Hispanics Now Outnumber Blacks In America

March 30, 2011

Obviously, as an occasional black man, I have a real problem with this. First of all, I am simply too old to learn Spanish. I have tried in the past and failed miserably at it. Do you know that virtually every mexican word is different from its american counterpart? That means I would need to learn like a million new words! At least when I tried to learn Ebonics it a) kinda sounded like american and b) only consisted of maybe 10 words.

Plus, I really don’t like mexican food. I could live forever on a diet of white and black people food. Spam, mac and cheese, corndogs, fried chicken and watermelon. Mmmm good. Tacos and refried beans? I don’t think so. Plus, they have those little nasty cracker like things that you put some sort of vegetable blend on. That blend just happens to be made of the vegetables that americans can’t stand. That’s why the mexicans have them in the first place.   

The only good news about the mexicans taking over second place is that they have nice looking cars and about half a dozen of the women are hot. True, most are pushing 200 pounds and have lip hair but there are some diamonds to be found if you look hard enough. The music is horrible except for Feliz Navidad and La Bamba. How many freaking times can I hear those songs before stabbing my eardrums like pinatas? (Another stupid mexican thing. Fill an animal with candy and then beat the crap out of it until its innards fall out. Gee Paco, how long did it take you to come up with that great idea?)

It is estimated that by 2050, whitey will be in second place behind the mexicans…in AMERICA! How is that even possible? If american women would just start putting out more this would not be an issue. C’mon ladies, don’t let Juanita steal your man. If a guy gets you the 2 for $20 combo at Applebees, you have an obligation to let him hit that in the name of america. As for my black brothers and sisters, you are never going to catch up if the men keep going to jail on purpose. I know you would rather be in jail than have to listen to Oprah but it is killing your headcount.

Lastly, according to the 2010 census, china people are also growing at an alarming rate. I was surprised to hear this because I thought china girls really don’t put out. But, apparently, that is just an act. That saying, “me so horny”, must really be true. Anyway, it’s just another reason for americans to keep their race first. Can you imagine car insurance rates if the china people take over the roads? Plus, I am not really a fan of pork fried rice and monkey brains.

Good people of America (meaning the whites and blacks), start doing the deed like you mean it. Your country is counting on you. Also, gay people of America. I encourage you to cross over every now and then. Just grit your teeth and do it. Especially if you are already a pitcher. Yes, it won’t feel as good but the results will be much more beneficial to the American race. (Plus, your junk will smell like fish instead of poopy. That would be a nice change).

If I have to start calling Jesus “Hey-Zeus”, I am going to be wicked pissed. Now, it’s time for my fiesta (that means nap in mexican). TL

We All Need To Be Saved Every Once In Awhile

March 29, 2011

One of my favorite verses ever:

I hang my head and I advertise
A soul for sale or rent
I have no heart I’m cold inside
I have no real intent

FYI – As someone who has been “naked and far from home” more than once, I can tell you that law enforcement frowns upon this type of behavior. You have been warned.

Bigger Travesty – Libya or Wonder Woman?

March 24, 2011

Apparently, in about the same amount of time it takes me to drop a deuce, we declared war on Libya. Obviously, we didn’t actually declare war because that is an entirely much to time consuming process. No, the POTUS just simply volunteered our troops for the mission. No debate, no questions asked. Thanks Barry for committing us to our third current non-war. I can’t wait until Yemen or any number of other countries also need our “help”. Sure, you have no idea who the hell you are supporting on the other side but why worry about the small details? And the fact that the US is seen once again as an occupying force? No worries…we will be worshipped as liberators. Besides, we only have 730+ bases already established around the world so what’s a few more?

Obviously, I am very unhappy about this latest international escapade. However, I am truly ticked off by the latest change to Wonder Woman. I understand there is a new TV show coming out for Wonder Woman and, like anything remade, the creators needed a way to make it better. (Kind of like they did with the remake of Knight Rider. As if you could ever replace the Hoff).  In the new series, they have changed her costume and cast some Barbie looking brunette to take the lead.

Normally, this kind of news should cause a stirring in the loins of every man, young and old, in the viewing audience. Imagine my disappointment when this is the photo that was released:

Wow…what a buzzkill. WW has traded in her tiara for a headband and Spanx. Her fake boobs, which I am normally ok with, seem to be seeking shelter in her armpits. Other than her bare shoulders and misplaced boobs, WW has gone Amish. You would need the jaws of life to get her out of that uniform. God knows what that is going to smell like after a day under the camera lights.

