Can The Rapture Hurry Up And Get Here?

June 29, 2010

I want the fundamentalists sucked up into the ether as soon as possible. Are you listening Jesus? Call your people home! I will stay down here and guard the place until you get back in seven years.

This latest burr in my heel was caused by my watching the documentary, “Waiting for Armageddon”. The movie follows a number of Christian fundamentalists on their never-ending quest for “end times” to arrive. One mother tells her children that they won’t live long enough to graduate or have children. Awesome parenting, mom…just awesome.

For the end to come, Israel needs to fall. Specifically, the Temple Mount needs to come down so it can be rebuilt. It is unclear on how the Muslims will be convinced to give up the temple but, since they have such a passive history, I guess the details aren’t that important. In the movie, many end timers were hoping that a stray rocket from the US – Iraq conflict would do the trick. Sadly, no such luck.

The best part of the story is that these lunatics believers feel that, once the Rapture occurs, the Jews will come to their senses and repudiate their beliefs. Because, if they don’t, well…it’s dirt nap time for them. The evil Muslims don’t get to go to Heaven under any circumstances. They are simply unfixable. I am not sure about everyone else.

What struck me most about watching this, and similar movies, is the abject fear that these people live in. They are afraid of damned near everything. The terrorists are after them, the government is after them, Satan is after them, other religions are after them; the list is endless. The irony that they are mostly well off white people seems to be completely lost on them.

But, here’s the point. If you truly believe Jesus has your back, what the hell are you worried about? Since the J-Man decides all things, shouldn’t you be as cool as the underside of a pillow? If Jesus wants the terrorists to blow you up, let them. You can laugh all the way to heaven. Since Jesus has a plan for everyone and everything, why spend a second trying to impact his divine judgment?

Maybe, just maybe, that fear is born from uncertainty in their beliefs. Maybe these folks talk a good game but really are scared to death of the unknown. (Which is why they probably turned to religion in the first place). This would explain why they have no interest in hearing other opinions or challenging their own beliefs. They are simply scared shitless.

Listen, my sheeple. I will protect you. My God is way more powerful than your God and can be trusted not to pull stunts like earthquakes and tornados. My God let’s the dorky dude get the hot chick. He also let’s you win at the craps table and eat Ho-Ho’s without gaining weight. Starting to sound interesting? Well, for more information, please send $10 to The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus Tannerleah located somewhere in Los Angeles, CA and next week, I will post a prayer on my blog and all your dreams will come true. It’s that simple.

Or, wait for the Rapture and see if you are one of the chosen ones. Are you sure you want to take that chance?

(It would appear that Jesus did not get the memo).


Who Said Getting A Baby Was Hard?

June 25, 2010

One of the big reasons I hear for old women (35+) having babies is because adopting is so difficult. So, they selfishly take on the risk of having retarded “special” babies because their needs trump the needs of the child. Ladies, there is a reason that Jesus is shriveling your ovaries like prunes…take heed.

In any case, I wanted to offer a few viable solutions so these grannies can still have kids. First, try shopping for babies at Wal Mart. Not actually in Wal Mart, but out in the parking lot. For instance, in Salinas, CA you could have bought a beautiful baby for a mere $25. And that was the asking price! With a little effort, you easily could have whittled that down to $20. So, you save tens of thousands on in-vitro costs and don’t have to let your already deteriorating body get any worse.

Now, before the holier than thou crowd starts jumping in about “what kind of parent sells their child”, let me say that this couple had good reasons for it. I am told by my source, Paco, that the money was to be used for Proactiv. Again, before judging, look at the photo of the mother below and tell me this isn’t a smart investment.

I thought so.

I imagine that there are still many of you thinking, “What if I don’t have $25? Can I still get a baby?” Of course you can. It’s a little more work and you need to live amongst truly retarded people, but it is possible. Here’s how to make it happen.

First, start stuffing pillows under your shirt and tell your husband you are pregnant. If he wants to touch the “baby”, stick a paintbrush in the pillow and move it around. This will fool him. (I told you that this primarily works with really, really, stupid people). Just as you are about to pop, scour the local papers for recent birth announcements and track down the address of the new parents. Then, go to the home and stab the hell out of everyone. I am sure I am leaving something out but here are the details.

dumbest husband of all time

Again, the most critical part is to be surrounded by absolutely imbecilic family and neighbors.

There you have it. Two easy ways to become a mother in no time. No longer do you have a need to take a bunch of medications or let some man put his dirty thingy in your dry, sandpaper like, love tunnel. Nor do you have to let your already large muffin top get even more wildly out of control. No need to go and buy even larger Spandex pants or stuff to rub on your belly to hide the disgusting stretch marks.

