Are All Women Gay?

May 29, 2011

I only ask because women seem to be doing gay things to each other all of the time. For instance, women often get a massage from another woman. I have never had a massage but I am pretty sure I would not want a guy drizzling oil all over my naked body and then rubbing all my nooks and crannies with his man hands.

Women also go to get “waxed” by other women. This fetish seemed to have started back in the day when some porn actress decided to do more than just trim her hedges. I have never understood why regular women look to porn stars for their personal hygiene but that’s not the part that concerns me. It’s the dripping wax or whatever on your hoo-hoo and then letting a stranger rip it off. What’s the male version of this? “Hey Bob, I need some hair off my ass and need my manscaping high and tight. Oh, and don’t be afraid to rub a little oil on my ball sac after you shave it.”

The oddest thing women do is have sex toy parties with each other. I don’t know what actually goes on at these parties but I see no reasonable way that they can be anything other than big gay orgies. Which is fine…just not something the guys would do. “Hey Ted. Take a look at this 9 inch dildo. Sure it my seem a little large for the backdoor but it has good action, comes with a 9 volt battery, and it guaranteed for life. Oh, and made in America. Here, let me slide this bad boy in you so you can test drive it”. Really? How do you women even look at each other after one of those parties?

Lastly, there seems to be some sort of fascination women have with showing off their “new” breasts. They can’t seem to wait to pop their new puppies out to all of their friends to show them how “real” they look. Um…sure they do. Then, only naturally, the other women have to respond with, “Can I touch them?” Why in the hell do you want to touch them? (“Rex, I just had a vasectomy. You wanna touch where they sliced me open?”) Then touching turns to slapping them from side to side to see what kind of aerodynamics they have. It is nothing less than bizarre.

For whatever reason, all women must be at least 40% gay. They will never admit to it but really ladies, look at the crap you do on a regular basis. Now imagine your man doing the same thing. See? You might as well slap a rainbow sticker on your car, blast the Indigo Girls, and roll up the sleeves on your flannel shirt. At least prison probably wouldn’t be too hard on you.

Oh, help me Jesus. This means even June Cleaver was a part time lesbo.

May 21st – Are You Ready?

May 17, 2011

As you all know, this Saturday will be the day of the Rapture. You know, when a bunch of people will be taken up to heaven and the rest of us will spend the next 5 months living in hell on earth. If you read the “Left Behind” series, you already have a pretty good image of what it will look like. In short, the “good” people will just evaporate leaving all of their earthly goods behind.

The man who foretold of this date is named Harold Camping. Harold is a Christian radio evangelist and came up with a math equation that figured out the exact date (suck on that Mayans!) Originally, Harold thought the date was 9/6/94 but he admitted that he made a calculation error. To be fair, math is really hard…particularly for our home schooled brothers and sisters.

The sad truth is, except for possibly Art, the vast majority of those who read this blog are not going to get called up on Saturday. Don’t feel bad. Harold estimates that only 200 million will get called on so that means that most people will still be here. For instance, countries that are primarily Jewish, Hindu, and Muslim will basically go untouched. I suspect most of the 200 million will come from the southern US and maybe a couple of people in Europe. Thanks to Scientology and the Mormons, Utah and California will also go unscathed.

So, what should you do? My plan is to take as much as I can from the folks that disappear. For instance, my neighbor is super religious so that whole family will be gone. I think Camping estimated the recall time to be about 6PM. I promise you; by 6:30, my neighbor’s house will be empty. I will also go quickly to churches. True, there is not much to take but they have some nice statues and stained glass. Plus, I can get an organ and some wafers and grape juice. And before you judge me, remember that I have been left behind for a reason so God pretty much expects this kind of behavior.

Because almost all wealthy people are heathens, you will have to aim kind of low to find free stuff. Don’t forget, going to a synagogue or any non-Christian worship center will also be a complete waste of time. If anything, all of those people are going to be extra pissed off because their faith will have turned out to be a complete sham. That’s probably going to sting a little so best to leave them alone for a while.

After you have collected your free stuff, sit back and enjoy the hilarity that will surely ensue once we see who has been left behind. The Pope? Left behind. Pat Robertson, Jack Van Impe, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggart, and James Dobson? All left behind. In fact, my sources tell me that Jerry Falwell will be returned to earth by Satan because he just can’t stand to be around the guy anymore. It will be a laugh riot watching these idiots explain how they missed the recall.

In any case, I will keep the blog going until the world is blown up. I don’t have anything better to do anyway. Good luck and see you on the 22nd. TL

Worst Job Ever? Insurance Agent

May 12, 2011

How do I know this? Because these peckerwoods call me almost everyday asking if I want to sell insurance. No one else calls, mind you…just every insurance company known to mankind. At least with my e-mail I can send them straight to the spam bucket.

I know you are thinking, “Gee TL, just don’t answer the phone”. Well that sounds like a good plan but what if Salma or Sarah Palin are trying to call me? I don’t know the area codes for LA and Alaska. Besides, people sell me all kinds of cool things through telemarketing. I’m not going to give that up to avoid the insurance scammers.

What I don’t understand is why my resume appeals to them. I have no discernible talent or expertise in anything. Is this what qualifies me? Are they looking for a blank slate to turn into a mind controlled insurance zombie? Are they just calling every single resume that gets posted online somewhere? If so, how freakin’ awful of a job is it when you have to ask every living, breathing person to take the job. Hell, Burger King or Wal-Mart aren’t even that desperate.

And what if I said yes to them? I couldn’t sell anything. In fact, I reverse sell everything I do. For instance, if I’m at a restaurant I will say, “You don’t have diet coke, do you?” Or when I was single, I might say, “If your vagina was on fire, and I was the only person nearby, you wouldn’t let me put it out, would you?” (By the way, the answer to the last question is invariably “no”).

Beyond all of that, insurance is the single biggest scam in the world. Scare the crap out of people so that they pay into a system that has a worse payout than the lottery. Of course it does! Just like the casino, insurance companies are in business for one reason…to make money. How am I supposed to lie to people and tell them that they need life insurance when there is no rule that says they have to die?  Wait…there is a rule that says they have to die? First, that sucks because I was pretty sure I would live forever and second, insurance sounds like a great thing to have.

Ok insurance companies of the world. Expect a phone call from me any day now. I want to sell life insurance to really, really old people in hospitals. They need it and I think I could win them over with my charm and minor bribery. (Plus, I could knock boots with some of the widows before they kick).

See? It’s a legitimate question.