Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

January 27, 2012

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL

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Did I Win A Golden Globe?

January 12, 2009

I only ask because I fell asleep during the show. Something about the speeches makes me sleepy. Maybe because they all say they are “shocked” to win in spite of the fact that they were 1 of 5 people in the entire world that stood a chance. That seems like pretty good odds. If they said, “George Clooney, congratulations! You just hit the Powerball!” I could see where there might be some surprise.

Anyway, I was not “technically” nominated but I thought I might get one of the lesser awards like “key grip” or “donut dude”. I didn’t actually do either of those jobs but sometimes people make mistakes. I wanted to win so I could send the Golden Globe to one of those places on TV that buy your gold. Getting my teeth filled with gold and then pulling them out and sending them in to be melted is leading to negative cash flow.

Did anyone see Susan Sarandon? The last time I saw her was on Rescue Me and, I must tell you, the thrill was gone. She used to be on my “top 5 hottest women” list for the longest time. Sadly, I had to retire her and replace her with someone under 60. Then, last night, she showed up looking like this:

HBO Golden Globes After-Party

Now, I am not saying she is back in the top 5, but I think it is reasonable for me to have her on my “injured reserve” list. My only hope is that whatever work she might have had done was eco-friendly. Maybe moss injections instead of Botox, for instance.

I guess I need to watch that movie, “Snoopdog Millionaire”. To be honest, I am not much of a rap guy but everyone swears it is an awesome movie. I have seen Snoop play a pimp in a wheelchair before so I know he has some acting skilz. Maybe I will also see the Notorious BIG movie that is coming out. It will probably win next year.

By the way, I have seen “The Wrestler” and Mickey Rourke was ok. However, Marisa Tomei is nothing less than spectacular as the stripper with the golden heart. It made me wonder why I never met that type of stripper when I was younger. You know, the kind like Demi Moore, or Marisa, or that woman with the big horse smile. They were going to college or looking to improve their lives somehow. The strippers I met were just looking for their next meth or crack hit. (Maybe I should have went to a strip club with a cover charge).

Anyway, congrats to those who won. Hopefully, I will be getting my Golden Globe by Fed-Ex in the next day or two. I would like to thank all of you that made it possible. I know I should be thanking Jesus for my possible victory but he always gets the credit. However, if I lose, I am definitely blaming Jesus…it’s only fair.