Please, don’t feel compelled to thank me for this important information. The fact that you are not going to pop out a little short bus rider in 9 months is thanks enough. Trigger doesn’t really need any new friends. You’re welcome. TL

PS: If you just had a baby, don’t answer the door if this chick is knocking on it:


Do You Hate All Blacks Or Just Obama?

June 24, 2010

As an occasional black man, I need to know this so I can understand just how many of you racist peckerwoods are out there. With so few of you even trying to hide it anymore, the number has grown substantially.

How do I know this? Because the arguments against Barry have grown increasingly ridiculous. I thought that the “birthers” were probably as bad as it could get but I was wrong. Someone, somewhere posted that Barry is making over $85 million off of the BP disaster through his Vanguard accounts. As near as I can tell, he has about $300k invested. I am not a math major, but the ROI on that seems slightly high. (Although I am sure other Vanguard holders are praying to God the numbers are right).

This is just one example of how anything that is said or written about our Black King is readily digested as the truth by the racist masses. You can say you hate Barry for his policies or lack of actions (of which there are many gaffes to choose from) but it goes well beyond that. You hate him because he can’t bowl like a white man. You hate him because he has purple lips. You hate him because of his tiny ears. Let’s just call a spade a spade…you hate the black man.

But here is the thing. He has given you two extra years of unemployment checks. He has hooked you up with health care. He offered to take your shitty, rusted, El Camino filled with empty Lone Star beer cans in the back, and let you trade up to a newer pick up. He even tried to get you to move out of the trailer park and buy a house without wheels on it. In short, he has given you racist douche bags everything you want except the ability; still, to marry your first cousin legally.

Don’t get me wrong. I have all kinds of problems with Barry. His no-limit credit card spending, his failure to do a damned thing about the wars, his desire to be all things to all people, his entire staff being “insiders”, etc. The list goes on and on. But none of it has to do with him or his heritage. Who cares? It’s not like he’s a Jew or something.

I realize that the only thing worse than having a black man as POTUS is having a Mexican but that day is coming too (although we better never have a woman President…unless it’s Sarah). The truth is, it doesn’t matter what color the big man is. He is accountable to the movers and shakers of the world; not you.

Politicians have a choice. To either hang out with people loaded with cash and access (think Wall Street), or you, Joe Donut (the constituent). Who the hell do you think they are going to cater to? And wouldn’t you do the same thing? So, stop hating on the black man and dreaming that whitey is going to be your friend. He isn’t…unless you have the cash flow to capture his attention.

Now, go back to spending your time on chasing down Bigfoot and “browsing” at the local Wal-Mart. Oh, and keep an eye out for the black helicopters you delusional, paranoid, racist, ass hats.

(Do you even need to ask whether I would hit this or not?)


Internet Kill Switch? I Love The US Government

June 18, 2010

You know, sometimes I grow tired of the US Government and become convinced that they are essentially useless. Then, out of the blue, they do things that make me feel much better.

For instance, Barry arbitrarily forcing BP to put aside $20 billion for clean up and restitution. Sure, there is no actual law that gives him the power to impose his will on a private corporation like that but he did it anyway. And, we the people, being the vigilant keepers of the Constitution that we are, politely applauded. (Or, in some places, yelled “Booo Yaaah!!!).

Now I read that the honorable Joseph Lieberman, D or R or I from Ct, is offering legislation that lets the POTUS shut down the Internet in the case of a national emergency. What constitutes a national emergency? Eh…don’t sweat the small details. You might ask, “Why in the world would Internet providers go for such a plan?” Because the bill protects them from civil liability. So, as you can see, everyone is a winner. (The kill switch, of course, needs to come with the caveat that porn sites would not be shut off. We don’t need rioting in the streets).

I can remember when I lived in Ct and Joe was trying to stomp out the video game industry because it was creating sex crazed, killing machines. Unfortunately, the people who find free speech and intellectual independence important, what bunch of losers, were able to overcome his master plan. So, because I had access to Ms. Pac-Man, to this day, I still have an urge to eat certain fruit. But I digress…

This “kill switch” plan is brilliant. When things get crazy and the world is coming to an end, the LAST place I am going to go for information is the Internet so why not kill it? Shouldn’t I be watching Fox News and CNN to get the real story? Can’t I trust the media to tell me everything I need to know as it is spoon fed to them by the government? In spite of what Jesse Ventura says, the government has never lied to me before and I don’t expect them to start now.

