Happy Veterans Day! (Except For The Gays)

November 11, 2009

I wouldn’t want to get our gay servicemen and women in trouble by acknowledging them. They need to stay in the closet where Jesus and Uncle Sam put them. Remember…“don’t ask, don’t tell”.

It used to be “don’t show, don’t tell” because the gay men have a tendency to be showing their junk off all of the time and the lesbians were relentlessly flashing themselves. However, once that problem was eradicated, they went to the new phrase.

It is reported that about 13,000 gays have been kicked out of the military for, I assume, either asking or telling. I don’t know what they asked but it must have been bad to get booted. Maybe they said something like, “Do you want tossed salad with your meatloaf?” You know; something really offensive.

In an interesting development, the Mormon Church has beaten the US Government in accepting gays. They are supporting legislation in Utah that says that gays are essentially equal to non-gays and are entitled to similar protections. Of course, it goes without saying that this does not include marriage. They haven’t completely lost their minds.

So, the military remains one of the last true bastions for us hetero men. When I served some years ago, I could be confident that the other guys with me in the shower were just as manly as me. When we sang songs from A Chorus Line and soaped each others backs, it was in a really macho way. No queers here, thank you very much.

It is nice to know that there are still no gays in the military. How could we tolerate guys running around saying, “Want to polish my gun?” all day long? Or women wearing flannel instead of their required uniforms? Do you really want Clay Aiken leading the troops? I imagine his speech would not be quite Patton-esque.

 “When we land against the enemy, don’t forget to hit him and hit him hard. Of course, I don’t literally mean “hit him”. Use your words. Say mean things about the way their uniform fits or the way the colors clash. I know it will come across as bitchy but war is hell. When they try to surrender, don’t let them. Tell them that you have way too hectic of a schedule to take on visitors. Plus, where would we put them? I can barely fit all of my costumes uniforms in my tent as it is. I have a lot more stuff to say but these boots are absolutely killing me. Toodles!”

Thanks to all of our veterans for all you have done and will continue to do. We are proud of you…all of you.


Seen Any Good Gay Exorcism Videos Lately?

June 25, 2009

Apparently, there was one floating around YouTube recently that was quite entertaining. Here is how the AP reported it: 

The video shows the 16-year-old boy lying on the floor, his body convulsing, as elders of a small Connecticut church cast a “homosexual demon” from his body.

“Rip it from his throat!” a woman yells. “Come on, you homosexual demon! You homosexual spirit, we call you out right now! Loose your grip, Lucifer!”

Aren’t religious people just precious when they do this kind of stuff? I wonder if they painted a big scarlet letter “G” on his chest just to make it more official. The article doesn’t say whether they got that big queer Lucifer out of the young man but my guess is that they did not.

By the way, when did Lucifer become gay? I know he is all evil and mean and everything but I never knew he was into dudes. Maybe this is the real reason he and Jesus didn’t get along? (“For God’s sake Lucifer, I am not going to rub oil on your back! And put your pointed thingy back into your pants”)

Later in the article, it mentions that the devil disciple throws up in a bag. With ever quick thinking, one of the zealots yelled, “Get another bag, make sure you have your gloves.” Because you definitely don’t want to get gay puke on your hands. That stuff just doesn’t come off. 

How is this crap even possible in this day and age? How are these adults not responsible for what is simply criminal behavior? Does the fact that the crime is couched in religion absolve these idiots of any responsibility? And, as usual, where the hell are the parents? 

What really frosts my a** is that everyone knows that exorcisms don’t work on gays. It was already tried on Clay Aiken and was a miserable failure. You have to say a certain chant like, “I pray the gay away from you today” seven times and then sprinkle holy water and wafers over their head. This is kindergarten stuff. Stupid splinter religions. 

If any of you come across this video, please be so kind to post a link. I need to know what these lunatics look like so I can run when I see them. 

 Be afraid…be very afraid


Am I Gay If I Still Love Freddie Mercury?

March 15, 2009

I must admit…I am sitting here on another Sunday morning listening to Fred sing about a variety of subjects. Of course, I have heard all of these songs many, many times over the years so there is really nothing new to be heard. Still, I keep coming back for more after 25 years of listening to Queen. I have love for Brian and Roger too (not so much for John) but Freddie is the man. Albeit a gay man.

So, maybe I have some sort of recessed gay gene in me that attracts me to the music. Granted, I don’t much care for other gay singers so I might just as likely be fascinated by his ginormous teeth or porn stache (which I have already admitted having a fascination with although I no longer wear one). I shouldn’t be troubled by this love for Queen music but, somehow I am.

