Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

September 8, 2011

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?


West Memphis Three – What A Cluster F**k

August 19, 2011

If you are familiar with this case, then you know that the men convicted of killing three young boys in 1993 were released from prison today. For most people involved, it is either Casey Anthony Part 2 or, finally, justice for three young men that were wrongly convicted.

I think two things really set this crime apart. First, the heinous and brutal way the three children were murdered. (Wiki the West Memphis 3 for an overview of the case). Second, a very well made documentary about the murders, Paradise Lost, brought attention to the case that otherwise may have never been heard of outside of Arkansas. (There was also a follow-up documentary as well).

As with most crimes that end up being sensationalized, people quickly chose sides. Many trusted the local police department to do their job effectively and when they said that Echols, Baldwin, and Misskelley did it, that was enough. Also, the prosecution playing up the fact that these young men listened to heavy metal and were clearly Satan worshippers, well, in small town America…case closed. (Echols erratic behavior in court and occasional goth style only fueled those fires).

On the other hand, particularly after the Paradise Lost documentary was shown, another group of people decided that these three were simply being railroaded because they were easy prey. The local police wanted this horrible crime solved and closed as soon as possible and chose some young misfits to pin it on. The evidence was circumstantial, at best, and certainly there was room for doubt. Many identified with the young men, including several celebrities, and brought additional attention to the case.

That is my relatively non-biased introduction to the case. I have read about the case and watched the documentaries and here is my opinion. Like everyone else except the three accused or the actual killer(s), I haven’t a clue as to who did it. I thought the first documentary was fairly balanced and asked some important questions. The follow-up was very biased towards the defendants and that was disappointing to me. So, for either side to say definitively that they know the truth is flat out bullshit. Why people insist on choosing sides as if this were a sporting event (ala Casey Anthony, OJ, Robert Blake, etc) is very odd to me. Having an opinion is one thing; saying with certainty you factually know what happened must just be an ego thing.    

What I do know is that for the prosecutor to basically throw in the towel 18 years later is disgusting. All along, the case should have been re-tried. If the West Memphis 3 were innocent, so be it. Release them and continue the investigation. Three children were brutally murdered and their murderer(s) need to be brought to justice. People that harm children need to know that they will never be free from pursuit. Why the Arkansas State Police and FBI were not brought in in the first place is a complete mystery to me. Maybe children in Arkansas are considered disposable…especially poor ones from West Memphis.

Now, with all sides firmly entrenched and entirely too many people looking to make a buck off of this story, the truth may well never be known. Also, I suspect every convict that has spent 15 or more years in jail is now asking his or her attorney to ask for a plea deal. This case just reeks of incompetence and stupidity from top to bottom. No one should be happy with how this has turned out. If the West Memphis 3 are truly innocent, their lives were basically ruined. If they are indeed guilty, they can laugh all the way to the bank. In the end, three little boys died a horrible death and nothing will change that. Why justice for them is not worth fighting for is yet another complete mystery to me.

For Christopher Byers, Michael Moore, and Stevie Branch, I am sorry that the people in life (and death) who should have protected you, did not.

Planned Obsolescence

June 25, 2011

Yes, I am still alive. Just took a mini vacation in my brain. It’s pretty in there.

Anyway, I recently watched a documentary called Pyramids of Waste (2010), AKA The Lightbulb Conspiracy. I will link the video below (it’s under an hour long).

I don’t know whether to be pissed off or resigned by the movies message. In short, many / most consumer goods are built with a specific lifespan that is determined by the manufacturer. For instance, when mass production of lightbulbs first began, the average bulb lasted 2500 hours. However, a coalition of these manufacturers came together and decided to lower the life to just 1000 hours. They could, at worse, have the same production costs per unit but greatly increase the consumer’s purchases. Pretty nifty…for them.

There are other examples in the movie but this is a good place to start. Basically, the global consumer is being sold inferior products so that they will have no choice but to purchase those items over and over again. For most items, you don’t even have a choice to purchase a superior, albeit more expensive item. So, in the end, leadership at major corporations actually have their engineers make their products worse so they can sell more. I realize this is nothing new but when you think about it, the prolific numbers of merchandise that fall into this category is staggering. Greed, greed, and more fu**ing greed.

(To be fair, some items that are not disposable should be. Dildo’s, for instance. They should be one and done. You know the way spaghetti stains your Tupperware even though you wash it over and over? It’s just like a dildo. You can clean it however many times you want but that tuna smell is not going away…ever).

However, the counter argument is reasonable. If people bought items that lasted, say 20 years, wouldn’t manufacturing go straight into the toilet? Even if you sold those items at a premium, you would have a hard time holding down manufacturing costs and profits would certainly suffer. And, after all, what business is NOT in it for the money? Our love fest with consumption has driven the world economy for a long, long time. Fortunately, we are suckers for good marketing so this addiction is as strong as ever. If you build it, iPad 77, they will buy it. We are the very dickheads who bought “pet rocks” and “mood rings” by the millions. And if I see another one of those rubber wrist bands I am going to shit my pants and then throw it at the offender. We have a disease and big business has the cure.

