Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?

Internet Kill Switch? I Love The US Government

June 18, 2010

You know, sometimes I grow tired of the US Government and become convinced that they are essentially useless. Then, out of the blue, they do things that make me feel much better.

For instance, Barry arbitrarily forcing BP to put aside $20 billion for clean up and restitution. Sure, there is no actual law that gives him the power to impose his will on a private corporation like that but he did it anyway. And, we the people, being the vigilant keepers of the Constitution that we are, politely applauded. (Or, in some places, yelled “Booo Yaaah!!!).

Now I read that the honorable Joseph Lieberman, D or R or I from Ct, is offering legislation that lets the POTUS shut down the Internet in the case of a national emergency. What constitutes a national emergency? Eh…don’t sweat the small details. You might ask, “Why in the world would Internet providers go for such a plan?” Because the bill protects them from civil liability. So, as you can see, everyone is a winner. (The kill switch, of course, needs to come with the caveat that porn sites would not be shut off. We don’t need rioting in the streets).

I can remember when I lived in Ct and Joe was trying to stomp out the video game industry because it was creating sex crazed, killing machines. Unfortunately, the people who find free speech and intellectual independence important, what bunch of losers, were able to overcome his master plan. So, because I had access to Ms. Pac-Man, to this day, I still have an urge to eat certain fruit. But I digress…

This “kill switch” plan is brilliant. When things get crazy and the world is coming to an end, the LAST place I am going to go for information is the Internet so why not kill it? Shouldn’t I be watching Fox News and CNN to get the real story? Can’t I trust the media to tell me everything I need to know as it is spoon fed to them by the government? In spite of what Jesse Ventura says, the government has never lied to me before and I don’t expect them to start now.

Senator Lieberman, who is just chockfull of brilliant ideas, will also be introducing the “Bieber Law”. This law will prohibit males from having any sort of hairdo that will make them look girlish, or vagina-ish because “it’s just not right”. Bobby Sherman has vowed to fight this legislation. (How’s that for a little trip in the way back time machine?)

Thank you, US government, for taking all of the big decisions out of my hands. Frankly, I don’t need the pressure. Plus, you have an impeccable track record when it comes to this sort of thing. Weapons of mass destruction, Katrina, Wall Street, the Patriot Act…the list is endless. How anyone could doubt you is beyond me.

I have a call into Senator Lieberman’s office to ask him what I should have for dinner tonight. I sure hope he says steak!

P.S. I was going to write about the Honorable Alvin Greene from South Carolina. You know him, right? The unemployed, felony porn pending, Democratic Senate candidate. However, every time I try to type about him, I am overcome with uncontrollable laughter and my head keeps shaking back and forth vigorously. Thank you fine people of South Carolina for keeping me amused. I appreciate it.

Oil Spill? Big Freakin’ Deal

April 30, 2010

Here we go once again. The Lame Stream Media is going to tell us how the big, bad oil companies have put our wildlife at risk. Birds, fish, beaches, blah, blah, blah. Who fu**ing cares about birds and fish? Sure, oil covered beaches are a drag but all you have to do is go to the other coast. How hard is that?

You people knew that when drilling offshore was allowed decades ago, there would be some small issues like this. Get over it. Do you still want to live in your McMansions and drive SUV’s? Do you still want to crank the heat in the winter or cool your 5000 sq ft home? Well, this is the price you pay.

Stop being a pussy tree hugger and embrace the reality of our world. We need to do more drilling so we can keep up with our consumption. Really, since I live in the Midwest, I could give a crap which ocean or state BP drills in. As long as I have the fuel to leave all of my interior and exterior lights burning 24 hours a day, I am cool with it.

If you grass eaters would have listened to a true American, Sarah Palin, this would likely have never have happened. The oil companies would have invested all of their money in drilling new areas and old rigs, like the piece of junk that broke, would have already been phased out.

But no, now I have to listen to the liberals on CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, NBC, and basically any news outlet not owned by Rupert Murdoch, drone on about this “natural disaster”. Look, we let New Orleans get ruined by a hurricane and completely ignored it, why can’t we do the same here? Brad Pitt can go wash some birds off it if makes him feel better.