Now, let’s look at the real deal:

How can you even compare the two? Lynda Carter reeked of womanhood with her come hither eyes and grab me by my ample hips look. Leg guys? Covered. Boob guys? Covered. Stomp me with your boots guys? No problemo. I love women that I can drive a small vehicle through their legs guys? Check. Simply put, Lynda was every mans fantasy. (Unless you were more of an ass man. In that case, Pam Grier had you covered). And now? Our children will have to masturbate to an inferior product. That is simply not right.

So, yeah, I am pretty steamed about Barry getting the US into another war. But the destruction of an icon as we know it? I can’t deal with that. Somewhere, I am sure Lynda is sobbing gently while her ample bosom gently heaves.

Can We Cancel St. Patrick’s Day?

March 17, 2011

After all, what in the hell is the purpose of this day? To honor a Catholic saint? I’m not Catholic so why would I honor him, or any other religious icon. (Except for Christmas…there is no scenario where I’m giving that one up). Besides, don’t other religions have similar saint-like people? Don’t the Jews or Muslims have someone? Why can’t they get a day? I don’t get it.

If this is just an attempt to make the Irish happy, then I also have a problem with that. How come the Italians or Spanish don’t get a “special” day. Why just the Irish? All they have given us is gingers, midgets and potatoes. Now, I’m not going to lie, the potato giving is almost a good enough reason to get a special day but not quite. Besides, when have the Irish needed a special reason to get drunk? It’s like giving priests a special “children’s lap sitting” day; they don’t need one. The other 364 days work just fine.

How about we just stop having holidays for everyone. If you love St Patrick, wear green and get drunk everyday. If you love the Easter Bunny, and who doesn’t, give your children a basket of candy everyday of the week. It’s not like they aren’t already big fat cows so what’s a little more candy going to hurt? Have them wash it down with an “energy” drink. And please, get rid of St Valentine’s day. I don’t know who the hell this Saint is but he/she costs me way too much money.

Ok. Everything I wrote above is a lie. I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day! C’mon, how can you not like “Erin go braless” as a motto for the day. That should be the motto everyday. (Obviously, this would not apply to Erin Andrews because she does not like people looking at her boobs). Plus, I read you can rent a midget for just $35,000 on St. Patty’s Day. Say what you want about midgets, but they have high moral and ethical standards. You want to dress me in green and throw me around like a bag of garbage? You’re going to pay for it buddy.

Here is my costume for this year. I didn’t quite know where to put my “Kiss me I’m Irish sticker” so I just ad libbed. It’s where I normally wear my mistletoe so I thought this would also work. Hope you enjoy and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!! TL

Julianne Moore To Play Sarah Palin? WTF!?!?!?!

March 11, 2011

Seriously, was Oprah too busy to take on the role? Or maybe Rosie O’Donnell just wasn’t quite fat enough to pull it off. Julianne “I am as white as a ghost, freckled like an 89 year old man on Miami Beach, have the sex appeal of that stuff that oozes out of your eye when it’s infected,  and the worst Boston accent evah” Moore is really the best you could do? Hmm…let’s compare the two.

Here we see Sarah rocking her Naughty Monkey red pumps. Notice the muscular calves she developed by being a superstar athlete in her youth. Notice the way her heaving bosom is trying to desperately escape her crimson jacket. Notice the disgusted and pissed off look of the chick in the blue blouse standing behind only wishing that she could be as awesome as Sarah. In short, this is the picture of a Goddess. Not the icky, Hep C type that Charlie Sheen hangs out with. Only Wonder Woman could come close to matching her exquisite awesomeness.

Now let’s look at that Moore woman.

To be fair, I tried to find a “flattering” shot of Ms. Moore and this was about the best I could come up with. *Sigh* Where do I even start? Jesus Christ, she has more freckles than Lindsay Lohan. In fact, she makes Lindsay look like an African American compared to her. Moore is not even white…she is opaque. You can see her bones through her skin. She’s got old woman lips that are pruned up as if she had been held underwater for the last 36 hours. She has flapjacks for boobs and a forehead the size of Ethiopia. (Which I think is a really, really big country). Where is the sex appeal? The athleticism? The sparkle and fire? She’s not even wearing a pearl necklace for Christ’s sake.

Yes, I am sure they can spray a tan on her, give her the glasses, dye her hair, and, well, I don’t know what they will do with her wrinkly lips. That’s not the point. The point is Sarah has tiger blood in her (well, actually it’s on her from a recent safari) and the DNA of the female equivalent of Adonis. She oozes sexuality and the ability to kick your ass all at the same time. I love her and fear her in a way that only Adrienne Barbeau and my ex prison roomie “Tiny” used to make me feel. She pops out babies and kills dinosaurs on the same fu**ing day! (CLT will be glad to see I am still editing my swear words).

