As someone who has recently become unemployed, I was surprised by how little good information was out there on the Interweb regarding job interviews. Basically, it was all very generic and certainly not the kind of info that is going to give you the best shot at landing a gig. So, because I am such a giving person, I will share with you some of my inside tips and tricks to land that elusive job.
This is not an all-inclusive list so feel free to add if you would like. Here are the basic points (this primarily is for men although women are free to try the same tactics):
- Dress for success. Too many people screw this simple detail up. Men, wear the tightest trousers you have. You need to show you are a virile stud and want your junk to be proudly on display to everyone. You are the KING! (Asian men – you are probably going to need to stuff…don’t be ashamed). Also, wear a nice cologne. I use Old Spice with a few drops of my man juice mixed in. Women love that musty, chlorine smell.
- Make direct eye contact. When you walk through the front office, make eye contact with ALL of the ladies. Stare at them until they are slightly uncomfortable and then wink at them. If you are man enough, like me, then lick your lips slowly and do the “hand gun” motion at them followed by saying “Pow!” My friend, you pretty much have the job at this point.
- Shaking hands. If you are being interviewed by a female, shake her hand and then kiss it. You want to use just a little tongue on the hand kiss because you are basically marking her as yours. If it’s a man, give him a fist bump with explosion. It’s a sign of brotherhood.
- Posture matters! When you sit down, make sure that you kind of slide down in the chair and sit as if you are getting a lap dance from a stripper. This will give you a relaxed look but still show authority.
- Ask questions. Nothing is worse than when an interviewer says, “Do you have any questions?” and you sit there with a dumb look on your face. The best kind of questions are the ones where it is also a compliment. For a female interviewer, you might point at her rack and say, “Wow, are those real?” Works every time. For a guy, ask “How many of those chicks in the office have you banged?” Again, an excellent question/compliment that will go a long way in sealing the deal.
- Finally, as you are preparing to leave, remind the interviewer that you have done your homework and are well prepared. Say something like, “I know you live at 1342 Sycamore Drive and if I don’t get this job, You will be seeing me soon. It’s a promise”. There will be an awkward silence and then you say, “Just kidding!” Nothing ends a good interview like a funny joke.
I don’t have time to go through my many other tips and tricks but this should get you off to a good start. I know what you are thinking. “Gee, TL. Does this really work?” The simple answer is yes! The only reason I haven’t landed a job yet using these techniques is because people know that if they hire me, I will in very short order take their job from them. I don’t care. I will not lower my standards just to placate “the man”.
Good luck on your job search and don’t be afraid to mention me and my blog as a reference. TL
By the way, here is what I normally wear to an interview. Notice it is formal yet casual (Not an easy look to pull off).