Charlie Sheen, Mesothelioma, and The Magic Catheter

It’s been 8 months since I last wrote something here so it seemed as good as time as any to start up again. Actually, I recently became unemployed so I seem to have a rather large amount of time on my hands. I am not allowed to speak about my former employer but I want to go on the record and state I did NOT rub my junk on Sarah Palin’s pizza.

As for Charlie, he is correct. You are all losers. Of course, you already knew this so the sting probably wasn’t so bad. You only wish that you had gold teeth, the complexion of a 6 month old cadaver, and rocked that gaunt Skeletor look. Plus, you wish you had porn wives that have had more meat in them than a tractor-trailer full of Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage. You are probably also Jewish which makes you short, bald, and stupidly wealthy. Winner!!!

Since I have been out of work, I have enjoyed watching my “shows”. Better than the tv programs, however, are the commercials. Frankly, at this point, I am pretty much a subject matter expert on Mesothelioma. I can diagnose the disease, its cause, and tell you where to get help. I may start calling myself Dr. Tannerleah. Also in the medical realm, I learned of this awesome new catheter that is very comfortable and can be used multiple times. I am wearing it as we speak…if you listen closely, you can hear my Mountain Dew 2 liter bottle filling up. There is so much to be learned through these commercials that I am going to Tivo them so I don’t miss anything.

By the way, while I am happy that Egypt, Libya and all of these other countries are finding democracy, they better not even think of coming to America. First of all, we don’t need them instituting “Sherry’s Law” (whatever that is). Plus, we don’t have nearly enough razors to shave all of their hairy women. (Basically, the same reason we can’t let French women come over here). Lastly, when you are in America, you better speak American. (Not Muslim or whatever they’ve got going on over there). To show I am serious, I am giving back the $1 million that Gaddafi gave me for singing in my Speedo last year. I gave it to a my favorite charity, Why? Because that’s what Jesus and Allah told me to do.

Anyway, I’m going back to my tv to become educated on priapisms. What they are describing sounds normal to me so I just don’t get it. All my love, TL

12 Responses to Charlie Sheen, Mesothelioma, and The Magic Catheter

  1. Oh, holy hell. You’re back. (!) <— That's a vagina. Not an exclamation point.

    I said to myself just earlier this minute, "You know what you really need? Another distraction to keep you from posting anything but music nobody likes but you over at your blog." And then I heard a mystical bell-ringing sort of noise and my Readomattic suffered a severe coughing fit before splattering the most unlikeliest of posts right at the top of the list.

    And I said to myself, "Well. Perhaps if I had wished for something I really wanted, we could all be driving around topless in a classic automobile while being serviced by Charlie Sheen's leftovers."

    I like having you back, though, nearly as much as I like the new won't-shut-the-fuck-up-or-be-coherent Charlie Sheen. I'm hoping that you're back with a vengeance (winning!) and doing strafing runs in your underpants (I mean, more so than usual).

    Welcome back! <— That's an exclamation point. A sincere one.

    • tannerleah says:

      Thank you CLT. Although not everyone knows it, you are one of the best out there so your man love for me is special. (I may be reading too much into the exclamation points).
      Also, to do a proper vagina, you are supposed to put the “button” on top…I think.

      • bschooled says:

        Wrong. According to my ex, there is no vagina button. It’s a myth.

        • tannerleah says:

          He may be right. I am pretty sure in the documentary “Deep Throat”, the doctor said it is in a woman’s throat. (Of course, this still wouldn’t account for the location of the “G” button. I have no clue where that thing is).

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    If I recall correctly, Sherry’s Law is based on the book of Ka’ren and they issue a Francois if you insult their je ne sais quoi (Charlie Sheen knows EXACTLY what I am talking about).

  3. bschooled says:

    Holy hell, TL! I’m glad I still occasionally stalk your blog, otherwise I would have missed out on you “Dewing” the Dew (bottle).

    I’ve missed you, TL!

    • tannerleah says:

      I’ve missed you too. (Although I have enjoyed your various escapades on FB). Now that I have been banished from the workforce, I hope to really become more negative and cynical. Fingers crossed!

  4. Cathy Jensen says:

    Well, crap, Tannerleah, I should have removed your icon from my desktop looong ago, as no sooner did I remove it than I got an email saying you were back! Nice to see you back, but sorry about the unemployment…

    • tannerleah says:

      Thank you Cathy. Never, ever remove my icon again. If you are going to stalk me, do it like you mean it.
      Yes, being unemployed is odd but if I can find a job where free food is involved (preferably donuts) then it will have been worth it.

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