Now Billy Mays? Why God, Why?

June 28, 2009

Billy Mays

As if my pain from losing Farrah and Michael wasn’t bad enough, today I learn that the great entertainer, Billy Mays, passed away this morning. (I didn’t add Ed McMahon to my grieving list because I am pretty confident he died several years ago).

Billy took his craft to a whole other level. Really, he was the Jimi Hendrix of television product advertising. Well, maybe not the Jimi Hendrix…that honor would be reserved for Ron Popeil. But certainly he would rank in the top 5.

The first time I saw Billy perform his Oxi-Clean commercial, I knew I was watching a true master craftsman. His interpretation of the art of selling was truly magical. Really, his passing is right up there with MLK, JFK, RFK and the BLT. (Which has fallen out of favor due to its pork content).

Will there ever be another Billy Mays? Well, probably not in our lifetime. Sure, the ShamWow dude is good but he beats up hookers and that is going to cost him a few points. Robert Wagner is good at selling reverse mortgages to old people but he doesn’t have the flair that Billy had.

Police are unsure what caused the death of the 50 year old Mays. Some websites have reported that his body collapsed under the weight of absorbing several gallons of black dye which he used to groom his beautiful beard and hair. An APB has been put out for the ShamWow dude because, frankly, he is just creepy and who knows what he is willing to do to get back on top.

The family has asked the public to respect their privacy in these “difficult times”. This approach has always confused me. Why do people whore themselves out for every last bit of attention they can get when they are alive but, when they croak, somehow they are supposed to be suddenly off limits? Maybe because there is no money in it?

President Obama has suggested that he might roll all of these recent deaths together and start a national holiday known as “Celebrities Day”. It will kind of be like President’s Day but be way more exciting. There will be parades and telethons to celebrate the passing of all recent celebrities. (Including the “bad” ones like OJ and Chris Brown when they croak).

Governor Mark Sanford completely supports President Obama’s proposal. He was quoted as saying, “Anything that will get you people off my a** is ok by me”. Mrs. Sanford quickly responded with the following statement. “Fu** you, Mark. Fu** you all day long. And that little Brazilian whore of yours”.  

I remember Wolf Blitzer practically crying when MJ passed away. I can only hope that Anderson Cooper will be there to help him get through this latest tragedy. I will tip some Orange Glo In Billy’s honor tonight. I ask you to respect my privacy during this difficult time. Yours in mourning, TL

ShamWow Dude Pounds A Hooker (and not in a good way)

March 28, 2009

You know that annoying little gremlin looking dude? You know, he sells ShamWows and that little chopping cup thing on TV. Well he’s in big trouble. Here’s his pic:


The Smoking Gun has a great story of how he was busted last month for busting up a hooker. Shamwow dudes real name is Vince Shlomi. (Think he was called Heywood Jablomi in school? Ok, maybe not). Anyway, Vince is seemingly living large these days. He was staying in a posh Miami hotel when he went out on the town to get his drink on.

At some point, Sasha Harris (aka “the hooker”) propositioned wee man for straight sex. First of all, it strikes me that ShamWow dude is into anything but straight sex. Still, for the excellent price of $1000, he accepted. So off our happy couple go to Vince’s suite.

What happens next is a little odd. It seems that when Vince gave Sasha a kiss, she clamped onto his toungue with her teeth. Now, if I remember my prostitution etiquette correctly, you are not supposed to kiss hookers on the mouth. This is their way of keeping an emotional distance. So, it seems that Vince was breaking a cardinal rule by trying to kiss her and got what he deserved.

In his version of the story, he needed to punch her several times in the face to get her to let go. Really? The police report says she suffered facial fractures. Hell, even Chris Brown wasn’t that rough. My guess is that she bit him and he proceeded to pound the crap out of her. (Ladies, are you starting to learn a lesson about dating little guys yet?) I guess at this point she ran from the room and the police were called.

I want to know a couple of things. First, how does this little rat have so much cash? Paying $1000 bucks for hookers and $1000 bucks for a hotel room? Then partying at some swank club? I am so going to start making infomercials for cable TV. Second, who the fu** is this guy and where the hell did he come from? He is like a cheaper version of the dude with the black beard that is always yelling. Who was a cheaper version of that Tony dude with the pony tail. Who was a cheaper version of the master, Ron Popeil. Where the hell has Ron run off to?

Oh well, I guess no more Vince commercials. Can’t say that I will miss him. I now need to go write a script for my new product, ToiletGuard. This is a rail that pops up on either side of the toilet when boys/men are urinating. I can’t tell you anymore but the ladies will appreciate it.

PS: My son wanted to know if Vince cleaned up the blood with a ShamWow. I am so proud.