In my America, i.e. Sarah Palin’s America, we go big or go home. If that means an “inconvenient truth” happens every now and then, so be it. You are not going to take my guns, my liberty, and my porno stash because Barry Hussein Obama wants to run a socialist, Marxist, Maoist, communist, liberalist, fascist, ridiculous-ist regime. Oh hell no…not on my watch.

When Sarah Palin becomes president in 2011 or ’12, you liberal lipstick-less pig people can get the hell out of our country if you don’t like it. Oh, and take all of those Mexicans with you. I can live without tacos and burritos if that’s what it takes. That’s how committed I am.

God bless Sarah Palin and God bless the United States of America.

Man, I would love to hit that.

Arizona – “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mexicans”

April 20, 2010

It has now become evident to me that living in hot, sunny areas is detrimental to the brain. How else to explain Arizona’s legislation to chase down Mexican’s and see if they have an alien registration document?

Don’t get me wrong, illegal immigration is a huge problem that needs to be addressed but this seems like a silly way to do it. Let’s assume the police round up all of these illegal Mexicans. Where in the hell are they going to put them? In some super sized internment camp? Are they going to drive them down to the border and kick them out of the truck? Because, as you know, once they are deported they almost never try to get back into the country.

You might wonder how these people be identified? Simple. The police will determine by looking at them whether they are Mexican. In fact, the law demands that the police do this or they are subject to disciplinary action. If they happen to ID a few Italians, Native Americans, or Spanish people, well, it’s all apart of the good work they are doing. In fact, I think if Obama goes to Arizona, he stands a pretty good chance of being deported. After all, he has no legal US documentation of his citizenship.

If I wrote the law, I would also include anyone wearing a turban on their head and midgets. Mostly, because these people would be really easy to identify. I would also try to identify French illegal aliens. This will also be fairly easy due to their stench and hairy underarms. Lastly, I would arrest anyone with a yarmulke. Any time a group of people are being rounded up, the Jews are almost always included.  

By the way, where are the Tea Partiers on this deal? Isn’t this a perfect example of “big government” imposing its will on the masses? Where is my America? This reeks of Socialism and Communism. Not because it really does, but I just figure I should follow their standard ranting and raving. Also, stop killing babies!!!

It is also illegal to hire illegal aliens for day labor and knowingly transport them. Does this mean that prostitutes that only work at night are exempt? It would seem the law is written in such a way that all of the nice folks that already have a full time illegal scrubbing their toilets are exempt. No worries Sen. McCain. Guadalupe can continue to rub you down will that old man salve every night.

It is good to know that the “leaders” of this country are really on the ball. It makes me feel much better about paying my taxes when I see such intellectual powerhouses making brilliant decisions.

When Does The Baby Killing And Death Panels Start?

March 23, 2010

Now that the healthcare bill is passed, when does all of the wild crap start? I suspect that the death panels will probably be part of some sort of pay-per-view deal and I bet it is more entertaining than Wrestlemania.

Old Dude: So, you see your honor, I need a new liver to survive.

Judge: Denied! Bailiff, spin the “wheel of death”!

(Bailiff spins the wheel. It lands on “Enter the Life-sized Microwave”)

See how much fun that would be? I would easily pay 6 or 7 bucks to see that. Although, to be honest, watching old people get whacked will probably get old after a while. Maybe the death panels could also include illegal Mexicans. That would add a potential “jiggle factor” to the show. (Although I would miss Paco quite a bit).

My guess is that the baby killing is already spiraling out of control. Once a woman who is looking to get an abortion finds out it is federally funded, how could she say no?

Pregnant woman: Um…hello, I would like to get an abortion but I have a question.

Baby killer person: Ok. What do you want to know?

Pregnant woman: Will any of this abortion be federally funded?

Baby killer: Yes.

Pregnant woman: Oh, hell yeah!!! That’s what I’m talking about!!! My mama said it was gonna be state funded but I told her she was full of shit. Where do I sign?

