Are All Women Gay?

May 29, 2011

I only ask because women seem to be doing gay things to each other all of the time. For instance, women often get a massage from another woman. I have never had a massage but I am pretty sure I would not want a guy drizzling oil all over my naked body and then rubbing all my nooks and crannies with his man hands.

Women also go to get “waxed” by other women. This fetish seemed to have started back in the day when some porn actress decided to do more than just trim her hedges. I have never understood why regular women look to porn stars for their personal hygiene but that’s not the part that concerns me. It’s the dripping wax or whatever on your hoo-hoo and then letting a stranger rip it off. What’s the male version of this? “Hey Bob, I need some hair off my ass and need my manscaping high and tight. Oh, and don’t be afraid to rub a little oil on my ball sac after you shave it.”

The oddest thing women do is have sex toy parties with each other. I don’t know what actually goes on at these parties but I see no reasonable way that they can be anything other than big gay orgies. Which is fine…just not something the guys would do. “Hey Ted. Take a look at this 9 inch dildo. Sure it my seem a little large for the backdoor but it has good action, comes with a 9 volt battery, and it guaranteed for life. Oh, and made in America. Here, let me slide this bad boy in you so you can test drive it”. Really? How do you women even look at each other after one of those parties?

Lastly, there seems to be some sort of fascination women have with showing off their “new” breasts. They can’t seem to wait to pop their new puppies out to all of their friends to show them how “real” they look. Um…sure they do. Then, only naturally, the other women have to respond with, “Can I touch them?” Why in the hell do you want to touch them? (“Rex, I just had a vasectomy. You wanna touch where they sliced me open?”) Then touching turns to slapping them from side to side to see what kind of aerodynamics they have. It is nothing less than bizarre.

For whatever reason, all women must be at least 40% gay. They will never admit to it but really ladies, look at the crap you do on a regular basis. Now imagine your man doing the same thing. See? You might as well slap a rainbow sticker on your car, blast the Indigo Girls, and roll up the sleeves on your flannel shirt. At least prison probably wouldn’t be too hard on you.

Oh, help me Jesus. This means even June Cleaver was a part time lesbo.