Mark Souder: Hero Of The Common Man

For the first time in a long time, a politician has finally been caught having an affair…with a hot chick. The laundry list of politicians with ugly women is ridiculously long. The hooker that Spitzer had was hot but, before that, you had to go back to JFK and Marilyn Monroe. Slim pickings indeed.

So, this Bud’s for you Mark Souder. Bringing hope to every middle-aged, doughy looking, Viagra taking, “Jesus loving”, mid-life crisis stricken man out there. You give us the will to live another day.

The story of a politician doing something stupid is pretty routine and this would appear to be no different so I will not take the time to pile on. However, I would like to address one part of the story that I heard which was clearly edited for the public’s consumption.

Fellow Hoosier, Rep. Mike Pence, said that he spoke with Souder and Souder told him all about the affair. He made it out to be a dour conversation which was very serious and profound. However, my pool boy Paco has uncovered a secret videotape of the two men using a bathroom on Capitol Hill that tells a very different story. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of that conversation:

Mark Souder: Hey Mike! How ya doin’?

Mike Pence: Hi P-Dog, how’s it going? How are the wife and kids?

MS: Good…very good. Say Mike, do you remember that part-time chick I had on my staff that I would make those silly abstinence videos with?

MP: You mean the one with the nice rack? Yeah, wasn’t her name Kathy or Sandy or something?

MS: It’s Tracy. Anyway, guess who’s hitting that?

MP: You? Are you shitting me? You are the man!

(They fist bump with explosion).

MP: So, how is she? She looks like a wildcat. Getting any Hershey highway action?

MS: C’mon Mike, a gentleman never tells. (Starts humming the Door’s “Backdoor Man”).

MP: You dirty bastard! (Gives another fist bump sans explosion). Do you think she would be interested in a little DP action?

MS: I don’t know…I could certainly ask. What would I get out of the deal?

MP: Well, if any of this ever got out, I could say I spoke to you about it already and you were very remorseful and contrite. That way, I could hook you up with my lobbyist buddy when you resign so, really, it would be a “win win” situation.

MS: Sounds like a plan. Anyway, I need to get back to my office and finish painting signs for my Tea Party supporters. They are a pretty demanding group.

MP: Cool. Just let me know when you want to set this up. Barry is going to be traveling next week so we could do it in the Oval Office. Clinton isn’t the only one that knows how to have a good time.

MS: I’ll bring the cigars. See ya.

MP: Peace out, Dirk Diggler.

In the interest of being transparent, the video is pretty grainy and Paco and I had to lip read to translate as the audio was bad. Still, I am pretty sure I have it right. Paco tells me he also has a tape of Hillary Clinton and Elena Kagan getting it on at the Lincoln Memorial. I will have to be awfully drunk to watch that one but I will try to muster the courage to do so.

This has been another public service announcement from Tannerleah. (And, to a much lesser extent, Paco).

(How horrible looking must her husband be for her to be sleeping with Mark Freakin’ Souder?)

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12 Responses to Mark Souder: Hero Of The Common Man

  1. bschooled says:

    TL,

    The fist bumps with (and sans) explosion were enough to make me take momentary leave of my “vow to maintain complete political ingorance” and look up Mark Souder.

    So, to answer your question, I’m guessing her husband must look like Kathy Griffin.

  2. nonnie9999 says:

    henry kissinger said power is an aphrodisiac. if ol’ henry got laid, he must know what he’s talking about, because…well, look at him! a nuclear reactor doesn’t have enough power to make souder seem screwable to me.

  3. Manson48 says:

    Getting laid is easy, living with the same woman for 30+ years, now that’s worthy of headlines. The fact that this idiot got laid is hardly newsworthy. Good looking women have been screwing ugly smucks ever since God said let there be diamonds, gold and darkness. Moses himself spent forty years leading his band of vagabond Jews through the desert selling trinkets of gold and overpriced textiles trying to keep up with the demand for the “gifts” these smucks were tossing about. Nothing new here. JM

  4. All this hot, pseudo-lesbian Kathy Griffin banging has gotten me a little discombobulated (which apparently means something else in “faux-lesbian.”)

    Back to the task, um, at hand…

    I’m glad you’ve got a steady poolboy in your employ, TL. Without it, we would have been stuck with some painfully boring apology and no hummed rendition of “Backdoor Man.”

    That’s why you’re my go-to guy for news and such. The mainstream media always fails to ask the tough questions, like: are you going the wrong way up Lincoln Tunnel? Or, is lipreading nearly as easy as we all imagine it would be? (I said “vacuum.”)

    Stay strong, TL. Stick it to the man in whichever orifice first presents itself.

    • tannerleah says:

      For a second, I thought of Kathy Bates instead of Kathy Griffin. Man, that Bates chick is hot. Imagine being between her and Sarah Palin…*shudder*.

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Souder looks like an insurance salesman or a service advisor at a local Ford dealership in his rodent gray business suit. As nonnie9999 astutely points out, it’s the power stupid. No way in hell am I EVER sitting on that face. Fo sho, fo sho (as in fo sho no way).

  6. […] Tannerleah: Should Facebook Comments Get You Fired? and Mark Souder: Hero of the Common Man […]

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