One of the big reasons I hear for old women (35+) having babies is because adopting is so difficult. So, they selfishly take on the risk of having retarded “special” babies because their needs trump the needs of the child. Ladies, there is a reason that Jesus is shriveling your ovaries like prunes…take heed.
In any case, I wanted to offer a few viable solutions so these grannies can still have kids. First, try shopping for babies at Wal Mart. Not actually in Wal Mart, but out in the parking lot. For instance, in Salinas, CA you could have bought a beautiful baby for a mere $25. And that was the asking price! With a little effort, you easily could have whittled that down to $20. So, you save tens of thousands on in-vitro costs and don’t have to let your already deteriorating body get any worse.
Now, before the holier than thou crowd starts jumping in about “what kind of parent sells their child”, let me say that this couple had good reasons for it. I am told by my source, Paco, that the money was to be used for Proactiv. Again, before judging, look at the photo of the mother below and tell me this isn’t a smart investment.
I thought so.
I imagine that there are still many of you thinking, “What if I don’t have $25? Can I still get a baby?” Of course you can. It’s a little more work and you need to live amongst truly retarded people, but it is possible. Here’s how to make it happen.
First, start stuffing pillows under your shirt and tell your husband you are pregnant. If he wants to touch the “baby”, stick a paintbrush in the pillow and move it around. This will fool him. (I told you that this primarily works with really, really, stupid people). Just as you are about to pop, scour the local papers for recent birth announcements and track down the address of the new parents. Then, go to the home and stab the hell out of everyone. I am sure I am leaving something out but here are the details.
Again, the most critical part is to be surrounded by absolutely imbecilic family and neighbors.
There you have it. Two easy ways to become a mother in no time. No longer do you have a need to take a bunch of medications or let some man put his dirty thingy in your dry, sandpaper like, love tunnel. Nor do you have to let your already large muffin top get even more wildly out of control. No need to go and buy even larger Spandex pants or stuff to rub on your belly to hide the disgusting stretch marks.
Please, don’t feel compelled to thank me for this important information. The fact that you are not going to pop out a little short bus rider in 9 months is thanks enough. Trigger doesn’t really need any new friends. You’re welcome. TL
PS: If you just had a baby, don’t answer the door if this chick is knocking on it: