Hallelujah! Michael Vick Is Cured!

August 17, 2009

I have to be honest; I have been worrying about Mike these last two years. I was worrying because I thought that the minute he was released from jail, he would go right back into the dog fighting business. 

In fact, I thought he would be belligerent and defiant. I worried that he would hide it enough to stay out of jail but, if you read between the lines, you could see that he was back to business as usual. 

How wrong I was. I watched Mike in an interview on 60 Minutes last night and, it turns out, the “old” Mike Vick died somewhere in prison. He admitted to crying at night and finding Jesus again. (Ah…the ever elusive Jesus. Only to be found when you are in jail or suffering some out of the ordinary crisis). 

He not only abhors dog fighting these days, he is working with the ASPCA to teach children that dog fighting is wrong. He now realizes that when he and his minions killed, maimed, and tortured any number of dogs, it was wrong. He couldn’t quite see it at the time, but prison opened up a window into his soul. 

This is really a happy story. Like so many in society that abuse the weak and go to prison, he is now “cured”. Whatever wiring that was crossed in the first place has since been fixed. The Philadelphia Eagles, in a beautiful effort to support his redemption, even signed him to a multi-million dollar contract. Not because they put football first and said to hell with morals and ethics, no, simply because it was the right thing to do. 

Philly fans have been rushing to buy Mike’s number 7 jersey so they can also join the redemption express. The City of Brotherly Love truly is living up to its name. I can only hope that animal lovers can find it in their collective hearts to be equally forgiving. 

Sure, cynics among you may think that Mike has the intellect of a retarded mouse, but that’s just because you are racist. You may think that his high priced legal team was pulling the strings as his lips moved during the interview but, again, you are just hating on the black man. You may wonder how a guy that filed bankruptcy can afford such a team. Look past his color, people!

Welcome back, Mike. I take you at your word and am willing to give you another chance. In fact, if you can help the NFL increase its ratings, I would be happy to give you several more chances. Maybe you can even team up with Chris Brown and go on an “I’m sorry” tour. That would be awesome. Much love, my brother, much love.

Michael Vick says hi


ShamWow Dude Pounds A Hooker (and not in a good way)

March 28, 2009

You know that annoying little gremlin looking dude? You know, he sells ShamWows and that little chopping cup thing on TV. Well he’s in big trouble. Here’s his pic:

shamwow-dude

The Smoking Gun has a great story of how he was busted last month for busting up a hooker. Shamwow dudes real name is Vince Shlomi. (Think he was called Heywood Jablomi in school? Ok, maybe not). Anyway, Vince is seemingly living large these days. He was staying in a posh Miami hotel when he went out on the town to get his drink on.

At some point, Sasha Harris (aka “the hooker”) propositioned wee man for straight sex. First of all, it strikes me that ShamWow dude is into anything but straight sex. Still, for the excellent price of $1000, he accepted. So off our happy couple go to Vince’s suite.

What happens next is a little odd. It seems that when Vince gave Sasha a kiss, she clamped onto his toungue with her teeth. Now, if I remember my prostitution etiquette correctly, you are not supposed to kiss hookers on the mouth. This is their way of keeping an emotional distance. So, it seems that Vince was breaking a cardinal rule by trying to kiss her and got what he deserved.

In his version of the story, he needed to punch her several times in the face to get her to let go. Really? The police report says she suffered facial fractures. Hell, even Chris Brown wasn’t that rough. My guess is that she bit him and he proceeded to pound the crap out of her. (Ladies, are you starting to learn a lesson about dating little guys yet?) I guess at this point she ran from the room and the police were called.

I want to know a couple of things. First, how does this little rat have so much cash? Paying $1000 bucks for hookers and $1000 bucks for a hotel room? Then partying at some swank club? I am so going to start making infomercials for cable TV. Second, who the fu** is this guy and where the hell did he come from? He is like a cheaper version of the dude with the black beard that is always yelling. Who was a cheaper version of that Tony dude with the pony tail. Who was a cheaper version of the master, Ron Popeil. Where the hell has Ron run off to?

Oh well, I guess no more Vince commercials. Can’t say that I will miss him. I now need to go write a script for my new product, ToiletGuard. This is a rail that pops up on either side of the toilet when boys/men are urinating. I can’t tell you anymore but the ladies will appreciate it.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

PS: My son wanted to know if Vince cleaned up the blood with a ShamWow. I am so proud.


