Can The Rapture Hurry Up And Get Here?

I want the fundamentalists sucked up into the ether as soon as possible. Are you listening Jesus? Call your people home! I will stay down here and guard the place until you get back in seven years.

This latest burr in my heel was caused by my watching the documentary, “Waiting for Armageddon”. The movie follows a number of Christian fundamentalists on their never-ending quest for “end times” to arrive. One mother tells her children that they won’t live long enough to graduate or have children. Awesome parenting, mom…just awesome.

For the end to come, Israel needs to fall. Specifically, the Temple Mount needs to come down so it can be rebuilt. It is unclear on how the Muslims will be convinced to give up the temple but, since they have such a passive history, I guess the details aren’t that important. In the movie, many end timers were hoping that a stray rocket from the US – Iraq conflict would do the trick. Sadly, no such luck.

The best part of the story is that these lunatics believers feel that, once the Rapture occurs, the Jews will come to their senses and repudiate their beliefs. Because, if they don’t, well…it’s dirt nap time for them. The evil Muslims don’t get to go to Heaven under any circumstances. They are simply unfixable. I am not sure about everyone else.

What struck me most about watching this, and similar movies, is the abject fear that these people live in. They are afraid of damned near everything. The terrorists are after them, the government is after them, Satan is after them, other religions are after them; the list is endless. The irony that they are mostly well off white people seems to be completely lost on them.

But, here’s the point. If you truly believe Jesus has your back, what the hell are you worried about? Since the J-Man decides all things, shouldn’t you be as cool as the underside of a pillow? If Jesus wants the terrorists to blow you up, let them. You can laugh all the way to heaven. Since Jesus has a plan for everyone and everything, why spend a second trying to impact his divine judgment?

Maybe, just maybe, that fear is born from uncertainty in their beliefs. Maybe these folks talk a good game but really are scared to death of the unknown. (Which is why they probably turned to religion in the first place). This would explain why they have no interest in hearing other opinions or challenging their own beliefs. They are simply scared shitless.

Listen, my sheeple. I will protect you. My God is way more powerful than your God and can be trusted not to pull stunts like earthquakes and tornados. My God let’s the dorky dude get the hot chick. He also let’s you win at the craps table and eat Ho-Ho’s without gaining weight. Starting to sound interesting? Well, for more information, please send $10 to The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus Tannerleah located somewhere in Los Angeles, CA and next week, I will post a prayer on my blog and all your dreams will come true. It’s that simple.

Or, wait for the Rapture and see if you are one of the chosen ones. Are you sure you want to take that chance?

(It would appear that Jesus did not get the memo).


14 Responses to Can The Rapture Hurry Up And Get Here?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Rather than send you donations, TL, I propose a new type of currency for your sheeple: ‘Jesus Jack’. Jesus Jack can be used to pay miracle workers to create, well, miracles. I already have a short list of what I need done:

    1) Sleep. My sleep schedule is off by 4 hours and I can never go backwards so that means I am forced to push my sleep 20 hours forward. Since I’m not moving to the Chatham Islands (New Zealand), this is much harder than it sounds. I would pay a lot of Jesus Jack to reset my circadian rhythm.

    2) Cure my incessant pissing problem. For those who do not read Scott Oglesby’s blog, I will take the liberty of copy/pasting a recent comment of mine encapsulating the problem:

    “I piss 20+ times a day. Sometimes a routine piss will be preceded by what I call a pre-piss followed by a post-piss, all within the span of three minutes. My whole life revolves around the bathroom.”

    I need this fixed. Badly. I live in a condo now and I am forever being spotted by our surveillance team ducking into the elevator with a 9 pack of ‘triple roll’ tucked under my arm. True story: I have to store some it in the third row of my SUV as it all won’t fit in the condo.

    3) My OCD and ADD work in tandem, but never seem to manage to cancel each other out. I can live with the OCD. The ADD has to go.

    I would cough up some serious JJ to solve all these problems.

    Well, I’m eight hours into ‘pushing’ my sleep, I have to go piss, and I just realized I got distracted from what it was that I was obsessing about.

  2. jill says:

    I think EH needs some help, TL…I’m sure you must have a potion or some kind of special prayer to make her problems disappear.

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    i think the fundies are just pissed off, because instead of 72 virgins in heaven, they’ll have days filled with listening to pat boone music and sitting through jerry falwell sermons. on the bright side, they no longer have to practice abstinence. however, all the men look like louie gohmert, and all the women look like barbara bush.

  4. davehambo says:

    One of the darker secrets of my life is that I was sucked into a christian cult that orbited on the middle spiral of fundamental madness, not quite name the rapture date but certainly “name it in prayer and claim it in lie” beliefs. I “escaped” in 1993/4 having been with them since 1988. They are, in my very well informed opinion, complete crazzies!

    Then I met Hazel, discovered Gin and now call that period “in my previous life when I was sad…”

    Superb post boss, but I did keep reading the title as “Can the RUPTURE…”?

    • tannerleah says:

      I find that Gin (or Vodka) and a good woman can overcome most things. If the Rapture does come, just blame it on Gin and women. See? You’re covered either way.

  5. Walker says:

    Well, call me confused. Just the other day you wrote on my blog that you followed Jesus (not me on Twitter). Knowing you to be a good devout, God-fearing Christian I was stunned at the beginning of your post. Thankfully somewhere mid-article you seemed to shift gently into reminding everyone of the power of Jesus and I got off my knees and thanked the Good Lord Jesus for preserving you and bringing you to your senses.

  6. […] Can The Rapture Hurry Up And Get Here? and Women Defend […]

  7. nursemyra says:

    It turns me on when you call me sheeple

  8. Anonymous says:

    Oh my…you nailed us. I’m a fundamentalist holy roller (that’s what they call us pentecostals), and I’d never seen how much fear we live in.

    Or–wait!–might it be concern? concern to steer people clear of impending doom?

    • tannerleah says:

      What impending doom? I grew up with “holy rollers” and, as long as I can remember, I was told “the end is near”. Doesn’t that strike you as living in fear?

  9. rdjenkins7 says:

    Dude… I love you! I watched this last night and thought it was a satirical joke, but it seems the crazy people really mean all they filmed.
    Getting ready to watch it one more time just for the fun of it… especially the part where they’re singing the Star Spangled Banner on the Sea of Galilee!

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