Unemployment Checks Are Heroin For Lazy People

How else can you possibly explain people getting benefits for 28 weeks from the state and then an additional 99 weeks from the feds? That’s almost 2.5 years. Who is unemployed unintentionally for this period of time? Lazy people…that’s who.

To be clear, I am about as lazy as anyone I know and even I have only been out of work for maybe 6 months and that was because I turned down some jobs to get what I wanted. Actually, I didn’t even collect unemployment because I was too lazy to fill out the paperwork. (I don’t do waiting in lines).

Yet, it would seem that there is a seemingly endless line of donut eating, cousin marrying, douche monkeys that will feed at the public trough as long as Barry continues to let them. Which, knowing Barry, will be forever. (Not that any Republican is going to stop it either).

Like most social problems, I have a solution for this ridiculous one as well. To show I am a people person, which of course I am, I will allow people to collect unemployment for 6 months…gratis. I won’t even ask you to lie about your job hunting, or lack thereof. Do whatever the hell you want for those 6 months.

However, at 6 months and 1 day, these fine folks become a ward of the state. If they would like to keep sucking on the government’s teat, they will need to do something to earn it. They will report to “Camp Lazy” for their assignment. It might be picking up litter in the park or working at a soup kitchen. There is a laundry list of stuff that could be done by these slackers. Plus, they will feel better about themselves because they are “working” for their handout.

I realize there will be people who will say they are physically incapable of doing manual labor so they will need to be exempted. I would be a horrible problem solver if I left out this rather large group of trailer park refugees. These people will be posted all over the city with a whistle hanging around their neck. At the first sign of trouble or vandalism, they will blow their whistles so that the authorities can swoop in and do their job. Or, they can sit in public bathrooms and flush the toilets after the people who just used it refused to. Or, they can work in day care centers and be used as an amusement ride by the kids, depending on their girth. Again, a plethora of possibilities.

Of course, if they don’t want to work for the dastardly, dirty government, they could always go out and get a real job. You know, kind of like the rest of us do. I would type more but I have to check the mailbox for my disability check. (You remember…the amputated leg fiasco. Totally legit).

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13 Responses to Unemployment Checks Are Heroin For Lazy People

  1. Repeal all laws that protect stupid people and there would be a lot fewer people collecting unemployment. Stupid people are not an endangered species.

  2. Bearman says:

    I have always said that able bodied people who are out of work and collecting a check should be putting in at least 15 hours a week volunteering.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Right on, TL! I sure could use some of the unemployed to help me unpack (generous tip included!). If they could handle a little ‘dirty’ work like opening boxes, that would be great too! By ‘dirty’ I mean dirty dirty and not metaphorically dirty. You wouldn’t believe how much dirt is on the outside of boxes. My OCD has me running to the bathroom constantly to wash my hands. I’ve taken to wearing disposable gloves over Playtex gloves, but I still feel ‘soiled’ when I pull off the gloves (Howie Mandel would totally ‘get it’). Maybe they could pull off my gloves and rebootie my feet? Turn on the water and depress the soap dispenser? Wash my towels after drying off? Lysol the doorknobs, my credit cards and my keys? A personal flusher?…in my dreams! Again, Howie would understand. I’ll throw in lunch.

  4. Well, that’s how you get a welfare state. The law of diminishing returns fits in here as well as the premium of your time.

    Let’s say welfare pays you the equivalent of $6/hr. for a 40-hour week. Sure, that’s not much but you don’t have to make any effort to earn it.

    Somebody comes along and offers you an $8/hr. job. You’d be a fool not to take it, right? $320 > $240. Simple math.

    But, no. It actually equals out to you giving up 40 hours of your regularly-scheduled “doing nothing” for a mere $80/week or $2/hr. Not much of an upgrade.

    Then someone says, “Let’s raise minimum wage. That should fix it.”

    Wrong again, asshat. Now employers need to pay more for marginal workers, the kind that would agree to work for minimum wage. Are you, the employer, really going to shell out this forced higher wage to someone who has shown that they’d rather stay in bed for 5-10 years at a time?

    I think not.

    And the downward spiral continues. No one ever cuts welfare off. The benefits increase over time. And people who don’t want to work are encouraged via outside stimulus to continue not working.

    The stigma of welfare is long gone, much like heroin’s. If only cashing a welfare check would collapse a vein or two. Maybe that would start trimming down the number of recipients. Pretty soon it would only be the diehards, cashing checks between their toes.

    • tannerleah says:

      Clearly, reading between the lines, you are a racist. Watch Precious and you will see that most of these welfare folks are looking hard for a job. The woman in the movie even put her wig on when the welfare worker came by. Does that strike you as someone that is lazy or undeserving? I thought not.

  5. andy says:

    Is black tar heroin back in again? Just when I started getting back into booger sugar too! I am collecting unemployment, but am starting to get a little jealous of all these people getting tax returns; just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe Barry will come to my rescue.

  6. Michael says:

    Unemployed f$#@-ers.

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