Obama May Be American But He Is Still Black

April 29, 2011

And, after all, isn’t that the real problem here? Let’s say for a moment that I think that Hawaii is really part of America (which it isn’t). And let’s say that I honestly believe that Obama was born in Hawaii (he wasn’t). None of this changes the fact that a black man is POTUS.

As an occasional black man, I cannot be racist. However, the white side of me is in no way willing to accept that the black part of me is equal. I have not said anything to my black side as over the years my fellow blacks have taken over the sports and entertainment world. In fact, the greatest athletes /entertainers of all time are now virtually all black. Jordan, OJ Simpson (innocent!), Tiger, Mays, Oprah, L’il Wayne, anyone whose name starts with Ice, etc.

All I had to hold onto was Nascar, pro wrestling, monster trucks, country music, hockey, religion, and politics. These are all things I could enjoy exclusively with my fellow white peeps and not worry about “non-Americans” getting involved. I don’t bring my white side to black events (rap music, gang banging, drinking 40’s, tappin that ass, etc) so it’s only reasonable that my white interests remain exclusive.

Then, along comes Barry and his white man sounding black self. Saying all the things that people wanted to hear and, most notably, being able to correctly enunciate the word “nuclear”. Sure, his wife looks like Godzilla but his family is very likeable. Long story short, he is now the top dog. Great. Soon, the biggest country star will be a black guy named L’il Billy Bob, Nascar will be dominated by Mohammed something or another, and black people will be allowed in all white churches. (Ok, that last thing isn’t going to happen but you get my point).

And it won’t stop with Obama. Oh no. Soon the Mexicans will have a presidential candidate as well as the Chinese. Us white people will have nothing left to call our own. I guess we could take over Canada but who would want to? No, it will be just like Planet of the Apes. Yes, some of the female apes were hot and it would be fun to have monkey sex but that’s not the point. White people will become obsolete and irrelevant. Let’s face it…we’re just not very good at being second class citizens like minorities are. They have had hundreds of years to learn to put up with bigotry and hatred, we haven’t.   

So, pat yourselves on the back, Obama lovers. Keep telling yourselves he is American and that’s all that matters. My God, next people will be saying that women should also have an opportunity to be POTUS. WTF is going on in MY AMERICA!!!

Free Condoms! (But you have to be at least 11)

April 22, 2011

I should also mention that you need to live in Philly. Read all about it here. http://www.takecontrolphilly.org/ Thank goodness someone is literally taking control of the problem of teenage STD’s and pregnancy. (Well, to be exact, pre-teen and teen). Fill out the form and they will send them to you in the mail. How awesome is that? You don’t even need your stupid parent’s consent.

Unfortunately, if you are over 19, no free condoms for you. But that’s ok. Old women shouldn’t be having babies anyway. And if you get the herpes…well, you can just say you are a celebrity or something.

There are some possible drawbacks to this program. First, if everyone really did use condoms, who in the hell would be available as a guest for the Maury Povich show? It would be a crying shame not to see if Billy Bob or Tyrone ARE or ARE NOT the parents of little Skillet or D’Brickashaw. Plus, Pregnant at 16 or whatever those shows are on MTV would be over. It would suck not being able to see the ugly teenage mom beat the crap out of her fat, retarded boyfriend.

Plus, I am sure some people are going to say that 11 is way to young to give somebody a condom. Nevermind the emotional and practical consequences of such behavior; how will they even know how to use the thing? No problem. takecontrolphilly.com has got it covered. Here are the instructions: 

  • AFTER EJACULATION (coming), and while the penis is still hard, hold the condom at the base of the penis and pull out of your partner’s vagina or anus. Gently roll the condom back toward the penis head and remove. Throw it in the trash. DO NOT flush it down the toilet.

Out of the “vagina or anus”. Oh yeah, our boys in Philly are going to be backdoor men. I am glad to see that they instruct the kids not to flush them down the toilet. They should throw them on the floor board of their Big Wheel or shoot them like rubber bands at their teachers. Oh the fun to be had by all!

One last note. If you go to one of the clinics that are open for the young people and are diagnosed with an STD, no worries. Your parents will NOT be notified. Sure, at some point you are going to have to explain what that big gaping open sore on your lip is but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. It is good to know that there are organizations out there willing to be the parents of other people’s children. (Whether the parent’s consent or not).

There are a whole litany of lines that I am inclined to cross regarding this subject but I will show restraint. (Like I normally do).

11 year old: “I’m not wearing that. I can’t feel you”.

Explain The God Thing To Me Again

April 20, 2011

As you know, my spiritual quest never seems to end. I am fascinated by the religious and nonreligious. Both sides are adamantly convinced they are right with little or no supporting evidence. It’s pretty much based on the parenting theory, “Because I said so”. And while this is no doubt a solid stance, I wish there was a little more credible debate.

