Occupy Wall Street Or Twilight: Breaking Dawn?

November 16, 2011

Since I am boycotting Black Friday because it has now been moved to Thursday, I have some extra time to stand around somewhere. The two obvious choices are to Occupy Wall Street (OWS) or stand in line for the premier of the new Twilight movie.

I think an occupation sounds much longer than standing in line but I am told the lines to these Twilight movies are ridiculous. From a “save the world” point of view, OWS just barely beats out killer vampires and all of the other Satanic stuff that comes with Twilight. Are blood sucking corporations any less dangerous than the Twilight devil people? I think not. But, I don’t literally have to go to Wall Street to protest. I can just make a small sign and wave it from my couch. It is the thought that counts people.

However, standing in line with a bunch of Satan worshippers sounds like a lot of fun too. I hear that one of the characters is named Bela after Bela Lugosi. I love those old movies! Plus there is a werewolf and a guy with a scar in the shape of a lightening bolt on his head. Frankenstein? Could be. Just sounds like a lot of fun to me. I hope the fact that I haven’t seen any of the first six movies doesn’t matter. Maybe my new friends in line will fill me in on the details.

Still, the OWS group is older and more likely to be high. They seem to be a lot like Juggalos and lord knows I love those crazy people. They will show you their boobs for $1 or less! Where else can you get that except at a strip club or under the overpass on MLK Blvd? (See photo below for proof). Plus, there is always the threat of police brutality which makes for awesome YouTube videos.

What guy doesn’t love a girl with big boobs that can’t spell? To be fair, I bet if I look for hot Twilight women, there will be plenty of them as well.

Wait…wha…??? I didn’t know Twilight had gone all Brokeback Mountain. When the hell did this happen? Not that I am against this sort of thing but I doubt Bela Lugosi would approve. (Although the guy on the right does have some sexy sideburns). FYI, if they are going to go in this direction, they should at least be sharing some tongue.

Well, it’s settled. I am not going to attend either event. The truth is, the battery in my Rascal Scooter would not last long enough to get me where I am going. Plus, I am sure someone would have something snarky to say about me going commando. You kids have fun.


8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

November 28, 2009

1 – There were not nearly as many black people out on Black Friday as I thought there would be. In fact, it looked like a Sarah Palin convention. As an occasional black man, I was pretty uncomfortable with all of the whiteys around me.

2 – There is no way that Tiger Woods is any more than, say, 10 percent black. He let his skinny, white wife beat the crap out of him. OJ would have never let that happen. A true brother knows how to keep his woman in check. Turn in your NAACP card, Tiger.

3 – Barry Obama needs to put the crack pipe down. If you really think that 30,000 more troops is going to end a holy war, you are just like Dubya except you dress better and can pronounce nuclear. You are supposed to be bringing troops home, not sending more to be killed.   

4 – People still seem kind of worked up about Adam Lambert kissing another dude. This is what talentless people do…they try to shock you into paying attention. He is just pursuing the Madonna game plan. A real rock star, like Jim Morrison, would have whipped his thing out and started slapping the people in the first row in the head with it.

5 – Jesus has been located again. This time on the hot side of an iron. Jesus is continuously showing up in stupid places. On a Dorito, cheese sandwich, on a window, and the list goes on and on. Jesus is one seriously bored dude.

6 – I just finished watching “The Trials of Ted Haggard”. It shows the hardships he and his family have endured since being thrown out of his church. It makes you almost feel sorry for him…almost. Once again, religion turns on one of its own. Of course, only after he made the church popular and incredibly wealthy. Maybe Ted and Jim Bakker can hook up. (Jim learned quite a few tricks in prison). Sure, they can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch but there are plenty of other moves.

7 – Lou Dobbs is considering running for POTUS. He is confident that birthers and Mexican haters can give him the votes he needs. Good luck with that, Lou. Maybe you can get Larry King to run with you on the “All Dentures” ticket.

8 – Bob Dylan is still the shizzle. Here is a new Christmas tune from The Master.