For me, the best part of the healthcare plan is the fact that 1/3 of doctors said they would quit the profession if it passed. That vacuum is going to lead to a severe shortage of doctors and my guess is that the bar to becoming a doctor will be substantially lowered. With my GED and recent surgical experience (self amputation), I will be a doctor in no time.

I have not decided on a specialty yet but I am leaning towards something that requires cutting…lots and lots of cutting. Maybe some sewing but, really, the cutting is the most important part. And maybe involving power tools of some sort. And possibly a golf cart, silly putty, and a large toaster. I don’t want to limit myself.

I want to thank the Democrats for putting together this bloated piece of legislation and the Republicans for double daring them to pass it. It is this kind of bipartisan spirit that makes this country so great. Just when I think the limit of absurdity has been reached, they surprise me yet again.

If you would like to be a patient of mine, please schedule early. I have a lot of cutting to do and I can only stand on my one good leg for so long. I look forward to serving you…so to speak.

Seattle Cop Killer Was A Lunatic. What A Surprise.

December 1, 2009

If only there had been some kind of sign. You know…some sort of pattern of behavior that screamed to the authorities, “This guy is a lunatic!” Maybe something like a crime spree in Arkansas that earned him a 108 year sentence. That might be a sign. Or the fact that he violated his parole and was sent back to prison. This isn’t “lunatic” behavior but a trend is developing.

Maybe when he assaulted a police officer and raped a girl and justified it by saying that he had a vision he was Jesus and the Apocalypse was coming soon. That might have raised a few red flags. Or maybe when a psychological evaluation done in October said he was “a risk to public safety”. Apparently, he was not a big enough risk because he walked again.  

Or maybe this paragraph I lifted from the AP could have been a sign:

At the time of his arrest, he allegedly made “religiously-themed comments, told the officer President Obama and Lebron James are his brothers, Oprah (Winfrey) is his sister and referred to himself as ‘the beast,'” according to the evaluation.

All of these things could have pointed to misbehavior at some point in the future. I am pretty sure raping a child in and of itself should prevent you from posting bail with the assistance of Jail Sucks Bail Bonds.

Sadly, for the families of 4 police officers, no single person or organization cared enough to lock this guy up. The finger pointing that is going on is a pathetic effort by all parties involved to cover their collective asses. Personally, I am going to blame Mike Huckabee (aka Huckleberry). Granting clemency because someone is young is not a good enough reason. The judicial system is not in place for any one person to override it unless there is empirical evidence that a mistake has been made.

Not surprisingly, when a police officer came across the suspect, Maurice Clemmons, he fired first and asked questions later. Was there any scenario where this situation was not going to end like this? So, thanks to do-gooder Huckleberry and any number of other people, the guy they were trying to “treat fairly” ends up dead anyway. Everyone loses in this deal.

While I have a soft spot for crazy people, like myself, the ability to play the crazy card goes away when you are involved in criminal behavior. Even Gotham City at least tried to keep the Joker in an asylum. Our judicial system simply needs to do a better job.

When Barry Obama explains why we need to spend several billions more to continue the “war” in Afghanistan, think about how that money could be partially used to decrease jail overcrowding and provide mental help to the other lunatics walking the street. While I guess I am concerned about someone calling a Jihad on me, I am much more concerned about people like Maurice Clemmons walking the streets. (And while I am at it…all Christians should be eliminated because Clemmons was a Christian. If the Muslims need to be eliminated for killing folks then, by God, so should the Jesus lovers).

I will now step off of my soapbox so the Huckleberry love fest can begin.

Cop killer did it for Jesus…probably

PS: Sorry for my lack of comments here and at your cribs. Crazy busy this time of year. Fu**ing elves are completely useless.

8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

November 28, 2009

1 – There were not nearly as many black people out on Black Friday as I thought there would be. In fact, it looked like a Sarah Palin convention. As an occasional black man, I was pretty uncomfortable with all of the whiteys around me.

