Who Said Getting A Baby Was Hard?

One of the big reasons I hear for old women (35+) having babies is because adopting is so difficult. So, they selfishly take on the risk of having retarded “special” babies because their needs trump the needs of the child. Ladies, there is a reason that Jesus is shriveling your ovaries like prunes…take heed.

In any case, I wanted to offer a few viable solutions so these grannies can still have kids. First, try shopping for babies at Wal Mart. Not actually in Wal Mart, but out in the parking lot. For instance, in Salinas, CA you could have bought a beautiful baby for a mere $25. And that was the asking price! With a little effort, you easily could have whittled that down to $20. So, you save tens of thousands on in-vitro costs and don’t have to let your already deteriorating body get any worse.

Now, before the holier than thou crowd starts jumping in about “what kind of parent sells their child”, let me say that this couple had good reasons for it. I am told by my source, Paco, that the money was to be used for Proactiv. Again, before judging, look at the photo of the mother below and tell me this isn’t a smart investment.

I thought so.

I imagine that there are still many of you thinking, “What if I don’t have $25? Can I still get a baby?” Of course you can. It’s a little more work and you need to live amongst truly retarded people, but it is possible. Here’s how to make it happen.

First, start stuffing pillows under your shirt and tell your husband you are pregnant. If he wants to touch the “baby”, stick a paintbrush in the pillow and move it around. This will fool him. (I told you that this primarily works with really, really, stupid people). Just as you are about to pop, scour the local papers for recent birth announcements and track down the address of the new parents. Then, go to the home and stab the hell out of everyone. I am sure I am leaving something out but here are the details.

dumbest husband of all time

Again, the most critical part is to be surrounded by absolutely imbecilic family and neighbors.

There you have it. Two easy ways to become a mother in no time. No longer do you have a need to take a bunch of medications or let some man put his dirty thingy in your dry, sandpaper like, love tunnel. Nor do you have to let your already large muffin top get even more wildly out of control. No need to go and buy even larger Spandex pants or stuff to rub on your belly to hide the disgusting stretch marks.

Please, don’t feel compelled to thank me for this important information. The fact that you are not going to pop out a little short bus rider in 9 months is thanks enough. Trigger doesn’t really need any new friends. You’re welcome. TL

PS: If you just had a baby, don’t answer the door if this chick is knocking on it:

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19 Responses to Who Said Getting A Baby Was Hard?

  1. that chick says:

    my mom had me when she was 37 jerk face. sure, when we went to the store people would call her my grandmother but the important thing is that i came out just fine. slight issues with ADD but i’m def not a retard.

  2. bschooled says:

    What a couple of idiots!

    According to the commercial, even Jessica Simpson knows that Proactive costs $29.95 (a $99 value).

    What ever happened to the good old days, when people would just swipe one from the Duggar family?

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    TL, these stories claw at the soul. I almost couldn’t believe the story I was reading in your link “dumbest husband of all time”. Mind-boggling. I don’t even know how to reconcile that with the 200 million years modern humans have roamed the earth. The girl in the first photo lends the appearance of being sweet and salvageable. Girl in photo #2 appears criminal and cagey. Funny how we ascribe characteristics with just a mere glance. Seems like girl #1 would have caught more ‘breaks’ than girl #2. Can either be redeemed? Not likely. There is not enough rehabilitation in the world to fix the breach of trust and human decency these women have squandered.

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    but, tl, if a woman doesn’t actually get pregnant, then her boobs won’t get bigger, and she won’t have any place to keep her soda (see the pic in your last post).

    p.s. i hear you get a baby of slightly better quality at target. however, steer clear of kmart. the babies there get all icky after a few washings.

  5. Unfortunately, with “paintbrush belly” headed to the clink, the stupid husband will be back on the market and able to impregnate other women who own pillows and paintbrushes (and knives, apparently… and I guess, pellet guns…).

    If only she hadn’t gone all stabby, they’d have been able to keep planting seed on rocky soil and kept the world from having to support their offspring and teach it right from wrong and which places are ideal for hooking/dumpster diving/mugging.

  6. RubyTwoShoes says:

    Oh my god, I was taking a sick enjoyment in all this, smiling along as I read, and then I followed that link and my hope for all humanity plummeted once again – you really know how to brighten one’s day pointing out that such craziness exists (here i was thinking it was all daisy fields and rose coloured horizons…?!)

  7. I fear for humanity. You have found the scummy, algae covered, shallow end of the gene pool. I am speechless. Funny stuff TL.

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