For the first time in a long time, a politician has finally been caught having an affair…with a hot chick. The laundry list of politicians with ugly women is ridiculously long. The hooker that Spitzer had was hot but, before that, you had to go back to JFK and Marilyn Monroe. Slim pickings indeed.
So, this Bud’s for you Mark Souder. Bringing hope to every middle-aged, doughy looking, Viagra taking, “Jesus loving”, mid-life crisis stricken man out there. You give us the will to live another day.
The story of a politician doing something stupid is pretty routine and this would appear to be no different so I will not take the time to pile on. However, I would like to address one part of the story that I heard which was clearly edited for the public’s consumption.
Fellow Hoosier, Rep. Mike Pence, said that he spoke with Souder and Souder told him all about the affair. He made it out to be a dour conversation which was very serious and profound. However, my pool boy Paco has uncovered a secret videotape of the two men using a bathroom on Capitol Hill that tells a very different story. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of that conversation:
Mark Souder: Hey Mike! How ya doin’?
Mike Pence: Hi P-Dog, how’s it going? How are the wife and kids?
MS: Good…very good. Say Mike, do you remember that part-time chick I had on my staff that I would make those silly abstinence videos with?
MP: You mean the one with the nice rack? Yeah, wasn’t her name Kathy or Sandy or something?
MS: It’s Tracy. Anyway, guess who’s hitting that?
MP: You? Are you shitting me? You are the man!
(They fist bump with explosion).
MP: So, how is she? She looks like a wildcat. Getting any Hershey highway action?
MS: C’mon Mike, a gentleman never tells. (Starts humming the Door’s “Backdoor Man”).
MP: You dirty bastard! (Gives another fist bump sans explosion). Do you think she would be interested in a little DP action?
MS: I don’t know…I could certainly ask. What would I get out of the deal?
MP: Well, if any of this ever got out, I could say I spoke to you about it already and you were very remorseful and contrite. That way, I could hook you up with my lobbyist buddy when you resign so, really, it would be a “win win” situation.
MS: Sounds like a plan. Anyway, I need to get back to my office and finish painting signs for my Tea Party supporters. They are a pretty demanding group.
MP: Cool. Just let me know when you want to set this up. Barry is going to be traveling next week so we could do it in the Oval Office. Clinton isn’t the only one that knows how to have a good time.
MS: I’ll bring the cigars. See ya.
MP: Peace out, Dirk Diggler.
In the interest of being transparent, the video is pretty grainy and Paco and I had to lip read to translate as the audio was bad. Still, I am pretty sure I have it right. Paco tells me he also has a tape of Hillary Clinton and Elena Kagan getting it on at the Lincoln Memorial. I will have to be awfully drunk to watch that one but I will try to muster the courage to do so.
This has been another public service announcement from Tannerleah. (And, to a much lesser extent, Paco).
(How horrible looking must her husband be for her to be sleeping with Mark Freakin’ Souder?)