The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Everything

December 9, 2009

I am afraid that Global Warming is going to end the world but not before I die due to any of the various winter “storms of the century”. Or, Al Gore continues to speak and the greenhouse gasses he spews kills us all.

I fear that my lack of faith will lead to an eternal death but I am equally afraid of picking the wrong team. (Arriving in Heaven – “Excuse me, is Jesus here?” Large black man – “Sorry dude, you picked the wrong team. Asa lama lakum”)… Well, fu**.

I fear that I will have an enlarged bladder, enlarged prostate, and enlarged thingy. When I cut loose, it will be like a fire hydrant exploding and I will injure innocent bystanders.

I am afraid that I will be attacked by Al Qaeda but am equally afraid that I will be attacked by Randy Quaid trying to steal my lunch money. Where is the US military when you really need them?

I worry about not having health care but also worry about having crappy health care. “Oh! We were supposed to remove your gall bladder. Well sir, shit happens”.

I worry that the music industry will file a law suit against me for downloading music illegally but I am equally worried that the quality of the music will leave me deaf within 6 months.

I fear that Sarah Palin is not nearly as brilliant as she appears to be. I also fear that she is having a secret affair with Al Sharpton. (Explains the retarded baby).

I worry that Steven Spielberg will suffer from dementia and make a sequel to Jaws called Jews where short white men will swim aimlessly in the ocean looking for lost change.

I worry that the Tea Party people will recruit folks from Kentucky and they will go around trying to tea bag everyone. Worse yet, they will rub lemons on their junk which will make everyone pucker up and give the appearance of smooching their man purses.

I fear that the Mayans got it wrong and the world will really end in 2013. Vito is going to want his exceedingly large loan back and Salma Hayek, whose boobs I grabbed as the clock struck twelve, is going to punch my lights out. Oh, and the “wouldn’t it be funny if I painted my junk red, white and blue and run on the football field” will seem slightly less funny. Fu**ing Mayans…would it kill you to buy a watch?

Finally, I worry that the medication I am on will wear off soon and I regret writing all of the things mentioned above. I also fear that the meds I stole from the lady down the hall might give me a vagina. Is that possible?

Global Warming Is A Hoax

October 23, 2009

Or, perhaps it is not. I need someone to tell me what to think. I know this runs contrary to my request to be left alone to make decisions for myself but there is only so much time in any given day. I suspect to really know the truth, I would have to read a bunch of stuff and interpret graphs. Not gonna happen. 

A new poll says that 57% of Americans believe in global warming. While this seems like a pretty good percentage, the number of believers is actually decreasing. I would like to go with the majority but, I am not sure if these people can be trusted. 

Anecdotally, there have been really hot and really cold days recently. So, from my own personal experience, I could make a case either way. As to the ice caps melting and all that crap, I don’t get out of the country much so I don’t know what is going on. Tree huggers say they are shrinking, everyone else says they are growing. 

Al Gore seems to have done a lot of work on this subject but I don’t think that someone that really believes in global warming would own a big house or be fat. If Al looked like a 125 pound hippie living in a tent, he would be much more likely to get my vote. (Same goes for Bono although he does not have the fat issue. Still, how much energy is wasted making those huge glasses he wears? He doesn’t really give a shit). 

T Boone Pickens used to believe and bought all of those damned windmills to prove his point. Then he realized that Americans will NEVER give up SUV’s and consumption and just as quickly jumped off of the bandwagon. I don’t know what Barry thinks because he is still mulling it over. I think if New York City goes underwater; he might just be ready to make a stance…maybe. 

I wish Dubya or Cheney were still in charge because I always knew that they could be trusted to tell me the truth. Now, I have no one. Well, maybe Michael Moore but, again, he has the fat man issue. 

The bottom line is that I need one of you to tell me which way to go on this. I know that I am one of the few people in the world that has not studied this issue in depth so I know I can trust your opinions. If you have stories of how you put an egg on the sidewalk and it either froze or fried, that would be helpful. Also, if I end up either believing or not believing global warming, you need to tell me how to behave. For instance, if I don’t believe, should I buy a Hummer? (And I don’t mean the good kind). If I do believe, should I cover my house in tin foil to trap the escaping radiation generated by using a variety of Axe products? I am so confused. 

Your help is greatly appreciated. TL

global warming

Note Left By Bush For Obama

January 20, 2009

Howdy Borack,

As you know, there is a tradition that each President that is leaving office leaves a note for the new President. (Bill Clinton left me a note telling me where the best strip clubs are. He-he…Just a little Texas humor).

I just wanted to wish you well as the first colored negro black African American to hold this post. It is a difficult job and you need to use your brains a lot! Dick and Rummy helped me a lot so you will probably want some helpers too.

The media elite will try to trip you up with trick questions. Don’t let them! As we say in Texas, “fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice and we won’t be fooled again”. They also will try to get you to say you have made mistakes. I didn’t, so I never had to. Like, how was I supposed to know that Hurricane Katrina would get everything wet?

As a parent, it is hard to raise your kids in the spotlight. You might have it easier because I don’t think your kids are old enough to get drunk and puke on the Secret Service.  

Oh, and don’t let Al Gore come visit you…he will never leave! I think he is still pissed that I beat him in the election. It serves him right for misunderestimating me and not realizing what a great strategery that Karl and me put together.

I know you said you wanted to end the Iraq war soon. Good, cause we really need to get over to Iran and kick their asses! Ahkma-whatever his name is was a royal pain in my backside. Dick and Rummy wanted to take him out but I said, “Whoa boys! Only one war at a time”. That is the kind of Presidential thinking that you have to do.

Well, good luck to you. I ain’t gonna lie…I was kind of hoping Sarah would be moving in (even if it meant the old bag of bones won the election). I had the Secret Service set up some secret cameras, if you know what I mean. He- he…just some more Texas humor. Although I think we can both agree we would totally hit that.

If you need anything, just give me or Daddy a call. God bless you and God bless America.



P.S. Don’t say nuke-u-lar. The press will razz you hard about it.