Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio…

May 27, 2010

Update: A tip of my gin and juice for Gary Coleman. I thought for sure Todd Bridges would beat him to the grave.

I have been asked this question a lot lately. Well, not about Joe D but about me. Where have I gone? Was I depressed? Incarcerated? Abducted by aliens and anally probed yet again? The answer is yes to all of the above plus other reasons.

I have talked about being depressed before but, for some reason, I fell into a pretty dark place a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why. It just engulfed me like a large, wet coat that I could not get out of. There was a brief moment where I wondered if this was what a nervous breakdown felt like or maybe I was destined for a loony bin somewhere. I just wanted to cry and could not climb out of a very deep hole. The fact that I could not seem to control my emotions and mood was very unnerving.

Fortunately, over time, I climbed my way out of the pit but I do worry sometimes that this doom and gloom might rear its ugly head again. This depression really has a negative impact on my awesomeness and that is a problem. Even my stalkers threatened to leave me for Gary Coleman if I didn’t pull it together. So, that was a big part of the reason I vanished.

As for the incarceration and aliens, I don’t want to talk about it. I will just say this. When I pass gas, you can’t hear it anymore. Try making an O shape with your mouth and see how much noise you can make by blowing through it. Now you see my dilemma. Don’t even get me started about the leakage. I can never sit in a cloth chair again.

I have also been busy working at Hooters. With the new weight enforcement, I have had to really buckle down on what I eat. Plus, you have no idea how long it takes to shave my body and tuck myself so that I don’t “show” in my short shorts. As an occasional black man, I have to be careful not to knock on my own back door when I am pushing my Mandingo backwards. It’s not easy being me.

Lastly, I just ran out of new things to say. When I crossed the 400 post mark, I had said pretty much everything I needed to say. Honestly, what subject have I not covered? When you have already tapped the midget and Eskimo’s reservoir, the well is running dry. I needed some time so I could forget what I had written previously so I could write it all over again. Have I said much lately about Sarah Palin? I really need to expound on my affection for her.

In the end, I will never be nearly as prolific as I used to be. However, I hope that I still have something to say on occasion. I would also like to take this time to thank those of you that have stuck it out with me. Sure, you life is sad and lonely because you live in a basement that smells like cat piss, but I love you. Never forget that. Until the next time, I bid you adieu. TL

No Fatties Wanted At Hooters

May 26, 2010

Well, to be clear, no fat servers are wanted at Hooters. Cassandra Smith was a waitress at Hooters until she ballooned up to 132 pounds. At 5’8”, this height to weight ratio makes her super, duper, fat-o-rama…according to the BMI rating system. (Just slightly over morbidly obese).

Hooters, wary of the needs of their clientele, asked Mama Cass to lose some weight and put her on a 30 day probation. Our super sized waitress apparently could not stand the thought of giving up Ring Dings and Twinkies and promptly resigned. She said she was “humiliated and offended”. I would think that the fact that men paid her to NOT serve them would have been more offensive, but maybe not.

In a not so surprising move, Cassandra immediately filed a lawsuit against Hooters saying that Michigan law, the state where she worked, prohibits terminating someone due to their “non-slimness”. Hooters counters this claim by saying that the waitresses are hired as “performers” and appearance is a critical part of their act.

(On a side note, had I known that Hooters girls were performers, I would have been much more demanding as a customer. Certainly, at a minimum, I would have asked them to do the splits and probably had them do a number of cartwheels.)

(On another side note, I just found out that the neighbor down the street from me looks like a medium sized blimp. I was turning the corner in my car, when I noticed a yellow VW Bug in the corner of my eye. (Not literally). When I turned to face it, I saw that it was this enormous mammal (man?) with a bright yellow top on. I think he had pants on but his fat hung down to his knees so I couldn’t really tell. He blocked my car as he rolled / dawdled / teetered across the road. I would say it took him about 12 minutes to move about 30 feet. I would have rammed his fat ass if I didn’t know that my SUV would have been completely totaled. If you ever wondered what happened to the show “Jake and the Fatman”, now you know. The dude in the yellow shirt ate Jake. And very possibly the rest of his family.)

Anyway, back to Cassandra. I don’t really know if 132 pounds is fat but, if Hooters says it is, who am I to argue? They run a fine organization with their only interests being to tout women’s rights and end the stigma of women being objectified just for their looks. That is why they put them in uniforms, like the military, to discourage individualism and encourage their female employees to be empowered, liberated, and on equal footing with their male counterparts. God bless Hooter’s for leading this important cause. They realize that fat women only hurt this endeavor by making men less likely to eat chicken wings. Makes perfect sense to me.

To be fair, I should point out that some of the other Hooters Girls around the country feel that Cassandra is being mistreated and support her position. This group of employees from the Biloxi Mississippi Hooters recently went on strike to show solidarity. While they are obliviously within the weight guidelines of the company, they still felt it was important to support their much larger sister. Somewhere, Norma Rae is smiling proudly.

(By the way, I have crossed the 500 posts mark. Congrats to me for taking up so much room on the Interweb).

Mark Souder: Hero Of The Common Man

May 21, 2010

For the first time in a long time, a politician has finally been caught having an affair…with a hot chick. The laundry list of politicians with ugly women is ridiculously long. The hooker that Spitzer had was hot but, before that, you had to go back to JFK and Marilyn Monroe. Slim pickings indeed.

So, this Bud’s for you Mark Souder. Bringing hope to every middle-aged, doughy looking, Viagra taking, “Jesus loving”, mid-life crisis stricken man out there. You give us the will to live another day.

