Seriously, was Oprah too busy to take on the role? Or maybe Rosie O’Donnell just wasn’t quite fat enough to pull it off. Julianne “I am as white as a ghost, freckled like an 89 year old man on Miami Beach, have the sex appeal of that stuff that oozes out of your eye when it’s infected, and the worst Boston accent evah” Moore is really the best you could do? Hmm…let’s compare the two.
Here we see Sarah rocking her Naughty Monkey red pumps. Notice the muscular calves she developed by being a superstar athlete in her youth. Notice the way her heaving bosom is trying to desperately escape her crimson jacket. Notice the disgusted and pissed off look of the chick in the blue blouse standing behind only wishing that she could be as awesome as Sarah. In short, this is the picture of a Goddess. Not the icky, Hep C type that Charlie Sheen hangs out with. Only Wonder Woman could come close to matching her exquisite awesomeness.
Now let’s look at that Moore woman.
To be fair, I tried to find a “flattering” shot of Ms. Moore and this was about the best I could come up with. *Sigh* Where do I even start? Jesus Christ, she has more freckles than Lindsay Lohan. In fact, she makes Lindsay look like an African American compared to her. Moore is not even white…she is opaque. You can see her bones through her skin. She’s got old woman lips that are pruned up as if she had been held underwater for the last 36 hours. She has flapjacks for boobs and a forehead the size of Ethiopia. (Which I think is a really, really big country). Where is the sex appeal? The athleticism? The sparkle and fire? She’s not even wearing a pearl necklace for Christ’s sake.
Yes, I am sure they can spray a tan on her, give her the glasses, dye her hair, and, well, I don’t know what they will do with her wrinkly lips. That’s not the point. The point is Sarah has tiger blood in her (well, actually it’s on her from a recent safari) and the DNA of the female equivalent of Adonis. She oozes sexuality and the ability to kick your ass all at the same time. I love her and fear her in a way that only Adrienne Barbeau and my ex prison roomie “Tiny” used to make me feel. She pops out babies and kills dinosaurs on the same fu**ing day! (CLT will be glad to see I am still editing my swear words).
Look, (quick sidebar here – I hate when people preface a sentence with “look”. Look at what? How pompous of an ass you are by suggesting I need a signal word to know that what you are about to say is sooooo important? Blow me). Anyway, look, I’m sure Julianne is a nice woman. And she has probably made a million awesome movies that I have never heard of. But the fact is, Sarah is a living icon and should only be portrayed by the best of the best.
So, without further ado, I present to you the absolute best choice to portray Sarah. You know who she is. The star of 30 Rock:
That’s right, Salma Hayek. Aye carumba!