Senator Lieberman, who is just chockfull of brilliant ideas, will also be introducing the “Bieber Law”. This law will prohibit males from having any sort of hairdo that will make them look girlish, or vagina-ish because “it’s just not right”. Bobby Sherman has vowed to fight this legislation. (How’s that for a little trip in the way back time machine?)

Thank you, US government, for taking all of the big decisions out of my hands. Frankly, I don’t need the pressure. Plus, you have an impeccable track record when it comes to this sort of thing. Weapons of mass destruction, Katrina, Wall Street, the Patriot Act…the list is endless. How anyone could doubt you is beyond me.

I have a call into Senator Lieberman’s office to ask him what I should have for dinner tonight. I sure hope he says steak!

P.S. I was going to write about the Honorable Alvin Greene from South Carolina. You know him, right? The unemployed, felony porn pending, Democratic Senate candidate. However, every time I try to type about him, I am overcome with uncontrollable laughter and my head keeps shaking back and forth vigorously. Thank you fine people of South Carolina for keeping me amused. I appreciate it.


Baby (and probably Jesus) Gives Sarah Palin Bigger Boobs

June 11, 2010

Well, the lame stream media is at it again. They are running a scandalous story that our girl Sarah has gone out and purchased new breasts. Obviously, nothing could be further from the truth.

As we all know, Sarah has ovaries that drop eggs more often than Tiger nails white chicks. It’s just how God made her. (Thank you Jesus). Anyway, once again, Sarah got knocked up by her stud husband, Snow Plow (or whatever the hell his name is).

Because she already has a quiver full of children, she simply could not afford to have another one. (Plus, the last one didn’t come out exactly fully baked). Being a responsible person, she knew she could not keep the baby. However, as a good Christian, abortion was not an option. So Sarah did what she knew she had to do. She smoked crack and drank Jim Beam until the little thing just shot out of her hoo-hoo like a rocket. Problem solved.

Except it’s not quite as simple as that. Her boobs did not get the message that the plan had been changed and proceeded to fill her love jugs with milk. She initially was not going to encourage this behavior from her breasts because, frankly, the thought of Snow Plow suckling her 24/7 was very unappealing.

Fortunately, before she had a chance to squeeze all of the milk out and go down to a disappointing C cup, she went on her morning run in Wasilla. She did not have a new bra to hold all of her womanhood in so she was bouncing all over the place. As men ogled her and started pitching tents in their pants, she started to appreciate the power of her new bosom. Plus, when she stopped to have a seat on a bench and catch her breath, a baby raccoon came up to her and started nuzzling her heaving bazookas. Acting on her motherly instincts, Sarah quickly pulled out a buck knife, slit the coon’s throat, and gutted it for dinner in just under 30 seconds.

I know the above story is true because I live next door to Sarah and saw it happen. Ok, I don’t literally live next door but my surveillance cameras really make me feel like I do. My source, Paco, tells me that Sarah is going to keep her fun bags until the 2012 election. She is confident that she can get at least 20% more of the male vote. Plus, Bill Clinton has volunteered to be her campaign manager and she has accepted so she can land the black vote. (It is unclear what Clinton will get in return but he said he will pay the dry cleaning bill…whatever that means). It is rumored that her campaign slogan will be, “Palin in 2012. Got milk yet?”

I realize that jealous women will have catty things to say but they need to get over it. Sarah Palin is now the standard by which all women will be measured. So, ladies, you better get cracking on getting those flapjacks inflated or the new PILF will steal your man before you know what hit you. God bless you, Sarah.

Drill, baby, drill indeed. (Can you pass the Kleenex box, please?)


We The People…Pretty Much Suck

June 9, 2010

How do I know this? Because nary a day goes by where my opinion is not fully reinforced by some douche monkey chasing the almighty dollar (or rupee) to satisfy their own greedy needs.

Recently, a colleague mentioned to me that his dentist said he had a cracked tooth and 3 cavities. Before he even had a chance to think about his options, he was brought into the “office manager” to schedule the work and figure out a payment plan. Since he had already paid several thousand dollars over the last few years, he couldn’t understand why his teeth were still a wreck. So, he sought a second opinion. Dentists #2 tells him that his teeth are fine…no problems at all.

