May 21st – Are You Ready?

As you all know, this Saturday will be the day of the Rapture. You know, when a bunch of people will be taken up to heaven and the rest of us will spend the next 5 months living in hell on earth. If you read the “Left Behind” series, you already have a pretty good image of what it will look like. In short, the “good” people will just evaporate leaving all of their earthly goods behind.

The man who foretold of this date is named Harold Camping. Harold is a Christian radio evangelist and came up with a math equation that figured out the exact date (suck on that Mayans!) Originally, Harold thought the date was 9/6/94 but he admitted that he made a calculation error. To be fair, math is really hard…particularly for our home schooled brothers and sisters.

The sad truth is, except for possibly Art, the vast majority of those who read this blog are not going to get called up on Saturday. Don’t feel bad. Harold estimates that only 200 million will get called on so that means that most people will still be here. For instance, countries that are primarily Jewish, Hindu, and Muslim will basically go untouched. I suspect most of the 200 million will come from the southern US and maybe a couple of people in Europe. Thanks to Scientology and the Mormons, Utah and California will also go unscathed.

So, what should you do? My plan is to take as much as I can from the folks that disappear. For instance, my neighbor is super religious so that whole family will be gone. I think Camping estimated the recall time to be about 6PM. I promise you; by 6:30, my neighbor’s house will be empty. I will also go quickly to churches. True, there is not much to take but they have some nice statues and stained glass. Plus, I can get an organ and some wafers and grape juice. And before you judge me, remember that I have been left behind for a reason so God pretty much expects this kind of behavior.

Because almost all wealthy people are heathens, you will have to aim kind of low to find free stuff. Don’t forget, going to a synagogue or any non-Christian worship center will also be a complete waste of time. If anything, all of those people are going to be extra pissed off because their faith will have turned out to be a complete sham. That’s probably going to sting a little so best to leave them alone for a while.

After you have collected your free stuff, sit back and enjoy the hilarity that will surely ensue once we see who has been left behind. The Pope? Left behind. Pat Robertson, Jack Van Impe, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggart, and James Dobson? All left behind. In fact, my sources tell me that Jerry Falwell will be returned to earth by Satan because he just can’t stand to be around the guy anymore. It will be a laugh riot watching these idiots explain how they missed the recall.

In any case, I will keep the blog going until the world is blown up. I don’t have anything better to do anyway. Good luck and see you on the 22nd. TL

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15 Responses to May 21st – Are You Ready?

  1. So, you’re saying we can expect some job openings next week?

  2. Christa says:

    So, is that the sign in front of Grace Church?

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    This post coincides with a Washington Post article on an entrepreneur who offers Rapture Services for pets left behind by evangelicals. After launching Eternal Earthbound Pets USA in 2009, Bart Centre has well over 250 clients (each paying the minimum $135 and $20 for each additional pet…good for ten years). Bart is an atheist as are his atheist contractors who he makes blaspheme as a job prerequisite (to ensure they are left behind). Bart pledges “We can commit to you that we have the resources and infrastructure to rescue your pet from slow starvation or thirst, at just over a dollar a month.”

    TL, this beats selling insurance.

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    i hope the people at comcast get raptured. my ‘on demand’ wasn’t working again, and it’s really pissing me off. 😡

  5. I think this will making dating easier for us divorced types as well…

  6. Funny TL. I thought the Heavens Gate/Hale Bopp folks were more committed and more fun.

  7. bschooled says:

    I was home schooled AND self-taught. And still I never graduated. (What can I say, I’m a really hard marker.)

    • tannerleah says:

      You should have started your own swim team. You would NEVER flunk the best (only) swimmer. Plus, you could have got one of those cool lettermen jackets.

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