Do you remember when you found out that Billy Squier was gay? Do you remember how dirty you felt after singing “The Stroke” thousands of time without knowing what he really meant? For those of you too young to remember, let me rewind the clock a little. Billy came out of Boston with a great pop rock sound. He was writing rock anthem after rock anthem and then “the video” came out. Oh…my…God. It even made Clay Aiken and Boy George blush. Here it is:

(You are probably going to need to take a shower to wash the gay off of you. Go ahead….I’ll wait.)

So, if other gay artists are not my cup of tea, why am I so fascinated by Freddie? The easy answer is his tremendous talent but that doesn’t quite fill the bill. I love Tom Petty, James Taylor and Lemmy from Motörhead but am not obsessed with those guys. I will tell you a secret, just between you and I. When Fred died all those years ago my eyes filled with tears. (This from a man who is frequently questioned about whether or not I actually have tear ducts). When Ben Orr from The Cars or other rock and roll stars die, I am saddened but not completely bummed out like when Freddie died.

So, please let me know if I should buy a rainbow sticker for my car or plan to march in a gay pride parade. I really don’t want to but maybe I owe it to my suppressed gay side. Of course, if it is just a fascination with a talented musician, I would feel a hell of a lot better about it. I know that makes me shallow but I am fairly confident we have already sussed that fact out many months ago.

I miss you Freddie. In a completely hetero and masculine way.

freddie-mercury


Watchmen – Worst Movie Ever

March 7, 2009

That’s right, it was absolutely horrible. You may be wondering what could possibly have spurred me to a) write a movie review and b) write it with such negativity? Two words pretty much explain the main problem I had with this movie…blue penis.

Actually, I should probably say it in three words…glowing blue penis. There is a character in the movie who is kind of a kinetic blue (if such a thing exists) and the vast majority of the time, he is buck naked. I don’t know about you but I have no interest in seeing man junk once, let alone several times in a movie. Now, to be fair, he had a pretty large thingy and it was nice looking if you are into that. However, it is quite clear that the director was loving him some man meat.

What agitated me is that he didn’t need to have his junk out all of the time. There are a few scenes where he is wearing a black thong. Well, WTF?…make up your mind. Why not just keep his knob in the banana hammock and save the majority of men in the audience this homoerotic experience? When I want to go gay, I will just crank me up some Clay Aiken and stare at George Clooney posters.

There was also an unbelievable amount of man butt in the movie. Obviously, blue man had his buns out constantly. Also, there were other guy(s) doing it. I couldn’t keep count so it may have been two or ten. I just sat there thinking I would never be able to chop wood in my life again. My God, the humanity of it all. The director did throw in one or two token boobs but hardly enough to compensate for the mental scorched Earth that my mind had already encountered.

As for the plot and movie itself? I couldn’t really give you a review one way or the other. Once the 30 foot glowing blue penis hit the screen, my mind shut down like it had been injected with retard juice. I just sat there with soda and popcorn dribbling out of the corners of my mouth. Even the gratuitous sex scene couldn’t snap me out of it. Why? Because it was full of man butt!!!

God, I feel so dirty right now. I had high hopes that I would see some excessive Carla Gugino boob but that didn’t even happen. Most of the time she was made up to look like an old woman. I need to go grab some Hustlers, JD and coke and smoke a stogie. (And slather myself with Old Spice). Maybe, just maybe, I will get my testosterone levels back up to speed in a couple of months.

In the meantime if my posts go all gay-like for the next several weeks, you can blame it on the glowing blue penis.

This is good:

carla-gugino1

This is just wrong:

blue-penis-man


Clay Aiken To Judge “America’s Next Top Model”

February 10, 2009

There are few things in life that I care less about than Clay Aiken and the TV show “America’s Next Top Model”. However, when you add the two together, I just feel compelled to say something.

Let’s start with ANTM. Is there a more useless show on television these days? My biggest problem with this show is that it is littered with unattractive anorexic lesbians. (Ok, I just threw in the lesbian bit). Still, shouldn’t the next “Top Model” actually be pretty? Wouldn’t that at least a bit of a prerequisite?

And why in the world would any person in their right mind listen to the blathering of Tyra Banks for an hour every week? Without her boobs, she would be just another pretty woman. But when she opens her mouth, even her boobs can’t save her. It might explain why no man will have one of the most beautiful women in the world (allegedly).