What to do? Which side is right? I guess as long as we keep buying crap that we don’t need, someone will sell it to us. And if we keep throwing away perfectly goods items to get the newer, better version, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Still, this world isn’t going to get any bigger and this unbelievable rate of consumption is going to continue to take its toll on the environment. Don’t buy anything and we go straight into a depression. Or, keep buying inferior things and accept that you are going to get fu**ed, and fu**ed hard by The Man.

Personally, I am going to stay naked and live in a cardboard box by the freeway. Fu** you, you capitalist thugs. Yeah, I said it. Take your new whatever and shove it up your ass. I ain’t buying. (Except I am totally going to get one of those 4G phone thingies. They sound amazing). TL

Bloodsucking Big Business Douche Monkeys

Are All Women Gay?

May 29, 2011

I only ask because women seem to be doing gay things to each other all of the time. For instance, women often get a massage from another woman. I have never had a massage but I am pretty sure I would not want a guy drizzling oil all over my naked body and then rubbing all my nooks and crannies with his man hands.

Women also go to get “waxed” by other women. This fetish seemed to have started back in the day when some porn actress decided to do more than just trim her hedges. I have never understood why regular women look to porn stars for their personal hygiene but that’s not the part that concerns me. It’s the dripping wax or whatever on your hoo-hoo and then letting a stranger rip it off. What’s the male version of this? “Hey Bob, I need some hair off my ass and need my manscaping high and tight. Oh, and don’t be afraid to rub a little oil on my ball sac after you shave it.”

The oddest thing women do is have sex toy parties with each other. I don’t know what actually goes on at these parties but I see no reasonable way that they can be anything other than big gay orgies. Which is fine…just not something the guys would do. “Hey Ted. Take a look at this 9 inch dildo. Sure it my seem a little large for the backdoor but it has good action, comes with a 9 volt battery, and it guaranteed for life. Oh, and made in America. Here, let me slide this bad boy in you so you can test drive it”. Really? How do you women even look at each other after one of those parties?

Lastly, there seems to be some sort of fascination women have with showing off their “new” breasts. They can’t seem to wait to pop their new puppies out to all of their friends to show them how “real” they look. Um…sure they do. Then, only naturally, the other women have to respond with, “Can I touch them?” Why in the hell do you want to touch them? (“Rex, I just had a vasectomy. You wanna touch where they sliced me open?”) Then touching turns to slapping them from side to side to see what kind of aerodynamics they have. It is nothing less than bizarre.

For whatever reason, all women must be at least 40% gay. They will never admit to it but really ladies, look at the crap you do on a regular basis. Now imagine your man doing the same thing. See? You might as well slap a rainbow sticker on your car, blast the Indigo Girls, and roll up the sleeves on your flannel shirt. At least prison probably wouldn’t be too hard on you.

Oh, help me Jesus. This means even June Cleaver was a part time lesbo.

May 21st – Are You Ready?

May 17, 2011

As you all know, this Saturday will be the day of the Rapture. You know, when a bunch of people will be taken up to heaven and the rest of us will spend the next 5 months living in hell on earth. If you read the “Left Behind” series, you already have a pretty good image of what it will look like. In short, the “good” people will just evaporate leaving all of their earthly goods behind.

The man who foretold of this date is named Harold Camping. Harold is a Christian radio evangelist and came up with a math equation that figured out the exact date (suck on that Mayans!) Originally, Harold thought the date was 9/6/94 but he admitted that he made a calculation error. To be fair, math is really hard…particularly for our home schooled brothers and sisters.

The sad truth is, except for possibly Art, the vast majority of those who read this blog are not going to get called up on Saturday. Don’t feel bad. Harold estimates that only 200 million will get called on so that means that most people will still be here. For instance, countries that are primarily Jewish, Hindu, and Muslim will basically go untouched. I suspect most of the 200 million will come from the southern US and maybe a couple of people in Europe. Thanks to Scientology and the Mormons, Utah and California will also go unscathed.

So, what should you do? My plan is to take as much as I can from the folks that disappear. For instance, my neighbor is super religious so that whole family will be gone. I think Camping estimated the recall time to be about 6PM. I promise you; by 6:30, my neighbor’s house will be empty. I will also go quickly to churches. True, there is not much to take but they have some nice statues and stained glass. Plus, I can get an organ and some wafers and grape juice. And before you judge me, remember that I have been left behind for a reason so God pretty much expects this kind of behavior.

Because almost all wealthy people are heathens, you will have to aim kind of low to find free stuff. Don’t forget, going to a synagogue or any non-Christian worship center will also be a complete waste of time. If anything, all of those people are going to be extra pissed off because their faith will have turned out to be a complete sham. That’s probably going to sting a little so best to leave them alone for a while.