2 – There is no way that Tiger Woods is any more than, say, 10 percent black. He let his skinny, white wife beat the crap out of him. OJ would have never let that happen. A true brother knows how to keep his woman in check. Turn in your NAACP card, Tiger.

3 – Barry Obama needs to put the crack pipe down. If you really think that 30,000 more troops is going to end a holy war, you are just like Dubya except you dress better and can pronounce nuclear. You are supposed to be bringing troops home, not sending more to be killed.   

4 – People still seem kind of worked up about Adam Lambert kissing another dude. This is what talentless people do…they try to shock you into paying attention. He is just pursuing the Madonna game plan. A real rock star, like Jim Morrison, would have whipped his thing out and started slapping the people in the first row in the head with it.

5 – Jesus has been located again. This time on the hot side of an iron. Jesus is continuously showing up in stupid places. On a Dorito, cheese sandwich, on a window, and the list goes on and on. Jesus is one seriously bored dude.

6 – I just finished watching “The Trials of Ted Haggard”. It shows the hardships he and his family have endured since being thrown out of his church. It makes you almost feel sorry for him…almost. Once again, religion turns on one of its own. Of course, only after he made the church popular and incredibly wealthy. Maybe Ted and Jim Bakker can hook up. (Jim learned quite a few tricks in prison). Sure, they can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch but there are plenty of other moves.

7 – Lou Dobbs is considering running for POTUS. He is confident that birthers and Mexican haters can give him the votes he needs. Good luck with that, Lou. Maybe you can get Larry King to run with you on the “All Dentures” ticket.

8 – Bob Dylan is still the shizzle. Here is a new Christmas tune from The Master.

PETA Angry With First Lady’s Costume

November 1, 2009

The animal advocacy group PETA released the following statement after seeing Michelle Obama dressed in the costume below.

Barry and Michelle

While we appreciate that Mrs. Obama was trying to go for the “cat woman” look with her Halloween costume, she has only opened the door for the continued slaughter of leopards. How many children will see the First Lady and decide that they too want such a costume? The likelihood of massive groups of children flying to Africa and killing leopards is terrifying.

Beyond this issue, the Cat Woman actually wore black leather. While PETA does not endorse the wearing of leather, we believe that Mrs. Obama should have at least made the effort to get it right.

The criticism of the Obama Halloween gathering at the White House did not stop there. The NAACP also released a scathing memo regarding the attire of President Obama.

We at the NAACP were deeply distressed to see Barack Obama dressed as a “black man” for Halloween. It appears he was wearing some sort of Bill Cosby costume and we found this to neither be humorous or accurate. For instance, Mr. Cosby always wears colorful sweaters. Mr. Obama’s failure to meet this basic criteria is deplorable. More disconcerting is the “blackface” that the President thought would be humorous to wear. (Or, in this case, “brownface”).

Although we understand that President Obama is allegedly “partially” black, his effort to portray a real modern day black man falls woefully short of the mark. Where are the gold chains or teeth? Where is the entourage of scantily clothed women? How come Kanye wasn’t invited to the event?

There are a litany of questions we will prepare and present to Mr. Obama once Al and Jesse are back from their vacation in Cabo. We will demand answers.

Lastly, there were several complaints from the children at the event. In keeping with his campaign to improve the health of US citizens, the President and First Lady handed out vegetables from their organic garden to the young trick or treater’s. Young Bubba Stump had this to say. “My daddy drove me all the way from Texas to get a carrot stick? Are you fu**ing kidding me?”

Overall, a tragic Halloween for the First Family. In a bit of good news, the Obama children were not at the event as they were attending a large party at the abandoned Bernie Madoff estate. Miley Cyrus provided entertainment while actor extraordinaire David Hasselhoff did drunken magic tricks. It is reported a good time was had by all.

Obama Deserved The Nobel Peace Prize

October 9, 2009

Is there really any doubt about this? Have people already forgotten about the amazing success of the “beer summit”? That success alone probably should have sealed the deal but it was much more than that. 

Look at the violence statistics in Chicago, for instance. Barry helped drive violence in Chicago down to almost nothing. I mean really, when is the last time you heard of someone being killed in Chicago? Exactly, it has been a long time. 

