrics to every Bette Midler song because you have seriously crossed over.

I hope I have been helpful and i hope that men go back to being men. If this is the last blog I write because Jesus smites me for being such a di**head to him, it has been a pleasure. If he chooses to let me live to fight another day, I should be back in a few days. Feel free to fire up a fatty in my honor.

Peace, Tannerleah


Obama Bringing Back Clinton Cronies.

November 10, 2008

What happened to all of the “change” that was supposed to happen? First, Rahm Emanuel and now John Podesta are added to the “new” team. Soon we will be reading that George Stephanopoulos is back in the gang. The only Clinton crony I would be ok seeing is Janet Reno. Mmmm….Janet. What man doesn’t tingle for her?

 

 

janet

 

When I was envisioning Barry’s new team, I thought it would truly be “new” people. Not just a bunch of rehashed Washington insiders who play politics for a living. We have gone that route many times and it always results in the same old policies and political bickering

 

I have already mentioned that Chuck Norris should be the Secretary of Defense. Here are some of my other choices.

 

Secretary of State – Pam Beasley from “The Office”. She is an awesome secretary plus she is hot in that “I don’t know I’m hot” way.

 

Department of the Interior – Flava Flav. Have you seen his house on Cribs? Flav knows how to put an interior together. Plus, free clocks for everyone! (Although you do have to wear them around your neck).

 

Homeland Security Chief. – Hannibal Lecter. I don’t know where he is hanging these days but I know that no one would ever mess with him, or us. Fava beans indeed.

 

Department of Health – Snoop Dog. He is in good shape, lean and knows every drug ever created. Plus, he does not seem to be a Bogart.

 

EPA – No one is better in protecting the environment than Aquaman. He can talk to the fishes plus has the ability to walk on land. He is also good friends with all of the other Super Heroes and doesn’t have the crappy attitude of say, Batman. (Yeah Bruce, we get it. You are full of angst. Enough already)

 

Token Republican appointment – Sarah Palin. Really, was there ever any doubt? Her main job will be to buy clothes and look good. (Barry might need to impose a slight tax increase…her stuff isn’t cheap) Plus, she can keep talking about hockey moms, pigs with lipstick, ACORN, etc. and I get to keep the tissue makers in the black. Did I mention she is still a Maverick?

 

So there is my list, Barry. Obviously, it is way better than yours so if you need to steal some of my selections, feel free to do so. And no, my gay friends, I did not ignore you. I will have a new department. The “Back Door” Negotiation Team. It will be headed up by one of our most famous and popular gays, George Clooney.

 

Sorry Joe “the Di**head” Plumber. No job for you on Barry’s team. Oh, and pay your damned taxes!

 

If you would like to add to my list, please feel free to do so.