Can We Cancel St. Patrick’s Day?

After all, what in the hell is the purpose of this day? To honor a Catholic saint? I’m not Catholic so why would I honor him, or any other religious icon. (Except for Christmas…there is no scenario where I’m giving that one up). Besides, don’t other religions have similar saint-like people? Don’t the Jews or Muslims have someone? Why can’t they get a day? I don’t get it.

If this is just an attempt to make the Irish happy, then I also have a problem with that. How come the Italians or Spanish don’t get a “special” day. Why just the Irish? All they have given us is gingers, midgets and potatoes. Now, I’m not going to lie, the potato giving is almost a good enough reason to get a special day but not quite. Besides, when have the Irish needed a special reason to get drunk? It’s like giving priests a special “children’s lap sitting” day; they don’t need one. The other 364 days work just fine.

How about we just stop having holidays for everyone. If you love St Patrick, wear green and get drunk everyday. If you love the Easter Bunny, and who doesn’t, give your children a basket of candy everyday of the week. It’s not like they aren’t already big fat cows so what’s a little more candy going to hurt? Have them wash it down with an “energy” drink. And please, get rid of St Valentine’s day. I don’t know who the hell this Saint is but he/she costs me way too much money.

Ok. Everything I wrote above is a lie. I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day! C’mon, how can you not like “Erin go braless” as a motto for the day. That should be the motto everyday. (Obviously, this would not apply to Erin Andrews because she does not like people looking at her boobs). Plus, I read you can rent a midget for just $35,000 on St. Patty’s Day. Say what you want about midgets, but they have high moral and ethical standards. You want to dress me in green and throw me around like a bag of garbage? You’re going to pay for it buddy.

Here is my costume for this year. I didn’t quite know where to put my “Kiss me I’m Irish sticker” so I just ad libbed. It’s where I normally wear my mistletoe so I thought this would also work. Hope you enjoy and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!! TL


5 Responses to Can We Cancel St. Patrick’s Day?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    The Jews honor the great saint Neiman Marcus.

    Twas the night before Christmas
    and down here in Boca,
    I was sitting at Starbucks,
    drinking my mocha.

    I know we’re all Jewish,
    but was wondering still,
    if Santa would come here
    and give us a thrill.

    On my way home,
    no Christmas lights did I see,
    on the houses, the windows,
    not even the trees.

    What a strange feeling.
    Not a decoration in sight.
    Was it really December
    or a warm summer’s night?

    I drove past Toojay’s,
    there were lines out the door.
    People were waiting
    for kishka and more.

    The restaurants were busy,
    Christmas dinners not planned.
    Never, not here
    we’re in Boca Land.
    At home all was quiet.
    I left out Kosher wine,
    In case Santa came to Boca
    for the very first time.

    Snoozing came easy
    to me Christmas Eve.
    I wasn’t waiting for presents
    to be left under a tree.

    I could hope all I want.
    I could fuss and then see,
    if Santa would make time
    for little old me.

    Then all of a sudden
    he pulled up in his Jag,
    with a sack full of presents
    each sporting a tag.

    Oh Bloomies, oh Saks
    Oh Neiman’s and more.
    He knows where to shop,
    he frequents my stores!

    He looked for the lox,
    the bagels and deli.
    He came to Boca first
    to fill up his belly!

    “I have a long night ahead,
    I want you to know.
    From Boca I leave
    for New York and the snow.”

    He stayed for a while,
    he chatted and ate.
    Then he left in a flash
    before it got late.

    What a great night
    I thought with a sigh.
    That jolly old Santa
    is a really nice guy.

    As I cleared off the table
    I heard with delight
    “Shalom to you all,
    and OY, what a night!!

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    P.S. This is one reason it sucks to be sober.

  3. Would you happen to know if that $35K midget rental fee is lower on non-leprechaun/elf-related holidays? I’d like to utilize a midget for some diversionary tactics, but I don’t think I can up with that kind of cash, drinking holiday or not.

    As for the Irish: are they drinking more on St. Patrick’s Day or is the uptick nearly unnoticeable? It would seem that the constantly loaded citizenry wouldn’t really need an excuse to drink more. You’d think that the OPEN sign being turned on at the pub would be excuse enough.

  4. seriously says:

    Implying Irish people love Saint Patricks as much as the plastic paddies in America

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