Now, I won’t lie. I was deeply disappointed that my personal candidate, Kanye West, did not win the prize. He is all about peace and his efforts to reach out to the country western fans of the world were quite remarkable. I suspect that if Kanye was only half black, like Obama, he would have scored a few more points. 

What is most exciting about this is that the Nobel voters could see what the rest of us can see. No, not what Barack has accomplished so far, although that is more than enough, but rather what is about to happen around the world. The Iraq and Afghanistan wars? Pretty much over by the end of next week…3 weeks at the latest. Cancer? Cured in the next calendar year. Getting David Hasselhoff sober? Ok, that one is going to take Barry some extra time. 

Critics continue to carp about the fact that President Obama hasn’t actually done anything up to this point. This is just simply not true. He wore “mom jeans” to show his support of portly mothers around the world. He knocked a fly out of mid-air with his cat like reflexes. You never saw Bush do that, did you? He kept all of those nasty foreigners out of our country by throwing the Olympics. And the list goes on and on. 

Let’s face it, those that are upset that Obama won the Nobel hate the black man. That is the only reasonable way to explain their behavior. Barry is the closest thing to Black Jesus that we have and to hate on him just means that you either live in the South or were robbed by a black man…or both. 

I am glad that our President has won such a prestigious prize and look forward to his winning a Grammy and Academy Award next year. He will give a great acceptance speech (they allow teleprompters, don’t they?) and our children will have a true hero to look up to. Finally our children, regardless of faith or gender, can say they want to grow up to be just like Barack Obama. No, not POTUS but rather a semi-black dude with a hot wife, sporting a bangin’ booty.

barry looking Nobel like

(Barry playing “smell my finger” while still looking pensive)

Letterman Is A Fornicator And The IOC Is Racist

October 2, 2009

What a horrible day to be American. One of our greatest citizens, David Letterman, is caught banging the secretary and another great citizen, Oprah, is told “oh hell no” for Chicago and the Olympics. 

First, let me address the Dave situation. Doesn’t CBS have an HR department? Surely they have a policy that says the boss cannot sleep with the underlings. Every company has this policy. Either Dave ignored the policy, not likely, or they are just running one big fornicating factory over at CBS. I bet Jeff Probst is probably banging the Survivor girls and maybe a few of the better looking guys. 

The fact that one of the girls he slept with is 30 years his junior is not an issue for me. In fact, I commend Dave, who is otherwise not a handsome man, for being able to snag a halfway decent looking employee. He doesn’t have to be embarrassed like Bill Clinton and answer the, “You slept with that?”, questions. (For the record, I think technically his cigar slept with that woman, Miss Lewinsky). 

There is some question as to whether Dave was already with a steady mate at the time of his philandering. Who cares? He is a celebrity. Celebrities don’t have to abide by the same rules as the rest of us mere mortals. If Sarah Palin, for instance, wants to have sex with me (and she does) it is ok because she is a celebrity. Sure, it is not ok for me because I am not but I am hoping my wife will be in an understanding mood that day. 

As for the International Olympic Committee, what a joke they are. We send Michelle and Barack, plus Oprah, and they still shoot us down. Of course they did. They are a bunch of non-bathing, cigar smoking, fat, poopy faced, racist, foreigners. They never had any intention of giving us the Olympics. It will go to one of those Spanish speaking countries because, as we all know, the Mexicans basically rule the world these days. (And don’t kid yourself; Spain and Brazil are just like Mexico…nothing but tacos and sombreros). 

This will also make the terrorists happy because the airline tickets are cheaper to these other countries. Plus, their brown skin will fit right in. As I have mentioned before, if they would only shave those goat beards they would be completely unrecognizable in a crowd. That wouldn’t have happened in Chicago where they would have been surrounded by pasty white or charcoal black, fat men and women. You would be able to spot those skinny terrorists bastards from a mile away. 

EDIT: I see that the Olympics were awarded to Rio de Janeiro. Looks at these lunatics. They wear balloons on their heads for Christ’s sake. WTF?