Oil Spill? Big Freakin’ Deal

April 30, 2010

Here we go once again. The Lame Stream Media is going to tell us how the big, bad oil companies have put our wildlife at risk. Birds, fish, beaches, blah, blah, blah. Who fu**ing cares about birds and fish? Sure, oil covered beaches are a drag but all you have to do is go to the other coast. How hard is that?

You people knew that when drilling offshore was allowed decades ago, there would be some small issues like this. Get over it. Do you still want to live in your McMansions and drive SUV’s? Do you still want to crank the heat in the winter or cool your 5000 sq ft home? Well, this is the price you pay.

Stop being a pussy tree hugger and embrace the reality of our world. We need to do more drilling so we can keep up with our consumption. Really, since I live in the Midwest, I could give a crap which ocean or state BP drills in. As long as I have the fuel to leave all of my interior and exterior lights burning 24 hours a day, I am cool with it.

If you grass eaters would have listened to a true American, Sarah Palin, this would likely have never have happened. The oil companies would have invested all of their money in drilling new areas and old rigs, like the piece of junk that broke, would have already been phased out.

But no, now I have to listen to the liberals on CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, NBC, and basically any news outlet not owned by Rupert Murdoch, drone on about this “natural disaster”. Look, we let New Orleans get ruined by a hurricane and completely ignored it, why can’t we do the same here? Brad Pitt can go wash some birds off it if makes him feel better.

In my America, i.e. Sarah Palin’s America, we go big or go home. If that means an “inconvenient truth” happens every now and then, so be it. You are not going to take my guns, my liberty, and my porno stash because Barry Hussein Obama wants to run a socialist, Marxist, Maoist, communist, liberalist, fascist, ridiculous-ist regime. Oh hell no…not on my watch.

When Sarah Palin becomes president in 2011 or ’12, you liberal lipstick-less pig people can get the hell out of our country if you don’t like it. Oh, and take all of those Mexicans with you. I can live without tacos and burritos if that’s what it takes. That’s how committed I am.

God bless Sarah Palin and God bless the United States of America.

Man, I would love to hit that.

Arizona – “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mexicans”

April 20, 2010

It has now become evident to me that living in hot, sunny areas is detrimental to the brain. How else to explain Arizona’s legislation to chase down Mexican’s and see if they have an alien registration document?

Don’t get me wrong, illegal immigration is a huge problem that needs to be addressed but this seems like a silly way to do it. Let’s assume the police round up all of these illegal Mexicans. Where in the hell are they going to put them? In some super sized internment camp? Are they going to drive them down to the border and kick them out of the truck? Because, as you know, once they are deported they almost never try to get back into the country.

You might wonder how these people be identified? Simple. The police will determine by looking at them whether they are Mexican. In fact, the law demands that the police do this or they are subject to disciplinary action. If they happen to ID a few Italians, Native Americans, or Spanish people, well, it’s all apart of the good work they are doing. In fact, I think if Obama goes to Arizona, he stands a pretty good chance of being deported. After all, he has no legal US documentation of his citizenship.

If I wrote the law, I would also include anyone wearing a turban on their head and midgets. Mostly, because these people would be really easy to identify. I would also try to identify French illegal aliens. This will also be fairly easy due to their stench and hairy underarms. Lastly, I would arrest anyone with a yarmulke. Any time a group of people are being rounded up, the Jews are almost always included.  

By the way, where are the Tea Partiers on this deal? Isn’t this a perfect example of “big government” imposing its will on the masses? Where is my America? This reeks of Socialism and Communism. Not because it really does, but I just figure I should follow their standard ranting and raving. Also, stop killing babies!!!

It is also illegal to hire illegal aliens for day labor and knowingly transport them. Does this mean that prostitutes that only work at night are exempt? It would seem the law is written in such a way that all of the nice folks that already have a full time illegal scrubbing their toilets are exempt. No worries Sen. McCain. Guadalupe can continue to rub you down will that old man salve every night.

It is good to know that the “leaders” of this country are really on the ball. It makes me feel much better about paying my taxes when I see such intellectual powerhouses making brilliant decisions.