How To Keep Your Man From Straying

March 26, 2009

Liz sent me a great article on how a resourceful Connecticut woman decided to keep her man from getting away from her. She handcuffed herself to him while he slept. 

That’s right; Helen Sun snuck into her estranged husband’s bedroom and handcuffed herself to him while he slept. What a simple yet elegant plan! To be fair, the estranged husband, Robert Drawbough, thought it would be a good idea to try to reconcile with Helen. So, really, it is just as much his fault. 

Before he returned from LA to begin the reconciliation, Helen bought some handcuffs and changed the lock on the bedroom door. Maybe she learned her style of reconciliation from watching the Deer Hunter over and over. The only thing that was missing was a gun and Christopher Walken. “Mao, mao!!!” (Slightly obscure if you haven’t seen the movie). 

When Robert awoke and found out he was handcuffed to Helen, he reacted poorly. He managed to get his hand on a cell phone and call 911. (This link has the story and the 911 call – Dude is a whiny baby). During the call, you can hear Bob scream like a girl several times. Sure, it probably was due to the biting that Helen was inflicting on him but c’mon, take it like a man. Do you think Sean Connery would have screamed? Of course not. You would have heard one “mmphh” in a Scottish accent, the sound of flesh on flesh, and then the sound of Helen’s body hitting the floor unconscious.   

And look at Helen’s mug shot. She is unmarked (Well, except for acne).

helen-sun 

A real man would have at least done a Chris Brown on her and that would have stopped the biting immediately. Instead, Bob just screams and screams waiting for the po-po to bail him out. What a girly man. 

Helen’s attorney suggested to the court that maybe Helen was slightly bat sh** and that might explain her behavior. Ya think? I have to admit, I am tired of people playing the crazy card on such mundane things. If Robert had awoken to find Helen gnawing on his kidney that she cut out of him while she slept, I would believe it. Handcuffs? That’s not crazy, that’s being a typical woman. (And you thought I had lost my misogynistic touch).   

Anyway, I hope that Helen gets out quickly so I can see what part two of her plan to win Robert back is. I am sure she can step up her game and make it something truly magnificent. We are rooting for you Helen! You go girl!


Rihanna To Become Full Time Punching Bag

February 28, 2009

In what can only be described as a truly heartwarming story, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently gotten back together. Ri-Ri needed the love and devotion of such an exemplary man and Chris needed…well…a human punching bag.

For those of you that have not experienced any quality time with a woman beater, let me help you out. First, it is NEVER the guys fault. It is always something that the woman said or did that provoked the male to behave in such a poor manner. Also, you can bet your bottom dollar that he is going to punch the hell out of another woman sooner or later. It might be the first girlfriend or someone new.

The bottom line is that once you go black, you never go back. It’s the same for punching women. Once you experience the rush of your knuckles caving in a female’s soft flesh and delicate bone structure, nothing is ever quite as satisfying again. Know this about young Chris…he has tasted blood and will taste it again. The odds are stacked very high in favor of that someone being Rihanna.

Before anyone even THINKS of running to the rescue of Mr. Brown, they need to rethink their position. If his punch had been on any number of pressure points on here face, he could have easily killed her. Would he “need a second chance” then? Also, once you are a punk ass bitch that hits women, you always will be. There is no scenario where he will not feel the need to show his power through physical aggression. I don’t know this, but I bet good old Chris is a little fella. Maybe 5’7″ or something like that? Little guys that punch women are the worst. They need to be sent to prison and ass raped as soon as possible to get there head back on straight again. Call it “tough love”.

So Rhianna, I am sorry that the people that are supposed to care about you let you down. I am sure they have convinced you that somehow the incident was partly your fault. They are wrong. There is nothing you can do or say that should cause a man to raise his fists to you. Period. It’s a very simple law that has been around for a very long time. However, since you are not being supported by intelligent people, I can only hope that after one of these beatings you will say, “enough is enough”.

One last thing, Rihanna. While you may be ok with being his sparring partner, do NOT under ANY circumstances bring children into this relationship. If you want to punish yourself and play the victim, fine. But no kid deserves to be brought up in that kind of dysfunctional mess. Uh-oh. I think I hear Chris calling you for your tea time ass whippin’. Try not to bruise so much this time. Much love. TL.

