Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?


They Stole My Lunch Money! (BB&B)

May 4, 2009

When I was a youngster, I was almost always broke as a fool. Sometimes I had a paper route and that would land me a buck or two. Or, if times were good, I would get a dollar for an allowance. Still, I rarely carried any money and was more likely to be carrying food stamps than green backs. 

One Christmas when I was about 14, someone, somewhere gave me $20. I can’t remember who it was but they had obviously confused me with some other child. Still, I was thrilled to death to be rolling in cash and proudly carried my twenty with me…everywhere. 

When we returned to school from Christmas break, I was still flashing my $20 to anyone that was willing to look at it. Somehow, this $20 bill was giving me the kind of self esteem I so desperately lacked. I finally broke the $20 on a Hostess apple pie. (Possibly one of the greatest foods ever made). While I was now down 50 cents, I actually had more bills to flash around! This was awesome. 

Awesome until 3 enterprising young men decided they needed to relieve me of the burden of carrying this cash. As two approached me from the front, one circled around behind me. The two stopped right in front of me and started up some small talk. This was odd since I didn’t usually attract this kind of attention. Before I knew it, the kid behind me had snatched my wallet from my back pocket. 

He immediately opened it and took the wad of cash I had in it. The three started laughing and started to walk away. I pleaded, “Can I at least have my wallet back? My school ID is in there”. One of the nice young men then flipped me my empty wallet. 

Or so he thought. You see, my dad had taught me about the “secret compartment” each wallet holds. This is where I had hidden the $10 bill left over from my change. So, in spite of losing the battle, I had in fact won the war! (Ok, not really, I was still out the 9 bucks. Plus, they had pretty much emotionally bitch slapped me and I did nothing).

The lesson to be learned? Always walk backwards. That way, the criminals can’t sneak up on you. (In the movie version of this story, I am going to have Chuck Norris show up and kick their collective a**es).


Obama Bringing Back Clinton Cronies.

November 10, 2008

What happened to all of the “change” that was supposed to happen? First, Rahm Emanuel and now John Podesta are added to the “new” team. Soon we will be reading that George Stephanopoulos is back in the gang. The only Clinton crony I would be ok seeing is Janet Reno. Mmmm….Janet. What man doesn’t tingle for her?

 

 

janet

 

When I was envisioning Barry’s new team, I thought it would truly be “new” people. Not just a bunch of rehashed Washington insiders who play politics for a living. We have gone that route many times and it always results in the same old policies and political bickering

 

I have already mentioned that Chuck Norris should be the Secretary of Defense. Here are some of my other choices.

 

Secretary of State – Pam Beasley from “The Office”. She is an awesome secretary plus she is hot in that “I don’t know I’m hot” way.

 

Department of the Interior – Flava Flav. Have you seen his house on Cribs? Flav knows how to put an interior together. Plus, free clocks for everyone! (Although you do have to wear them around your neck).

 

Homeland Security Chief. – Hannibal Lecter. I don’t know where he is hanging these days but I know that no one would ever mess with him, or us. Fava beans indeed.

 

Department of Health – Snoop Dog. He is in good shape, lean and knows every drug ever created. Plus, he does not seem to be a Bogart.

 

EPA – No one is better in protecting the environment than Aquaman. He can talk to the fishes plus has the ability to walk on land. He is also good friends with all of the other Super Heroes and doesn’t have the crappy attitude of say, Batman. (Yeah Bruce, we get it. You are full of angst. Enough already)

 

Token Republican appointment – Sarah Palin. Really, was there ever any doubt? Her main job will be to buy clothes and look good. (Barry might need to impose a slight tax increase…her stuff isn’t cheap) Plus, she can keep talking about hockey moms, pigs with lipstick, ACORN, etc. and I get to keep the tissue makers in the black. Did I mention she is still a Maverick?

 

So there is my list, Barry. Obviously, it is way better than yours so if you need to steal some of my selections, feel free to do so. And no, my gay friends, I did not ignore you. I will have a new department. The “Back Door” Negotiation Team. It will be headed up by one of our most famous and popular gays, George Clooney.

 

Sorry Joe “the Di**head” Plumber. No job for you on Barry’s team. Oh, and pay your damned taxes!

 

If you would like to add to my list, please feel free to do so.

 

 

 


Airline Passenger Subdued With Duct Tape

November 6, 2008

Maria Esther Castillo, 45 from Oswego, NY, slapped a flight attendant in the a**, somehow fell on the head of a blind person and then pulled their hair. Somehow, this behavior got Maria in trouble. I have seen all kinds of passengers swat the stewardess flight attendant in the butt and nothing happened. True, falling on blind people is a new one but I am sure she had a good reason. Maybe Maria is a Muslim name and they were profiling her.

In any event, they tried to subdue Maria with ankle cuffs and she kept slipping out of them. They quickly moved to plan B which, and I am shaking my head as I type this, was to tie her up with duct tape. That’s right, a plain old roll of duct tape. The “Reservoir Dogs” school of detaining someone.

Isn’t the Department of Homeland Security in charge of this stuff? You know, the organization that has 200,000 employees and a 2009 budget of 50 BILLION DOLLARS? All they have is a pair of $30 ankle cuffs on the plane to take care of any trouble? Not even a box of $1.00 flex cuffs for big or small people? And what if, God forbid, more than one lunatic is on the plane? Just imagine if crazy Victoria Osteen was on the same flight. What a train wreck that would have been.

DHS, here is the stuff every plane should have to take care of hooligans. First and foremost, 5 Taser guns. That will keep the bad guys flopping in the aisle until you can get to the rest of the stuff. Next, you need a box of flex cuffs. Use as many as you need to. Of course you will still need the duct tape to put over their mouth. Then a sharp knife to lop off a bit of their ear if they struggle. Plus, one gallon of gas and a box of matches. (Only use if you really need to…it could have unintended side effects. Better also have a fire extinguisher). 

I would also suggest a large suitcase of money so that if you have to use any of the more “severe” techniques, you can pay off the passengers to keep their mouths shut. If you had followed my advice, no one would have ever even heard of Maria’s airplane “mishap”, except for maybe her next of kin.

And to think I actually thought that there were systems in place that would protect me on a plane. The government never fails to disappoint. If they would just hire Chuck Norris as the new Director of Homeland Security, none of this crap would ever happen. No one messes with Chuck…no one.