Worst Job Ever? Insurance Agent

May 12, 2011

How do I know this? Because these peckerwoods call me almost everyday asking if I want to sell insurance. No one else calls, mind you…just every insurance company known to mankind. At least with my e-mail I can send them straight to the spam bucket.

I know you are thinking, “Gee TL, just don’t answer the phone”. Well that sounds like a good plan but what if Salma or Sarah Palin are trying to call me? I don’t know the area codes for LA and Alaska. Besides, people sell me all kinds of cool things through telemarketing. I’m not going to give that up to avoid the insurance scammers.

What I don’t understand is why my resume appeals to them. I have no discernible talent or expertise in anything. Is this what qualifies me? Are they looking for a blank slate to turn into a mind controlled insurance zombie? Are they just calling every single resume that gets posted online somewhere? If so, how freakin’ awful of a job is it when you have to ask every living, breathing person to take the job. Hell, Burger King or Wal-Mart aren’t even that desperate.

And what if I said yes to them? I couldn’t sell anything. In fact, I reverse sell everything I do. For instance, if I’m at a restaurant I will say, “You don’t have diet coke, do you?” Or when I was single, I might say, “If your vagina was on fire, and I was the only person nearby, you wouldn’t let me put it out, would you?” (By the way, the answer to the last question is invariably “no”).

Beyond all of that, insurance is the single biggest scam in the world. Scare the crap out of people so that they pay into a system that has a worse payout than the lottery. Of course it does! Just like the casino, insurance companies are in business for one reason…to make money. How am I supposed to lie to people and tell them that they need life insurance when there is no rule that says they have to die?  Wait…there is a rule that says they have to die? First, that sucks because I was pretty sure I would live forever and second, insurance sounds like a great thing to have.

Ok insurance companies of the world. Expect a phone call from me any day now. I want to sell life insurance to really, really old people in hospitals. They need it and I think I could win them over with my charm and minor bribery. (Plus, I could knock boots with some of the widows before they kick).

See? It’s a legitimate question.