The story of a politician doing something stupid is pretty routine and this would appear to be no different so I will not take the time to pile on. However, I would like to address one part of the story that I heard which was clearly edited for the public’s consumption.

Fellow Hoosier, Rep. Mike Pence, said that he spoke with Souder and Souder told him all about the affair. He made it out to be a dour conversation which was very serious and profound. However, my pool boy Paco has uncovered a secret videotape of the two men using a bathroom on Capitol Hill that tells a very different story. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of that conversation:

Mark Souder: Hey Mike! How ya doin’?

Mike Pence: Hi P-Dog, how’s it going? How are the wife and kids?

MS: Good…very good. Say Mike, do you remember that part-time chick I had on my staff that I would make those silly abstinence videos with?

MP: You mean the one with the nice rack? Yeah, wasn’t her name Kathy or Sandy or something?

MS: It’s Tracy. Anyway, guess who’s hitting that?

MP: You? Are you shitting me? You are the man!

(They fist bump with explosion).

MP: So, how is she? She looks like a wildcat. Getting any Hershey highway action?

MS: C’mon Mike, a gentleman never tells. (Starts humming the Door’s “Backdoor Man”).

MP: You dirty bastard! (Gives another fist bump sans explosion). Do you think she would be interested in a little DP action?

MS: I don’t know…I could certainly ask. What would I get out of the deal?

MP: Well, if any of this ever got out, I could say I spoke to you about it already and you were very remorseful and contrite. That way, I could hook you up with my lobbyist buddy when you resign so, really, it would be a “win win” situation.

MS: Sounds like a plan. Anyway, I need to get back to my office and finish painting signs for my Tea Party supporters. They are a pretty demanding group.

MP: Cool. Just let me know when you want to set this up. Barry is going to be traveling next week so we could do it in the Oval Office. Clinton isn’t the only one that knows how to have a good time.

MS: I’ll bring the cigars. See ya.

MP: Peace out, Dirk Diggler.

In the interest of being transparent, the video is pretty grainy and Paco and I had to lip read to translate as the audio was bad. Still, I am pretty sure I have it right. Paco tells me he also has a tape of Hillary Clinton and Elena Kagan getting it on at the Lincoln Memorial. I will have to be awfully drunk to watch that one but I will try to muster the courage to do so.

This has been another public service announcement from Tannerleah. (And, to a much lesser extent, Paco).

(How horrible looking must her husband be for her to be sleeping with Mark Freakin’ Souder?)

Should Facebook Comments Get You Fired?

May 18, 2010

The most recent ex-employee to learn one of the hazards of Facebook is 22 year old Ashley Johnson of Charlotte, NC. Ashley was a waitress at the Brixx pizza joint. (A company that clearly did not have access to spell check when its name was created). 

One day, our heroine was waiting for a couple that sat around for 3 hours. As near as I can tell, this is not a buffet so it is not like a pair of 350 pounders sat down for a 3 hour “snack”. These were obviously people with nothing else to do and no place to do it. Evidently, Brixx has a “sit here as long as you want” policy…always a good plan if you want to run a profitable restaurant. I guess the owners have never seen Gordon Ramsey in action. “You donkey!!!”

Anyway, Ashley was ticked off by the $5 tip she received for attending to these sloths for 3 hours. I realize for those of you in Arkansas, you are saying to yourselves, “Wow, that’s a sweet deal!” Not really, Slingblade. Time is money; even for wait staff. So, when she returned home, she wrote, “Thanks for eating at Brixx, you cheap piece of shit camper.” (I guess that is some sort of homespun colloquialism).

Somehow, the management of Brixx found out about this posting and fired Ashley. (I think in the termination letter they spelled “fired” with 2 r’s to stay consistent with the festive theme of the company name). She broke the company policy for disparaging customers and shedding negative light on the company. While this may be true, where is the common sense here? If the customers were douche nozzles, as they obviously were, how is that disparaging? That is just stating the facts. Also, why would you want said douche nozzles as your patrons? They are sitting in your restaurant bleeding you of money and pissing off your employees. Why would you, even indirectly, support them?

You should have banned these idiots and given Ashley a raise for having a spine and not being afraid to call a spade a spade. (Although, I still don’t think calling a spade a shovel is really worth making a big deal out of). She said nothing negative about Brixx. She pointed out what all of us already know…the world is full of inconsiderate and cheap asshats. They are everywhere. They need to be called out, not protected.

This thing that some people do in restaurants to demean the employees is ridiculous. The desire to “show” someone your displeasure by leaving a small tip is pretentious and small minded. Imagine if the same fu**stick that doesn’t tip was approached by his boss on Friday and told, “Gee Bob, not such a great week for you. I am going to withhold 20% of your check”. Do you think he would be ok with that? Didn’t think so.

Corporations need to stop being so hyper sensitive to every little comment made on the Interweb. Pull up your big girl panties and realize people are going to say snide things…it’s what a free thinking public tends to do. I realize that thinking is counter productive to what most corporations want but learn to give a little in this area.

Also, you cheap people that don’t tip when you should need to stay home. There is no room for you in the real world. Sit home and vent about how broke you are and how you live in a socialized country. Oh, by the way, you know where they don’t tip? Socialist countries. I hate cheap people and I especially hate cheap people that feel like they are empowered to be cheap because they are a consumer. Dial down that ego, Sparky. You are nothing more than a soulless, cheap, comb over wearing, “freebie” loving, tick on the ball sac of society. (By the way, I also work for Brixx and you bastards better not rat me out and get me fired).

RIP Ronnie James Dio

May 16, 2010