Look, (quick sidebar here – I hate when people preface a sentence with “look”. Look at what? How pompous of an ass you are by suggesting I need a signal word to know that what you are about to say is sooooo important? Blow me). Anyway, look, I’m sure Julianne is a nice woman. And she has probably made a million awesome movies that I have never heard of. But the fact is, Sarah is a living icon and should only be portrayed by the best of the best.

So, without further ado, I present to you the absolute best choice to portray Sarah. You know who she is. The star of 30 Rock:

That’s right, Salma Hayek. Aye carumba!

I Think I Now Love Michele Bachmann

March 6, 2011

Yes, I realize that she is as nutty as my stool after a week-long bender on PayDay candy bars. However, we agree on so many things that I can’t help myself. The fact that her parents couldn’t spell Michele correctly is not her fault. Or the fact that she went to Oral Roberts University should not be held against her. Her subliminal attraction to the word “oral” has actually made her more appealing.

For instance, look at this photo.

See how she is drenched in a pearl necklace? It’s not just on her neck. The pearls are on her hands and face and touching her hair…Good lord, she is a money shot fantasy. Google her photo. More often than not, she is COVERED in pearls. What’s not to love about a gal like that? (Hey Sarah, would it hurt you to rock a few pearls now and then?) She also likes to talk dirty, like this quote; “During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.” Yeah baby!!!

Beyond this fetish, we also agree on a lot of important issues. She hates old people and thinks Social Security and Medicare should be phased out. Winning! She also knows that the gays are launching a devious plan to “target” our children. I am not sure what the plan is after they have been targeted but, if it’s the gays, you know it can’t be good. Probably make every child wear a plaid shirt and put rainbow stickers on their bike. Oh, the humanity!

I also appreciate Michele’s commitment to end Obamacare. As she said, ”This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.” I am not sure what the word “covenant” means but I think it has to do with witches. Now, don’t confuse Michele with Christine O’Donnell who may, or may not be a witch. (And, as a point of interest, guess who else loves to wear a pearl necklace?)

(Hard to imagine someone could miss the mark with her mouth so wide open).

Anyway, any combination of Bachmann / Palin / O’Donnell in 2012 will make me a happy, happy man. Vote early and vote often!

Charlie Sheen, Mesothelioma, and The Magic Catheter

March 2, 2011

It’s been 8 months since I last wrote something here so it seemed as good as time as any to start up again. Actually, I recently became unemployed so I seem to have a rather large amount of time on my hands. I am not allowed to speak about my former employer but I want to go on the record and state I did NOT rub my junk on Sarah Palin’s pizza.

As for Charlie, he is correct. You are all losers. Of course, you already knew this so the sting probably wasn’t so bad. You only wish that you had gold teeth, the complexion of a 6 month old cadaver, and rocked that gaunt Skeletor look. Plus, you wish you had porn wives that have had more meat in them than a tractor-trailer full of Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage. You are probably also Jewish which makes you short, bald, and stupidly wealthy. Winner!!!

Since I have been out of work, I have enjoyed watching my “shows”. Better than the tv programs, however, are the commercials. Frankly, at this point, I am pretty much a subject matter expert on Mesothelioma. I can diagnose the disease, its cause, and tell you where to get help. I may start calling myself Dr. Tannerleah. Also in the medical realm, I learned of this awesome new catheter that is very comfortable and can be used multiple times. I am wearing it as we speak…if you listen closely, you can hear my Mountain Dew 2 liter bottle filling up. There is so much to be learned through these commercials that I am going to Tivo them so I don’t miss anything.

By the way, while I am happy that Egypt, Libya and all of these other countries are finding democracy, they better not even think of coming to America. First of all, we don’t need them instituting “Sherry’s Law” (whatever that is). Plus, we don’t have nearly enough razors to shave all of their hairy women. (Basically, the same reason we can’t let French women come over here). Lastly, when you are in America, you better speak American. (Not Muslim or whatever they’ve got going on over there). To show I am serious, I am giving back the $1 million that Gaddafi gave me for singing in my Speedo last year. I gave it to a my favorite charity, myfreeimplants.com. Why? Because that’s what Jesus and Allah told me to do.

Anyway, I’m going back to my tv to become educated on priapisms. What they are describing sounds normal to me so I just don’t get it. All my love, TL