And what about Clay? First of all, are we talking about the Clay Aiken I am familiar with? You want this guy to give advice on fashion? Really?

clay-aiken

Umm…ok. Clearly, my sources that told me that Clay had had the gay prayed out of him were lying. He couldn’t be more flaming if you poured a gallon of gas over his head and lit it. Don’t get me wrong, I am cool with my gay minions. It’s just that I thought that Clay had found Jesus and was on the “right” side of God. I guess not.

So, for those of you who love this show, I suspect you will love it just a little more. After all, you can never have enough judges screaming, “Oh my God! She looks fab-u-lous!!!” I guess pretty much anything passes for entertainment these days.

For my spiritual friends out there, please join me in this prayer for Clay:

“Dear Jesus, We need your help again. It seems that Clay has gone back to “smoking sausage” in spite of our best efforts to pray the gay out of him. Lord, we need you to be a little more persistent in getting Clay back on track. Father, we pray that you show Clay the value of big boobs and the mighty power of a good hoo-hoo. We think that if you could hook him up with Angelina Jolie (or a Spanish woman) just one time, he will stop coloring his hair bizarre colors and wearing fruity clothes. We pray in your name, amen”.

I don’t know if that will work but God has been known to knock out a miracle every now and then. Keep your fingers crossed!


My Main Man, Ted Haggard, Is Back! (Update)

January 27, 2009

The day I saw Ted Haggard in the movie, Jesus Camp, I knew he was speaking directly to me. He even pointed straight into the camera which is always a sure sign I am being spoken to directly.

Haggard Returns 

Wow, just looking at that picture almost has me speaking in “tongues”. Anyway, a lot of people made a big deal about Ted having a homosexual relationship and doing meth. People, wake up! Ted was just role playing so he could fully understand what he was preaching about.

Unfortunately, his congregation had a bad reaction to his behavior and he was temporarily kicked out of the church. But here is the beauty of modern religion. No matter what you do, your flock will always eventually return to you. Just look at Jimmy Swaggart. Sure, you have to start at the bottom of the food chain but so what? Good Christians understand that man is flawed and no sin is too grievous.

Plus, we now know for sure he was not really to blame for his behavior. Ted said he was molested at age 7 and that experience “started to produce fruit” at the age of 50. I am not sure if he was going for the fruit / gay connection but, either way, it was a powerful statement. Said another way, “It is not my fault!”

Although Ted cannot “officially” preach to the congregation anymore, he is instead presented as a good Christian businessman. Financially, I think Ted must be doing ok because he still lives in his 700k home in Colorado. I know that I would buy my insurance from such an honest man.

“But Tannerleah”, you might be thinking, “Should you really let a gay, drug addled man into your home?” That is a fair question. First, I often invite gay men into my home because I find them to be very neat and they always use the coasters. Most of my hetero friends are pigs. Plus, just like Clay Aiken, Ted had the gay prayed right out of him so he doesn’t swing that way anymore.

As to the drug use, I would not want a meth head in my home but I am told that Ted only occasionally hits the pipe these days. So the chances of a full on “Richard Pryor house burning to the ground” thing seems highly unlikely. Besides, if Ted can give up hot gay guys for his wife, then the drug thing is a piece of cake.

(Not to be mean to Mrs. Haggard, but I think a manly man like Ted could do better).

gayle-haggard

So, if you are looking for insurance (and maybe a first hand introduction to Jesus) give Ted a call. He was last seen at a 350 member church in Illinois which is slightly smaller than the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals of which he was previously president. But, as we learned in Theloneus 6:15, “it is better to hath given fornication to your neighbors wife and shoot-eth meth than to liveth a boring life”. Yes sir, brothers and sisters, words to live by.

UPDATE: It turns out that My Man Ted may have had sexual relations with other men. Wow. You don’t say? Who would have ever guessed such a thing? Maybe these things happened because he is GAY? That is kind of what gay people do…have gay sexual relationships.

Now we find out that the New Life Church (Ted’s former hangout) paid off a 20 year old volunteer at the church to stay quiet about his encounters with Ted. Amazingly, this is how senior pastor Brady Boyd explained the payoff to the 20 year old. “This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet.” Jesus must be so proud. They did it for the young man…not to keep the flock in the dark.

Here is the solution to all of this silliness. Ted, just go on Larry King Thursday and come out of the closet. Tell us all that you were confused about your sexuality and were struggling to get it to “fit” into your traditional Christian beliefs. 

Then tell us that you now embrace who you are and will not apologize for it. You are proudly gay and are still convinced that God loves you. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then so be it. Hold your head high.

Of course, that is not at all what is going to happen. He will remind us that he was molested as a child and has had the gay prayed right out of him. More of the same old bull crap that got him into trouble in the first place.