PS: You need to get used to your new look. It will be something like this. Enjoy.

beaten-woman


You Can’t Chop Your Wife’s Head Off In America

February 17, 2009

Maybe that kind of stuff is ok in other parts of the world, but we don’t cotton to that kind of behavior in the US. You can stab, shoot, strangle, run over, or choose a variety of other ways to kill your spouse. Chopping the head off? That’s a big no-no.

Muzzammil Hassan started Bridges TV in 2004 in an attempt to balance the negative portrayal of Muslims after the 9/11 attacks. (I have never watched the show as it is not listed among the 600 cable channels that I have). It is unclear whether his efforts were fruitful. However, this we do know. Cutting your wife’s head off is not going to be seen in a favorable light. Let the Muslim bashing begin.

Muzzammil (or Muzzy as I know him) was charged with second degree murder. Can I ask a question? If chopping someone’s head off is not premeditated murder, what is? Wouldn’t it take a hell of a lot of effort to make that happen? Wouldn’t you start to get tired about half way through and think to yourself, “Maybe I am slightly over reacting. I should leave the head on”.

Muzzy was having trouble in his marriage as his wife had filed for divorce after several domestic abuse complaints. So, this guy was the quintessential stereotypical Muslim. What he claims he hoped to make better he has now just reinforced. This is just more crap that my Muslim brothers are going to have to put up with now. Muzzy is to Muslims what OJ is to blacks…a lightening rod. Also like OJ, he has left two young children without a mother. I don’t know what the Muslim equivalent for hell is but I hope that’s where Muzzy is headed. (Instead of 72 virgins you get 72 old, clapped out whores?)

There is some concern that the killing will be seen as an “honor killing” since the Quran allows husbands to punish disobedient women. Of course, if this is the case, then I take back all of the bad things I have just written about Muzzy. Clearly, an “honor killing” is perfectly acceptable and the way you decide to carry this killing out is irrelevant. Even a meat grinder or wood chipper is acceptable under those conditions.

While I personally don’t condone these actions, I do understand that different cultures have different values and belief systems. For instance, can you imagine a religion that doesn’t eat beef? There is one. What about a religion that thinks blacks are devils? Got that one too. What about a religion that believes in an invisible man that lives in the sky that hears and sees everything that happens in the world and has favorite sports teams? I think you can see where I am going with this. “Let he who lives in a stone house cast the first glass out of the rock window”…as it says in scripture.

I wonder if Chris Brown is Muslim?


Thank God Bobby Brown Didn’t Punch Rihanna

February 9, 2009

Lord knows Bobby has had enough trouble in his life. He is no angel but let’s be honest; Whitney is probably not the easiest person to live with when she is all cracked out. I don’t condone Bobby slapping her around but I can’t say I am surprised. A black man is obligated to keep his woman under control. And yes, I am black so I can say that. (well…occasionally black).

Anyway, who the hell is this Chris Brown? Here is just another celebrity that I have no clue who he is or what he does. And the same goes for Rihanna. The only Rihanna I know is the song sung by Stevie Nicks. My guess is that these are both R&B singers and, I am not going to lie, I gave up on this genre the day that Barry White died. (I probably should have given up when Smokey Robinson died.)

Anyway, back to being a black man and keeping your woman under control. Mike Tyson said the best punch he ever threw was at Robin Givens. Ike Turner often had to keep Tina under his thumb / fist before she spiraled wildly out of control. Let me be clear, I am not condoning “O.J.-ing” someone but when a mans pride has been tested, he has to do what he has to do.

Sure, some white men have done it. Steve McQueen and Sean Connery have supposedly had to throw a few roundhouses to keep the peace at home. But they were just being macho thugs and had no real excuse. Black women are much stronger than white women both physically and mentally. This is why they are so difficult to control. Also, a black man’s reputation is the most important thing he has.

Do you really think that Denzell or Billy Dee would put up with some woman’s crap and just look like punks? Please…it just doesn’t happen like that. (Unless your name is Steadman). Now you don’t have to like these facts but unless you live within this culture, you have no right to complain or offer an opinion. In many foreign countries, this story would not even be reported. If it was, the guys that read it would think, “serves her right”. (Except it would read like this – لْعَرَبيّةلْعَرَبيّةعَرَبيْ عَرَبيْ . Trust me, I don’t lie).

So Chris, Bobby, Mike, or any of my brothers that occasionally have to throw a straight right cross to keep a woman in line, I understand. You are probably going to get a** raped in jail for doing it but what price are you willing to pay to keep your pride? Straight up.