After you have collected your free stuff, sit back and enjoy the hilarity that will surely ensue once we see who has been left behind. The Pope? Left behind. Pat Robertson, Jack Van Impe, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggart, and James Dobson? All left behind. In fact, my sources tell me that Jerry Falwell will be returned to earth by Satan because he just can’t stand to be around the guy anymore. It will be a laugh riot watching these idiots explain how they missed the recall.

In any case, I will keep the blog going until the world is blown up. I don’t have anything better to do anyway. Good luck and see you on the 22nd. TL

Worst Job Ever? Insurance Agent

May 12, 2011

How do I know this? Because these peckerwoods call me almost everyday asking if I want to sell insurance. No one else calls, mind you…just every insurance company known to mankind. At least with my e-mail I can send them straight to the spam bucket.

I know you are thinking, “Gee TL, just don’t answer the phone”. Well that sounds like a good plan but what if Salma or Sarah Palin are trying to call me? I don’t know the area codes for LA and Alaska. Besides, people sell me all kinds of cool things through telemarketing. I’m not going to give that up to avoid the insurance scammers.

What I don’t understand is why my resume appeals to them. I have no discernible talent or expertise in anything. Is this what qualifies me? Are they looking for a blank slate to turn into a mind controlled insurance zombie? Are they just calling every single resume that gets posted online somewhere? If so, how freakin’ awful of a job is it when you have to ask every living, breathing person to take the job. Hell, Burger King or Wal-Mart aren’t even that desperate.

And what if I said yes to them? I couldn’t sell anything. In fact, I reverse sell everything I do. For instance, if I’m at a restaurant I will say, “You don’t have diet coke, do you?” Or when I was single, I might say, “If your vagina was on fire, and I was the only person nearby, you wouldn’t let me put it out, would you?” (By the way, the answer to the last question is invariably “no”).

Beyond all of that, insurance is the single biggest scam in the world. Scare the crap out of people so that they pay into a system that has a worse payout than the lottery. Of course it does! Just like the casino, insurance companies are in business for one reason…to make money. How am I supposed to lie to people and tell them that they need life insurance when there is no rule that says they have to die?  Wait…there is a rule that says they have to die? First, that sucks because I was pretty sure I would live forever and second, insurance sounds like a great thing to have.

Ok insurance companies of the world. Expect a phone call from me any day now. I want to sell life insurance to really, really old people in hospitals. They need it and I think I could win them over with my charm and minor bribery. (Plus, I could knock boots with some of the widows before they kick).

See? It’s a legitimate question.

Obama May Be American But He Is Still Black

April 29, 2011

And, after all, isn’t that the real problem here? Let’s say for a moment that I think that Hawaii is really part of America (which it isn’t). And let’s say that I honestly believe that Obama was born in Hawaii (he wasn’t). None of this changes the fact that a black man is POTUS.

As an occasional black man, I cannot be racist. However, the white side of me is in no way willing to accept that the black part of me is equal. I have not said anything to my black side as over the years my fellow blacks have taken over the sports and entertainment world. In fact, the greatest athletes /entertainers of all time are now virtually all black. Jordan, OJ Simpson (innocent!), Tiger, Mays, Oprah, L’il Wayne, anyone whose name starts with Ice, etc.

All I had to hold onto was Nascar, pro wrestling, monster trucks, country music, hockey, religion, and politics. These are all things I could enjoy exclusively with my fellow white peeps and not worry about “non-Americans” getting involved. I don’t bring my white side to black events (rap music, gang banging, drinking 40’s, tappin that ass, etc) so it’s only reasonable that my white interests remain exclusive.

Then, along comes Barry and his white man sounding black self. Saying all the things that people wanted to hear and, most notably, being able to correctly enunciate the word “nuclear”. Sure, his wife looks like Godzilla but his family is very likeable. Long story short, he is now the top dog. Great. Soon, the biggest country star will be a black guy named L’il Billy Bob, Nascar will be dominated by Mohammed something or another, and black people will be allowed in all white churches. (Ok, that last thing isn’t going to happen but you get my point).

And it won’t stop with Obama. Oh no. Soon the Mexicans will have a presidential candidate as well as the Chinese. Us white people will have nothing left to call our own. I guess we could take over Canada but who would want to? No, it will be just like Planet of the Apes. Yes, some of the female apes were hot and it would be fun to have monkey sex but that’s not the point. White people will become obsolete and irrelevant. Let’s face it…we’re just not very good at being second class citizens like minorities are. They have had hundreds of years to learn to put up with bigotry and hatred, we haven’t.   

So, pat yourselves on the back, Obama lovers. Keep telling yourselves he is American and that’s all that matters. My God, next people will be saying that women should also have an opportunity to be POTUS. WTF is going on in MY AMERICA!!!