Be careful, Ted. If there is a God, he might find your gamesmanship tedious. And don’t forget, as you try to rebound from your “fall”, you are dragging your family through the mud with you. Something tells me a good man, Christian or not, would never to such a thing. As always, pride cometh before the fall.  


Why All Of The “Gay” Teenage Hazing?

January 22, 2009

There is yet another court case underway where football players are alleged to have sodomized several young players with a broom stick. Three students from Robertson High School in Las Vegas, NM made these claims in court this morning. This hearing will determine if five students will be charged as adults in these crimes. (A sixth, Jarek Padilla, already admitted guilt to rape and conspiracy in exchange for being charged as a minor. Note to other 5 guys…this is a bad sign for you. Take the plea while you can).

The 3 kids that were sodomized were 14 years old. In another telling sign, the coaching staff has already resigned. If the 5 did do this, then I hope they are tried as adults and fully prosecuted. It is unacceptable…except in prison. (And, even then, it is frowned upon). They also allegedly used the phrase, “who’s your daddy”. Wow, they are not only pervs, they are also short bus graduates. What clever repartee.  

When did high school athletes turn to this form of gay hazing? Another common form of hazing is “tea bagging” someone. That is simply the act of laying your scrotum on someone else’s face. (Sorry ladies, no such luck for you. Maybe clam diving?)

Now we have the broom handle situation which has happened several times across the country over the last few years. What happened to smearing shaving cream into a guy’s face? Or putting his hand in warm water while he slept? Or any other of a variety of relatively harmless tactics? Why would you want to put your junk in another guy’s face. That just reeks of gayness. How does that fit the macho football player stereotype? I can see Clay Aiken doing it but a football player? Makes no sense.

Also, how is ramming a stick up someone’s butt in any way funny? What am I missing? I can understand that it is cruel, demeaning, brutal, and a power trip…but funny? I don’t see it. Something is really wrong with these kids. As in serious mental issues. If they weren’t young men, I might almost feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, they are old enough to be responsible for their actions and must be held accountable.

And why are the coached not being held accountable? Do you honestly think that they don’t know that this stuff is going on? Of course they do. They should be standing right next to the five that are being charged. Resigning is not at all a commensurate punishment.

Football guys, please stop being gay. If you want to haze, fine, just keep it funny and safe. If you must do something homo-erotic, paint the guys nails while he is sleeping and slap some makeup on him. But for the love of God, keep your junk in your pants and stay away from his “brown eye”.


Don’t Forget To “Call In Gay” Tomorrow

December 9, 2008

That’s right, tomorrow is the national “Day Without a Gay” protest. This is a new effort to bring attention to the struggles of gays and lesbians throughout the world. It is also suggested that, in conjunction with “calling in gay”,  people do charity work tomorrow and try to minimize spending. This effort will, hopefully, show the intellectual and financial power of the gay community.

So, simply put, anyone that does not show up to work tomorrow is gay. Put away your “gaydar” because you won’t need it…at least for one day. It is safe to say that Clay Aiken and other gay performers will have the day off. However, keep your eye on the less obvious gay performers. For instance, if Anderson Cooper doesn’t do his show tomorrow it will verify what many of us already know.

Also, this will help you identify your gay co-workers. Not so you can be hostile towards them but it could help you with Christmas shopping. Maybe a nice scarf for a gentleman instead of some macho crap. For the ladies, a nice flannel shirt. (The lesbians LOVE the flannel).

Lastly, if YOU don’t show up to work tomorrow, you can finally come to terms with all of those conflicting feelings you have had. You know ladies, the way you look longingly at Lindsay Lohan or, for you guys, that handsome Michael Phelps. Don’t fight your urge, at least for the day. Embrace your gayness.

Of course, on Thursday, if you feel dirty about yourself and regret what you did the night before with your neighbor Felix, you need to head straight to your local church where you can get the gay prayed straight out of you. It is a venal sin so you should be ok with a few Hail Marys.

Also, for guys at least, you might walk funny for a few days. That is normal. You will have probably used muscles on “gay day” that you have not used before. This should clear itself up. However, like an erection for my than 48 hours, continued pain should be attented to by a doctor…particularly if you think there is a chance that anything was “left behind”. (A ferret, for instance).

I wish you all a happy “Day Without a Gay” tomorrow. I hope you truly appreciate what our gay brothers and lesbian sisters bring to our communities. In many ways, they have brought color to an otherwise black and white world. As for me, I will see you all on Thursday! Big hug and kisses!!!

happy


Could You Be Gay For A Day?