Late last week, my 16 year old son (know as “The Boy”) rear ended another vehicle at a McDonald’s drive-thru. As you would suspect, a person can only roll so fast into another vehicle waiting in a drive-thru line. Info was exchanged and a cop came by. No one could see any obvious damage but the car owner, an insurance salesperson, was going to have it “checked out”. Needless to say, she called yesterday to say that she had filed a claim due to damage to her bumper and exhaust. Did I mention her son-in-law runs a body shop? Life is full of such innocent coincidences.

Whoever created the human race must be massively disappointed. We are the single most greedy, cruel, narcissistic, stupid, lazy, self absorbed species in the entire galaxy. Even when we think we are being generous, we are putting the wood to someone. Need an example? How about tithing.

You know about tithing, right? That’s the deal where you give 10% (or whatever) to your church of choice. Think about this. Someone sat down one day and approached God with this awesome offer. He said, “So listen God. You are the almighty creator of the universe and everything we are and have is due to you. We want to show our loyalty and humbleness by offering you a percentage of everything we earn. You deserve it. We were thinking you would get 10% and we would keep 90%. Does that sound fair?”

For fu**s sake, the Mob offers a better deal than that. And don’t forget, this is God you are negotiating with! He/she/it is really only worth a 10% offering? No wonder God/Buddha/Mohammed/John Smith and company are always causing natural disasters that kick our collective asses. They are getting ripped off and it is pissing them off. Way to go you greedy ass humans.

Normally, I direct my cynicism towards corporate, religious, or government establishments. The organizations that rule the world and lead the lemmings wherever they want them to go. But as a friend pointed out yesterday, any entity is nothing more than the people who created and inhabit it. Lashing out at corporate greed or government mismanagement is just an easy way to avoid the truth. And that truth is that mankind is a useless and selfish collection of fat, meat, and bones with jiggly stuff in the middle. We can con ourselves into believing we are something else but it’s a lie…and a weak one at that.

True, not everyone falls into that category but I am going to guess the vast majority do, including myself. As it turns out, it’s a shame that Bruce Willis broke up that big meteor that was going to blow up the Earth. 2012 can’t get here soon enough.

Have a nice day 🙂


Another Day, Another Product Recall

June 8, 2010

GM today announced it was recalling about 1.5 million vehicles worldwide due to some sort of defect. This recall is on the heels of the Chrysler, Maytag, McDonalds, etc. recalls. The list is simply too long to go through.

All of these recalls lead us to a simple question, “Why the fu** can’t anyone build something that isn’t a piece of crap?” When companies downsized, did they get rid of all of the quality control people first? Do you really need to make 12,000,000 glasses before it dawns on you that maybe you should have checked the first few thousand for, oh, I don’t know, cadmium? I would have loved to have been in on that meeting.

Joe: Bob, how is the Shrek production going?

Bob: Awesome, Joe. We have now produced 12,000,000 of those bad boys. Ka-ching!!!

Joe: Not to be a worry wart, but, just so we are clear…you checked for lead, cadmium, paint chipping, and any other possible safety issues?  

Bob: Of course not. How can we make money if we have to test every damned thing? Joe, trust me…we are fine. These glasses are going to be bought by fat people in a trailer park thinking that they bought some sort of “collectable”. No one is going to check on that kind of crap.

Frankly, I would have preferred that the glasses had not been recalled. Having a bunch of rednecks poisoning themselves while drinking Mountain Dew from their Shrek glasses has a certain righteousness to it. Sure, the coming generations of NASCAR fans would dwindle but that might not be such a bad thing.

Many recalls happen after a few people have been maimed or killed. It is a hard hearted CEO that gets told that a few people might die from their product but gives the “go ahead” anyway. Of course, this is a free enterprise system so no one ever said there wouldn’t be a few casualties along the away. I am pretty sure the fear of the government catching the flaw before the consumer is virtually non-existent.

My favorite recall is the “phantom” Motrin recall. Motrin, manufactured by the small family firm Johnson & Johnson, was supposed to be recalled due to the fact that it was dissolving improperly and could have adverse effects on the user. Since there were only thought to be 88,000 defective caplets, J&J allegedly hired a firm to go out and buy the killer pills. Here is the instruction letter (link underneath):  

J and J’s dirty secret

This is the kind of American ingenuity that makes me get a little misty eyed. As a shareholder, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the companies that I invest in doing their level best to keep their profits soaring. So a few people get sick, maimed, or killed. We can’t let the tail wag the dog, folks. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

Anyway, if you are bored and want to see what other products are being recalled, visit http://www.usrecallnews.com. You will find all kinds of nifty items there. This awesome product has already killed 3 babies due to suffocation. (Gee, it sure looks comfortable, doesn’t it?)