The God side has a wide variety of beliefs and traditions. The general rules are a) be nice to other people b) don’t kill anyone c) try not to fornicate too much or with too many people d) give money to the church so it can continue to spread the word and e) stay away from gay people at all costs. There are some other less important rules but I think these are the main ones.

The non-God side says that there is no God and that science can pretty much answer any question you might have. They stay away from the “meaning of life” argument other than to say there is no particular meaning. We are simply part of the eco system and when we are done, we are done. While this is a sound argument, it is ultimately empty. It gives basic equal value to all living things and, while a good philosophy to live by, allows for little in the realm of the extraordinary. In short, it is boring and somewhat self condemning. Perhaps the biggest issue with these folks, however, is the “I am mentally superior to you” attitude. That’s great except some of the members of your team leave a little to be desired. Lenin, Pol Pot, Mussolini…you know who your peeps are.

My favorite part of the argument is “the beginning”. God always has been and always will be. Or, time as we know it started with the Big Bang. What was before the Big Bang? Don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Our way of measuring time is linear and not all-encompassing.  Both answers would fall in the, “I don’t have a fu**ing clue” category. To be fair, some more progressive folks on both sides actually embrace this lack of knowledge and are open to multiple possibilities.

In the end, my problem with God is that he is too passive. He seems to be off golfing or doing laundry while people of all ages, colors, and ethnicities die excruciating deaths on a daily basis. It would seem that an all-knowing, compassionate God would not torture His minions regardless of some big payoff that we as mere mortals can’t comprehend. Just let me call bullshit on that one. What entity of any form would allow a child to suffer for any reason? Doesn’t make the least bit of sense.

My issue with the no God folks is that, if they are right, life as we know it kind of sucks. We get this miniscule period of time to be on Earth and when it’s done, it’s done. While we do have free will and the ability to create, what in the hell do we have to show for it? A whole shit ton of people living an amazingly impoverished and ignorant life. Not always by their choosing; simply by the luck of where they were born. That’s right my Christian friends. If your dad had shot his wad in Hawaii, you would not be American. Or, if were Indonesia, you would be Muslim (Pronounced Moooo-slim).

So, from my point of view, many people hold out for what is behind door number 2. They can take the sure thing but want to hold out for much, much more. It is the lottery but with a much bigger payoff. From a “what do I have to lose” standpoint, it makes perfect sense. However, what a better world it would be if people embraced their time on Earth rather than spending copious amounts of time investing in a pipe dream. I think before I die, I will write an “I told you!” blog for each possibility. I like to have my bases covered.

TSA Saves Us From 6 Year Old Bomber

April 12, 2011

I watched a documentary last night that basically called into question the value of the TSA. It talked about the massive money spent and the gradual infringement on our freedom. The bottom line question was, is it all worth it? This video assured me that it is.

While many of you may see a small, innocent child, the TSA saw something much more nefarious. That’s right…possibly the world’s youngest terrorist. Don’t be fooled by her cute little animal shirt or tiny little body. Look into her eyes and you will see much, much more. The cold, soulless eyes of an experienced assassin. Was she going to use her martial arts training to overpower the flight attendants and then cry at the cockpit door until the unsuspecting pilot opened it only to have his eyes poked out by this warrior ninja?

Was she hiding a bomb under her giant belly? Or maybe she had a 10″ shiv jammed down her Underoos. Or maybe she is just a drug mule and swallowed copious amounts of heroin to sneak into Disneyland. Thankfully, we will never know because the good folks at the TSA brought her down before she could implement her devious plan. My hope is that they also did a thorough cavity search because, well, you just never know with a 6-year-old.

Now, you might be wondering why this little Jihadist Jennifer’s parents would allow their daughter to be shook down. Like the dad says in the video, “They’re just doing their job”. See? When someone is “just doing their job”, you have no power to stop it. The fact that a complete stranger is reaching inside your 6-year-old daughters underwear is completely understandable because they are “just doing their job”. Great job mom and dad. Way to show your kid that, when it comes to adult authority, there is no room to question. Being a good parent and American today means also being an outstanding lemming. I wish the TSA agent had stuck her wand up dad’s ass so we could hear him whimper meekly, “they’re just doing their job. And, hey, that feels kind of good”.

Like Juan Williams who said he gets nervous when he sees people in “Muslim garb” at the airport, I get nervous when I see little kids. I am convinced that some of these kids are Middle East anchor babies and are going to bring this country to its knees. Think they won’t do it? Watch “Children of the Corn”, The Exorcist, or The Omen”. All movies where the children turn into little Al Qaeda wannabes. (By the way, who knew that Linda Blair would turn into such a hottie after being such an ugly kid?)

Thank you TSA for making this great country safe. Keep your eyes open for the old folks with oxygen tanks too. Who knows what they really have in those tanks. And people with colostomy bags…enough juice in that bag to bring down a plane for sure. There are plenty of other people you should watch (midget’s, Eskimo’s, politicians, and all non-white people for example) but I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. You guys and gals rock! TL

(No wonder the devil was all up in her business).

Government Shutdown? Oh, The Horror!!!

April 6, 2011

If the US government truly shuts down this weekend, I may no longer have a reason to live. The government is like the father I never had. It tells me what I can and cannot do. It tells me how to spend my money and how much I get to keep each paycheck. It keeps me safe from Muslims and goes to war to protect me from imminent threats. I am not telling any of you anything you don’t already know…we all belong to the government.

So, if it shuts down, what am I supposed to do? Fortunately, there are several critical branches of the government that will not close down no matter what. The IRS being one of those departments. Thank God. What would I do with a bunch of extra money that the government so richly deserves? Also, I am happy to know that all of the members of the Senate and Congress will keep getting paid during the shutdown. They live paycheck to paycheck so good to see they will be ok.

In fact, the NFL and NFLPA should use this model. Have a strike / lockout but keep paying everyone. See how great that would be? No one would have to suffer except the fans. Just like the only ones suffering from a government shutdown would be the taxpayers. What a funny coincidence. It’s like when we go to war and kill a few bad guys and a lot of innocent people. (What we refer to as collateral damage). None of the people who make these decisions ever seem to feel the negative impact directly. And that’s a good thing because, again, without these tyrants good folks, who would tell us what cliff to walk off of? (metaphorically speaking).

And before you even think that this fight between the Reps. and Dems. is not worth fighting, let me clue you in on an important fact. The right wants to cut the budget by $60 billion…the left by $30 billion. That is a HUGE difference. If we go with the right, the new national debt will be $14,217, 259,078,943. If the left gets their way, the new debt will be $14,247,259,078,943. That is almost a GIGANTIC 0.2% difference. Think it’s worth shutting down the government over this now? I thought so.

Hopefully, the US government will realize that it is simply too big to fail and bail itself out. Maybe the Fed can print a couple of trillion dollars as kind of a temporary loan. That way, we can not only pay everyone what they want, we can also keep all 3 wars going and take a shot at Iran, if needed. Sure, our children’s children will probably have to pay this off at some point but who gives a shit? We will all be long dead by then so let them worry about it. By God, this is America and I want mine and I want it now! (Well, whatever the government tells me I should have). God bless America! TL

Tips On How To Ace A Job Interview

April 1, 2011

As someone who has recently become unemployed, I was surprised by how little good information was out there on the Interweb regarding job interviews. Basically, it was all very generic and certainly not the kind of info that is going to give you the best shot at landing a gig. So, because I am such a giving person, I will share with you some of my inside tips and tricks to land that elusive job.

This is not an all-inclusive list so feel free to add if you would like. Here are the basic points (this primarily is for men although women are free to try the same tactics):

  • Dress for success. Too many people screw this simple detail up. Men, wear the tightest trousers you have. You need to show you are a virile stud and want your junk to be proudly on display to everyone. You are the KING! (Asian men – you are probably going to need to stuff…don’t be ashamed). Also, wear a nice cologne. I use Old Spice with a few drops of my man juice mixed in. Women love that musty, chlorine smell.
  • Make direct eye contact. When you walk through the front office, make eye contact with ALL of the ladies. Stare at them until they are slightly uncomfortable and then wink at them. If you are man enough, like me, then lick your lips slowly and do the “hand gun” motion at them followed by saying “Pow!” My friend, you pretty much have the job at this point.
  • Shaking hands. If you are being interviewed by a female, shake her hand and then kiss it. You want to use just a little tongue on the hand kiss because you are basically marking her as yours. If it’s a man, give him a fist bump with explosion. It’s a sign of brotherhood.
  • Posture matters! When you sit down, make sure that you kind of slide down in the chair and sit as if you are getting a lap dance from a stripper. This will give you a relaxed look but still show authority.
  • Ask questions. Nothing is worse than when an interviewer says, “Do you have any questions?” and you sit there with a dumb look on your face. The best kind of questions are the ones where it is also a compliment. For a female interviewer, you might point at her rack and say, “Wow, are those real?” Works every time. For a guy, ask “How many of those chicks in the office have you banged?” Again, an excellent question/compliment that will go a long way in sealing the deal.
  • Finally, as you are preparing to leave, remind the interviewer that you have done your homework and are well prepared. Say something like, “I know you live at 1342 Sycamore Drive and if I don’t get this job, You will be seeing me soon. It’s a promise”. There will be an awkward silence and then you say, “Just kidding!” Nothing ends a good interview like a funny joke.

I don’t have time to go through my many other tips and tricks but this should get you off to a good start. I know what you are thinking. “Gee, TL. Does this really work?” The simple answer is yes! The only reason I haven’t landed a job yet using these techniques is because people know that if they hire me, I will in very short order take their job from them. I don’t care. I will not lower my standards just to placate “the man”.

Good luck on your job search and don’t be afraid to mention me and my blog as a reference. TL

By the way, here is what I normally wear to an interview. Notice it is formal yet casual (Not an easy look to pull off).