October 18, 2008

I went and saw Bill Maher’s film “Religulous” today. It was an alright movie but one of the early subjects covered was the insistence of religious folks that homosexuality is a choice. All of the people that were interviewed were clear on this point; you are not born gay and they can, with relative ease, pray that gay behavior right out of you.

Fair enough. So let’s pursue this line of thinking and make it more personal. If you think homosexuality is a choice, I want you to try this test. You don’t have to move an inch to make it happen. I want you to think about the thing you want most in this world. It can be anything you want. Got it? Ok. To claim this item (money, fame, true love, whatever) all you have to do is be gay for a day.

Sounds pretty easy, right? But here is the caveat. You not only have to “be gay” but you must also perform a gay sex act and enjoy it. By enjoying it, I mean you have crossed over from merely gritting your teeth to get through a challenge but have gone full blown gay. I would suggest that, if in your fantasy you are enjoying it, you are already gay whether you have accepted it or not.

I don’t know much about human behavior but I do know that a straight man, even in his drunkest drunk, will not engage in gay sex unless a woman is somehow involved. He will not toss someone’s salad, be the catcher in a game of pitch and catch, or enjoy getting tea bagged. Even in prison, he will perform gay sex acts but not truly enjoy it unless he is gay. That’s just the way it is. 

So, while I am still confidant we can pray the gay behavior out of Clay, it is not because he has decided suddenly to be gay. That was never a choice on Clay’s part but it is just the way he is hard wired. It’s the same way I am hard wired to enjoy women that have large hands and a big Adams Apple. Who knows why? It is what it is.

If you are having trouble imagining a male partner try this guy:

If Pastor Ted Haggard can’t get you chopping wood, then you sir, are not truly gay. (By the way, Ted has had the gayness prayed right out of him, or so I am told. Good thing he just chose to betray Jesus Christ. Smart move, Ted).


VP Debate Results: Down Goes Biden! Down Goes Biden!

October 3, 2008

Ok, not really. I just wanted to use that line.

For me, this debate was just another snooze fest. If I had to pick a winner, I would say it was a tie between “Boom Boom” Palin and Joltin’ Joe Biden. However, the loser by a landslide was Gwen Ifill. She was absolutely horrible. First, she couldn’t get a coherent question out of her mouth. Even when she asked something partially comprehensible, it was the same boilerplate questions that these candidates have been answering since day one. “What to you think of the war in Iraq?” Really? That’s the best you could do? Maybe Gwen was spending to much time writing her Obama book.

The only question I wanted to hear was this:

“How in God’s name did you people come up with the brilliant idea to add another 100+ billion to the already 700 billion dollar bailout? Do you not answer your phones or check your e-mails? The American people already said, “Oh, hell no!!!” to the first bailout yet you added even more money. How is that even possible?”

Now, I realize that Biden is much too cagey to answer such a question and Sarah had already said early on she did not have to answer the questions she was asked. This was peculiar because it lead to comments like this:

Moderator: Governor, what do you think about the changes in bankruptcy and mortgage issues.

Palin: Let me tell ya somethin’ about energy, don’t cha know.

WTF? I think the rules do actually say you are supposed to answer the questions you are being asked. Still, how can you get mad at her? She is just so damned adorable! And I love hearing her stories about Alaska. I would have liked to hear why she is ok having pork added for her state in the latest bailout proposal but screw the details. 

And what about Joe “cheshire cat smile” Biden? Joe, you have been in politics for over 30 years but all you kept talking about was 3 pieces of legislation that you created. I am not math major but I think that comes out to about one good idea every 10 years. No wonder politicians will sell their souls to get that job. A bit of advice. Tone down that sh** eating grin you love to flash all of the time. Plus, there’s no crying in politics! Sarah made you cry you little candy a**.

So, after a lot of hoopla, the debate was much ado about nothing. In retrospect, I should have just muted the whole thing so I could fully drink in the beauty of Sarah Palin. I don’t know if you caught it but I think Sarah actually winked at me! Here is the proof:

 

Yeah baby! I am not going to lie. I think I may have felt a rustling in my nether regions when she did that. (Of course, it might have also just been gas. Hard to tell when you’re old). I was also pleased to see that the non-sexist camera people were out in full force and took this non-sexist photo of Sarah:

 All I can say is, “Wow!” Let me say this. If you are a man and don’t vote for Sarah then we need to pray the gay right out of you. (We can do it while we are doing the “pray the gay out of Clay” chant).

Despite our problems, you have to admit that America is still the most awesomest place in the world!