Unemployment Checks Are Heroin For Lazy People

April 16, 2010

How else can you possibly explain people getting benefits for 28 weeks from the state and then an additional 99 weeks from the feds? That’s almost 2.5 years. Who is unemployed unintentionally for this period of time? Lazy people…that’s who.

To be clear, I am about as lazy as anyone I know and even I have only been out of work for maybe 6 months and that was because I turned down some jobs to get what I wanted. Actually, I didn’t even collect unemployment because I was too lazy to fill out the paperwork. (I don’t do waiting in lines).

Yet, it would seem that there is a seemingly endless line of donut eating, cousin marrying, douche monkeys that will feed at the public trough as long as Barry continues to let them. Which, knowing Barry, will be forever. (Not that any Republican is going to stop it either).

Like most social problems, I have a solution for this ridiculous one as well. To show I am a people person, which of course I am, I will allow people to collect unemployment for 6 months…gratis. I won’t even ask you to lie about your job hunting, or lack thereof. Do whatever the hell you want for those 6 months.

However, at 6 months and 1 day, these fine folks become a ward of the state. If they would like to keep sucking on the government’s teat, they will need to do something to earn it. They will report to “Camp Lazy” for their assignment. It might be picking up litter in the park or working at a soup kitchen. There is a laundry list of stuff that could be done by these slackers. Plus, they will feel better about themselves because they are “working” for their handout.

I realize there will be people who will say they are physically incapable of doing manual labor so they will need to be exempted. I would be a horrible problem solver if I left out this rather large group of trailer park refugees. These people will be posted all over the city with a whistle hanging around their neck. At the first sign of trouble or vandalism, they will blow their whistles so that the authorities can swoop in and do their job. Or, they can sit in public bathrooms and flush the toilets after the people who just used it refused to. Or, they can work in day care centers and be used as an amusement ride by the kids, depending on their girth. Again, a plethora of possibilities.

Of course, if they don’t want to work for the dastardly, dirty government, they could always go out and get a real job. You know, kind of like the rest of us do. I would type more but I have to check the mailbox for my disability check. (You remember…the amputated leg fiasco. Totally legit).

Cigarette Butts Revisited

April 9, 2010

One of the early blogs I posted was a rant on people throwing cigarette butts out of their car windows anywhere they deemed appropriate. To my chagrin, my effort to educate the masses has been a failure. To be fair, I might not have made myself clear since I was talking to a group that has the mental savvy of Hutaree members. So let me try again.

Would any of you consider driving down the road and throwing a refrigerator out of your window? (Disregard if you live in Kentucky or Louisiana). The answer is of course not. Let’s try something smaller. What about a toaster oven? Is the answer still no? Good, we are making progress. How about a bag of trash from the local fast food joint? (If you live in a trailer park disregard this question). I hope you answered no.

So, if you agree that throwing most items out of your car onto the road is a bad idea, why the insistence on tossing cigarette butts? Is it because you think it will stop your car from smelling like smoke? Newsflash. Your car and you both smell like a giant ashtray that was dumped at the bottom of a pit and then had an army of camel’s squat over it and take a pee. (Yes, we smell it even if you spray a can of Axe or a gallon of Coco Perfume on yourself).

My other guess would be that you are too lazy to clean your ashtray and you don’t want the butts overflowing onto the burned and feces stained carpet. (That’s dog shit, I hope). While I get this concept, aren’t the piles of Mountain Dew bottles mixed with Taco Bell wrappers, empty Skittles bags, and dirty diapers on your floorboard a bigger issue? It would be to me.

I am inclined to follow those of you that insist on littering to your home and, when you step out of your car, beating you over the head with a tire iron. Then, take the butts that I have collected from you, drench them in butane, and deposit them in your anal cavity while still lit. Of course, this is mostly hyperbole on my part and, since I don’t actually have a detailed plan to execute this exercise, it cannot be considered an act of conspiracy by the Feds.  

Still, if you monkeys keep pushing by buttons in this area, I am not sure I should be held accountable for my actions. For the last time you fat, lazy, knuckle dragging, co** smoking, no turn signal using, mouth breathing, in-bred, sister/brother banging, anal leaking, toothless, country western loving, douche garglers, stop throwing your crap out of the car window. I hope I have made myself clear.

Good day.