Am I Gay If I Still Love Freddie Mercury?

March 15, 2009

I must admit…I am sitting here on another Sunday morning listening to Fred sing about a variety of subjects. Of course, I have heard all of these songs many, many times over the years so there is really nothing new to be heard. Still, I keep coming back for more after 25 years of listening to Queen. I have love for Brian and Roger too (not so much for John) but Freddie is the man. Albeit a gay man.

So, maybe I have some sort of recessed gay gene in me that attracts me to the music. Granted, I don’t much care for other gay singers so I might just as likely be fascinated by his ginormous teeth or porn stache (which I have already admitted having a fascination with although I no longer wear one). I shouldn’t be troubled by this love for Queen music but, somehow I am.

Do you remember when you found out that Billy Squier was gay? Do you remember how dirty you felt after singing “The Stroke” thousands of time without knowing what he really meant? For those of you too young to remember, let me rewind the clock a little. Billy came out of Boston with a great pop rock sound. He was writing rock anthem after rock anthem and then “the video” came out. Oh…my…God. It even made Clay Aiken and Boy George blush. Here it is:

(You are probably going to need to take a shower to wash the gay off of you. Go ahead….I’ll wait.)

So, if other gay artists are not my cup of tea, why am I so fascinated by Freddie? The easy answer is his tremendous talent but that doesn’t quite fill the bill. I love Tom Petty, James Taylor and Lemmy from Motörhead but am not obsessed with those guys. I will tell you a secret, just between you and I. When Fred died all those years ago my eyes filled with tears. (This from a man who is frequently questioned about whether or not I actually have tear ducts). When Ben Orr from The Cars or other rock and roll stars die, I am saddened but not completely bummed out like when Freddie died.

So, please let me know if I should buy a rainbow sticker for my car or plan to march in a gay pride parade. I really don’t want to but maybe I owe it to my suppressed gay side. Of course, if it is just a fascination with a talented musician, I would feel a hell of a lot better about it. I know that makes me shallow but I am fairly confident we have already sussed that fact out many months ago.

I miss you Freddie. In a completely hetero and masculine way.

freddie-mercury


Small Asteroid Almost Killed You Last Week!

March 4, 2009

That’s right, asteroid 2009 DD45 (Why a DD? Only those zany scientists know) came within a mere 40,000 miles of Earth last Friday. According to most news sources, the asteroid was about 70 to 150 feet in diameter. The New York Post naturally raised that to 200 feet. (They seriously need to work on their rounding of numbers).

Scientists say that the asteroid was big enough to vaporize about 800 square miles. I have a couple of questions. First, is 40,000 miles really close? Close to me is like 20 miles max. 40,000 just seems like a really, really far distance. Like you would need to stack phone books from here to the moon and back 82 times. You know, one of those kind of ridiculous numbers.

My second question is, although I don’t consider the event a “close call”, why am I not finding out about it until 4 days later? I thought we paid people to let us know when this kind of thing was going to happen. We get a warning and then send guys into space to blow it up. Was Bruce Willis too busy dating young chicks or something to help out?

Here is my problem with the whole situation. When the big one comes, and it will, the useless government is not going to say a thing to us. I even sent an e-mail to PhD Brian May to see if he would answer. He didn’t so clearly a serious conspiracy is afoot. The “man” has silenced everyone and when the big rock falls from the sky to kill us, we will just stand there like a bunch of retards short bus graduates moments before we are incinerated.

This is unacceptable to me. I need to know when I am going to get whacked so I can take care of a bunch of last minute tasks. You already know I have to take out some bad drivers. Plus, I have to at least try to reach Sarah Palin before the end. She must know of my love. Plus, I am definitely going to want to have a huge banana split and a variety of other food items. So much to do in so little time.

However, I will never be able to do anything I want to do because the government is so selfish with their information. So, instead of doing all of the things I aspire to do, I will just keep leading my zombie life. Thanks government…thanks a lot.

(Please Allah, do not let me get hammered by e-mails from people that say I am persecuting asteroids. Thank you and amen).