Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

February 26, 2009

I came across a lovely story about a guy that works in the morgue and has sex with cadavers. Now, I am not judging the man because we have all had such thoughts at one point or another. However, now that I am closer to death than ever before, the thoughts of Bubba ram rodding my bloated corpse is slightly unappealing.

I used to think of it like the Tom Petty video where he stole Kim Basinger… Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I think. It had sort of an eerie beauty to it. (And yes, if Kim Basinger had just died, pretty much any guy would hit that. You can hate if you want but you know I speak the truth). Also, I think dead bodies should have a “5 second” rule like food. If a beautiful woman just dies of, say, a heart attack, would it be wrong to be romantic with her? I think not.


You would absolutely do it!

Anyway, Kenneth Douglas has kind of ruined it for me. He did little more than rape a dead body. That’s not cool. No romance, no dancing, no walking along the ocean like Tom Petty did. Let me tell you something, if he had done that to me, I would have…well, nothing. Cuz, after all, I would already be dead. But my spirit in the sky (“that’s where I’m gonna go when I die” – You’re welcome) is going to be really pi**ed.

What makes it worse is that having sex with a corpse only lands you 18 months in jail, max. Of course since he did this to a minimum of 3 women, he is kind of racking up the years.

So, knowing that my awesome body could be a boy toy to some perv when I die, I am considering being burned or melted or whatever they do when they cremate you. It just seems against Allah to destroy such a perfect creation. (I am pretty sure he is still mad at me for having my super big thingy made smaller).


Ok. After thinking about this for 30 seconds, I am NOT going to be cremated. It is just wrong. If God wanted us to be cremated, he would have made fire. (And we know he didn’t…either Martians or cavemen did).  So I am just going to let the worms have their way with me. From asses to asses, musk to musk.

One word of warning to any potential pervs out there. Before I die, I will booby trap all of my orifices with really, really painful traps. I don’t just mean my mouth and pooper either. ALL orifices! Consider yourself warned.

(Dear organ donation people, be very careful when you gut me. Sorry for the additional risk. Yours truly, TL)

Family Barbecues Mom

October 15, 2008

Just when I start to lose hope in all mankind, I read a heartwarming story that lifts my spirits and makes everything in the world right again.

84 year old Ramona Allmond apparently passed away recently. Her desire was to die at home and be cremated. Well, it seems the dying at home part happened without much incident. So far, so good. Unfortunately, the Allmond family does not have a lot of money so how to meet the second part of her request was a bit of a challenge.

The wholesome, handsome man above is Ramona’s grandson, Tony Ray. Tony, being the intellectual genius that he is solved the cremation problem with impressive creativity. Tony and Ramona’s daughter Kathleen put Ramona into the BBQ pit and cremated her. It is unclear if they made smores at the same time but I do understand they sang Kumbaya over and over.

Granted, they had left her on the bedroom floor for a week before the cremation but great ideas often take time to come together. Also, I guess in honor of Ramona, they continued to cash her monthly retirement checks to the tune of $25,000. If you are a cynic, this might look bad.

Naturally, cynical law enforcement officials arrested Tony and Kathleen and charged them with embezzlement, elder abuse and disposing of a body without a permit. My suspicion is that this is another example of profiling and holding the average guy down. How could you not believe the story of a man that has a tattoo of a bucket on his forehead? That just screams honesty!

Anyway, if you are planning to start a home cremation service (and believe me, I have strongly considered it) make sure you get the stupid permit first. You don’t need “the man” breathing down your neck. And if you want to roast some hot dogs and make some smores, more power to you. (I understand cremation creates a fine hickory taste).

Who Gets To Choose?

July 20, 2008

My wife and I agree on most things but there is one subject that she annoys me with. It is the question of what to do with the body when one of us dies.

My feeling is that once you die, you get no say in the matter. After all, you are dead. What are you going to do about it? Besides, the ceremonial disposal of the body has much more to do with those that are left grieving after your passing. The living are the ones left to cope and whatever helps them get through it in the least amount of pain is the way they should go. If a parade would make them feel better, then have a parade. Freeze the head like Walt Disney? Knock yourself out.

My wife, on the other hand, feels that the person that dies gets to make the choice. She refers to it as “honoring their wishes”. So, if the recently departed said that they want to be cremated, then that’s what should happen. Regardless of the beliefs and desires of those left behind. Obviously, and I think all of you would agree, this is incredibly selfish and reflects with crystal clarity the current “me” generation.

Those of you that know me realize that I am known mostly for 2 things. First, being a “people person” and second, being a “giver”. It’s just who I am and I can’t help myself. I hope in spite of my selflessness, I can convince my wife that the needs of the present outweigh the needs of the past (passed).

So, while I hope that all of us live a long, healthy and prosperous life, please do not make demands on those that you will someday leave behind. Give them the freedom to do what they think is right and let them know you support that position. It’s the right thing to do.

One last note, when I die under no circumstances am I to be burned beyond all recognition (euphemistically called “cremation”). That is against God and you will burn in hell if you do it. Amen.